Chapter Two: Dress Up! The Elusive Scripts Arrive!
"Are we going to get our costumes today, de gozaru ka?" Kenshin asked. He was one of the few who managed to smile this early in the morning. It was lucky that the window blinds were closed, or everyone would have been groaning that it was still dark out. Almost everyone but Sano gave him a bad look. "And our scripts?"
"The Boss gave me everything," said Bystander. She strode over to her desk and picked up the seemingly innocent pink bag, showing it so that the boys could get a good look. She pulled out a pile of stapled-together scripts and distributed them to the reluctant new cast of Sailor Moon.
Dilandau glared at the paper in his hand as though he wanted to burn it, which, given his idea of fun, he probably did. "It's pink," he commented with overt distaste.
"It should help you get into the spirit of things!" Bystander explained. "And I like pink." She was much too happily for her own good. Somebody needed to teach the girl that there was more than one emotion in the universe, and she should utilize all of them like a normal human being. "For the new senshi, the Boss was nice enough to provide pictures of the real person you are going to be. Helpful, isn't it?" She looked around at the boys who were playing senshi, and waited until they nodded unenthusiastically. Most of them looked nauseated, and even the most cheerful had to hitch up their flagging smiles when they saw the sort of dialogue involved in their parts.
"I don't think I can do this," said Akira. "This isn't anything like me." He held up the picture of Chibi-Usa for Bystander to see.
She looked at it, totally unconcerned. "That's where props and costume design comes in," she stated with a grin and a wink.
"Hey, look at this!" exclaimed Shuichi. "I have to do a rape scene with Yuki!"
Bystander raised an eyebrow and snatched the script from his hands. "Let me see," she said, reading it over. As she did, her eyes widened and her eyebrows continued to raise till they disappeared into her bangs. "Well," she remarked. "Kenshin, let me see yours." Obediently, Kenshin handed his script over. Bystander studied it as well, finally proclaiming, "It seems that there will be a lot of rape and sex scenes in this movie."
"Does that mean we actually have to have sex?" inquired Tsuzuki nervously.
"'Fraid so," Bystander replied. The idea didn't seem to bother her as it should have. She was smiling even more broadly than ever and looking distinctly pleased. "So that little scene between Sailor Saturn and Lord Baal has to be real."
Tsuzuki paled. He looked over at Muraki only to find that his enemy-turned-co-star was smirking ferally at him with his usual lustful eyes. "O-Okay," Tsuzuki managed to say. He looked down at his desk to hide his brightly flushed cheeks.
"Is there anything else you guys need to know?" Bystander asked. Nobody brought anything else up. Instead, they looked away or scowled at her. "Then it's costume time! Kurama, you can help me hand these out." Kurama joined her beside her desk, where she opened the pink bag and reached in. "Before I give everyone their costume, I want you to know one very important rule." She tried to look around at the boys sternly, but ended up looking like a cranky red-haired kitten. Not threatening.
"And what would that be?" drawled Ban, letting out a breath full of cigarette smoke.
Bystander frowned slightly as the smell of tobacco assailed her nostrils. "There will be no, I repeat NO sex in these costumes. If Kurama finds anything suspicious on them when he takes them back at the end of filming every day, you'll be in big trouble."
None of the boys looked very afraid. "So...?" prompted Yuki.
"When you say 'big trouble,' do you mean -" Dee began.
"I mean you'll be in a lot of pain, 'cause the Boss will have to take care of you," smiled Bystander. She was her normal self, so it was a bit hard to take the threat seriously, but they knew that beneath the smile, it was legitimate. "Okay, Kenshin, here's yours, and Shuichi, yours." Kurama took the costume bags from her as she withdrew them from the pink bag and handed them to their respective owners. "Senshi, once you get your costumes, you need to try them on in the bathroom." She pointed to the door on one side of the office that had a men's sign on it. Kenshin and Shuichi trooped off to change and redo their hair properly for their parts; Kentaro, living up to his job as makeup artist, traipsed after them. The next two fuku emerged – how she managed to fit all ten of the senshi's fuku in there was beyond everyone, but no one asked questions. They wanted to retain their God-given anatomy. "These are for Heero and Ban." Ban stubbed out his cigarette in the now-overflowing ashtray and pushed his sunglasses up his nose in annoyance; Heero kept his Glare of Death fixed as he rose to accept his costume. They, too, went into the bathroom. A few seconds later, there was the unmistakable sound of a gun firing and the shattering of glass. Those remaining in the office heard Kenshin shriek and Ban cursing. "This is going to hell," Bystander remarked to herself. Audibly, she said, "Ginji, Akira, Duo, these are all yours." The trio took their costumes without complaint and entered the bathroom like three members of a funeral procession: determined, but in mourning - in this case for their masculinity. "Hiei, Ryo, and Tsuzuki, here are your costumes." Hiei's hand darted towards his katana; he stopped himself in time to take his costume and flit into the bathroom. Ryo and Tsuzuki were quiet, one blushing faintly and the other looking nearly tearful. "That takes care of the senshi," grinned Bystander, brushing imaginary dirt off her hands.
"All right, villains and extras, it's your turn!" Bystander and Kurama passed out the heavy bags containing the villains' costumes - those receiving them looked skeptical and curious, retreating to the bathroom quickly and angrily - and the smaller ones containing the costumes for the extras, including Mamoru. "There's no room in the men's room, so you can go in my bathroom," Bystander pondered aloud.
Eagle blinked his amber eyes and looked from the men's room door to the door next to it. Where the men's room door had a picture of two male stick figures going at it doggy style, the women's room - Bystander's bathroom, essentially - had an SD picture of the authoress beaming and giving the peace sign. "Are you sure?" he asked.
Sanosuke, who was still remaining though the other villains were in the men's bathroom, said, "You can't be fucking serious!"
"I am serious," Bystander nodded, "just not fucking. Go on in; it's not that bad. Be glad you're not in a sailor fuku."
Sanosuke and the extra cast members hurried to get into the women's room.
Remaining in the office with only her crew members and Takeshi, Meier, and Gene, Bystander sat down at her desk and rummaged through one of the many drawers. Finding what she wanted, she pulled it out: a thermos full of hot tea. She poured some into a cup, also pulled from the drawer, and sipped gratefully. "Ahh," she sighed. "It's nice and quiet!" Sometimes, it was plain convenient to run an office where the basic rules of fanfiction had been broken and battered long ago.
One by one, the anime boys began to reemerge from the bathroom. First was Kenshin. "I am finished, de gozaru!" he called, stepping out.
Those in the room - except for Bystander, who had already seen such things before in her head - let their jaws drop and their eyes grow wider than the proverbial saucers. Or at least most of them did. But even those who registered no emotion outwardly were shocked inwardly. Kenshin had gone all the way with his costume, including putting his hair in the "odango atama" style and padding his chest with the plastic falsies - big enough to make most Playboy bunnies jealous - provided with the fuku. He also carried the scepter, and bore an obvious trace of pink lipstick on his mouth. "How did I do, de gozaru ka?" Kenshin asked. He got no response from his shocked (and, in Bystander's case, relaxed) audience. "In the name of the moon, you're punished!" Kenshin went into the usual Sailor Moon pose, causing the remaining boys in the room to choke and find support so as not to facefault.
"Perfect!" Bystander finished her tea and put the things away again, rising to give him the official once-over. "Looking good! You've shaved your legs, too!"
"I waxed them a few days ago, actually, de gozaru," Kenshin corrected with a smile.
"Even more perfect."
Shuichi emerged, interrupting any further conversation, and pulled Ginji and Ban out with him. He wore a blue wig, which clashed terribly with his eyebrows, and Ginji had suffered a similar fate with a long blond wig, complete with the red bow. Ban's hair was more surprising. It had been wetted down and made to lay flat instead of spiky, then tied into a high ponytail. They had even gone so far as to attempt to shave their legs - excepting Shuichi, who apparently hadn't needed to - judging by the tiny square of toilet paper on Ban's nicked knee. Shuichi and Ginji were wearing mascara and lipstick; Ban managed to escape sans makeup, though he looked dangerous. Bystander made sure not to make eye contact with him. "So?" Shuichi said.
"Very good!" congratulated Bystander. "The makeup is a nice touch."
"I helped!" Kentaro announced proudly, bouncing out of the bathroom. Ban glared at him.
If it was amusing to see the other three in their senshi attire, it was hilarious to see Heero dressed up as Sailor Mars. He had a long black wig and bright red lipstick, not to mention the obligatory breasts and shaved legs, but that was not the end of it. He seemed to be walking quite easily in the stiletto heels. "You're a natural!" said Bystander perkily, patting him on the shoulder. Heero reached for his gun, then remembered that the others took it from him while in the bathroom. He swore under his breath and put up with the others raising eyebrows and smirking.
Duo looked the part of Sailor Pluto, but his cheerful demeanor ruined it when he walked out of the bathroom smiling more broadly than Setsuna ever dared to do in canon. He, like Heero, was doing well in his high-heeled boots, and gripping his staff jealously. It comforted him to have a weapon available should he need it. On the other hand, his hair, out of its braid, made him feel strange; it was loose and the bun didn't help matters. Then, upon seeing his boyfriend, he forgot his discomfort entirely. "Whoo, Heero!" he catcalled. "You look good!"
"Shut up, Duo," Heero ordered sulkily.
"But it's true!" Duo blew a kiss from dark red lips and winked at Heero. Heero just looked away.
Akira, blushing madly beneath his bubblegum pink wig, shuffled out of the bathroom, tugging on his skirt the whole time. He looked at the floor in humiliation, avoiding the others' gazes. "Not bad, Akira," complimented Bystander. "Look up at me." He did so, his cheeks turning an even brighter red, and she nodded. "No makeup. That's just fine." She assumed - no, she knew - that Kentaro tried to put at least minimal makeup on the youngest of her employees; she was glad that Akira succeeded in thwarting his attempts. "Tell Kentaro not to put you in any makeup. You're ten years old; you don't need lipstick." Akira nodded thankfully.
Ryo tried to escape the bathroom without anyone noticing him, to no avail. They caught sight of him, so he gave it up and joined the group. He carried himself well in high-heeled shoes, despite the sea green wig that wasn't entirely flattering and the red lipstick that was a focal point amongst so much green and blue on his person. He breathed easier when none of his fellow anime boys made comments, and when Bystander left him, for the most part, alone in an embarrassed silence. She merely smiled and told him he had done a good job. He didn't reply. He was too busy worrying about the large pieces of plastic that served as his unwieldy fake breasts.
Last of the senshi to leave the bathroom were Tsuzuki and a homicidal Hiei. While Tsuzuki seemed unnaturally comfortable in his tiny fuku - and in a bizarre and rather creepy turn of events, the falsies didn't faze him terribly, either - Hiei fidgeted madly and continually adjusted both his skirt and hair. Someone, likely Kentaro, had managed to tame the spikes and force him to wear the tiara; somehow, it covered his Jagan, defying all laws of canon. "This is so degrading," said Tsuzuki. Hiei had no words. He merely glared. Even Kurama couldn't pacify him.
Once five minutes had passed, Bystander glanced toward the bathroom door and tapped her foot impatiently on the floor. "What's taking them so long?"
"Should we go in and check to make sure they're not hurting each other?" asked Akira shyly.
"No, they'll -"
Bystander cut herself off then, as her four extras emerged at last. "Does this look really bad?" Eagle thought aloud, looking down at himself. He wore a dark pink suit with a very tight skirt, which made it hard to walk in his matching high heels. He also had a red wig and enormous plastic breasts that revealed an inappropriate amount of cleavage for a teacher. Beside him, Tenchi's nose threatened to gush blood all down his fuku-clad front at the sight of himself. Apparently, he hadn't taken a good look in the mirror, and had only now realized that his breasts were bigger than he expected. Hideki, in spite of his horribly tousled hair and Coke bottle glasses, seemed placid, as did Fred with his blond wig and apron.
"You're fine," Bystander reassured Eagle. "Let me see your walk."
Eagle tilted his head and stared at her, and she said, "C'mon, be like a model." She was enjoying this far too much. Eagle decided to oblige her, and he did a quick version of a model's sexy stalk, demonstrating incredible ease on his high heels. It was the aforementioned skirt that gave him trouble. "You'll have to get used to the skirt, but otherwise, perfect."
"How can you walk in these heels?" complained Tsuzuki, examining his shoes ruefully.
"Umm...incredible amounts of inherent grace?" Eagle guessed, though he didn't truly believe that he was possessed of any such thing.
Ban snorted.
"Oi, if we come out now, are you going to laugh at us?"
Everyone's eyes moved from the recent arrivals to the bathroom door, where Sano was sticking the top of his spiky head into the room. There was a minute of confusion, or perhaps they all were trying to think of something to say that would be technically true. "Of course not, de gozaren," Kenshin spoke for himself. The others, however, knew that it was a lie by omission.
"Oookaaaay," Sano said reluctantly.
He stepped out first, as the others hesitated to allow him to bear the brunt of whatever scorn they would potentially face. The costume was plain black, like a darker, ripped off version of the Dark Kingdom uniforms. It was cheaply made, and the knee high boots that came along with it were very plasticine. Seeing that no one did more than arch eyebrows and snigger, the others came out as well. All but Muraki wore the same black uniform and boots that Sano did, all with long black capes and swords fastened to their belts. Muraki, however, had a very complex-looking costume, if not admittedly cheap and rather cheesy. He wore flowing robes that trailed behind him, so long that it was impossible to walk fast in them. Instead, he walked slowly, making the robes billow menacingly. It, too, was completely black, but it was made from a slightly better material. He also got a tall, shiny black staff in place of the others' swords. "These costumes are embarrassingly bad," Dee commented. "How can we be threatening in something like this?"
Dilandau looked murderous, so Bystander swiftly tried to change the subject. "Don't go complaining; you aren't the ones with plastic...er, could I still call them implants?"
Rolling his eyes, Yuki snapped, "They aren't implanted, dumbass, though you should consider them."
"But they're implanted in our shirts," Shuichi tried to counter him.
"If you want to get laid, you'll shut up." Shuichi immediately did so. Yuki smirked and raised an eyebrow at Bystander as if to say, 'Are you going to cry and whine about it?'
However, if Yuki thought he could bother her, he was wrong. The authoress was ignoring him and fussing over Muraki's costume, Kurama hovering back to avoid doing his job. "I guess this is okay," Bystander worried. "You only come into action in the final scene, and in that rape scene with Sailor Saturn."
Tsuzuki cringed.
"Okay, are we all ready?" Bystander perked right up, letting Kurama deal with costume adjustments.
They all stared in bemusement. "For what?" Hideki asked when his curiosity got the better of him.
"We're going to go to the studio!"
"In these outfits?" whined Duo.
"I am not going out in public," Dee added.
Hiei looked ready to use his kokoryuha and blow everyone in the office into fiery oblivion. "Fuck this."
"All right, then," Bystander said with a casual shrug, "if you don't want to go today, be ready tomorrow morning. I'll be in early so we can get to the theme song!"
Death was beginning to look far too good for the insane teenager. As if the costumes and script weren't bad enough to scar them for life, now they had to do something involving music? Knowing Bystander, she would force them to do a dangerously seductive and humiliating dance routine, and then decide that they had to sing the song themselves in their best falsettos.
"Theme song?" hissed Dilandau. Happily for everyone else in the office, he had no access to matches, and neither he nor Hiei could use fire to bring the others to an untimely end.
"Yes, theme song," Bystander said. "'Moonlight Densetsu.'"
"What?" Kurama thought to hand Tenchi a tissue box before his nosebleed got out of control and caused him to become anemic.
"That's the name of the song." Bystander sighed and shook her head. "Look, I have to find out now: do you guys want this job or not?" She got no response but a few puzzled or hateful stares, so she went on, "I threaten to call the Boss in all the time, but I can't force you to work for me. After all, I've been offered a job in the Harry Potter office -"
The anime boys all booed loudly. They were resentful of any of the other offices in the building, in particular those whose profit margins were greater than theirs. The Harry Potter office, for example, made so much money that they owned their own specially designed condominium, where everyone got privacy instead of sleeping in the office and bathing in the on-site bathrooms. They also had holidays and sick leave.
"- and I may just have to take it if I don't get cooperation."
"That's supposed to be a threat?" Folken frowned.
"Yes, it is." Bystander grinned. "Because the next person you're lined up to work for is Miaka -"
"STAY!" shouted the anime boys. Well, excepting those who preferred to keep their mouths shut and bear looks of utter horror on their faces.
Bystander smirked. "Ahem. So you'll work with me?"
"We have no choice," said Heero. "It's you or that..." He shuddered, thinking of the worse damage that could be caused to them if their current boss left, and they were left with a certain other teenager whose shrieking and sobbing habits were worse than Bystander's smiling and indignity.
"Good!" Bystander bounded over and was about to hug Heero when she thought better of it, remembering that he didn't need a gun to kill her. "Well, I'll see you all tomorrow. Practice your lines, and make sure that any and all costume alterations are done by morning. Kurama and Kenpi, please help them out. Bye!"
She swept out of the office with her pink bag. The anime boys exchanged apprehensive looks.
Tomorrow would be an interesting day indeed.
Five-thirty A.M.: the time of justice. Bystander unlocked the door to the office and bounded in, carrying a large pink bag, which she placed on her desk before going around and waking the anime boys from their would-be peaceful slumber. Since they arrived so early, the boys were asleep at their desks, all except Muraki, who was reading, and Ryo, whose eyes were drooping with fatigue. "Come on, all of you!" she called, poking the lazier ones with her long index fingernail, maybe a bit harder than necessary. Slowly, each of them grumbling, the boys opened their eyes and sat up. "That's much better. I'm glad you showed up bright and early!"