| Sunday, April 3, 2005 6:13 p.m. |
| Its been so long since I wrote in this thing and the last time I did I think I was losing my mind. The good news is that the slump is finally over and I am beginning to feel somewhat normal once more. Today I was watching two children mine and a friends daughter. It was nice to have her over. every time she is here dan has someone to play with. They both wear each other out and at the end of it I get some much needed time alone. They both picked flowers for me today out in the yard and I put thim in a small cup and sat them on the table. Its dandilions and those little purple flowers but its still wonderful and makes me smile. Those kids love me and I love them right back. I mean really where would i be without them both of them. If she didnt come over once in awhile like she does I would feel so bad that i never had another kid. Other than all of that im finally starting to analyze myself and my life which is a process much overdue I guess the hiding the pain is over. Hiding from my fear is as well. I could have gone and visited a friend but I freaked out im scared of that kind of relationship right now. Terrified really I cant get hurt again and while I know that I must take that chance eventually I see no point in taking it right now. I start the divorce proceedings in June I just want to get this over with. I love chase still in my way but there is no in love with anymore. No i want to be with you yadda yadda yadda. So burn this flesh and heal me Fix my wounds so they no longer bleed Take my brain so I will think no more Take my heart so I cannot love Empty my pain Scorch my soul |