Family Honor
Chapter 1: The Flight
of Akane Tendo
A Ranma ½ fanfic by Zorknot
DISCLAIMER: These characters and some situations are owned by
Takahashi Rumiko and the Army of the Undead and not by me. If everything about
Ranma were to be made into a movie, I’d be an extra with a very short screen
time. Maybe not even that. You know that scene where some guy is selling bread
to a girl with a panda balloon in the first episode? My best friend’s second
cousin knows a guy who played bingo with him once. Though if you ask me, I
think he made it up.
~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~
Saotome Genma
trudged along the road. So far this evening he had been insulted, beat up,
rained on, and generally humiliated and things weren’t exactly looking up. He
wished he hadn’t told Ranma anything. That he had just kept the engagement to a
Tendo daughter a secret until they were almost there. But Family Honor demanded
that he tell Ranma why all of a sudden they were headed for some place in
Say what you
will about sons exceeding their fathers, but Genma wasn’t particularly pleased
at being beaten so thoroughly by someone he’d seen in diapers.
Genma’s whole
body ached.
He would feel
better in a day or two, once he had some rest, but right now he was wondering
if there might be hidden benefits to ritualistic suicide he hadn’t previously
considered. Right now he was a panda, and his son was a red-headed girl, and a
trip that should have taken all of twenty minutes was taking some four hours.
“Hey, look at
it from MY perspective, Pop,” The redhead, argued. She was wearing a kimono
that was several sizes too large, her hands completely covered by the
sleeves. She also carried a very large
backpack. She was drenched from the short shower that passed by half an hour
ago, but she seemed unfazed by it. She was walking extremely slowly, and Genma
really just wanted to get to the Tendos’ so he could sit down and relax. “I
thought we were going back home to see Mom.” Ranma continued, “Instead I find
out you want me to be engaged to someone I don’t even know. Of course I’m going
to be a little upset.
“Growf.” Genma said impatiently,
waiting for Ranma to catch up.
The girl
reached the panda again making her small, leisurely steps. She looked up at
him. “I know it’s for Family Honor. But wouldn’t Family Honor be satisfied if
we stayed with Mom?” The capitalization on the words “family honor” was
audible. Several of the older folk, who had seen stranger things than pandas
walk down the streets of Nerima, nodded with respect. They could see family
honor was something Ranma valued very much.
They didn’t
know the half of it.
“Growf,” was Genma’s answer to Ranma’s question. He tried to
convey that the issue was settled and not to pursue it anymore.
Ranma looked
past her father at a ramshackle vending booth run by a young girl and her
mother. “Oh look! They’re selling kittens! Aren’t they cute?” As Ranma passed,
the kittens suddenly scurried behind their mother, who started hissing.
Genma raised a
forepaw to its head and buried his furry forehead in it. He realized he had
moved a good bit ahead of his child and stopped so Ranma could catch up again.
“GROWF!” he barked impatiently.
“Ah, come on, Pop. You never let me
play with the cats!” The Panda’s eyebrow or rather, the top of his eye patch,
twitched as Ranma reached him again. “And I’m sorry if I can’t keep up with
you, but if I go any faster, this kimono will be ruined. I am going to be
engaged after all aren’t I?
Genma started
walking hanging his head in shame. Why couldn’t he have a son that was rude,
impatient, and insensitive? Why did he have to take after his mother so damned
much?
So tell me
something, Pop. Who is it? Do I know the person?
Genma just kept
walking. Didn’t his son realize he couldn’t talk?
“Is it a boy or
a girl?” Ranma suddenly asked.
Genma stopped.
He whirled around to see his child, smirking mischievously at him.
Ranma chuckled,
“Ha! I got you good, there, Pops! Really, I swear you have more trouble with my
curse than I do!” Ranma walked on. She watched a blue butterfly flutter in the
air above her. She held out her hand for a perch. The butterfly landed on her
finger. She brought it closed to her face smiling, and then let it go. She had
taken some twenty steps but she was still no more than a meter away from Genma.
“Hey I know what we can do to make the time go by! Let’s sing!
Genma groaned. Ever
since they had stopped by that karaoke bar near the docks, Ranma was under the
impression that her girl side’s voice was a wonderful thing she should share
with the world. Admittedly Ranma could sing rather well, the martial arts
breathing techniques giving her lots of breath support, but still...
“Yappa pa, yappa pa,
ii shan ten!
Unruly love, like the
carp, jumps out of its pond!
Yappa pa, yappa pa,
ii shan ten!
The ocean breeze from
my heart wants you to respond!”
Genma briefly
considered simply walking the other direction, but of course he couldn’t do
that to his son. Besides, Family Honor wouldn’t let him. He clenched his panda
jaw as Ranma kept singing.
“My world turns dark, and
I don’t know why.
Ranma, Ranma, it’s all
because of you.
Once we met, that
began the end. Ranma, Ranma what Are we fighting for?
You’re the only one to
turn my gray skies blue!”
Of course Ranma
loved this song. It had her name in it. Nevermind
that it was recently voted the most annoying song in
“Why can’t you just say
the words ‘I love you
Without destroying the
house with your fists?...”
Genma ripped the sign out of the concrete.
Just as he feared, his son turned daughter was swaying and snapping her fingers
to the music that wasn’t there.
“You know, when you do
that,
I can’t back down.
You know... it makes
me...just like you!”
Ranma reached up to
the sky in grandiose fashion preparing to belt out her favorite part of the
song, the part about the “one-room apartment of my heart.
“OH! You never rang, you just became a part,
Of the one-room...” THUD “URK!
Genma put the sign
back into the concrete and slung his unconscious child onto his shoulder.
“Hey that panda
just attacked that girl!” one of the onlookers exclaimed in astonishment.
“Yeah thank
goodness!” his companion replied, “I didn’t think she’d ever stop!” There were
several murmurs of assent.
Genma nodded,
picked up Ranma’s pack and trudged briskly onward, toward the house of his
childhood friend. He hoped he was doing the right thing...Family Honor was such
a tricky thing to deal with.
~~~~~*~~~~~
“Um,
Daddy?
You know I like family time as much as the next girl, but can we go back to our
rooms now? My feet fell asleep about an hour ago and I want to make sure
they’re still attached... Nabiki, age 17, Soun Tendo’s
middle daughter asked.
Soun had
somehow managed to doze off, leaning against the doorway of the engawa as dusk
settled in Nerima. He woke up with a comical snort at Nabiki’s question. “It
was the Master, dear I swear! Huh? Oh... Nabiki, my daughter.
Please be patient. My friend is sure to be here any moment.
“Honestly Dad,
you said that almost two hours ago!” Akane, age 16, Soun Tendo’s
youngest daughter argued.
“The postcard
said he was coming. In all the time I’ve known him, Saotome has lied to many, but he always told the truth to me. He is coming.”
Soun folded his arms in finality, which would have been more impressive if he
hadn’t done the same thing ten times before.
“Yes, but
Father, did the postcard say when the
Saotomes would be coming?” Kasumi, age 19, a pink and purple polka-dotted pygmy
sasquatch with eight arms and a pleasant disposition,
asked politely.
“Hmm...” Soun
thought seriously about his eldest daughter’s question before answering, “now
that you mention it, I don’t think it did!
Akane
practically growled, “You mean we’ve been sitting here all this time and THEY
MIGHT NOT EVEN SHOW UP?
Soun turned
back toward the sunset. “I suppose it IS a possibility, he admitted. The scene
outside was so beautiful he felt inspired...
A panda postcard
The sun’s red-violet
death
I am so happy
Soun didn’t see
the scene behind him of Kasumi using four of her arms to restrain Akane from
committing patricide.
Nabiki rolled
her eyes and stood up unsteadily, stomping her feet on the floor. There was an
odd noise from the front entrance of the house. “Oooh, that must be Ranma!”
Nabiki exclaimed almost not quite sarcastically. She stomped to the front
entrance in her kimono.
Some five
seconds later, she came running back into the living
room. Not because she was particularly scared of the large panda that was
making its way into the house; Kasumi, with her eight arms, primal features,
pink fur, and conservative clothing was scarier that any panda could hope to
be. She was running because the kimono-clad girl on the panda’s shoulder was
singing THAT song. Very loudly. And Nabiki wasn’t
completely certain that she was going to stop.
“Yappa pa, Yappa
pa, ryan shan ten!
A stolen kiss from
your lips is sunlight in the rain
Yappa pa, Yappa pa,
ryan shan ten!
A gust of love, the
spice of live, the end of the refrain...”
The panda
limped up to Soun picked the girl of its shoulder and set her down in front of
him.
“So Father,”
Asked Kasumi, one hand on her father’s shoulder, one hand to her lips in
consternation, two others scratching her sides and the remaining four clasped
in front of her apron almost cutely, “is this your
friend?
“Mmm mmm mmm MMM!” Soun shook his
head through the singing.
“Every time
that you stare at me Ranma, Ranma things start to spin around... Ranma
continued the song acting out the meanings of the words in pantomime.
“Oh GODS will
someone make the girl stop!” Nabiki groaned.
“I love you’ is what I
want to hear... Ranma, Ranma dear
Wait a minute here!
I thought I wanted to
keep my options free!”
Ranma knelt on the ground and raised her hands in fanfare to her
less than impressed audience.
“It is somehow
appropriate though don’t you think?” Kasumi noted.
Soun wondered
how it was that this pretty girl in kimono had befriended a panda and trained
it to walk on its hind legs and carry her around. He also wondered why she had
barged into his home unannounced. Then he remembered his eldest daughter...The
girl no doubt had a long story to tell about both counts. “May I ask what your
name is, miss?
“Oh hi there! Name’s Ranma! Saotome Ranma! Go easy on me kay?” the girl vigorously shook Soun’s hand, released him,
and then bowed deeply.
“Erm, yes, I am Tendo Soun and this is my family.” Soun
gestured to his daughters, “Please...go easy on us as well.” Soun spoke
blankly. “Your father wouldn’t happen to be Saotome Genma would he?
“Yep! That’s Pop! He’s the panda.”
The girl cocked a thumb in the rather tired looking panda’s direction.
Soun was
waiting for a good opportunity to faint, but he was too confused. Genma was the
panda?
“Look,” Ranma
said catching the Tendos’ confusion, “Family Honor demands that I must tell all
of you a few things, and its best if I just show you.” Ranma looked at her
audience for a moment smiling. “You there, with the pretty pink fur, what’s
your name?
“Kasumi,” the
eight-armed pigmy sasquatch replied.
“Oh that’s a
pretty name! How do you do? I was just wondering if
you could get me two cups of water, one steaming hot, the
other cold.
“Certainly,
Ranma-chan, I’d be happy to!” Kasumi hurried off to the kitchen to get what
Ranma asked for.
“Now then,”
Ranma continued, “Like I said, I am Saotome Ranma, and Saotome Genma is my pop.
Which means I’m engaged to one of you...
“What do you
mean engaged? You’re a girl!” Surprisingly, this outburst came from Nabiki and
not Akane.
“I’ll explain
that in a second, but first, neither of you want to be engaged to me at the
moment right?
Both Nabiki and
Akane shook there heads.
“Tendo-sama, are these all your children?
“No,” Soun said
resolutely, “my eldest daughter is in the kitchen.
“Oh! She’s your
daughter too? I’m sorry! It’s just she doesn’t look anything like you. Except
maybe in the eyes...” Ranma stared at Soun for a while, “But anyway, Tendo-sama. Do you agree that maybe the engagement should be
called off? These two don’t seem to like the idea and I’m guessing Kasumi will
feel the same way.
Soun almost
nodded, but then stopped himself, “No. I refuse to call it off. It was an
agreement I made under my honor as a martial artist, to the only true friend
I’ve ever known other than my...my... wife.” Soun started to get misty but he
swallowed and continued,
“The engagement
will just have to be postponed until a Saotome and a Tendo can be suitably
matched.”
“Oh okay. So do
you mind telling me what you mean by ‘suitable exactly? I mean YOU wouldn’t
want to marry me right?”
Soun’s eyes
bulged as he realized he had fallen into a trap. He COULD satisfy the agreement
by marrying the girl, but that wasn’t what he wanted at all. He could say there
was too much of an age difference but in
Nabiki smirked.
Maybe the girl wasn’t so bad after all...assuming she wasn’t serious. She
shuddered.
“GROWF!” the
panda exclaimed stepping between Ranma and Soun. “Growf growf growf
GROWF!”
“Aw, Pop
doesn’t seem to like that idea, Tendo-sama.” Ranma
said leaning seductively up against Soun, “too bad, I think you’re kind of...”
“GROWF!” Genma said, though the sound was somewhat more akin
to a lion being throttled by a giant squid while sacrificial lambs are shoved
down its throat.
Ranma turned
around and laughed pointing at her father “I REALLY got you that time, pops!
I’m not at all interested. I’m just saying he’s handsome. And judging by how
pretty his daughters are, his wife must have been
really beautiful.”
Soun wasn’t
sure how to take this. On one hand the compliments were going to his head, on
the other, there were implications behind them that were contradictory and not
altogether pleasant. Fainting was looking more and more like a good idea...
Kasumi came
just in time with four glasses of alternately steaming and cold water. “Here
you go Ranma-chan! I got some more in case you needed it.”
“Thanks,
Kasumi-chan, that’s great.” Ranma took
one of the steaming cups and upended it over her...his head.
Soun fainted.
“Oh, say by the
way, would you like to be engaged to me?” Ranma asked Kasumi.
“Wh...wha?”
the sasquatch was dumbfounded.
“Well you’re a
Tendo right? I think you’re pretty...how about we get engaged? I wouldn’t mind
and it would satisfy Family Honor.”
“S..sure Ranma.”
“Really?” Ranma asked clasping two of Kasumi’s furry hands
in his own, “That’s awesome! Now everyone’s happy!”
“Oh my!”
exclaimed Kasumi. She would have blushed... except she was already pink.
~~~~~*~~~~~
“Why don’t you
fight me?” Akane demanded angrily of the pigtailed boy in front of her. Ranma
had, since engaging himself to Kasumi, changed into a
girl, back into a guy again and then into a martial arts gi,
explaining that he felt like a workout and asking if he could use their dojo.
Akane’s father was still unconscious and she was still in her gi so she had decided to ask the sex-changing pervert to
spar with her. Beating the little man bitch up would relieve some stress. But
the bastard wasn’t taking any of her hits! He wasn’t even blocking!
“What do you
mean, Akane? I AM fighting you!” Ranma ducked under one of Akane’s errant
blows.
“No you’re NOT!
You’re just dodging around!”
“Well duh!”
Ranma replied crossing his eyes, “if I don’t dodge I’ll get hit!”
“You could
attack you know. I can take it.”
“Um... okay...
I’m going to kick you in the stomach then, how’s that?”
“What?”
Ranma kicked
Akane in the stomach. Akane fell to the ground sucking in breath and writhing
in pain.
“Why didn’t you
dodge that?” Ranma asked, genuinely perplexed.
“I... wasn’t
expecting... you to call...your move out!” Akane protested.
“That’s a
Saotome tradition! It’s only fair you give your opponent time to prepare. Not
calling out your attack when you start a fight upsets Family Honor.” Ranma said
matter-of-factly, crossing his arms.
“But what if
you’re fighting for real?” Akane asked.
“I don’t know
what you mean. I would never fight someone who wasn’t prepared to fight.”
“But what if he
WAS?”
Then I would
scarcely need to call out my attacks, then would I?
Ranma replied, “And there’s no reason to say ‘he’. It could just as easily be a
girl, you know.”
“How do you
figure?”
“Well,
recently, most of the people I’ve fought have been girls...”
“I KNEW it!
You’re a sadistic perverted FREAK!” Just like every other boy, Akane added
mentally
Ranma blinked.
Then he snapped his fingers. “Hey! You know what? I think you got the wrong
idea somehow! Let me see if I can explain. It’s really a funny story...”
Akane crossed
her arms and gave Ranma her best Nabiki brand
I-don’t-believe-a-word-you’re-saying look.
“Okay so after
all that business with Jusenkyo and me trying to calm Pops down—you’d think he thought
I was dead or something!—and finding out about the curse not being permanent...
Anyway after all that, Pops and I were REALLY starving. And the guide we were
with, he mentions this place nearby named Nyuuchezutswun.
Well it turns out Nyuuchezutswun means Amazon
village, and the Amazons there were holding this tournament and first prize
was—get this—an entire banquet table full of every type of food you can think
of! So I ask the guide if I can...”
“Let me guess”
Akane interrupted, “You challenged the winner of the tournament for the prize, you won and the entire village
was so impressed with your prowess that they invited you to join them and learn
from them.”
“Um,
well...INITIALLY Shampoo—she’s the one I challenged-vowed to hunt me to the
ends of the Earth and kill me, but after we worked that out, yes that’s more or
less what happened,” Ranma admitted.
“Honestly, you
could at least offer a better excuse than some overused male fantasy of
big-breasted Amazonion bimbos falling over themselves
to teach you their savage ways.”
“How’d you know
they had big breasts?” Ranma asked.
“Look, you
ignorant prick, I happen to know something about this. The most likely
candidates for Amazons were the Berbers of Libya and they were all conquered in
700AD during the first Arab invasion. There aren’t any Amazons in
“Well yeah
that’s what they did before they migrated to
Akane’s jaw
went slack. Kahina was a historic Berber woman who
resisted the Arab invasion...and evidence showed that Amazons DID wear pointed
hats on occasion...How did Ranma know these things unless... No. It had to be
some kind of trick. Ranma probably read up on Amazons and then concocted an
entire storyline so he could brag about it later. “Look, I don’t know what
scrolls or whatnot you’ve been reading but your story just doesn’t make sense.
Why would a girl swear to kill you and then accept you into her tribe?”
“Well I was female
when I defeated her. By Amazon law, as soon as I defeated her she was
responsible for my death. The thing is an outsider woman who defeats an Amazon
is automatically part of the tribe. Its kind of funny but being responsible for
my death, meant Shampoo had to make sure that I did not die except by her own
hand. If I had run away she would have tried to kill me, so she could end the geas quickly, but since I stayed in the tribe and it’s
unlawful to use lethal maneuvers against a fellow Amazon in the village without
issuing a challenge, she actually ended up protecting me part of the time.”
Ranma gave a
short chuckle, “Of course I didn’t know that at the time. The guide we were
with wanted to hightail it out of there and I almost went too, but I figured if
we ran away we’d just have to deal with the problem later anyway, and I was
thinking maybe the Amazons had their own kind of Family Honor. And I can
certainly understand acting a little strange if it’s for Family Honor.”
“So what did
you do?” asked Akane feigning interest as a plan formed in her brain.
“I performed
the Giri Mouko Taosu.”
“Family Honor
Strikes Down Fierce Tiger?”
“Well Pops
originally called it the Mouko Rakuchi-sei,
but that wasn’t really accurate and since Pops and I both developed it into an
art in its own right, we decided to change the name.”
Akane nodded
seriously and then aimed a front snap kick toward Ranma’s chin. It would have
been thoroughly satisfying to see the tip of the arrogant asshole’s tongue
arcing out his mouth and trailing bright red blood as it flew on its trajectory
to the floor...but unfortunately Ranma leaned back almost to the floor at the
last moment and flipped away from Akane. “Fight me, you jerk! Akane screamed in
exasperation.”
Once Ranma was back
on his feet he continued speaking as if he were merely changing the subject.
“You know, you probably ought to learn the Giri Mouko Taosu. I think you could
find it really useful. Would you like me to show you the basic form?”
Akane cocked
her head at Ranma. How long had she wanted her father to teach her something
new? How long had he refused, saying he couldn’t bear to subject his daughter
to the training he had endured? And now finally, here was someone willing to
teach her a new technique! Of course he was a boy, and so he probably expected
Akane to go on a date with him afterwards but if she could grow as a martial
artist then maybe she could stand it just this once, even if he was a
womanizing, sex changing, perverted freak of nature. “Um... okay sure.” Akane
smiled.”
“You know,
you’re kind of cute when you smile...” Ranma smirked.
Akane stopped
smiling immediately. She didn’t want this asshole to think she liked him. Gods,
the last thing she needed was another Kuno.
Ranma frowned.
“Look, it was just a compliment okay? I’m not trying to get in bed with you or
anything. I just think it’s a shame you scowl so much when you have a cute
smile like that.”
“I would NEVER
get in bed with someone as perverted as you! Akane declared. That this “wild
stallion” would even think of such things proved he was more perverted than any
of the boys at school. Maybe even more than Kuno.
Ranma shrugged
Akane’s comment off. “The first basic kata of the Giri Mouko Taosu
is fairly simple to learn, but difficult to master...”
Akane calmed
herself into her student mode. She was a good student. She got all A’s in
school and she could answer any teacher’s question. She valued knowledge with
just as much vigor as her sister Nabiki...although it wasn’t the same KIND of
knowledge. Yes this boy-girl man-freak that barged into her home and started
bossing people around deserved to be beaten thoroughly, but on the off chance
that he...she...IT had anything to teach her...she would bear it a few moments
longer.
“First,” Ranma
continued, seeing that he had Akane’s attention, You
stand in the Yoi position, feet shoulder-width
apart...”
“I KNOW what
the Yoi position is, Ranma!” Akane snapped as her
calm evaporated.
“Um... well
okay but you’re doing it all wrong.”
“What do you
mean?!” To say that Akane didn’t know the Yoi, or ready position was like accusing someone of not
breathing correctly. She had learned it when she was a baby for crying out
loud! Akane was so surprised at Ranma’s gall she didn’t have enough time to be
properly pissed.
“Well, you’re
too tense for one thing. There’s no way you’d be ready for an attack with how
stiff you are. And one thing you should NEVER do is lock your knees up like
that. I could break both of them in two seconds if I wanted to, besides you
don’t have much balance that way.”
Akane realized
Ranma was right. She forced herself to relax into the proper position, the
position she had known since childhood and could reach even if blinded.
“Yeah, that’s much
better... except your feet are a little too far apart and your fists aren’t
tight enough...”
Akane growled
but made the necessary adjustments.
“Oh and you’re
not breathing correctly. Your breaths are too short and shallow, like you’re
angry at me or something. You need to take nice deep, even breaths...”
Akane grimaced
and forced herself to calm down again. She could stand this humility a little
longer if it meant learning something... but she sincerely hoped it was worth
it. Sixteen was too young an age to be convicted of homicide. She was in
perfect form now. Saotome had distracted her before, but now she was
flawless....
“Okay,” Ranma
said, hesitantly, “I guess that’s good enough for now...but really you need
to...”
Ranma read Akane’s expression.
“Uh never mind... The next move is a little
tricky. Bend your knees as far as possible and raise
on the balls of your feet so you’re kind of sitting on your heels.”
Akane did as
Ranma directed. “What is this supposed to...”
“From this
position you can jump full force into the air at a moments notice, letting you
attack or dodge someone else’s attack.”
Akane fell on
her ass.
“Also, it helps
with balance,” Ranma said with a smirk.
Akane got back
up onto the balls of her feet. She was just a little surprised... that was all.
She had plenty of balance. She beat up all those boys at school didn’t she? She
beat Kuno all the time didn’t she? She had balance up the wazoo.
Akane fell on
her ass again.
“Don’t worry
about it,” Ranma said. “When I first learned that position I fell too. It isn’t
quite like most balancing where it’s side to side. It’s forward or back.” Ranma
looked away smiling. “Of course, I was six at the time...”
Akane decided that
she absolutely and unequivocally hated Saotome Ranma. The boy bitch must be
some insidious beast from one of the more unpleasant hells. This treatment just
wasn’t fair. She could do that position no problem, but Ranma made her so
angry...
“Let’s go on to
the next position. That one’s easy. Just bring your knees to the ground and sit
like your having tea or something. Just make sure you’re still supported by the
balls of your feet.”
Akane did as
her ad hoc sensei asked. “How’s this supposed be any good in a fight?”
“Well you’re
right, you can’t attack too easily from this position, but here it’s not so
much mobility as defense and distraction. You wouldn’t expect an opponent to
sit down in front of you in the middle of a fight would you? Besides, you got
full use of your hands and you can always raise your knees into position two or
go on to the next position and push off into a flip.”
Akane took a
tortured breath. “Okay what’s the next position?”
“That’s the
most important position. What I’m about to tell you is
the most important move I ever learned and it’s saved my hide plenty of times.”
“What is it already!”
“Okay, raise
your arms straight up in the air.”
Akane did so
feeling a little stupid “Okay.”
“Now, lower
your hands and upper torso to the ground and say you’re sorry.”
Akane’s head
jerked up. “NANI?
“Go on, say
you’re sorry. Better yet you could say something like Saotome Ranma, please
forgive me for calling you a perverted freak and for trying to hurt you during
what was supposed to be a friendly spar.”
“The hell I
will!” Akane got back onto her feet.
“Well it’s up
to you really,” Ranma shrugged, “But the more specific to the situation the
better. Gives your opponent the idea that you truly understand what it was you
did wrong and that you aren’t going do it any more.”
“I didn’t do
anything wrong!”
Ranma looked
confused. “I’m sorry, Akane, I haven’t made myself clear. What you did WAS
wrong. Now normally it wouldn’t matter. I don’t take insults from ignorant people
very seriously anymore, but I...”
“I’m not
ignorant!” Akane raised a fist at Ranma.
“Um...okay. I
guess maybe you’re in a bad mood or something and it’s making you stupid. But
that really doesn’t matter. Anyway like I was saying...I intend to marry your
sister. That makes us family. If you keep insulting me
and attacking me out of anger its going to upset Family Honor and I don’t think
either one of us wants that.”
“Fuck family
honor!” Akane said and a unleashed a haymaker in
Ranma’s general direction that the boy easily avoided. Akane was caught however
by the curiously sad and frightened expression on Ranma’s face.
“You really shouldn’t have said that,” he
said.
Then Akane
heard an awful growling sound behind her...
~~~~~*~~~~~
“So, Kasumi, that strange man sitting with Daddy in the living
room...that’s Mr. Saotome?” Nabiki asked her older sister, holding the
curtain above the entrance to the kitchen over her head with her hand.
“Yes...would
you let Akane know she can take her bath now? Kasumi was efficiently making
dinner with all eight of her arms.
Nabiki was
always amazed at how she could keep track of everything her arms were doing. So
often in Nabiki’s business the left arm didn’t know what the right was doing
much less whatever any other limbs might be up to. Nabiki grimaced as she
realized she had thought of an extremely bad pun. Returning from her short
reverie she said, “Oh Akane’s fighting Ranma right now. You know how she is.”
“Yes, I do wish
she’d stop being so violent.”
“Kasumi...why did you say yes?” Nabiki asked.
Kasumi’s simian
features curved in a wistful smile, and she paused over her cooking. “I don’t
know really. I just saw something in him... somehow I feel he’s a kindred
spirit. I feel like I could talk to him about anything, and he would
understand.” Kasumi started cooking again but at a slower, pensive pace.
“But...don’t
you think you should get to know him first? He seemed pretty sharp and all and
he IS pretty cute, but you never know about people...”
“Nabiki...I
can’t explain it but I know he’s right for me. I’ve never been so sure before
in my life.”
“But...” Nabiki
tried to think of how best to word what she was about to say. “Well, sis, I
really hate to point this out...and you know it doesn’t make you any less of a
person but...well...you ARE a pink, polka-dotted, eight-armed, pygmy
sasquatch...don’t you think that might cause problems?”
“Oh, Nabiki,
you’re just jealous you didn’t say yes when you had the chance.” Kasumi smiled
and continued cooking.
“Yeah...”
Nabiki muttered, “That was it...I’m sorry for bothering you.” And with that,
the middle Tendo daughter left the kitchen, and walked to the stairs.
Nabiki could
never figure out her older sister. At the same moment she seemed completely oblivious
to what was going on.... she could also have such sharp insight it was
frightening.
Nabiki WAS a
little jealous. Even she hadn’t realized it though. It would be so much fun
having a boyfriend like Ranma, who could also be a girl, who actually had some
intelligence, who was cute... If he only had money he’d be perfect. But even
there...did she really want to marry into money? No, not really. She had to be
the bread winner. She wouldn’t be able to stand it any other way. Ranma was a
great catch and she had let him slip by.
What Nabiki was
having the toughest time with, though, was the feeling she had that Ranma would
be wasted on Kasumi. As much as she loved her sister, and she did love her,
there was still some part of her that screamed she was not human. Nabiki had no
idea before tonight that this part of her existed. It sickened her.
She plodded
upstairs to her room. She opened her closet. And crouched
down to a wicker chest. She opened it with a painful creak. There,
gleaming in the light was her salvation. All she had to do was stick it in her
mouth and pull and then all her troubles would go away.
She picked it
up, marveling at its feel, at how something so simple could have such awesome
power. She put it into her mouth closing her eyes imagining what it was going
to feel like to have a foreign object coursing through her body at such an
awesome speed. She took a breath...and pulled.
The bag of
potato chips now open, Nabiki stuck her hand inside and greedily inhaled some
twenty chips before finally calming down.
With such
golden crispy goodness in the world, even having jealous thoughts of a
primate’s fiancé isn’t all that bad.
Between chips,
Nabiki heard several thuds and the sounds of screaming coming from the dojo.
Well, she thought,
popping another chip in her mouth, might as well see
what that’s about.
She was at the
door about to head downstairs when she stopped, popped another chip, and got
her camera.
There really is
nothing quite like potato chips and espionage to soothe the nerves.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Tendo Soun
looked at his friend Saotome Genma, tears streaming down his face.
Saotome Genma
looked at his friend Tendo Soun, tears streaming down his face.
The life of a true
martial artist is fraught with peril.” Soun sobbed looking off into the
darkness.
“You don’t know
the half of it, Tendo.” Genma declared.
“There’s more?”
Soun asked, incredulous.
“Yes, the worst
is still to come.”
“What could be
worse than to have a son who’s a girl half the time, who’s a better martial
artist than you are but acts like an annoying brat?”
“I know, it
seems impossible, but it’s true. There is something much, much worse.”
“What is it,
Saotome?”
“Family Honor,”
Genma said and then broke into a fresh onslaught of sobs himself.
“I don’t
understand...You mean that crazy deal you made with your wife that you’d kill
yourself if you didn’t make Ranma a man among men?
“No... it’s worse than that...”
“You mean the
contract you signed with your Uncle Jiro that you’d
give Ranma over to him on his eighteenth birthday so he could perform genetic
experiments on a human host?”
“No...it’s worse.”
“You can’t mean
that time you sent a lock of Ranma’s hair to your cousin in
“No,” Genma
laughed, “that was a joke.”
“Well then,
Saotome, what is it?”
Genma remained
silent.
“Come now, it
can’t be that bad...”
Genma gave Soun
a nice long baleful look. “Have you ever heard of a technique called the
Nekoken?”
“No, can’t say
that I have.”
“It can only be
taught to adolescents on the first onset of puberty.”
“Why’s that?”
“There’s a
greater amount of psychic energy then due to all the hormones. I imagine if you
gave enough supplemental drugs to someone they could learn the technique too
but that’s kind of dangerous. You remember what happened to the master...”
Soun shuddered.
“Yes. He was such a nice old man before...
“Anyway you
take the student, you cover him in fish paste or some other fish material and
you blind fold him, tie him up so he can’t move and throw him into a pit of
starving house cats.”
“Then what?”
“That’s it.
That’s how the student learns the technique. You keep doing it again and again
until they learn the Nekoken.”
“I don’t
understand. Even given the psychic energy part I don’t see how house cats could
be used in any kind of training.”
“Well the idea
is to cause the subject to develop a phobia to them.”
“How could anyone
be afraid of a cat? Tigers I could understand. I’m a little afraid of tigers
myself. Or lions...but plain old felix
domesticus?”
“Actually there
are quite a few people who have a phobia to cats. It’s called ailurophobia...”
“Well a little
superstition I can understand. I mean I get a little anxious when I see a black
cat and I could see how that could generalize into all cats, but I do not see
how taking a bath in cats could induce a phobia.”
“You aren’t
listening. The cats are hungry. They’ve been starved for days. You cover the
subject in fish paste THEN throw him in the pit.”
“Saotome, have
you ever seen a house cat eat?”
“Yes.”
“Would you
describe the act as being particularly voracious?”
“Well no....”
“I don’t care
how much you starve a cat, Saotome they’re still going to be as dainty as
hypersensitive French women with electrodes up their asses.”
“But they
scratch a lot...”
“Oh yes they DO
scratch. And the scratches are so severe sometimes it takes a whole DAY for
them to heal! Good grief, Saotome what are you smoking? There’s only two
dangers you have from house cats assuming they ARE house cats and they don’t
have rabies or anything of the sort. They can scratch out someone’s eye, or
they can smother them in their sleep. As long as you keep a blindfold on the
subject and check on him from time to time he should be fine. In fact, I’ll bet
you on that. I know a kid, bout eleven or twelve,
comes around every now and then wanting to learn martial arts. He won’t leave
me alone... I bet if we used this training method absolutely nothing would
happen.”
Genma gave his
best “Is that your final answer” look and continued “Well...anyway as I was
saying I put Ranma through the Nekoken training...”
“What? You put your
own son through that torture?”
“Yes, I was
telling you about Family Honor.”
“I thought you
changed the subject... Saotome, that’s pretty cold putting your son through
that. I could never do that to my daughters.”
“But you just
said that it was harmless!”
“For a student
sure, but the idea that you would subject your own flesh and blood willingly to
the claws of hungry beasts... I don’t know...”
Genma sighed...
“Ranma is my son but he is also the heir to the
“Well your son
is a boy...I guess it’s okay. I’d never train my
babies that hard though. I taught each of them just enough for self defense and
that’s it. That’s all they need to know.”
If Genma had
just found out Soun was an extraterrestrial being with a meter long proboscis
that could suck souls out people’s bodies and was in the habit of implanting
them in poultry, Genma would not have been more surprised. The entire point of
the marriage was to unite the two schools. If Soun hadn’t taught his branch of
the school to his daughters then the Tendo family claim was worthless. There
were so many other engagements that Genma could have let happen...that Kuonji
girl, the Noodle cook’s daughter, and especially the Amazon...all of them were
to be trained or already were trained in some form of the Art, but Genma backed
Ranma out of each of them thinking surely Tendo had trained his daughters in
Anything Goes, that they would be the best match, and that one of them would
marry Ranma and teach the Art to their children and the Art would continue
forever.
Soun screwed
that plan right up.
Ranma’s
infatuation with the monkey had to be a joke. Genma had intended to get his son
to choose Akane somehow, but now to know she wasn’t a master of the Art? The
entire engagement had to be called off. Still he was Soun’s friend. How could
he stop the engagement without going against his friend’s wishes or more
importantly, Family Honor?
Postcards.
Yes, all he had
to do was send postcards to all the other fiancées, letting them know where
Ranma was. They would end up fighting each other and the strongest... Yes this
would work! It was perfect! In fact, it would have been a good idea even if
Soun HAD trained his girls. And to sweeten it, he could continually force Ranma
and the Tendo girls together, which would of course only drive them further
apart, but Soun wouldn’t know that. The only problem was Ranma himself. And of course Family Honor. Genma had a feeling they
wouldn’t cooperate.
“So,” Soun
spoke interrupting Genma’s thoughts, “You were saying something about family
honor?”
“Yes. You
see...you must understand that I told many stories of samurai to the boy. Ranma
loved them, but he was always particularly interested in the stories about
family honor. A concubine would have to kill herself to appease family honor, a
samurai would banish himself from the empire so that family honor could be
satisfied, and there were other stories I told him. About how one family would
rule over the others because they had family honor while the others did not.
What I did not realize as I told these stories is that Ranma did not quite
understand what I was talking about.”
“How do you
mean?”
“Ranma somehow came
to the conclusion that Family Honor was the name of a very large, vicious, and
invisible dog.”
“Kids are funny
like that.”
“Heh heh...yeah...funny.”
Just then, Soun
and Genma heard a loud sharp scream come from the dojo followed by a series of
alarmingly loud thuds.
“What was that!” Soun exclaimed.
“That would be
Family Honor getting acquainted with your daughter Akane.” Genma said.
Soun started to
get up but Genma grabbed Soun’s arm tightly.
“Don’t,” Genma
cautioned, “You’ll only make things worse.”
“But my baby!”
“Akane will be
fine as long as she performs the Giri Mouko Taosu.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“As long as she
says she’s sorry, she’ll be fine.”
“Soun shot to his
feet, his face ashen. “She’ll be killed...”
“No, she’ll be
okay. Don’t worry.”
“I hardly think
a large vicious dog is going to be careful with my baby.”
“No she’ll be
fine. The most she’ll get is a few scars.”
Soun looked
incredulous.
“You see what
was supposed to happen was that the cats would awaken Ranma’s Id and it would
gather ki around itself until it could manifest as something semi-corporeal, an
extension of Ranma’s body that could still react with the environment.” Genma
explained. “The problem is that instead of regressing to a primal state, Ranma
called upon what he saw as a righteous if ruthless savior. Instead of the power
coalescing around Ranma’s Id, it coalesced about his Superego which for some
reason Ranma drove out of himself.”
“So in other
words, any time Ranma is witness to something he deems morally reprehensible
Family Honor punishes the wrong doer?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm... Akane
has a very similar condition, except it involves a large wooden mallet.”
“How do you
suppose that happened?”
“I’m afraid
Akane never quite understood the culinary arts. She got the completely wrong
idea about what it meant to ‘tenderize’. Then in Junior high she started having
trouble with boys...”
“Tendo, did we
ever have any paranormal projections of our moral selves when we were
teenagers?”
“Not that I
recall, Saotome.”
Genma shook his
head and sighed as Akane’s screams rose in pitch. “Kids these days...”
“Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.” Soun nodded
sagely.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Meanwhile, back
in the dojo...
“AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAArrrrrgghhh!”
Akane seemed to say as she was spun around the dojo rapidly by a giant
invisible canine.
Nabiki watched,
amused, as she munched on some potato chips and snapped a few photos.
Ranma cupped
his hands and yelled to Akane. “Just say you’re sorry! That’s all you have to
do!
“NEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEVeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEER!”
Just as Akane
finished her fifteenth revolution, Kasumi entered the dojo and called out,
“Akane! Ranma! Dinner is almost ready! You can take your baths now!”
Almost
instantly, Akane was released allowing her to fly toward the wall at great
speed. The wall desperately tried to stop Akane but she was a stubborn girl and
broke right through, landing in the koi pond. This would have been impossible,
as the pond was on the other side of the house, except for the intervention of
a tree which caught Akane, bent backwards, and released her as if it were the
second baseman in a peculiar game of baseball. Why the tree did this is the
subject of much debate among the sentient squirrels of the area, but since no
one pays much attention to them, their opinion hardly matters in the overall
scheme of things.
“Oh my!” Kasumi exclaimed, “I hope Akane is all right.
“I’m sure she
is, Kasumi. Still...Hey Nabs you think you could check on Akane?” Ranma asked
Nabiki.
“Nabs....”
Nabiki muttered. Then she shrugged, popped a chip in her mouth, and left to
witness the aftermath.
“Akane will
probably be fine, Kasumi.” Ranma assured his fiancée. Family Honor used to kill
all sorts of people, but it’s less violent now.” Ranma eyed the Akane-shaped
hole in the wall “I tried to warn her, but she wouldn’t listen.
“Yes, I’m
afraid Akane-chan never cared for Family Honor... Kasumi sighed, “She’s a
little stubborn but otherwise she’s a good girl.”
“Yeah, I saw
that a little bit. How’d she get that way?”
“She had a few
bad experiences in Junior High, and there is this older boy named Kuno...but I think
really it started when Mother died. I think Akane took it harder than any of
us.”
“That’s rough.
I didn’t really get a chance to know my mother. If it wasn’t for Family Honor,
I’d probably be just like Akane.”
Kasumi nodded
sadly. “It’s strange...you’re the first person I’ve ever met who cares so much
about Family Honor. Most people think it’s dead.”
“I know. Most
people don’t worry about it ‘till it bites them in the ass.” And with that, the
two of them walked out of the dojo, holding hands.
~~~~~*~~~~~~
Akane was
floating face down in the koi pond. A red cloud of blood curled away from her,
irritating the fish.
Nabiki popped
another potato chip in her mouth.
Apparently
Akane was dead.
Nabiki snapped
a photo. Maybe she could get some money from the newspapers.
Nabiki sighed.
“Oh well.” She poured the last crumbs of potato chips in her mouth and then
shoved the empty bag into her shorts pocket so she could throw it in the trash
later. Then she got into the water and with an almost clinical efficiency she
dragged Akane out.
She felt the
side of Akane’s neck, put a hand a couple of centimeters away from her mouth,
then pinched the nose and wiggled a little. She sighed. “I’m never going to
live this down you know...” and with that Nabiki kissed Akane.
Almost
immediately after Nabiki’s brief bout with lesbian incestual
necrophilia, Akane started spurting out water. Nabiki turned her little
sister’s head to the side and waited.
Akane slowly
turned her head up. “N-N-Nabiki? You...saved my life!”
she exclaimed, breaking through Nabiki’s line of thought.
There weren’t
any potato chips left. All of a sudden Nabiki desperately needed them as her
emotions threatened to well up. Quickly she thought of her options...She could
either A. Hug her sister and tell her how she was so worried and didn’t want
that to happen again so please stop doing this stupid martial arts crap. B. Cry
incoherently or C....
Nabiki smirked and
held her hand out. “That will be 5,000 yen.”
Whew. That was
close.
~~~~~*~~~~~
“No, I’m
telling you, Nabs, Akane was in no real danger. Family Honor would not have
allowed her to drown. If you hadn’t been there, she would’ve gotten out of that
pond on her own.” Ranma assured resolutely.
“No real
danger? Saotome she’s a completely different person!”
“Um...she is?”
Ranma looked confused.
After Nabiki
brought her inside she had done some tests. “How many
fingers?” Nabiki had asked.
“Three fingers!” Akane had replied.
“And who is
this?” Nabiki had asked pointing at Kasumi.
“Big sister Kasumi!”
“And this?”
“Daddy!”
“And this?”
“My dear Uncle Saotome!”
Nabiki knew
something was wrong, but it was unconfirmed until Akane had followed Kasumi
happily into the kitchen. As if she weren’t Akane, destroyer
of kitchens, but instead some Martha Stewart wannabe with a crack addiction.
“Now, Akane,
I’m perfectly capable of cooking dinner by myself, Kasumi had said.
But the clincher was
when Akane said “Yes, but I really want to learn to cook! How will I ever please
my husband if I can’t cook a meal?” Kasumi managed to keep her from actually
touching the food...but, supper had been super surreal.
Ranma and his
father explained about Jusenkyo and Family Honor while Akane acted like some
kind of Kasumi clone...only with not as much fur or as many arms. Even a
stranger had to know something was up.
Back in the
present Nabiki gave Ranma a sub-zero stare.
“Well, alright”
Ranma said, “I guess I did notice she was acting a little different, but it
seemed to be a good thing as far as I could see.”
“Saotome, I
don’t know what game you’re playing. I don’t really care. But...Akane has to be
able to fight tomorrow. The boys challenge her everyday at school. I’m giving
you responsibility for her safety. Either cure her or protect her, but it’s
your mess to clean up. And you better be serious about marrying Kasumi. If you
break her heart, Saotome I swear I’ll...If you hurt either one of my sisters
again you are going to pay. Big time.”
“As if on cue,
Akane started screaming as she ran out of her room.”
Nabiki caught
her sister as she passed. “What is it Akane?”
“It’s terrible!
Terrible! It smells so bad!”
Nabiki walked
briskly to Akane’s room, followed by Ranma and an overly frightened Akane. She
opened the door...and immediately closed it. The smell was ungodly. Even the
small amount she had allowed through was making her want to gag.
“What is in
there Akane?”
“It’s probably
dog crap.” Ranma offered matter-of-factly.
“We don’t own a
dog Saotome. And there’s no way a dog could make a smell that bad.”
Ranma shrugged,
smiling mischievously. “Yeah, well...Family Honor’s a bitch. What can I say?”
Nabiki
grimaced. And she thought HER pun was bad...
~~~~~[END]~~~~~
AN: Yes, I know
that the “real” words to Jajauma ni Sasenaide are different
in places. I know for instance that instead of “ocean breeze” they say “sea
bream” and that’s a kind of fish. But it’s kind of hard to say that in a song.
Basically I wanted an English version of the song that I could sing along to,
and I felt the viz version was a little
unsatisfactory. (Ranma Ranma, it’s me you always tease? My heart is
like Mah Jong to you?)
Granted, my version isn’t much better if at all, and the song’s kind of silly
anyway, but there you go.
Thanks to NemesisZero, Yakumo, Aondehafka, Jeram, Edward, and Dunefar for
their help. Any mistakes are purely my own.
Comments and criticisms? Yes please!