Chapter One: Assignment! Kawaii Fuku + Boys = Trouble!
The anime boys were bored. Not only had they received absolutely no work in an inexcusably long time, they were also running out of sugar, alcohol, and Truth or Dare questions. Their office had been empty for so long that none of them even remembered their last assignment, and none of them particularly cared. The only people they opened the door to were the Chinese takeout delivery boys, though sometimes there was a pizza boy or the postman with the bills. It was becoming quite a dangerous situation indeed. Cash was low and tempers were ridiculously high.

Enter their savior: the authoress, who had provided them with income and complimentary beer and candy many a time. She had yet to fail them. Granted, her assignments were often degrading and bordered on pure torture, but they needed the money. Badly. "Hello, boys," she said brightly, sitting down in her usual chair behind the huge, unoccupied – and rather dusty – desk at the back of the room. "Are you all doing well?"

Her cheerful question earned her twenty-eight death glares. "Oh, I see." How was it possible that the girl was still smiling, even though she faced certain doom? She seemed not to realize that it was a felony in most states and countries to look on calmly at a room filled with deprived - or depraved, depending on how one looked at it - men from various series. "That bad?"

"What do you think?" demanded Duo, crossing his arms over his chest and giving her his best petulant look. "We're stuck here with no privacy, no decent food, and Hee-chan is playing with his gun again!" He pointed to the far right corner, where his lover was cocking and uncocking a pistol with a dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"And we're out of beer!" Gene chipped in from his place at one of the desks.

Bystander (for that was what most people referred to her as) blinked at Heero and then at Gene for several minutes before she hitched her smile back up. "Don't worry!" she beamed. "You'll all feel much better soon enough! I have an important job for you." When most of them exchanged concerned looks, she added, "It pays very well."

"Better than that last damn job?" Sanosuke cut in. "I'm not dressin' like a Coke can again!"

"This is much better than any soda advertisement." Bystander, as ecstatic as ever, reached into a desk drawer and produced a bottle of Pocari Sweat. The boys watched enviously, some even hatefully, as she opened it and took a quick swig. She finished it off in record time and put the bottle back into her desk. Clearing her throat, she looked them over slowly, meeting each pair of eyes. "Okay, so about this new job," she began, "I just got a communication from the Boss, who says that you are to star as the cast of..." She paused dramatically and smiled. This time, the smile was more than a bit sinister, and admittedly creepy, even to most of the hardened sadists and criminals in the room. "I know you're quivering with anticip-"

"Spit it out!" Shuichi whined, spinning back and forth in his desk chair.

Bystander pulled something long and cylindrical out of her bookbag, continuing to regard them with that eerie smile. "-pation," she finished. "Since you're so eager," she paused again, smile widening, "you are now the lovely, the talented, the eternally popular -"

"Tell us!" shouted most of the boys.

"You are the cast of Sailor Moon!" Bystander cried gleefully, unrolling the paper in her hands to reveal a large, glossy movie poster adorned with the faces of the Sailor senshi.

The announcement did not go as she hoped. Several of the less stable boys slumped to the ground in dead faints. Others shouted out in disgust and surprise. Two - no one bothered to ask who - began giggling madly and murmured to their sickened companions, ultimately earning themselves scathing, malicious remarks and slaps in return. The rest threatened violence or were mute. And finally, a gun went off with a loud bang that disturbed all the other offices in the building. The noise temporarily broke the tension, as everyone turned to see what was going on. Heero was cocking his smoking gun again, glaring the patented Yuy Glare of Death ( TM) at this idiot authoress who dared to suggest that any of them - most of whom were perfectly masculine, thank you very much - should dress up as schoolgirls and fight one another in criminally short skirts.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Tenchi finally, drawing attention from Heero. "SAILOR MOON?!" He was getting a nosebleed, and miraculously, it was not because of a half-naked woman parading in front of him. This was somehow even worse. Much, much worse, to be precise.

"I refuse," Kurama said.

"Yeah, I'm not degrading myself like that!" agreed Hideki. "I'm straight!"

"Screw this job," said Ban, rising from his desk and heading for the door. "Come on, Ginji. It's back to retrieval for us." He grabbed his partner and dragged him from his seat atop the desk.

"B-Ban-chan, please tell me this is all just your Jagan," Ginji squeaked. He allowed himself to be dragged away, but he looked terrified. It had to be a trick. It had to. They were all seeing a very, very bad nightmare, and in a few seconds, Ban would laugh at all of them for thinking it was so real.

"Dumbass, do you think I would waste my Jagan on something like this?" snapped Ban.

"You mean...it's real?"

Bystander pulled the string on the party ball that was mysteriously floating above her desk. Confetti poured out as she cried, "Correct!"

"My life is over!" lamented Ginji.

"My career is over!" Ryo joined in.

"My relationship is over!" Akira, too, was traumatized.

"It's all over!" shouted Tenchi above all of them.

"Maa, maa -" Kenshin began.

"Now, now, don't be so pessimistic!" Kentaro cut in, grinning at all of them. "It'll be fun!"

"SHUT UP!"

Kentaro shrunk back into his desk, trying to hide behind an enraged Takeshi.

"I can see you're taking this very well," Bystander said, bringing their attention back to herself. She was, after all, in control of the situation, and they ought to get used to it before filming began. "Really, you should be grateful. I could've given this job to someone else. Or I could've given you something far, far worse."

"What's worse than parading around in girls' clothes?!" Dee growled. His hand was twitching near his gun.

"I will NOT wear one of those fucking sailor fuku!" Dilandau nearly shrieked. Folken, at the desk next to him, flinched at his lover's volume. The office could quite likely go up in flames if Dilandau decided that fire was the solution to this, just as it was to everything else. He wasn't looking forward to escaping from a burning building and putting up with a huffy Dilandau for weeks to follow.

"No chance in hell," mumbled Mamoru weakly. "I already finished the series."

The front door slammed open and Tsuzuki dashed in, carrying a large box of doughnuts. "I brought the doughnuts!" he announced. Then, looking around, he noticed the tense situation. "Wh-What's happening?" he asked, wide-eyed and puppy-faced. "What's wrong?"

"We got a job, Tsuzuki-san," Muraki replied, sidling up to Tsuzuki.

"...Muraki..." Tsuzuki protested faintly.

Muraki ignored him. "Mmm. You'll make a beautiful schoolgirl, though I do prefer you as a man." He ran one finger down Tsuzuki's cheek, making the other man to shiver and go rigid.

Bystander watched their display, obviously fascinated when Muraki began to kiss Tsuzuki's neck, but she had to tear her eyes away before anything else could happen. Put simply, she had to curb her more fangirlish instincts and maintain control of her employees. "Everyone, please pay attention!" she called. Muraki and Tsuzuki, who was now beginning to whimper softly under his tormentor's skilled ministrations, completely ignored her; the others, though, focused on her reluctantly. "I have the cast list. The Boss enclosed it in a fax -"

"Who uses faxes anymore?" smirked Dee, but everyone pretended not to notice.

"- and there will be no complaints, unless you want the Boss to personally deal with you."

A collective shudder swept through the room, and a moan unrelated to this statement burst from Tsuzuki's lips. "Anyway," Bystander cleared her throat, trying not to look at the scene unfolding in front of her, "the list is as follows. Himura Kenshin, you will be playing Tsukino Usagi, Sailor Moon."

"I always knew he'd look hot in a fuku," Sano murmured to himself. Evidently, this pleased him. He was the only one. The others were already paling, fearful that their name would come next.

"Shindou Shuichi will be Mizuno Ami, Sailor Mercury."

"Yes!" Shuichi punched the air in triumph. "No, wait...isn't she the smart one?"

Yuki coughed and looked cynically amused. Several of the others arched doubtful eyebrows at the choice. "Yes," said Bystander.

"I don't wanna have to study!" Shuichi complained.

"Don't worry, it's all scripted," Bystander reassured him.

"Yeah, you can keep being a useless dumbass all you want," Yuki added as Shuichi sputtered and protested loudly.

Bystander let those two quarrel, knowing that within minutes they would likely be in the same situation as the audibly amorous Muraki and Tsuzuki, and went on reading the list. "Heero Yuy will be Hino Rei, Sailor Mars."

Heero's scowl darkened. He remained silent and leaned against his desk with his gun fortunately out of reach. Duo was kind enough to have tucked it away inside their desk drawer.

"Midou Ban will be Kino Makoto, Sailor Jupiter."

Ban crushed the cigarette he had been smoking. Ginji quickly tossed it into the full ashtray and shot Bystander a nervous, warning look. She discounted it and he glanced back at Ban. His partner looked prepared to commit murder, or perhaps just attack and mortally wound their boss.

"Amano Ginji," said Bystander, and the blond started, "will play Aino Minako, Sailor Venus."

"Is that good?" asked Ginji anxiously.

"It depends," Bystander replied. "You and Ban can fight side by side as usual, but you'll have to be the senshi of love." Ginji shrugged it off, pleased that his role didn't seem to entitle anything beyond acting like a teenaged girl, and she spoke again. "Iyujin Akira is going to be Tsukino Chibi Usagi, Sailor Chibi Moon."

Akira flopped into his chair and buried his face in his hands. "What will Utako-san think of me?" he murmured miserably to himself.

"Duo Maxwell will play Meiou Setsuna, Sailor Pluto."

Heero smirked and Duo tried to smile, but failed. The optimism that caused him to smile confidently mere seconds ago had crashed to the ground and shattered, reforming as pessimism. So much for escaping the Boss's wiles. He didn't have long to stew in his negative thoughts, as Bystander interrupted them to say, "Hiei will be Ten'ou Haruka, Sailor Uranus."

Hiei made death threats and tore off the white cloth covering his Jagan. He was ready to attack the authoress when Kurama grasped his arm and shook his head. "No, Hiei," he said softly. Hiei continued talking to himself about insults and the myriad ways he could torture Bystander, carrying out none of his threats. Kurama was holding him back.

"Ryo MacLean will be Kaiou Michiru, Sailor Neptune."

Ryo's composure disappeared and he blinked at her for a minute. Then he frowned and looked down at the desk. He had to resign himself to his fate. Besides, he was sure that Dee would receive a part as well, possibly one that would allow them onscreen "chemistry." Though that would be little consolation, it would have to do. "Dammit," he muttered, and left it at that.

"Tsuzuki Asato is going to play Tomoe Hotaru, Sailor Saturn."

Tsuzuki tore his lips from Muraki's and exclaimed, "What?!" Muraki, irritated at the distraction, kissed him again, effectively silencing him and keeping his attention on the more important matters at hand.

"That does it for the senshi," said Bystander. "Now, Mamoru, you'll stay in your former role as Tuxedo Kamen, so it should be easy for you. You won't have to study your character at all."

"Wait a minute, we have to 'study our characters?'" Dee interrupted. "What does that mean?"

"It's not what you might be thinking." Bystander grabbed the rolled up poster from her desk and tossed it to him to look at. "You'll be watching a few episodes of Sailor Moon, plus looking at some of the manga and pictures. Nothing too bad."

"'Nothing too bad?'" repeated Dilandau. "'Nothing too BAD?'"

"Dilandau, I absolutely refuse to let you burn down the building," Folken scolded. "Sit down."

Dilandau threw himself into his chair, infuriated. "How can you even go along with this, Folken?" he grumbled, kicking violently at his desk. "This is worse than anything those assholes Allen and Van have ever done to us, and you don't even care!" Folken sighed and looked away from Dilandau. It would be a long night after Bystander left.

"Anyway, I have more casting to announce, so keep paying attention. I'll tell you when I'm done," Bystander said, a little louder than was strictly necessary. Muraki and Tsuzuki were attempting to drown her out, and the bangs from Dilandau kicking the desk were enough to grate on everybody's already frazzled nerves. "Now, the villains."

"The interesting part," smirked Meier. At the desk beside him, D clenched his left hand to keep the parasite silent, the only outward sign of his disagreement being shaking his head slightly.

"Muraki Kazutaka will be the main villain, Lord Baal."

If Muraki heard her, he did not acknowledge it. His hands and his mouth were still occupied.

But Eagle looked puzzled. "Where are we getting these names?" he asked.

Bystander glanced at her list and shrugged. "I don't know. The Boss gave them to me." She sighed and continued. "Dilandau Albatou will be the first of the evil Generals, General Anubis." Dilandau responded with a doubly violent kick to his desk. Bystander interpreted that as his version of taking it relatively well, so she said, "Dee Laytner will be the second of the Generals, General Osiris."

Dee's hand darted towards his gun. "Dammit!" he yelled. Unlike Ryo, he wasn't willing to keep up a facade of false calm. "Make someone else do it!"

"Sorry, Dee, but no can do," Bystander said, offering him as consoling of a smile as she could muster. "These are all the Boss's orders. I can't ignore them." Dee swore again. The only way this day could get worse for him would be if JJ popped up in the doorway and tried to squeeze him to death like some crazed fan. Fortunately, that didn't happen. Bystander pressed on. "Folken Fanel will play the third of the Generals, General Aten."

Folken, although he looked displeased, kept his mouth shut. He accepted that there was no way to change this. In any case, it might help to calm Dilandau down if he knew that both of them were in the same boat.

"Lantis will be the fourth General, General Horus."

Lantis frowned at the girl and turned to Eagle; he was reassured slightly when his lover smiled encouragingly at him. Slightly being the operative word. Having to prance about in front of a camera, wearing an outfit that would likely be only a scant step above a sailor fuku, did not please him. Were he not a calm, reasonable man, he would be spouting curses left and right and causing mayhem.

Bystander, for one, was grateful that at least some of the boys were quiet about their parts. "Eiri Yuki will be the fifth General, General Thoth."

Shuichi sniggered, then silenced himself, remembering that he also had to play a part. Yuki helped him shut up with a homicidal glare that clearly read, 'If you so much as utter one gloating word, I won't hesitate to kill you brutally.' Sullenly, Yuki lit a cigarette and took a long drag, hoping the nicotine would calm him before he broke something. Or killed someone.

"Sagara Sanosuke will play the sixth and final General, General Set," Bystander finished listing her villains.

Sano appeared mildly satisfied. "Does that involve any scenes with Kenshin?"

Bystander tilted her head, regarding him with a confused look. Realization dawning upon her several seconds later, she reached into her bag and pulled out a slip of paper. "It might," she said slowly. "I can't give you the scripts until tomorrow."

"Tomorrow!" cried Kurama.

"It would really be better if we had them to look over today, de gozaru," Kenshin said in mild protest.

"Once again, no can do," Bystander shook her head. "It's -"

"The Boss's orders," finished Yuki sarcastically. "Shut up and get on with it."

Bystander raked her long bangs out of her face and studied the list. "The last few members of the cast are extras. Eagle Vision will play Haruna-sensei, Usagi's homeroom teacher." Eagle said nothing, giving her the chance to finish. "Masaki Tenchi will play Osaka Naru, Usagi's best friend at school." Tenchi passed out cold on the ground. Nobody worried about his reaction; it happened frequently enough when he was shocked that they were accustomed to it. "Motosuwa Hideki will play Umino Gurio, Naru's boyfriend and the class nerd." Hideki spluttered and complained for a while, and Bystander waited patiently for him to get over it. "You'll be paid, Hideki, you'll be paid." He calmed down a little. She smiled at him gratefully. "And lastly, Fred Luo will be Furuhata Motoki, the worker at Crown Arcade." Fred whined something about wanting to play a woman, and Gene promptly hit him over the head with a sharp command to shut up. This gave Bystander the opportunity to ask, "Any questions?"

"Yeah," Kentaro piped up. "What do the rest of us do? I wanna dress up in a cute fuku and save the world!"

"Shut up, Kentaro!" snapped Takeshi. To emphasize his point, he held up his hand as if to backhand his companion. Kentaro made a 'meep' noise and shrunk into his chair again with teary eyes. "I don't have a job either," he added as an afterthought.

"Some of you don't have jobs at all, really," Bystander explained. Seeing Takeshi's slightly panicked look, she hurriedly amended, "You'll still be paid, of course. And some of you do have jobs, but they're crew things. D and Ashitaka -" she looked at the two silent figures "- are going to be the camera operators. Higashikunimaru Kentaro is the makeup artist, and Kurama is the costume designer and supervisor." Kentaro cheered and Kurama nodded his approval; they were lucky enough not to have to appear onscreen. The only obstacles would be convincing the others to do as they said. "That's it."

"Do we get free catering?" inquired Duo.

"If it's within the budget, yes." Bystander pulled out a calculator and a pile of paperwork. "However, we can't spend too much on extraneous things like catering, private dressing rooms, and luxury items. Food expenses must not climb into the thousands. We don't have enough money for that. I'll call the Financial Secretary at the Agency to deal with it. He can arrange these things."

Kentaro cocked his head. "Who're you calling? I can cook!"

"No, no, Kentaro, not for twenty-eight men. That's impossible," Bystander refused. "You may make Takeshi his bento of love, but aside from that, I can't accept you enslaving yourself in the kitchen. You have makeup to deal with, remember?"

Kentaro seemed sad for a moment, but he perked right up. "I'll be the best makeup artist ever!" he cried happily, tears of joy starting in his eyes. "Won't I, Takepon?" Takeshi looked away, embarrassed. He wasn't even going to try telling his boss not to call it a bento of love, devotion, adoration, or any of the other words she liked to use.

"Hey, yeah, who are you calling?" asked Akira. He was calmed down from his worries over Utako's reaction to his part. "I could cook, too."

"That won't do either," Bystander refused again. "I'll call Tatsumi-san. He's very good with numbers and budgeting."

"Ta-Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki exclaimed. "But if you call him, he won't let us have any good desserts!"

Bystander sighed. "I'm sorry," she said. "You can have your doughnuts now, but during filming, don't expect too many sweets. They cost money, and we don't really have any." She grinned sheepishly. "After we're done, I'll buy you some cake or something, okay?"

"Really?" Tsuzuki smiled through tears of thankfulness. "You're the nicest boss ever!"

"Oh, stop," laughed Bystander. Her ego, though, was inflating already. And the clock, as she noticed, was ticking. A quick glance at her watch proved this, and she rose from her desk still glowing from the compliment. "I suppose if everyone does a good job, I may give you bonuses. But don't hold your breath. I know how you all are." She picked up her bag and headed to the door, letting her bright grin fall over all of them before slinging the bag over her shoulder and opening the door to the office. "Be here early tomorrow!"

"It isn't as though we ever get to really leave," said Folken, "but all right."

"See you all tomorrow! Bye!" Bystander beamed her widest yet at all of them and waved on her way out the door. The door shut quietly behind her, and despite the thick carpeting muting her steps, the boys all silently thought that she must be skipping with joy at being able to humiliate them.

"When this is all over," stated Hiei, "I intend to kill her. Savagely."

"As do we all," Ryo said.

"Amen." Yuki put out his cigarette.

That triumphant day, sadly for the anime boys, would be long in coming. For the moment, they were Sailor senshi, and they had undeniably bad luck.