1. Enemies will always fall in love. Always. Regardless of the harm, both physical and emotional, they inflict upon each other, and their sides in epic battles to save the world. They are secretly very well-matched.

2. The heroine is a weepy, annoying, patently useless woman who needs to be cut from the picture as soon as possible. Why the hero ever loved her is an absolute mystery, as everyone knows that they were not compatible. She was weak and pathetic, which is not something a man wants in a woman.

3. Angst is God. The sadder somebody's life is, the more worthy it is of long, epic tales describing it; similarly, young people are not satisfied with their lives, and they cannot be until they have learned a singularly painful lesson that induces tears in even the most hardened of people.

4. As in number three, nobody cares about happiness. If there is happiness in life, it must be short-lived and exchanged for anger, tears, and betrayal as soon as possible. Otherwise, no one would be interested, and nobody would have friends. Friends are only there to be interested in angst issues, after all.

5. Suicide and cutting are glamorous. The more dramatic the method of the former, the better. Slitting wrists? Awesome. Hanging? Go for it. Throwing yourself off a building? Not so good, because the corpse is unattractive. Having your best friend watch you gut yourself? Definitely. Also, these are the answers to all your sadness: bleed it all away, baby, bleed it all away and fall into oblivion.

6. Good things come to those who fight, slash up the enemy into tiny bits, and go home to have a long, hard shag with their significant other. There's no such thing as karma for killing someone when saving the world.

7. You have to save the world or someone very important to you to be worth it.

8. All bad people are misunderstood softies who are hiding behind a mask of hatred and darkness. Really, they do care, and they are loyal, kind people who want to improve the world, but cannot understand themselves, most likely due to their haunting past.

9. Your hair and eyes are only attractive when related to food, precious metals or gems, and/or nature.

10. Nobody ever truly dies. They will come back either in the sequel, reincarnated into a body scarily similar to their former one, or haunt their true love as a ghost that no one else can see, ala Phillip in "One Hundred and One Ways." This is particularly true if they died in a tragic way.

11. For that matter, nobody dies of old age, and if it is of disease, it is something incurable and long-suffering.

12. Beware the man who looks mysteriously like you and annoys you to no end; he could be your father. Beware the sarcastic, angry man who swoops around shouting at everyone, including you; you will end up in bed with him. Beware your best friends when they start drifting away from you, or even when they are too friendly; they will either get a makeover and find themselves a significant other, or they will try to rape you. Finally, beware the person you fall in love with first; you will not be with them at the end of the story, especially if they are female and have dark hair.

13. Teenage relationships will last forever and a day, as it is certainly true love.

14. What? You mean there are black people?

15. Men with "cold eyes" often turn out to be the kindest people ever. But some are rapists, so why not befriend them and let them either become your truest love or ravage you and leave you to bleed?

16. The song playing has everything to do with what happens between people.

17. High school is a place where vampires abound, every other girl is a slut or an absolute prude, everybody fits neatly into physical stereotypes, and the authority figures do not know anything about anything. In high school, friends constantly betray friends, geniuses are all stressed out and will run away with the bad boy, bullies are secretly gay, and supernatural powers are bouncing off the walls and widespread.

18. Vampirism is sexy. Enough said.

19. Your clothing is directly proportional to your importance. If they can be described down to the last detail, you must be the Queen of the World. If they are drab, be sure that no one gives half a damn about you. If you are in leather, you must be tortured and sexually repressed.

20. Turning gothic in accordance with your depression is an obvious reaction.

21. Nobody understands anybody else. Misconceptions are so frequent that it's amazing anyone can hold a conversation.

22. The coolest people are the ones who can sing.

23. Pop culture plays a big role in who pays attention to your life. Heaven forbid that you not like what is interesting to the mainstream; you will soon lose all your friends if you don't.

24. No matter how they try to hide it from the world, there is always at least one person who knows that somebody is gay. It is "obvious."

25. "I love you" is the greatest commitment in the world, greater even than marriage. Everybody says this after sex, and not saying it means that it was an unimportant fuck.

26. Promiscuity gets you somewhere other than an STD clinic - the top of the heap, perhaps?

27. Teenagers getting pregnant is not so bad as the sex educators want you to believe. In fact, it's a normal occurrence that is acceptable, even for males.

28. Nearly everyone is a sadist, a masochist, or best, a sadomasochist.

29. I am apparently in love with Legolas and violet-eyed. Who knew?

30. Behind all those frumpy clothes, glasses, and/or gothic makeup, everybody is astoundingly beautiful. There is no such thing as an ugly person, and if there is, they are a villain or blindingly unimportant.

31. When meeting someone on the Internet, it's a sure thing that they will turn out to be someone you know in real life. Probably even your arch nemesis.

32. School dances are wonderful, expensive affairs; students dress up for them, fall in love at them, and use them as prime fighting grounds when possible.

33. Breakups cannot be amicable. Both parties must hate the other, or one party must be ambivalent while the other makes the matter into an enormous drama rivaling a soap opera. In worst-case scenarios, things will be thrown, symbolic jewelry given back, and friends will ask endless questions until another fight begins.

34. Nobody has ever heard of divorce.

35. Truth or Dare games cause all those involved to give away their deepest secrets and even to fall in love with one another. Dares always involve kissing, truths always involve confessions involving someone else in the room, and nobody ever gets tired of the game and says that it has gone too far.

36. Older men are constantly on the lookout for younger girls who need someone to comfort and understand them, hence their usefulness as lovers. It works much better if the men are teachers or in another compromising position so that they can question their later feelings.

37. Rich families usually arrange marriages between their children. Often, despite resistance, these marriages turn out well, resulting in true love and comfort between the spouses.

38. "Righting lyke dis" is normal, and advocated in schools.

39. School plays are, like school dances, excellent romantic situations. Cast members are all but guaranteed to fall in love; the most unlikely candidates, having been paired as lovers in the play, will soon realize that their true feelings are best described by the lines they share.

40. Having orgies is acceptable, and polyamorous relationships have only the rarest of problems. Three people in one bed isn't just to spice things up; it is to show that all three have deep, deep feelings for one another that cannot be explained.

41. Acting in the same movie together makes two actors fall head over heels. Stars of "The Lord of the Rings," subsequently cannot keep their hands off each other.

42. Getting wasted drunk and confessing your feelings results in acceptance and a functioning relationship. More significantly, having sex with your best friend when both of you are drunk must mean that you have hidden feelings, and should act on them by proceeding to date exclusively and possibly going so far as marriage.

43. The more reluctant somebody is to participate in a sex act, the more they will be turned on by it when all is said and done.

44. You, too, can be dark and antisocial, and get the girl or boy of your dreams. All it takes is some implausible dialogue, in which you speak more words than you ever have in your life and drop your cynicism for blind trust, and you giving up that nasty smoking habit.

45. By the way, smoking like a chimney and drinking more alcohol than the Dublin Guinness plant could produce in a year is sexy.

46. So are scars. All wounds happen to leave them, too, so isn't that convenient?

47. People likened to two incredibly dissimilar animals will be the ones to fall madly in love and run away into the sunset together. This is like a predator and prey situation, and love defies all logic to triumph over all, regardless of how much anyone has in common.

48. Liking your work should be against the law. Nobody likes their work - they resent it deeply, question its meaning, and find that the great pay is not satisfying. Most of the time, work is denying them what they truly want.

49. Those who are raped will suffer from an condition akin to Stockholm Syndrome and fall in love with their rapist, unless the rapist is an ugly stranger. However, if the rapist is a best friend, arch nemesis, or acquaintance from school or work, love is in the air.

50. Upon reuniting with friends from school days gone by, everything will be peachy keen and those bonds will form again. Friends don't grow apart after being separated for two or ten years; that only happens when they have fought over a mutual love or lust interest.

51. Your guardian angel is in lust with you. Really, it's true. Why else would they protect you so devoutly and be there for you always? It must mean that there are feelings aside from sacred duty, but they have to be brought to the surface.

52. No one notices when their secret admirer stares at them wistfully, and should that admirer sigh or make noises of longing - whatever those may be - the attention will continue to go unnoticed.

53. Everyone has a dark side, and if that dark side is not in love with them, it must be in love with somebody else's dark side. Come to think of it, that dark side must be separated from their body, so that sex is possible. Otherwise, there's no point of having one.

54. Violence and duels solve everything. From saving the world and/or loved ones to deciding marriages, and from personal squabbles over superiority to getting parents to bugger off, it is preferred if violence can be worked into the matter. It is preferred more still to include blood and near-death experiences.

55. Standing at the edge of a cliff means one of two things: you are committing suicide and will have to be saved, or you are waiting for someone and calling out for them fruitlessly. Both ways, it is dangerous, you are angsty, and the world is a better place for it.

56. Getting lost in the woods does not spell starvation; it's yet another excuse to meet strange people and adopt their customs. Or get into a fight with them.

57. It is best to break the law. Law-abiding citizens get killed, while those who defy authority will thrive on free of consequence.

58. Military personnel are bumbling fools, or they object to their jobs as soldiers. The idiots kill your best friend and you kill them, whereas you fight long battles with the objectors and end up befriending them. Never mind that you have no business being involved with military operations in the first place.

59. All master and slave situations culminate in passionate sex and love. The kind, remorseful master frees the slave. The slave adores and worships the master. Well, it's that, or the master is a cold-hearted bastard who beats the slave to within an inch of his or her life, and they fall in love by the end anyway. (See 49.)

60. Relationships based solely on perfunctory sex actually mean more than that. Somebody is going to fall in love, somebody is going to get hurt, and wedding bells are audible in the distance.

61. Everybody is bisexual, simply for convenience.

62. He who wears a trenchcoat has repressed emotional issues. He is also in love with somebody he cannot have, and has certain romantic dreams that he is likely to lose tragically, despite appearances of having fulfilled them. Somebody needs to teach him a lesson. It's the trenchcoat, most certainly. That has to go before he can be reformed.

63. Whatever just happened, teenage hormones are to blame.

64. Sure, sure, have sex with the insane person. As it turns out, they are not insane, merely misunderstood, just like every enemy there ever was in the history of the world. Their angst drove them to do something that landed them in a mental institution, and now it is up to somebody to realize the truth and save them, lest they waste away in that straitjacket.

65. Twelve is the age of consent in all countries, including fantasy worlds. Otherwise, most relationships would be against the law, and no matter how great it is to break the law, sexual deviance has to stop!

66. It's okay to be inexcusably late. People will wait for you for hours if only it means that you will show up and apologize to them. They may end up confessing their feelings, too, after an emotional outburst.

67. You'll catch up with your loved one when they run away from you. Be it down the street, in the elevator, or at the train station, you will always get there just in time. So be it if that involves going to the ends of the earth only to find that your lover is about to kill him or herself. You can always stop these things from happening.

68. Humidity makes people horny. Cold makes people horny. All temperature and weather extremes are excuses to go at it like rabbits. Just like getting caught somewhere together in a storm, particularly a snowstorm, will mean that people have to get closer and confess their need for one another, and not only for warmth.

69. To avoid perverted comments, there is no 69.

70. Murderers, rapists, and thieves will be forgiven for their crimes, and go on to commit suicide or live functioning, if not very tortured, lives. They will repent immediately, regretful of their terrible past. On the other hand, all abusive parents are killed while those who attend the funeral rejoice.

71. Spying on your neighbor indicates a not-so-innocent interest in them, which will more often than not be a precursor to love.

72. Morning breath? What's that? Surely it's perfectly hygienic to kiss your lover - with tongue - the instant you wake up. On that subject, never mind brushing your teeth, for all people have marvelous breath, regardless of it smelling of alcohol or cigarettes. The only people with bad breath are villains who cannot be reformed and drunken rapist bums, and you must not be one of those.

73. Going home with somebody after meeting at a club is not only acceptable and safe, but the beginning of a healthy relationship. It starts with sex, middles with better sex, and ends with both people passionately in love and having the best sex of all.

74. Skin color is not appropriate to discuss except in terms of fancy color names, often related to food. Paleness and creamy or ivory skin indicate being white, coffee- or mocha- or even chocolate-colored skin indicates being black, and that's it. Nobody is in between. In the event of an Asian or Latino person, they have to be jammed into one of the above categories, or called "golden-skinned" or "bronze-skinned." It's only correct.

75. Listen to the gruff-sounding man, for in him - particularly if he uses slangy speech and has an accent - is the greatest wisdom. His rough edges must mean that he knows more about life than those who speak in cultured, dulcet tones.

76. Those who speak in those cultured, dulcet tones are beautiful women or gay. End of story.

77. Being poor is a situation best solved through falling in love with someone rich, powerful, and most of all, handsome or beautiful. They will pull their impoverished lover out of squalor and into magnificence, to which they will easily adjust. Remember "Pretty Woman"? Yeah, like that. In life, it is not normal or glamorous to be poor, although there is a certain glamour in the pain it causes those who suffer from it. Trashy apartments are the primary signs of this, as is living on the streets. But always, some rich stranger will save those who make themselves visibly pained enough. The rich person needs to learn about the real ways of the world, and the poor person needs salvation and understanding. Trés win-win.

78. Names are symbolic of a person's personality and virtues, or lack thereof. Being named a beautiful name, or a name that means something beautiful, makes the person display beautiful traits like happiness and kindness. Being named something that sounds tough and hard makes the person a powerful and well-versed in the ways of the world. And so it goes on.

79. Normal dialogue includes English, interspersed with Japanese, German, or another language of choice. Not only is this attractive and instrumental in revealing character and intelligence, it serves to demonstrate ethnicity without getting into those messy, potentially politically incorrect descriptions.

80. Sex is the foundation of a great, long-lasting relationship. The less sex there is, the less love there is, and the closer the relationship is coming to an impending breakup. Bad sex, too, is good reason to leave an otherwise loving relationship, for surely it means there are more problems to come.