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Having a tired or a bad day? Here are some jokes to perk you up : ) |
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The
journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The
darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it. Don't be
irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Always
remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. Never
test the depth of the water with both feet. If you
think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of
mortgage payments. Before
you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticise them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at
first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a
man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day. If you
lend someone RM100 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you
tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days
you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgement. The
quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in
your pocket. A closed
mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape
is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the
universe together. There are
two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally
speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it. The
quieter you become, the more you are able to hear. Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to. Life is
not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath
away. Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to. Procrastinate
now, don't put it off. Best
friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! Borrow
money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the
people you know are below average. Everyone
has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! 42.7% of
all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience
is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The
sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. All those
who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. The early
bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. OK, so
what's the speed of dark? If
everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression
is merely anger without enthusiasm. When
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition
is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work
pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend
to live forever -- so far, so good. If Barbie
is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What
happens if you get scared half to death twice? My
mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder." If at
first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A
conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it. To steal
ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The only
reason I am always listening to music is to drown out the sound of your voice!~ Drive
carefully, 90% of people are accidents. Careful
with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming. Love is
like a rose in winter, only the strong survive Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all
think you’re on drugs. Where
there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually
a stop sign somewhere along the road. everyone
in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE Anger is
one letter short of danger. The only
reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I
accept. Learn
from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them
all yourself. Trust
your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you
don't want them to be They say
the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the
truth I get sent to my room?. You
tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson. Roses are
red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you. When they
put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to
spell anonymous -unknown I'm not
scared of dying, I just don't want to! A good
essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation It is not
MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility! There's
nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it. If at
first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie! Thank-you
for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome The
entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast! Consciousness-
that annoying time between naps Suburbia
- where they cut down trees and name streets after them I love
him, O yes I do, He's for
me, not for you, And if by
chance you take my place, I'll take
my fist and smash your face! Every
morning is the dawn of a new error Beauty is
in the eye of the beer holder Sign on
baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS I can see
clearly now, the brain is gone... (^Back to Top^) FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE JOKES.
(Try having in on your handphone…) Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your
message, after the beep "Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to
sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone
else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished." I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll
reply Like Barney (the purple dinosaur): I'll call you, cause you called
me. We're the ______ family. So leave your name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home. "Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please
leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we
can." "Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what
you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You
guessed it..." Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head The roses stink, sorta like
sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and
you might find out! "Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP." You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no
time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up
ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight
Phone" This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and
training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded,
then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend
me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Talk to the phone, the face ain't
home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP! Go away, leave me alone, please
leave a message, after the tone BEEP! These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. Hey, it's ________ Sorry you can't get through Leave your name and your number And I'll get back to you Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and
you'll be heard. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message
on this stupid machine . So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a
message, and I'll get back to thee. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep.
If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your
line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any
message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where
you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come
out of hiding. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come
to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread,
unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave
your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. Already know who you are and why you've called, please
hang up after and we tell each other everything. Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for
15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready,
we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm
just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to
speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white
coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks,
and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message? C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we
go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up. Heaven, God speaking... Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So...
Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis! Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and
Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week
in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera. Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you
leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as
soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the
answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were
trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you
were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at
the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I
won't. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you
leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now
-- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find
him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them
after the beep. Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still
made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take
a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle
stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me? Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were
trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you
were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at
the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that
I won't. Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of
a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever
wins will call you right back. Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
Portland, BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air. Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most
common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and
better equipped to handle elephants.") Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now.
Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or
trying to solicit money. Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not
come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short
message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you
when we're done shopping. Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot
reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a
beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start
talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.) Hello, you have reached the automated answering service
for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it
was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is
important to me. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.
Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making
changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're
probably one of those changes. (BEEP) Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here
right now, but the phone is. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get
to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your
name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that
beep, it's so cheery sounding. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you. Hello? (short pause) Hellooo?
(Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this? Hellooo....Hellloooo,
well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home
and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in
a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll
be thinking about it... Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's
not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely
being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please
talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep
........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!! hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007
agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape
will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP) Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets. Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in
right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at
the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and
you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah
that's it. Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never
hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep? Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend,
leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you
back. Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me
inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after
the beep. Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out,
2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a
princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically
deleted!) Thanks Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm
playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message
and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1. Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring
pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an
"I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait
for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but
I'm open to suggestions. Hi, you have reached _(phone
number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the
following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you
call this number? Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message!
Show me the message! Hi, you know the drill. Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.
If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other
obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or
service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now.
Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is
home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't
come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to
leave us a message. Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just
screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak
with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
it's you. Hi. Now you say something. Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones
and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed
indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my
friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
money. Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their
appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my
old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be
sure it's in the bag. How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't
understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I
touch this... YOW! I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the... I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are
eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
shape, one of them will get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you
could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone
now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at
the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice
phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have
answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy.
Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old
recordings... I might even play my beep for you. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in
the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need
any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your
message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you
know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an
illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a
message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're
afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come
here to tell you how this is going to end, I came
here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone,
and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm
going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls.
Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we
go from there, is a choice I leave to you I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for
"the most calls missed" if its a emergency
or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I
will call you back. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come
to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and
number... If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now.
Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age,
height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s
maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still
listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave
a message after the beep. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.
So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I
might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone,
you might have to deal with me in person. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave
your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving
a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it
can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I
take a message? I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having
an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I
can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me
reconnect when I get back. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you
to tell me how this machine makes you feel.
Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. Just put on a recording of a busy signal. Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's
there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message... Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your
phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid
speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me
message. Me reply. My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your
message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration.
I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my
Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per
minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave
your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an
outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. Starship Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come
to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about
it in next week's National Enquirer. Suicide Hotline...please hold. Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom
having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. Leave
a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished
brushing our teeth. Thank you. Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to
Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come
to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas
list, and maybe we'll get back to you! Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of
capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your
name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with
absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our
operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message
after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and
Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are
currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and
address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch
Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest
at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your
help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink
of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry.
Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice
day. Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now.
However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the
phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then
talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you
hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get
back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000
volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of
a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will
complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! These are the messages of These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got
promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the
beep. This answering machine message is for all you psychics out
there... (Long silence...) BEEP This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary
word. Today's word is "supercilious". This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they
dialed long distance.) Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be
on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I
wonder what this button does... We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and
we'll call you back and tell you what we got. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process
your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a
trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important
callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except
for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and
a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for
this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is,
"We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep
mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that
you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message
when you call me... You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did,
we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when
your not home. and voice from Alfred Hitchcock
Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as
he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard
through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number,
and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things
that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello...
HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? [Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't
you ever wonder what life would be like? ... [Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message
as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. [In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking... [in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real people
here to answer the phone right now. [in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone
number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track
of this stuff until the real people get back. [Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was
just about to steal [Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please
leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only
supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.... [Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the
final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of [Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm
sorry, Dave, I can't do that. (^Back
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