Saturday, December 5, 1998

man, i am going to drink tonight......because there is something...in my head that i just can't get out...

ok, go figure....when i was younger, i was burned so badly in relationships....one of them, we will call her A, well, she just "wanted her space" (gives me the shivers)...and in my head, i knew what that meant...but i trusted her...with all of my worth and glory...then i found out the truth.

with L (another), i also was told that she wanted to "go out without me", and i did not mind that, because i trusted her, too..., and...what do you think happened here?

beginning to see a trend? i have trusted people so much before, so much...and now, with the bitterness of age, i look at them and i just...shudder when i get close to someone....in the back of my head, somewhere, i keep thinking to myself..."you haven't learned from anything, have you?"...

now?...now...well, i trust people...but i am still so afraid of them...and all of their machinations...

what the hell has happened to me? i had always wanted to...build a strong relationship...with people, close people, and that always seems to slip through my fingers...

(sorry for the misspellings....just shivering...)

when i was in the hospital a few years ago...(mental), i realized many things about myself....and one that sticks out the most is how...i see things...

recently, i have been oh so tempted to go back...because i always think that something is wrong with me...something...i am either pushing people away, clinging too close...or something...and i just can't seem to get it right...that is why i was not in a relationship for a long time...

one thing that i learned in a relationship is that if you want to see a friend that annoys your significant other...unless it is a good close friend (best friend would apply here), then you respect that...and you tell your friend that it is not worth seeing you to upset the significant other...to me, and that is just to me, you just don't do that....it is disrespectful in the eyes of the significant other, and to yourself...

i think, though, that is just something that is a bit culturally bound...it bugs your significant other for a reason...and i don't see the sense in just dismissing it as, "oh, they'll get over it"...because it sticks in the back of their head..and they will remember it, you know? in a way, it creates a division...the briefest of ones, but one that is there...i mean, when you weigh "your SO (significant other)annoyances to "i want to see so and so who is not really that important", then....for ME, there is no choice...to do what is right, for ME, and that is to not see that friend...i mean, is it really important to do that? if it is, then...well, then that is just a difference...but i think that is why divorce rates are so high...why people practice infidelity like it is going out of style...in a society where "ME" reigns, there is no "US"...

families are so disheartened and so segretated, because we have raised our children with false concepts of togetherness and, at the same time, with this need for what we do as we will....and what do our children get??? confusion, separation for the familiy, and transition to aloneness and there, in that aloneness, there is no bonding, no damn justification to have that cohesive glue to build on.....but, as always, what in the hell do i know....

i remember my father, and how he would go out drinking while my mom stayed home to take care of us.....did he ever want her to go? did he need his "space"? well, i guess he did, because he found it in the arms of another girl....and left my mom after 9 years....

people, think for yourself one thing.....what is a committment?

do you take it lightly?

have you even made one?

let me guess.....afraid, huh? i TOTALLY understand...

"we leap...from our side of the canyon into that blind faith that we call love....and we feel the cold of the dark...that lack of committment...we know we have lost..." (constantine)

hey...i just figured something out....i have too much faith...