| EL JULI: That’s true, but the more observant audience members probably noticed a large net hanging in the loft in an earlier since – hanging, in fact, above the very spot you now stand! And even the not so observant audience members may now notice the rope I currently hold which leads up into that very net in that very loft. And so… El Juli gives one good jerk on the rope and the net comes tumbling down from above, trapping Evil Doctor Choral and the Henchman. He dawdles over to the numerous computer consoles. EL JULI: Now to just let in my crew and save the George Foreman Grill! EVIL DOCTOR CHORAL: I only have one question for you, temp. Guido has killed hundreds of men. He’s been shot in the face by a tank, trampled by an elephant, eaten by a horse, and stabbed 87 times. But no one has ever beaten him before. How did you do it? EL JULI: Well, like you said, his weakness was being bashed on the head with a metal pipe…and your whole loft up there is made out of metal, so it really wasn’t that tough to find one. So I just bludgeoned the life out of him. Easy as that. Cap’m Airbiscuit enters. CAP’M AIRBISCUIT: Yaarrgghh! You saved me ship, temp! And for that I thank ye! Come, let us return to the George Foreman Grill and bid farewell to this den of evil! Cut to the Pirates and El Juli standing outside the STSUSMTF next to the George Foreman Grill. Evil Doctor Choral and his Henchman are tied up in the middle of the group. EVIL DOCTOR CHORAL: What will you do with us now, you barbarians? Surely something disgusting and unspeakable…filthy pirates. CAP’M AIRBISCUIT: Aaarrr, nay, you scurvy dog, we shall be just and deliver ye to the proper authorities to have a proper trial. EVIL DOCTOR CHORAL: Really? EL JULI: No, not really. We’ll give you a taste of pirate justice. This is what happens when you steal our ship you dumb bastard! El Juli raises a glimmering sword high into the air and brutally decapitates the helpless Evil Doctor Choral and his Henchman in cold blood with one swing of his mighty arm. The crew shares a hearty laugh at the strange twist of fate as the camera fades to black. GRANDSON: Wow Gramps! So you were really El Juli! GRANDPAPPY: You betcha. And I saved the ship. I kept sailing on the George Foreman Grill for a few more months, but the winds of change constantly blow temps to new horizons and before long I was working as a model for a male lingerie company. Ah, those were the days. GRANDSON: There’s only one part I can’t figure out though, Grandpappy – how did you know Evil Doctor Choral had a colonoscopy? GRANDPAPPY: Like I said, we temps are constantly moving on. My last job right before working for that pirate crew was in a proctologist’s office. In fact, I was the one who removed that cactus from Doctor Choral’s rectum that fateful afternoon. Yeah, he was a disgusting man. Actually, I still have that cactus up in the attic somewhere. C’mon, Grandson, let’s go find it. They go off together. Fade to black. Role Credits. Written by Scott Ross. The George Foreman Grill built by Scott Ross. The Gaping Orifice built by John Cragin. The Salty Walrus built by Scott Ross. The STSUSMTF built by Chris Ewing. The Inner Sanctum built by Scott Ross. The Loft built by Scott Ross. Costumes by John Cragin. |
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