The Rocky Horror Parody Show
Act One
Ph: Sean-Pierre was real ill
And he took lots of pills
But he told us how to stand.
And Chris Mitchell showed flair
For lame (lah-may) underwear
And we had trouble finding a band
Then things went wrong
When Shawn Watson was gone
And we lost 2 of 3 phantoms.
Then at a sudden pace
He seemed from outer space,
And this is what Chris Borgman said:
Science Fiction Double Feature
Frank is here, and so’s his creature.
So, please stop fighting, Brad and Janet.
The show will work, so let’s not can it.
At the UT…PB Rocky…Horror Show.
So, we worked on our carols
And found some apparel
And printed up some playbills.
And it was really hot
All the way from the start
And we thought that we would be killed.
We must have been loons
Sitting there singing tunes
And watching some old film reels.
But when we collide,
You may want to hide
Cause we’ll give you some terrible thrills…
With our…
Science Fiction Double Feature
Frank is here and so’s his creature.
See the servants, and Brad and Janet,
Ed and Scotty, and the Phantoms
At the 8:00…and the midnight…Horror Show.
You’ll want to go…
To the midnight…production…of the show…
We’ll raise some dough…
With the UT…PB Rocky…Horror Show…
Just the back row…
Is left for…the Rocky…Horror Show.
J: Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful? Didn’t Frank look radiantly sexy? Before the show, he was plain old Chris Borgman, and now he’s a sweet transvestite!
B: Yes Janet. The crowd is very lucky.
J: Yes.
B: I hope they didn’t read the review.
J: No.
B: Of course, the reviewer liked you…
J: Yes.
B: Hey Janet
J: Yes Brad.
B: Pamela Allen had some great things to say.
J: Yes.
B: She really loved the skillful way
Chris Mitchell blew the rest of us away.
The show was great, but she panned it.
You might even say that she planned it.
Can you believe that she canned it?
One good thing she said was,
"Dammit, Janet, you were great!"
She said the show was long when we ran it.
But there’s fire in our hearts and she fanned it.
If there’s a fool in this town, then she am it.
One good thing she said was,
"Dammit, Riff, you were the best!"
Here’s the review to prove that she’s a joker.
There’s three actors that she really liked.
That’s you, Chris M, and Sean-Pierre.
Whoa-Janet…
She loved you so.
J: My review was nicer than Frank had.
And your review wasn’t all bad
Except that you’re a geeky Brad.
One good thing she said was,
"Dammit Rocky, you look good in a Speedo."
Oh Brad…
B: Oh dammit…
J: She must be mad…
B: Oh, Janet…
J: She blew…
B: When she dissed Chris Borgman too.
Both: There’s one thing left to do.
B: And that’s continue the show like we began it.
Word of mouth is a fire, so let’s fan it.
There’s no need to panic.
About her comment,
"Damn that castle, it really creaks."
Dammit Janet…
J: Oh Brad, she’s mad…
B: Dammit Janet…
Both: We’ll pull through.
N: I would like – if I may – to mention several cast members who were ignored in the MRT review. It seemed a fairly ordinary review that mentioned Brad Majors and his fiancé Janet Weiss (two actors, one superb, and the other a geek), but it left out Dr. Everett Scott, who is also Eddie and one of the best performers in the show. It’s true there were others left out: Magenta, Columbia, and the phantoms, not to mention me who the crowd loved. But Pam Allen, being a hack writer, well, she was not going to let minor characters get into her review unless they were in…A black Speedo. It was a black Speedo or being the "best actor" that would get Riff and Rocky remembered for a very long time.
B: Hmmm…
J: What’s the matter Brad darling?
B: It seems the crowd really likes the windshield wipers gag. We’d better do it some more to milk the laughs. Oh darn Janet.
J: What was that bang?
B: That was just Norris yelling bang because we don’t have a sound effect for it.
J: Oh.
B: You’d better start the next song before I step on the sound cue aga…(thunder sound)…Never mind.
J: Yep. You blew it again. But what shall I sing about?
B: Didn’t we pass a foam covered, creaky castle that still has wet paint on it a few miles back? Maybe you could sing about that?
J: Do you want to sing to?
B: You get started, and I’ll join in with the harmony.
J: Can you just sing the melody with me? You hardly ever get the harmony right.
B: Oh yeah…hahaha…
J: In the scheduled blackout
Of our lights
Burning bright, a symbolized star
That blinds us both after the scene of the car.
Both: There’s a light
P: Over in the sound booth.
Both: There’s a light
P: Shining on our foam castle.
Both: There’s a light…light…in the sound booth
That lights up the runway.
B: I could see a flag fly
I could see the rain
But I can’t, there has got to be
A picture of both, for me to see.
Both: There’s a light
P: Over in the sound booth.
Both: There’s a light
P: Shining on our creaky castle.
Both: There’s a light…light…in the sound booth
That’s about to light up Riff.
RR: The darkness must go
With the brightness of the light,
But it doesn’t so I have to use
My chin under a flashlight.
I’m the best voice.
Both: There’s a light
P: Over in the sound booth.
Both: But it’s not bright
P: Enough to light up all of Riff
Both: There’s a light…light…in the sound booth
That makes us go…blind…
J: Screams.
B: Don’t follow the script so literally. Besides that thunder isn’t really that scary.
J: But I react so well. Obviously Pam Allen thinks so.
B: We all agreed she got that part right. Can’t you get over it? I’m going to the creaky castle. You’d better come along if you want to continue the good reviews.
RR: Hello.
B: Uh, hi there. I never can get this speech right and I always ask for help twice. Can we just move on?
RR: You got a good review.
J: So did you.
B: Yes.
RR: Yes. Pam Allen must have wet her pants in this scene then. By the way, I thought you were great.
J: You’re too kind.
*B: You’re too kind.
N: And so, after braving rice happy crazies and Super Soaker toting freaks, Brad and Janet had finally escaped the audience, or had they? There was certainly something about this house that made them both uneasy. Perhaps it was the wet paint or foam bricks falling off, but if they wanted a good review, they would have to take whatever the castle gave them.
RR: Wait here.
B: Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. Lousy help.
J: Oh Brad, what sort of place is this? It looks like foam?
B: It’s probably some sort of contraption figured up by a drunk, created by actors, and finally fixed by the Great and Powerful Deb! But your shivering.
J: Someone shot me in the face with a Super Soaker.
B: Look feel this. Absolutely nothing is happening with this door-looking wall. Pretend like your drying your sweater, and I’ll keep a lookout for our star.
J: Oh!
B: For God’s sake, Janet, keep a grip on yourself. Here…throw my coat through the door too.
J: Okay. Agghh!
B: It’s alright Janet. It’s just our star and some people you probably don’t recognize because they weren’t mentioned. Uh…hi…here’s another short monologue I always screw up, but I always say, "I’m sure you’ve got a great evening planned."
RR: Yes. It’s no wonder Pam Allen called you a geek.
J: Isn’t it time for a famous line?
M: He’s lucky. I’m lucky. We’re all lucky!
C: Good job.
RR: Shhh.
J: But it’s one of her only lines.
RR: Shhh.
M: Here’s another.
C: Aren’t we supposed to be talking about Eddie?
RR: Yes…poor sap didn’t get mentioned for his great performance.
B: He should have been commended.
RR: Yes, it’s seems like only yesterday since…
J: Since what?
M: Since he started getting the songs right!
RR&M: Hahaha.
RR: It’s astounding – when he’s singing.
Madness takes the back row.
He listens closely
M&C: Not for very much longer.
RR: He’s got to keep control.
I remember when we started
Wincing those moments when
He’d get off beat
And we all would be calling
All: Let’s do the Time Warp instead
Let’s do the Time Warp instead
N: I used to be late here
All: But now she gets it right.
N: With my hands on my hips
All: We bring our knees in tight
But it’s the repetitions in practice
That drove us insane.
We did the Time Warp again
And again and again and again and again and again.
M: We’re all so dreamy…the fantasy frees me.
Pam Allen didn’t see me. No, not at all.
She’s of another dimension with evil intentions.
Why can’t she…see us all?
With a bit of a front flip, I’m thrown off the stage slip.
The beat can never be the same.
It’s a sinking sensation.
We sing under sedation.
All: Then we do the Time Warp again
And again and again and again and again and again.
N: I get it out here.
All: She gets it right.
N: Put your hands on your hips.
All: And bring your knees in tight.
But it was repeated practices
That drove us insane.
We did the Time Warp again
And again and again and again and again and again.
C: Well, I was walking down the street, just a-havin’ a think
When I decided to audition for a part.
They took a chance. I took them by surprise
Because I could tap, a star on the rise!
But Pam Allen looked at me and looked away
Didn’t say nothing. Silly bitch.
All: Let’s see the big tap break.
Let’s see the big tap break.
(Big tap break)
All: Let’s do the Time Warp again
And again and again and again and again and again.
N: I almost always missed this one.
All: But now she gets it right.
N: With your hands on your hips
All: And bring your knees in tight
But it’s repeated practices
That drove us insane.
Let’s not do the Time Warp again
Thank God it’s time for all of us to die.
J: Say something Brad.
B: Say…did any of you guys read the review?
All: *groan*
J: Brad, let’s get out of here. They’re all talentless hacks except for Riff.
B: Just a minute Janet, there’s still more actors to come.
J: This isn’t exactly Juliard, Brad.
B: They’re probably commuters that actually have lives unlike us. They may do some more musicals
eventually.
J: Look, I’m great, I’m talented, and just the best!
B: Chris Mitchell’s here and he has that handle. It’s time for a song anyway.
F: How do you do
I see you’ve met the
Best actor here.
But he’ll be brought down
Cause when I entered
Everyone cheered for me.
Don’t get strung out
By the way that I act.
Don’t assume I’m as bad as Pam said.
I may be campy and seductive
In this play
But I’m really one hell of an actor.
I’m just sweet Chris Borgman.
A homosexual (and proud of it baby)
And that’s Pam’s problem…huh huh.
Let me show my stuff
And if that’s not enough,
I can show you I’ve groovy.
Or if you want some proof
That will show the truth,
People say I’m better than the movie.
B: I’m glad we caught you at home.
Could we use your phone?
I’m just trying to get back to the plot.
We’ll just say where we are.
Then go back to the car.
I’m sure everyone here agrees you’re hot.
F: Well, you want to go back to the plot?
How about that?
Well, babies, don’t you panic.
By the end of the night
The plot will be alright.
It’s saved by a German hispanic.
I’m just sweet Chris Borgman.
A homosexual (and proud of it baby)
And that’s Pam’s problem…huh huh.
Where was she that night (night)
Not 8:00, but midnight (night)
I could have shown her my best…performance.
The crowd was rockin’
We look good in stockin’s
And that’s good for make the show…enhanced.
I’m just sweet Chris Borgman.
A homosexual (and proud of it baby)
And that’s Pam’s problem…huh huh. (Hit it! Hit it!)
I’m just sweet Chris Borgman.
A homosexual (and proud of it baby)
And that’s Pam’s problem…huh huh.
So, here’s my famous line.
I’ll say it just in time.
I see you shiver with antici…pation.
But maybe the Pam
Is really a sham.
So, I’ll ignore the review…
And misquote on my station!
B: It’s alright Janet, everything…that line is so tired. We’ll just skip it from now on.
J: Thank God.
B: Uh, hi there. Are y’all in the play? You weren’t in the review.
C: Are you kidding? We’re show stealers. Most people would give their sweaty right arms to see us.
B: People like your family and friends perhaps?
C: Ha! They’ve seen us!
J: Can you just go ahead and get us undressed? We usually don’t finish in time.
RR: I would help, but I’m the best here. I’ll leave it to my…servants.
F: Unlock a mind. Unmind a lock. It’s the same as the beginning of the end. Do you follow?
J: No.
B: Me either actually.
F: May I offer you a copy of the Midland Reporter Telegram?
J: Yes!
F: Too bad, I don’t have one. I burned mine. How delightful to have fresh faces around. Janet,
Columbia, Eddie, the phantoms…I think they’ve taught our veterans quite a bit.
B: Quite a bit? That’s true, goddammit. But some of the "vets" have ignored them.
J: We don’t mind.
B: Don’t mind?
F: What an overactor you are, Brad. Except, of course, when you’re underacting. So…geeky. You
must be very disappointed Janet.
J: Yes.
F: Tell me Brad, have you taken any acting classes?
B: Of course.
F: It doesn’t show. How about you Janet?
RR: Of course she has master. That’s why we’re the best.
F: Well, let’s get on with introducing Pam Allen’s other favorite.
J: Perhaps we should have charged women extra to get in based on the way they acted.
F: Blah blah blah…first monologue…blah blah blah. An accident!
M&C: An accident!
F: Blah blah blah…second monologue…blah blah blah. Three more points!
R: The monitor speaker is hanging over my head.
But I’m still off beat which we dread.
No woe for me. Pam says I sing pleasantly.
And can’t you see…through my thong when I get a boner.
They tried putting me in a Speedo when I got out of bed.
All: Just for Pam.
R: And Pam said I look pretty good in these threads.
All: Just for Pam.
R: My voice is low. I’ve got too much that shows.
But all I know…is that Pam probably wants to see my boner.
All: Shalalala…here’s where they run.
Shalalala…it looks like fun.
Shalalala…the audience sees his bum
They see his…bum….
N: Rocky Horror, you need peace of mind.
I’m here to tell you that you’re doing just fine.
We may not like the macho kind.
…But that’s no crime.
All: That ain’t no crime.
R: The monitor speaker is back over my head.
All: That ain’t no crime.
R: But getting off beat still fills us with dread.
All: That IS a crime.
R: I know I got pissed. Just put it on my list
Of things I’ve missed…that can be covered up by my boner.
All: Shalalala…that is a crime.
Shalalala…when you’re out of time.
Shalalala…but we catch up fine.
We catch up fine…shalala.
F: Well, really, that’s no way to behave at rehearsals.
R: Well, nobody’s perfect. At least Pam Allen thought you did a good job with the body work.
F: You are the result of many hours of toil – your hours. And now I think your ready for the part of
Rocky. But, I will be touching you.
R: Oh dear.
F: But first, meet the family. Best actor…best singer.
RR:
R:
F: Magenta…Rocky.
(Rocky flashes Magenta)
F: Columbia…Rocky.
C: Hi.
R: I can tell.
F: Well, what do you think of him?
RR: He’s not as good an actor as me…er…you.
M: Let’s skip to Columbia’s famous line.
C: He’s okay.
F: Okay? I think Pam Allen can do better than that! But let’s try Brad and Janet first. What do you
think of him?
J: I don’t like men with too many muscles.
F: Ah, so you like him then? No matter…I’d like to sing a song about our director.
F: A director...weighing 98 pounds
Needs help from her friends, when doing a musical.
And soon she’ll find him, a grad from Athens.
More of a chore…was finding the choreographer
Together, they made us glisten…and gleam.
With a new stage manager…and a drinker of Jim Beam.
The show was odd, but quite clean.
It was a good show
All: And a strong show.
F: She bought expensive…tight corsets
And tights not in eggs.
To help us perform…and show of our legs.
Such an effort. She showed us how it would go.
She said in just seven weeks…I can make you a show.
We did warmups and blocking
Speed throughs were a perk.
Who thought acting…was such hard work?
Such deviant living. The Mesa Journal doesn’t know
That in just seven weeks…Shawn made us a show.
C: Billy!
E: Whatever happened to my review?
I dressed up sharp and I felt alright.
I know I must have seemed quite a sight.
Come into the room and blew them all away.
I used to come back in the 2nd act
And play the part of some German quack.
People loved me and that’s a fact.
But Pam ignored my parts in the play.
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
I want some credit for my roles!
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
I want some credit for my roles!
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
I want some credit for my roles!
My head used to swim when Chris hit my legs
And he did it again every time I would beg.
Now you might think that I’m a strange egg.
But I’m one of the most normal in the cast.
Get back on stage with a grey wig on
And sing about Eddie’s last song.
People giving me cues would help me along.
I did pretty good (woo!) and I wasn’t too fast.
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
In my wheelchair, I rock and roll!
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
In my wheelchair, I rock and roll!
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
I was great in both my roles!
Hot patootie! Bless my soul!
I was great in both my roles!
F: One from the border.
R: Why did you have to kill him? He’s so entertaining.
F: He had a great voice, but no rhythm. Chalk it up to Shawn’s ear.
F: But a soundtrack and an audience
Who is so loud, they cover up
Our…mi-mi-mi-mistakes
Makes it seem like we really know.
So, in just seven weeks
Shawn made us a show.
END ACT ONE
Act Two
N: Welcome back. Do use the props. There are those who say Brandi and I were just an illusion. The phantoms, as we know it, were merely additions that could have been cut. If this is so, the audience wouldn’t have gotten so riled up when I did my narration. But – they loved me – and I’ve got a great voice – even if I have to use it when I get lost and just say, "the devil’s reins!"
J: Oh, Chris. Oh yes, yes my darling, but what if Brad forgets to say his line.
B: It’s alright Janet. I won’t forget this time.
J: Oh, I hope so. You!
F: I’m afraid so Janet But isn’t this effect nice?
J: It’s great – it’s wonderful! But what about Brad?
F: Mmm. Don’t worry – he’ll get a chance too.
J: Good. I can’t believe I tried out for this show. Before now, I wouldn’t have – I’ve never even
seen the show – at all – never.
F: Really? It’s not all bad, is it? Not really even half bad. In fact, if you forget that everyone will view you as a slut and you run around in your underwear, it’s quite – pleasurable – Mmm – so naïve – yet so talented.
J: Aw – no – stop – I mean, I’m not the greatest – well – maybe I am – I’m better than – Brad!
F: Shh. He’s got an ego the size of Texas – do you want him to realize he really has no talent?
J: That’s a problem? How?
F: He might quit and Sean-Pierre would get this role.
J: It’s not my fault, Shawn’s to blame…at least she got – a couple of actors right.
F: Well, there’s me and you and maybe the narrator? You liked her performance, didn’t you? There’s no crime in admitting she’s almost as good as you – maybe better? We could get an action replay on the video tape. Oh Janet, it’s almost Brad’s turn. I’ve got to go now. Mmm.
J: Be sure not to tell him…ohh.
J: Oh Brad – oh no – why can’t you get your lines right like me?
B: It’s alright Janet because no one’s paying attention to the words.
J: I hope so.
B: You!
F: I’m afraid so, but isn’t the affect nice?
B: Not bad. What are you doing with my mop handle?
F: Mmm – well – check out the silhouette.
B: There’s no way we can get away with that – never – not in this town – never.
F: I know – but it’s worth a try. I think the audience found it pleasurable. So funny. So dirty.
B: Ah – good – wait. No, I mean – stop – oh – stop.
F: Shh – the audience may be asleep by now – Do you want them to see this?
B: See this? See what?
F: See this!
B: It’s Shawn’s fault. She’s to blame. This silhouette makes it look like the real thing.
F: Oh, David, admit it. It was funny, wasn’t it? You came up with the idea originally, didn’t you? It may be a crime in this city, but let’s try it – shall we? We could say it was on accident. Oh Brad, we’ve wasted so much time already – The audience needn’t know, I won’t tell them…mmm.
B: Are you sure they won’t notice?
RR: Chris – The scene is over. The crowd got the joke – it’s time to move on to something else.
F: Oh – wow – what an enormous lie – coming!
J: What’s happening here? Oh my! It’s time for the "if onlies." If only we had more capable singers. If only we had been better prepared for the audience participation. If only we had more money or time.
N: If and only – two small words that kept repeating themselves in the cast’s thoughts, but it was too late to go back now – it was as if we were driving the Titanic – our only chance was for the audience to be – forgiving – and perhaps also – participate.
R: Oh! It’s you – look, I’m trying to cover up the fact that I can’t sing by wearing a thong – does it scare you? – I feel that my muscles are so great, no one will notice anything else. I have been flexing a lot – Yet, I still have a feeling of foreboding.
J: You should.
R: Is it true you think I have a nice ass?
J: Well, as long as you keep your pants on.
R: Throwaway line.
J: I’m married to Gabe. But this show overwhelms both of us – so much fun – I could see Gabe in a monster face before me – Ha! – we were having a great time – I wanted to be cheered – and Gabe was becoming an audience favorite – how could this have happened to us?
R: Throwaway line.
J: Yes – there you see, it’s instinctive – you throw away lines – the audience still loves the show! There’s our beloved audience participators? What are they up to?
N: Janet’s feelings ran wild as the audience cheered and jeered – They threw rice and other things – and then she saw them – our faithful audience members.
J: Gabe!
N: April!
R: Coley and Christie!
J: And our visitor from South Carolina – James!
N: If a show is suffering from poor acting and singing – it is logical to get these Rocky freaks out in the audience to really get the show going – But audience participation is a irrational and powerful master – and from what Cindy noticed in her husband and the others – there seemed little doubt they were indeed its slaves.
J: I was feeling done in.
Couldn’t win.
We only got a few laughs before.
C: You mean it sucked?
M: Uh huh.
J: I thought there’s no use going
To the Halloween showing.
It only leads to sadness
Because of our badness.
But now thanks to James
The show’s not the same
The crowd tasted blood and wanted more
M&C: More, more, more…
J: We’ll put up no resistance
When James goes the distance.
Gabe’s now a Rocky lover
And so are the others.
Taunt-a taunt-a taunt-a taunt me
Because it’s funny.
Hear me, cheer me, and jeer me
Audience of the night.
James had to go
Wouldn’t you know
Gabe took it up and April got down.
M&C: Down, down, down…
J: But they’re just one small fraction
Of all the action.
Christie was next
And Coley wore spandex.
Taunt-a taunt-a taunt-a taunt me
Because it’s so funny.
Slut, asshole, and no neck.
Taunt us all night.
Throw-a throw-a throw-a throw things
Such as rice and T.P.
Playing cards are also good
When it’s done right.
Laugh-a laugh-a laugh-a laugh at me
Just pay your money.
Ring bells, throw confetti
Audience of the night.
Makes the show alright.
Audience of the night.
RR: Aaaggghhh! – Mercy! Master!
F: Just be glad I’m not throwing you – did you see Shauna bounce?
RR: A good point, Master!
F: Pull up the next picture on the monitor, if it’s working. They liked the last one. Oh Rocky 1. Oh Rocky 2. Oh Rocky 3.
RR: The monitor is working this time, Master.
F: Really? I think I’m going to…
RR: Faint?
M: Master.
B: The monitor’s working? Really? That’s it – it’s time for a song.
N: A song? What about? Not about anything that made sense, that was for certain. Our technical problems? Or the people who did the work? Who could say – we got so much help and still had problems and this show, you can be sure, had plenty of problems.
B: Once in a while
The monitor turns off
For no good reason at all.
And once in a while
You’ve had enough.
You make believe
That you can see
Something on the wall.
And that’s all the time
That it takes
For Norris to have a heart attack.
The fault is not mine
When it breaks.
You see something
Or maybe someone.
The monitor’s back.
So baby don’t cry
When the set breaks
Because Deb’s here to make it work.
She’ll give it a try.
It’s a piece of cake.
So wash your face.
The show is saved.
It’ll be okay.
And that’s all the time
That it takes
For our hearts to beat again.
So give me a sign
Of the fix you make.
You look around
The set and sound
Are back again…thanks again…
F: How wonderful – how superb – Deb and Norris saved the show technically – How did we get so
lucky?
RR: Master – check out this picture of Dr. Scott.
F: Very nice.
B: Is he German? Or hispanic? Just wondering.
RR: You know he’s a Mex-
F: German!
B: Oh yeah. Now I remember.
F: Good. But this Dr. Everett Scott, he is not unknown to me.
B: He played Eddie in the 1st Act.
F: And now he’s his own uncle, isn’t he Brad? Even in the South, that’s weird – isn’t it Brad?
B: It might be – In South Carolina, it’s okay.
RR: Whoever he is is entering the building master.
F: Ah, he’s in the Zen room. The cheesy music gave it away. And it only got a laugh once – maybe twice – was it worth it? Riff Raff – get the rest of the cast here. I think it’s almost time for the finale. Two more songs and then it’s time for the floor show – which Amy will direct.
C: This is my first line in this act!
B: Really?
S: Hey – this is my big entrance!
F: Give it up Billy. It was part of your plan, was it not, to steal this scene with your German accent – unfortunately for you, I’ve got some good lines here too – lines like – "I know Brad is."
S: I can assure you I don’t want to steal this scene. Without David – I wouldn’t even get through this next song.
F: Really Dr. Scott? Or should I say Eddie?
B: Don’t give it away!
S: The audience noticed nothink! Ah – this set here…
B: What do you think it is, Doc?
S: It’s hard to tell – but it seems to be made by people in this play – or maybe people from another planet!
J: Brad!
S: Janet!
F: Rocky!
J: Pause…Brad!
S: Janet!
F: Rocky!
J: Pause…Brad!
S: Janet!
F: Rocky!
J: Pause…
F: Oh Rocky Rocky!
R: Piss off is the only reason I get to keep my lines?
F: Listen – I helped him get this role – and Pam Allen only pumped up his ego.
S: Too bad she didn’t do for him as she did for Eddie.
Ph: My only line and everyone does it?
C: Shh.
M &RR: Shh.
B: Isn’t it almost time for a song – how about one for Amy?
Ph: What a horrible link…
F: What do you know of Amy, Dr. Scott?
S: know she saved the dance scenes – you see, Amy happens to be our choreographer.
B: Dr. Scott!
S: Yes Brad – just a local dance teacher. We were in with a bad crowd, but she saved us – Especially in the floor show!
B: And Hot Patootie!
S: Before the day she showed up
The show was in trouble.
She brought us up
And made us dance.
She tried in vain.
N: And Sean-Pierre brought her nothing but pain.
S: She faced him and all his rants.
Swing dancing was key.
The dances were corny.
Just like they should be
For a musical.
We weren’t that great
But it was better than the dancing of late.
She truly was a jewel.
All: When Amy said to "swat at flies"
You start to wonder, "Is she sane?"
But when the audience cheered
Where everyone could hear.
F: What a girl
C: Made us whirl
S: Like in Fame.
C: Everybody loved me
And thought I was real funny.
But tappings not might forte
She told me that it’s okay.
Have fun and you’ll blow them all away.
S: So we did our dance
And our thrusting
In our underpants
And Amy said
All: What’d she say? What’d she say?
S: Stay with the beat.
N: I know it’s not an easy feat.
S: We’ll do the Time Warp until your dead.
All: When Amy said to try it once again
We made an awful lot of groans.
But when in the end
We neared a perfect 10.
F: Made us for-
C: Get the pain
S: In our bones.
All: When Amy said to "swat at flies"
You start to wonder, "Is she sane?"
But when the audience cheered
Where everyone could hear.
F: What a girl
C: Made us whirl
S: Like in Fame.
All: Amy…
F: Say a prayer for Amy. She saved the dance scenes. Her name is in the programs.
B: Are you sure she wants it there?
F: There, that should restrain you all. Except of course those of you who keep moving.
M: What a cheap effect.
F: Shh.
J: The review. There’s something wrong with the review.
S: Who cares? I can’t feel my wheels!
B: You must be Robo-Scott!
F: He is, that’s why smacking his legs doesn’t hurt him – Ok, it’s mood swing time – Riff Raff, mess with the oscillator or the transducer.
M: They are used interchangeably.
S: You won’t find all the music you need as easily as you imagine. This next song, it is really hard to match up perfectly on the CD, I suppose.
F: You’d better believe it, baby!
B: You mean, we have to sing a capella?
S: Yes Brad – and that shouldn’t be too hard. It’s just a couple of phrases each – except for Chris Borgman.
J: So, shall we start the song about the planet?
F: Planet – schmanet – Janet.
Tell you once
Won’t tell you twice.
You’d better sing out, Janet Weiss.
Some of our guys
Don’t sound too nice.
You’d better sing out, Janet Weiss.
I start to sing.
It should be all we need.
Next is Brad.
He’s not too bad.
Sings out real loud
You could hear it
Out in the crowd.
Then came Billy.
Take my advice,
He was off beat, Janet Weiss.
Then came Rocky.
He’s so cocky.
You can’t get used to
A total key change isn’t nice.
You’d better sing out, Janet Weiss.
You’d better sing out
The whole thing out
You’d better sing out.
N: And then she sings out…
J: Okay!
F: Let’s get this part sung
Cause we sound like dung.
B: I’m the first one
But no one else can top me.
Don’t stop me.
S: I’m the next one
But I’m just a bit off beat.
Now repeat.
R: I sound like I’m
Singing a whole different
Song here.
J: I’m the last one
And I never know when you’ll stop me…
F: Thank God that’s over with. Now it’s time to drag out the ending – everyone needs time to change.
C: Great! I have a whole monologue prepared just for this! I talk about chewing and spitting. And loving. And bad hearing. And of course the big fat nothing. Then a part about cleaning supplies. Are you ready for it? Here goes…
F: It’s not easy filling time. Even great lines lose their luster. I hope the crowd doesn’t turn on me. Gabe and April are behaving just the way James did. Do you think I should drag them onstage for a bow?
M: When can we move on? I grow weary of this scene.
F: Seba, I know you are ready for you big scene in the finale – you and Chris both – your patience will be rewarded.
S: I only ask for a couple more lines, Master.
F: Not this year – come – our audience is growing restless.
N: And so, thanks to some extraordinary acting – our floor show members had time to change. But, some of them struggled – And corsets came loose – At least the high heels and boas looked good – What further indignation would the cast be subjected to? And what would the final song be about? What indeed? From what was written earlier in this parody, it was clear there would be no holds barred.
C: It was great when it all began.
Several cast members were big fans.
But it was over when Chris had the plan
To lower my voice to sound like a man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope
Is flirting with that crazy dope.
I’ll do my best it keeps me
From going insane.
R: I’ve seen this show a thousand times
And listened to all the rhymes.
But my singing is sub-sublime
And I have trouble keeping time.
The only people who aren’t pissed
Are on a very short list.
I apologize to keep everyone
From going insane.
B: It’s beyond me
Why’d you cast me?
I can’t sing, can’t you see?
I just do it loudly.
What’s this, let’s see?
My boa’s underneath me.
I thrust my wee-wee.
The crowd cheers again.
J: I feel released
Shyness deceased.
My confidence has increased.
Do I seem the same?
The most talent in the show
Strutting around like a ho.
I’m glad I’m here though.
I kept this show from being lame.
F: Whatever happened to Tim Curry?
He’s the Frank you could say.
To some he’s a god
And I give him a nod.
Cause I perform the part the same way.
But I do it with absolute pleasure.
Singing and acting just like the film.
My acting ability is beyond any measure
So I’ll do it this way forever.
The crowd loves it!
Whoa whoa whoa.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
Don’t act it, copy it.
S: We’ve got to get out of this trap
Before Dr. Watson will kill.
I’ve got to warn him, he’s copying Tim
But why should I snap?
He fills the house…
And the tills…
B: It’s beyond me
We made money?
J: God bless Chris Borgman!
F: My my my my my my my my
My my my my my my
All: We’re a wild and an untamed cast
But the audience has a blast.
Because there’s so much love right here
Makes the audience want to cheer.
So let the party and the sounds rock on
We’ll perform it till our life is gone.
We’ll do the show
Every Halloween every year.
We’re a wild and an untamed cast
But the audience has a blast.
Because there’s so much love right here
Makes the audience want to cheer.
So let the party and the sounds rock on
We’ll perform it till our life is gone.
We’ll do the show
Every Halloween every year.
RR: Frank N Furter
The show’s almost over.
The show is not a failure.
You have one more song to sing.
Then I have to kill you.
Nothing personal, of course.
We’ll return to Transylvania
And you’ll always be king.
F: Wait – shouldn’t it be queen?
Dr. W: On the day, the show went away
All: Goodbye…
Dr. W: Was all I had to say.
All: Now I…
Dr W: Want to do it a different way.
All: Oh my my.
Dr. W: Get a band and it means I may.
Cause I want to see Brad and Janet
Played by the Phantoms
And I realize…we’re quite odd.
All: We’re quite odd.
Dr. W: Everywhere, it’s done the same.
All: Boring…
Dr. W: Frank played by someone gay.
All: Snoring…
Dr. W: Gentlemen dressed as dames.
All: Adoring…
Dr. W: Fans who come all the same.
But I want to see…Chris as Magenta
And Shauna as Eddie
And I realize…we’re quite odd.
All: We’re quite odd.
We’re quite odd.
M: How thought-provoking.
RR: And also presumptuous of you…you see, everyone thinks they are guaranteed a spot in next year’s show because they were in this one – However, after this production, we’re going to have a lot more people trying out next year – so some of you may remain on the cast – as tech people anyway…
S: Great heavens! That’s a cast list!
RR: Yes, Dr. Scott, a cast list capable of cutting even the best actors and actresses.
B: What about the leads? Won’t they still have a spot?
F: Especially me.
S: Maybe we could make a separate part for Eddie – that would be more chances for someone to be protected.
RR: It’s possible Dr. Scott – Now, everyone, the show is ending – say goodbye to everyone – they may not be back.
F: We will all return! Just wait and see.
C: Hear! Hear!
F: You support me even after the way I treated you? Silly bitch.
B: Well, I guess we won’t know who will be back until next year.
RR: Yes.
J: Maybe I can get Gabe to audition too.
M: Good, we liked him – and we liked Chris Mitchell too.
RR: They didn’t like me – they never liked me – You saw the way things were – no one gave my warmups the proper respect they deserved.
S: We gave it the same respect we gave Sean-Pierre’s stretching. And we still did just fine.
RR: Warmups had to be done.
S: They were okay by me.
RR: Eddie, I’m sorry you didn’t get the role you wanted.
S: Yes – perhaps it was for the best.
RR: Everyone should leave now, or at least move out of the light. We’re about to have a long drawn-out launching sequence.
M: It’s probably the worst planned sequence in the show.
RR: Go…now…
S: We’ll be out of the light bowing our heads if you need us.
RR: The show is almost completed, and soon we shall be able to get back to our classes we skipped out on for this show.
M: Ah…sweet UTPB, school of eternal makeup tests, to bring that grade…up a letter!
RR: But it’s the sucking up…
Ph: That really gets you an A.
M: And our cast will do this show again next year!
RR: Activate the blastoff sequence.
B: I’ve done a lot.
I’ve memorized.
I’ve painted sets.
Sawdust in my eyes.
But now I know
I’ll do it again
Ph: Next Halloween.
J: And super actors
Perform again
To make the money
Needed again.
That’s why I know
I’ll be back
Ph: Next Halloween.
Ahhh… Ahhh…
N: And this is how we get our fix
Of Rocky Horror out in the sticks.
Lost in toilet paper
And lost in Bics.
Ph: Every Halloween.
Ph: We’ve learned some lessons in this play
A live band blows karaoke away.
Singers needed for all roles.
Higher ticket prices are our goals
At the UT…PB Rocky…Horror Show.
You’ll want to go
See the UT…PB Rocky…Horror Show.
THE END