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Thyself Known

Ch 2: Happi Daze

by Zorknot

DISCLAIMER: And Takahashi Rumiko did create the great Ranma 1/2 series. And it was good. And then pretenders such as myself did play with plot concepts and character developments. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

WHAT HAS COME BEFORE: Ranma had a dream, he woke up, talked to Kasumi about her date with Dr. Tofu, made breakfast to the consternation of the other Tendos and his father, father told him he could cook without being unmanly as he had fulfilled a debt of honor, Ranma sat down to eat, Akane got angry, and Happosai glomped Ranma, but not before Ranma changed from male to female... without water. Witness the aftermath.

~~~~~*~~~~~

“You had your faults; but you were bad at heart.
I disliked each life, I assure you, for its own sake.
But to deal indifferently in life and death;
To sell wholesale, piecemeal, annihilation;
To-I will not go into particulars
This beats me

To MEN, NOW, should I give advice?
I'm vain, as you know; but not ridiculous.
Here in my inglenook, shy, idle, I conclude:
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THEM: as the consequence.
They end without me....”

   Fr. "A Conversation With the Devil" by Randall Jarell

~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~

    Breakfast wasn't over, but no one really felt like eating anymore. Everyone was looking at Ranma for some sort of explanation, but Ranma, being clueless as usual, couldn't give one. Adding to Ranma's discomfort was the pain of the red mark on her arm where she had pinched herself.

    "Honestly, how could you think this is a dream? And that's a pretty stupid way of finding out...RanKO!" Akane had suddenly remembered she was mad at Ranma.

    "It's not stupid, it works! Last night I had this dream, see, and-"

    "That's nice, Ranma, but what does that have to do with you changing forms without water?" Nabiki interrupted, hoping to stave off the inevitable Akane versus Ranma match until SOME information was gleaned.

    "Well, it was a pretty important dream!"

"Really? What was it about?" Nabiki asked with three parts sarcasm and one part genuine curiosity.

    "Er... I don't know. It revealed some inner truth about something and foreshadowed something else... All I really remember is that when I pinched myself I knew I was dreaming and I woke up."

    A chorus of groans sounded around the table. "And this is relevant because..." Nabiki prodded.

"Alright! So it was just a stupid dream! I was just sayin'..." Ranma saw Nabiki's icy stare and gulped. "Look, I don't know what's going on any more than you do. I didn't even realize I changed until 'Hapantisai' glomped me."

    "You shrunk a foot and grew breasts! How could you not notice that?!" Akane never could get over the idea that Ranma was more or less oblivious to the actual change of his curse. Ranma never adequately explained this to her, and now he was too distracted by Tendo-san's snickering to respond. So was everyone else for that matter.

    "What is it, Tendo?" Genma asked his friend.

    "Oh, heh heh, nothing just... Ha-panti-sai, eight panties together, heh heh HA! That's a good one! That the sort of joke that my Kimi-chan would... WAAAAH!" Soun's words became an incoherent blubbering. No one else was that amused.

    The room seemed to crackle with emotional energy. Around Akane, it was like a blast furnace. That BASTARD! He made my father cry! He reminded him of mom! I'M supposed to remind him of mom! The NERVE!

    Meanwhile Nabiki was earning her reputation of being an ice queen. She stared coldly at her father for a while, then her attention returned to Ranma: "Ranma. You know something. You've got to. This isn't the first time you've done this."

    "It isn't?" Ranma's question trailed off at the end as she became distracted by something. Between Nabiki and Akane, where Ranma sat, there was an odd sort of wind- a wind that was not a wind. This wind started showing up only a week ago, during Nodoka's last visit. For some reason, Akane and Nabiki had an argument that day... This odd wind struck Ranma as familiar, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why. She just knew she didn't like it. Acting instinctively, she turned to Akane and said the first thing that came to her mind: "What're you starin' at ya uncute tomboy?"

"RANMA NO BAKA!" Akane replied as her trusty hammer materialized in her hand. It shortly found its way to the cranium of one Ranma Saotome. It left and returned again many times, leaving large throbbing lumps as presents.

Birdies like presents.
    Especially space birdies,
Chasing pretty stars.

    As Ranma slipped out of consciousness, Genma asked, "You say this isn't the first time Ranma's done this? How do you know?"

    Nabiki sighed, and the tension in the room eased somewhat. She'd have to show them the tape. She was hoping to show Ranma the tape after school and get him to pay money for her keep it from his "friends," but now that the cat was out of the bag she was going to have to put this particular card on the table. She ate one last bite of her breakfast, then she said, "I'll be in the living room in five." She ran up the steps to her room to record videotape from the laptop.

    A few seconds later, Ranma came to. There was a splitting headache, realizing where she was, and... there was still a curious feeling in her chest. Her breasts seemed to tingle. This was too weird. "I need ta get some hot water" Ranma stated, getting up.

    "You shouldn't need water, baka." Akane supplied, her anger having diminished considerably, but not completely.

    "Hey! That's right! I can change without water! Yay!" Onna-Ranma danced around, as she started singing "Never gonna be a girl again Never gonna be a girl again!"

"Hey, baka! You're a girl NOW!"

    "Oh, er...right." Ranma stood still for a long moment concentrating.

    Petals from the trees fell like snowflakes around the Tendo home.

    A koi jumped in the pond, flashing its scales in the sunlight, and making a soft sploosh sound when it hit the water.

    The semi sang their buzzing song, as is their wont to do in the hot days of late summer.

    Many people were starting to leave their houses for work while others were just getting up. A lot of these people would have killed to be able to simply sit around watching somebody trying to change their sex with their mind. Akane wasn't one of these people.

    "C'mon, Ranma hurry up and change!" Akane said impatiently

    "Yeah, well you see..."

    "You can't, can you?" Akane smirked evilly. "Don't worry, RanKO being a girl isn't that bad, I'm sure we can find some pretty dresses for you to wear."

    "Shut up, Akane!"

    "Oh is it that time of the month for you RanKO? I’m so sorry! Or maybe your PANTIES are the wrong size?"

    Ranma just looked at Akane, confused. "Why are you doing this?" she asked finally. These weren't Akane's usual insults. She was stabbing exposed flesh and it hurt. Ranma could stand a little of it from Ryoga, she could always come back with some remark about P-chan, but this was Akane, her fiancée. Her eyes glistened. She had to do something or she would cry. Desperately, she tried to cool her ki. Slowly, it started to work.

    "Oh! Am I hurting your feelings, RanKO? Are you going to cry? Why don't you run to mommy, she'll make it all better! She couldn't possibly want to kill you after seeing what a wonderful little daughter you've become. Her pretty little prin-"

    Ranma snapped her head up. She was not far enough into the soul of ice for this not to affect her. "AaaaaaaaarrrrrRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" Ranma's growl became a yell loud enough to shake the walls. A powerful yell. Not a scream. Gods, not a scream. "STOP IT AKANE! You're NOT helping!"

    Some part of Akane told her she had gone too far, but she was enjoying herself too much to care. Finally, there was something that got to Ranma, some weakness she could probe just like he had all of hers. Even better, Ranma had not retaliated yet. This was too good to pass up! "You're a girlie girl! Such a girlie girlie girl! Even when you're male!" Akane said in singsong while dancing around a fuming Ranma. She didn't notice her father's beet-red countenance, or Genma's stony glare. All she saw was Ranma, female and in an apron, getting praised by his mother for being such a good cook. He could cook. He had a mother, but was he grateful? No! She could accept it the first few times, but it had been going on for a year now. Ranma was still hiding, afraid of a little disembowelment, when Akane would have faced much worse for even a month with her own mother back. She repeated the tease again, the singsong quality turning into a dark chant as her voice filled with venom: "You're a girlie girl! Such a girlie girlie girl! Even when you're male!".

    Nabiki slowed her descent down the steps as she heard Akane's words. She could see Ranma through the staircase banister, and he wasn't taking it well. She hesitated a moment more before going down the rest of the steps. "Akane-chan! That was a haiku! You're not becoming a Kuno are you?"

    That shut Akane up real fast. Her eyes shot to Nabiki. She was smirking subtly as she leaned against the wall by the steps, videocassette in hand. Is she taking Ranma's side??

    Nabiki saw no one was moving, and she was anxious to get out of Akane's glare so she motioned the group to the living room with her hand "Shall we?" Everyone was grateful for the distraction.

    As the two families walked to the living room, Soun turned to Genma: "Accept my appologies, Saotome. Akanechan's never acted so dishonorably before." He said this very loudly so Akane could hear him.

    Genma's face softened somewhat at this and he thought for a moment before replying. Didn't Ranma do much the same thing to Akane? He had eased a debt of honor to Kasumi, but had he ever done the same for Akane? And wasn't she supposed to be his fiancée? "It's all right Tendo... I think Ranma had it coming" Genma stated finally, matching Soun's volume and hoping that Ranma would take the hint.

    Both Ranma and Akane heard all of this. Akane, after the cold shock of what her father had said about her wore off, took what Genma said to heart and she started to smile. Ranma, on the other hand, simply viewed this as new information not as important as what she was thinking about now and filed it in the "agonize over later" section of her brain. When the two families sat down in front of the TV Genma and Soun saw an ironic tableau as Akane sat with a confident smirk while Ranma, sitting as far away from Akane as conveniently possible, had a face that showed an odd mix of anger, confusion, and determination.. This was not the reaction Soun and Genma had been hoping for.

    Ranma tried to reign in her thoughts. How could Akane do this?! After all we've been through! She really must hate me... She could feel the tears threaten to drop from her eyes No, I will not cry. I've got to calm down, think this through. BUT SHE'S MY FIANCEE! It doesn't matter. YES IT DOES! Why? It's not like... I love her... or anything...maybe... It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. It's all just a game, a challenge. I just got to figure out how to win. No... There's no way I can win. I just have to figure out how to get hurt the least.

Ranma's hot red aura cooled until it was a dim midnight blue. The manifestation of her emotion had changed from that of someone who had just had a loved one insult them to that of someone who didn't give a damn. Alright, I changed without water. What else do I know? I first got the feeling of it from when Happosai groped me. How does that usually happen? He jumps in the room, splashes water on me, yells "Sweeto!", and glomps me. What was different this time? He didn't splash water on me... He must have known this would happen, unless it was... no it couldn't have been her. When did I change exactly? Was it before or after Happosai said "Sweeto?" ...It has to be his fault. He'll probably come back, wait until I don't seem to be expecting anything, and glomp me after which he'll explain just enough of his plan so he can gloat without revealing anything useful. Why hasn't he come back yet? He's probably here already.

Ranma closed her eyes as she tried to think of where the pervert might be hiding. She felt a tingling over her left shoulder. He's over there. Should I surprise him? Yes, that would be amusing...

    While Ranma was thinking, Nabiki was rewinding the tape. Finally she pressed stop and looked at her audience. "Alright, I was looking through the security cameras this morning when I saw this..." She pressed play. The image was of Ranma, male and walking into the view of the kitchen camera. He opened the cabinet door and reached for a pan but misjudged the distance causing the contents of the cabinet to fall. As he picked up the pots and pans and placed what he didn't need back into the cabinet, he became shorter, his hair changed color, and he became a she.

    "Honestly, you couldn't tell you turned into a girl?!" Akane was looking right at Ranma. Ranma was staring off into space. "Hey RanKO! Did you hear me?"

"Hmm?" Ranma turned toward Akane, intentionally giving Happosai a straight shot to her breasts. Soon she sensed movement. "Pardon me a second." Happosai was heading straight for Ranma's bosom when Ranma, using the speed of her chestnut fist, brought her hand up and circled a spiral around Happosai's body stopping in the center. Happosai's hot, lustful ki reacted with Ranma's cold, indifferent ki and he was thrown back and through the wall. "Now, what were you saying?"

    "...." Akane replied, stunned. She slowly turned her attention back to Nabiki.

    Ranma glared at Akane from across the room. I wonder what would happen if I just... smacked her. Real hard...

    Tendo Soun glanced at the hole in the wall somewhat impressed and turned to Nabiki. Happosai flying through parts of the house was a fairly normal occurrence after all. "But Ranma was male when I saw him. What happened?"

Hmm... she always asks me to hit her when we spar. I could end that, say by breaking her jaw...

Nice shot, there Ranma! Nabiki thought before answering her father's question. "Well that's the funny part...watch this!" Nabiki fast-forwarded to the scene of Ranma and her talking about the teakettle.

Or I could just kill her...

    The TV showed Onna-Ranma lifting the teakettle up, changing into Otoko-Ranma, and then pouring hot water on himself. Nabiki rewound it again and played the scene in slow motion. Female, then male, then hot water. "He was male a full seven seconds before he started pouring!" Nabiki said smiling. Genma looked confused. Soun looked relieved, presumably because the engagement was still on.

I could chop her into little pieces and hide them somewhere...

    Akane turned to look at Ranma ready to tease her soundly for being such a baka... but her words lodged in her throat. Ranma was staring at her. Through her. Like she was nothing. "R-Ranma? Why are you... staring at me like that?"

NO! WHAT AM I... no, it's too much trouble. And it wouldn't be all that amusing. I'd better check up on the midget. Ranma got up and walked toward Happosai, not even giving Akane a response. She casually knocked down the rest of the section of wall the pervert had been thrown through.

    The others followed Ranma out of the hole. They were all wondering what was going on. They didn't expect to see Happosai still there. He was lying face down in front of a tree next to the koi pond.The massive gouges in the rocky soil of the ground leading up to the tree were testament to the Herculean effort Happosai exerted in arresting his motion. "Oi, wrinkle face, are you enjoying your nap?" It was quite obvious Happosai was unconscious. Ranma kicked him lightly in the head. "Wake up, old fool."

    "Uunnnghh...Ranma?" a red, black, and flesh colored blur, seemed to move its head in a slight nod. Happosai felt horrible and knew there was a nice quick way to fix his problem. He moved to prepare for a glomp, only to find that both his legs were broken. "Iiiiiite! H- how?" Happosai noticed the other blurs that had gathered around him and Ranma. He recognized a brown and black one as Soun Tendo, meaning the white blur was Genma Saotome. They had both tried in vain to defeat him, but this boy, no worse; this GIRL defeated him soundly, and in mere seconds. It wasn't a real match, and Ranma had just taken him by surprise, but still... Ranma would have to pay for this embarrassment.

    "Did I forget to say it?" Ranma asked, disinterest apparent. "Hiryuu Shoten Ha revised, Tobu Sennuki." (flying corkscrew)

Happosai's vision cleared. "Where did you learn THAT, and how did you know where I was going to be?"

    Akane couldn't help herself: "Women's intuition?" she provided with a smirk.

    Ranma almost lost her composure. What is WITH Akane! WHY is she DOING this! It doesn't matter. She's just another part of this sick game. I could kill her and it wouldn't matter. Deal with Happosai. How did I know where he was going to be? ... Must be another benefit of the soul of ice. I need information from him, but... I need something to threaten him with. He doesn't know how much I know. I'll bluff. "There is more where that came from, jijii, and much worse. As for how I knew where you were... You have become rather predictable in your old age. Now, are you going to tell me what you did to me or do I have to give you a further demonstration of how much I have learned?" Her face was an emotionless mask.

Happosai's eyes widened further. Ranma's face was NEVER an emotionless mask. "You're not Ranma. You can't possibly be Ranma. Who are you?"

    There was a very uncomfortable pause after this. They all saw that Ranma wasn't acting normal. They heard Happosai's question and wondered. The seconds passed by like hours. It was 7:59.

7:59:01

    Soun Tendo felt depressed. Things were beyond his control once again. All he wanted was for his daughters and his friend to be happy, but even though this seemed like a humble enough request, he was continually denied his wish. He found himself wondering, as he had many times during Ranma's stay at the Tendo home, and especially when Nodoka started her visits, what his wife Kimiko would have done. When they were together they had their own complications, such was the burden of a family of martial artists, but Kimiko always seemed to have a way of settling things with a wonderful mix of kindness, wit, and when needed, fighting ability. He was almost glad when his two eldest daughters gave up the Art, because that meant fewer conflicts. Conflicts he had great trouble easing without... his beautiful Kimi-chan.

7:59:12

    As Soun cried rivers from his eyes, Genma Saotome had his own worries. He was worried that he was losing his son. For ten years, Genma was Ranma's sensei, and as far as he could tell, he had done a good job. Ranma had mastered every technique Genma had taught him and more. Still, Genma wished sometimes that he could have been more of a father as well. Unfortunately, he had the bad karma* of being an idiot, a kleptomaniac, and a coward. He was, as he would sometimes explain to Soun over sake, a simple man. If it hadn't been for his own father's nasty gambling habit, or Happosai, who gained custody of him as a result of the gambling habit, he would probably be working in construction, or maybe working with horses like his grandfather did. As it was, all he knew was how to make bad decisions and martial arts, and a fair amount of his martial arts training had stemmed from stealing and cheating and well... making bad decisions. He wanted something better for Ranma, and he just didn't know how to do that as a father.

    Knowing this, he was often surprised at how well Ranma turned out. To help out Kasumi like that... Sometimes Genma wanted to march Ranma right up to Nodoka and dare her to call him unmanly. Then, he'd see how he was with Akane, and he'd wonder if he should get the tantos sharpened. But, all in all, Genma was proud of Ranma. He was always quick to laugh and had an air of confidence that somehow made others more confident as well. Torment after torment, Ranma took it like a man, and dealt with it. Genma was hard on his son. He felt he had to be. He couldn't allow Ranma to become too weak or the world would crush his spirit. And that's what Genma liked the best about Ranma. His spirit never seemed to falter, never seemed to weaken... Until now. Now he saw coldness in his son's eyes, where before, there had been warmth. Where Ranma would have joked about Happosai's perversion or cheer over his victory he now only gave a sneer. There was another thing, though. His son usually only acted to protect himself or help others. Happosai was a devil of a man, and if he was killed it wouldn't have bothered Genma in the least, but Ranma was acting...cruel. Almost...evil. The nekoken, Jusenkyo, they were terrible, but Ranma worked through them. This, however, was almost too much... Genma set his jaw and tried to be brave for his son, but he was afraid, and it showed.

7:59:23

    Her father crying and Uncle Saotome white as a sheet, Akane turned to look at Ranma again. She was beginning to wonder if perhaps things were a little more serious than she had thought. Ranma had so many problems that they seemed to become commonplace if no less distracting, like the weather or traffic. So when Ranma's curse changed, Akane saw no reason to stop her ruthless teasing. So what if she had laid the insults on pretty thick? Uncle was right; Ranma deserved it... But she had not expected THIS. The way that Ranma looked at her back in the living room... She could understand being a little upset, but Ranma was being down right SCARY. She had seen how he blew Happosai away without even seeming to notice. She remembered the times when she sparred with him. Akane couldn't even touch him! Ranma was an almost unstoppable force, and suddenly... Akane wasn't so sure he was on her side. What have I done?

7:59:30

    Nabiki had been noting something strange about how Ranma was acting all this morning. He seemed to be going through extreme mood swings. When she first saw him cooking he was confident and determined, like he was during a tough fight. Then he used the soul of ice technique and he was cold and distant, but even more so than usual, and she could swear there was a tinge of depression. Then his father talked to him saying that he could cook with out being unmanly and he was deliriously happy. Maybe she was just imagining it, but each emotion was just a notch or two over the top. And after he found out about the change in the curse... He was deep in the soul of ice when she had come down the steps. She could tell that just by his face. Then, right before he surprised Happosai there was a change. It was very subtle. A corner of his mouth raised just a small amount, his eyes became half-lidded... At the time Nabiki dismissed it, but... then when he walked out of the room the way he walked was... different.

    The way he looked at Akane and was now looking at Happosai... it was not Ranma, but it was familiar. When she saw Ranma bluff she knew something was wrong. He had come up with the Tobu Sennuki on the fly. That she was sure of, and he would normally boast about being able to beat Happosai. However, usually he sounded like he believed it. Now, it was as if he knew that what he said wasn't true. He was lying. On purpose. Even though Nabiki could detect this, she was pretty sure no one else would. It was excellently pulled off, but... Ranma was usually a terrible liar. For some reason, Ranma wasn't acting like Ranma at all. He was acting like... and then Nabiki recognized why Ranma's behavior seemed so familiar. She looked at Ranma's cool calculating expression, at the hint of cruelty in his eyes, at the face that seemed to hold no clear emotion. She looked at this face and saw...herself. No, I'm mistaken. There's no way that could happen. Business, Nabiki. Think business. How can you turn a profit? Nabiki's ki grew cold... but not before a lone tear ran down her cheek.

7:59:42

    Kasumi snored softly as she dreamt. She seemed very happy in another world with no worries. "I love you, To-kun," she whispered in her sleep.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Tofu Ono stands in a clearing in a park. Patches of brightly colored flowers pepper the emerald grass with rainbow light. Above, the sky is blue, and fluffy clouds seem to dance politely for the sun's affection. Tendo Kasumi runs to Tofu, embracing him. They kiss passionately as the world spins around them; their love filling them until they feel they will burst, then they disengage and fall to the ground in each other's arms. "To-kun..."

"Yes, Kasumi-chan?"

    "I love you so much... please wait for me just a little longer?"

    "I'll wait as long as it takes for you, my love, even though it's agony. But Kasumi-chan..."

    "Yes?" Her eyes look up at his.

    "You know this is just a dream, right? It may not be like this in real life."

    Yes, it's only a dream. This is not Ono Tofu but a construct she had created to help her through her problems. Her eyes close. "Please let me have my illusions. The world can be so cruel..."

"As you wish, my love."

    She sighs happily and rests her back on the cool grass beside her love. Her eyes open and she gazes at the clouds above her smiling. Her expression changes suddenly to one of surprised confusion. "To-kun! There's a disturbance! Someone close to us is beginning the Ijuu!" She watches as one of the clouds takes the shape of a pigtailed boy's head. "Oh my! It's Ranma! What am I going to do?"

    "He has to find his own way, dear"

    "I know, but it's so awful what he's going through. I knew he was nicer this morning, but I had no idea! I should have talked with him..."

    "You were exhausted, and there was no way you could have known that he would be going through the Ijuu."

    "I know...I just wish I knew what to do!"

    "Ease his pain, Kasumi-chan, that's all you can do. Be there for him... like you were for me."

    "And as you were for me," Kasumi is confused for a moment. That wasn't something a construct of her subconscious would say... Then again, she wasn't an expert on subconscious constructs, having only one. The clouds now form the faces of Kasumi's family. She knows that they too depend on Ranma's success. "What if...what if Ranma fails?" She turns her head so that her worried expression is pointed at Tofu.

    "Then I'd expect anything from world domination to mass suicide, mass suicide being more likely." Tofu said smiling.

"Oh my!"

    "Don't worry Kasumi-chan this is Ranma we're talking about, he never loses a fight."

    "Yes, To-kun, I suppose you're right, but now Ranma's fighting himself and... kiss me quick To-kun I have to go." Tofu complies willingly. An eternity of joy passes in a moment and Tofu releases her, smiling sadly.

    "What are you to me, Kasumi? Are you and I 'special friends?'"

    Kasumi laughs. They played this game ever since Tofu's mother showed up a while back. "Oh my no!" she replies, playing along. Then, more softly: "We're lovers." She kisses him again and gets up. "I have to go, To-kun, my REM cycle is almost over."

    "Yes, I know. Kasumi-chan?"

"Yes, To-kun?" She asks smiling.

    "I love you, and remember," he grows somber, quoting "'Only one power...'"

    Kasumi grows serious for a moment as well: "'Only one power...'" She smiles softly as the world fades away "I love you, To-kun"

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Kasumi's eyes stopped moving as much and she breathed more heavily as she moved from the semiconscious state of dreaming to the oblivion of deep sleep. The smile on her face did not disappear.

7:59:59

    "Who are you?" Happosai had asked. If the old master had phrased the words any differently Ranma would have ignored them without a thought, but he said those words exactly. Exactly the same words that Ranma's false reflection said in the dream. Ranma's growing sense of Déjà vu was enough to warm her soul of ice a little.

8:00:00

    Nabiki's watch beeped signaling the hour and breaking the silence that held Ranma and the others in reverie. Ranma looked at the gouges in the ground, the felled tree, Happosai with his legs broken and bleeding...Bleeding. Ranma had never seen the old man bleed before. Who am I? How did I do this? WHY did I do it? I could have just kicked him through the roof like normal and... It doesn't matter. Like HELL it doesn't matter! I broke his LEGS! I never wanted to hurt him THAT badly. Maybe he won't bother me anymore. I should just ask him again while he can't get away. He's nothing but an old, perverted, bastard. He's a HUMAN BEING! Of course, he never really helped me that I can remember and as for being human, Pops and Mr. Tendo seem to think otherwise. But I still shouldn't have reacted so violently! That's not me! And what about Akane?!! I was thinking of KILLING her! GODS what the hell is happening to me! AND WHY AM I STILL A GIRL? Ranma’s aura abruptly turned from freezing to blazing hot in a matter of seconds. It started burning, allowing it to be seen by the naked eye as a red fire surrounding Ranma. She balled her hands into fists and reared back her head, belting out a deafening...yell. Definitely a yell. Girls scream; guys yell. It's a very powerful "Get the hell away from me, cause I'm pissed." kind of thing. Yeah.

    Everything was quiet. Ranma, growing aware of the stares she was getting from everyone, became a little nervous. "Ranma Saotome... That's who I am. You can stop worryin' now."

    An audible sigh of relief escaped the lips of nearly everyone there. "Ranma... are you okay?" The voice was Akane's. A nice Akane's. To Ranma, it sounded like "Do you want to be friends?" Those words had made Ranma feel so good that first day in the Tendo home, when everyone else had rubbed her curse in her face. Akane asked again: "Are you alright Ranma?" The words were beautiful, a song from heaven. How could I have thought of killing her not five minutes ago??? Everything was okay now. Akane cared. She CARED. Ranma would get through this, and then everything would be normal again.

"Um... yeah. I'm fine," Ranma finally responded, a smile forming on her lips. Her aura turned bright blue as a familiar confidence returned to her. "Hear that, ya old perv?" She asked turning towards Happosai's broken body, "I'm fine. Bet ya thought I'd be cryin' and mopin' like a girl or somethin' didn't ya? Well I'm fine and you got two broke legs, so I guess your little plan didn't work, huh?"

    "What plan?" asked Happosai, grimacing through the pain.

    "You know what I'm talkin' bout! You did something to me and I want to know what it is!"

    The old master's eyes widened, then he started crying: "Have pity on an old man, whoever you are!"

    "Oh cut that out, freak. I know you're fakin'. Are ya gonna tell me what you did to me or am I gonna have to break your arms, too?"

"Alright! I'll tell you everything!" There was a short pause as Happosai tried to sit up, crossed his eyes in pain and fell back onto his back.

    Ranma saw the old man's blood again. "Um, wait a minute. You're gonna be okay right? You're not gonna die or nothin' are ya?"

"Phah! Of course not!" Happosai sat up quickly and smiled. Ranma was back... and he could be manipulated.

    "Well then spill the beans already!"

    "Not without just compensation."

    "Oh come on! I just broke your legs!"

    "And now you want me to give you information, Not exactly a fair trade is it, girl?"

"Hey, who ya callin' a girl?"

"You. You've got a feminine aura. Only girls have feminine auras."

"Nani?!" Akane asked out loud, her astonishment making her forget her fear: "You mean Ranma's REALLY a girl?"

    Ranma's ki grew colder... Images of mutilated Akanes started going through her head. They were oddly...soothing...

    Suddenly she snapped out of it. "Oh no you don't! I see what you're doin', tryin' to make me go psycho again, well it won't work. Just tell me what you want and I'll see about givin’ it to you... AFTER you tell me what you did."

    "I want you to show me how you did that Tobu Sennuki move..." Ranma's eyes widened a bit. She was sure the old master would ask for something perverted. "...wearing this" Happosai pulled out a filmy negligee. Ranma sighed and punched Happosai’s head soundly.

    "I’ll show ya tha move but I ain’t gonna wear that. Now spill 'em."

    You break an old man’s heart!” Happosai cried but when Ranma raised her fist again he bowed his head and spoke. “You remember when I split your male and female halves?"

    "Yeah..." That had been scary. She had accepted her curse. She was happy with it even. For a while. Then Happosai split her male and female parts. Unfortunately, it didn't work quite the way it was supposed to, and her female side turned into a spirit of pure evil. The incense had split the good and evil of Ranma along with the male and female. If it hadn't been for the others, Ranma would have become a slave to her evil side. She didn't know before then that that part of her existed. For weeks afterward she had nightmares of looking in the mirror and seeing her female face contorted in an expression of cold wrath. She went back to her old sensitivity, not letting anyone even suggest that she was a girl, even when it was an honest mistake. She had gotten better since then. She had to. With her mother coming every weekend she would have gone insane if she hadn't adapted to being called a girl. She never forgot, though. "...yeah, I remember."

    Happosai remembered too. It would have been perfect, had it worked. "This time, I was determined to get it right..."

~~~~~*~~~~~

    "So let me get this straight," Ranma had heard Happosai's story and wasn't impressed, "You thought that if you burned another incense before you burned the personality splitter you'd do better, but you didn't know how this OTHER incense would work. So you made it up, brought it to my room, and burned it."

    The others had brought the rest of their breakfasts outside and were now sipping tea and listening, not having missed anything.

    "Right, I burned anti-nightmare incense. I thought the Yin Yang Thank You Ma'am Personality Splitter might've been affected by your nightmares.
    Happosai was smug.

    "You didn't even use the actual Personality Splitter?"

"Nope. Just the anti-nightmare incense. It didn't work so I didn't do anything else."

    "It didn't even work???"

    "Nope, your dreams were as scary as ever." Which doesn't make sense. He should have had complete control over what he was dreaming...

    "But... that doesn't explain anything!!!"

    "That's all that I did to you." Last night anyway Happosai added mentally.

    Ranma was...incensed. "Why do I have a feminine aura right now? Why did I change without water?"

    "You can change without water?"

    "Yeah, well sort of," Ranma said, confused. She was sure that it was Happosai who caused the trigger of her curse to change.

    "Why are you still female?"

"Because I'm generating feminine ki, jackass!" Ranma's eyes widened. She hadn't made that connection before, but when she said it, it sounded right. "I mean, I think that's why. Maybe. You didn't know I changed without water?"

."No, you were female when I first saw you... but I'm not surprised. It was ...only a matter of time, girl."

    "Hey stop callin' me a girl already!...What do you mean 'it was only a matter of time?'"

    "I am bound by honor to say no more."

"Honor? Ha! You call feelin' up girls honorable?"

    Happosai looked thoughtful for a moment. Finally he said, "Forget our old deal, I don't care about corkscrews anyway. I'll offer a new deal. Agree to be my student for just five minutes, wherein you will call me sensei and treat me with respect, and I'll tell you something you'll need to know."

    Ranma considered. Five minutes... what could it hurt? Even if he is a perverted bastard... I've got to know what he's talking about "Alright...sensei. You're on."

    "Excellent. Now, put this on." Happosai grinned widely as he produced the negligee again.

    "Oh come on!"

"Respect!"

    Ranma kicked herself mentally for not seeing this coming. "Yes sensei," She said with a grimace. She took the garment and started to pull it over her head.

    "Remove your other clothes first!"

Damn! "You know, in America they call this sexual harassment."

"Respect!"

    "Just lettin' ya know...sensei." Ranma looked around, remembering that things weren't exactly private. She caught Nabiki innocently setting up her camera whistling a tuneless ditty. Akane was smiling evilly. Soun and Genma were arranging themselves in various poses of grief and dismay. They had all been enthralled by Ranma and Happosai's conversation. "Could you all...um go away or turn around or somethin'?"

    Genma and Soun ran inside. Akane took a moment to say something along the lines of "Hmmph, look who's got feminine modesty all of a sudden," under her breath before following. Nabiki kept whistling as she adjusted the focus on the camera lens.

"You too, Nabiki."

    "Huh? Come on, Ranma, its not like there's anything I haven't seen before."

    "Just go will ya?"

"1000 yen." Nabiki replied.

    Ranma had an idea: "Fine. Stay." She used the chestnut fist to get out of her clothes and into the negligee. All that anyone watching could see was a blur. Then she paused just long enough for Happosai to see that she was indeed wearing the garment. Then she blurred back into her Chinese outfit, whereupon Nabiki's camera clicked.

"Hey no fair!" Nabiki and Happosai shouted almost in tandem.

    "You didn't say for how long, sensei." Ranma said with a smile. Ranma could always think on her feet. The soul of ice just helped her focus. Ranma's smile dimmed. It also evidently turned her into a psychopath.

    "Put on the garment again. This is to be your uniform throughout the rest of my time as your sensei."

Damn. Oh well, I've worn worse. "Yes, sensei." She blurred back into the negligee.

"Whoa mama!" Exclaimed Happosai. Nabiki's camera clicked again. Ranma sighed.

    "She looks very pretty, wouldn't you say, Nabiki?"

    "Just what are you suggesting?" Nabiki demanded of the old midget. She wanted it clear that she was an indifferent photographer, not a lesbian voyeur.

"Nothing, m'dear. Just, in your professional opinion, would you say that Ranma looks pretty?"

    "Oh... well sure, Ranma's pretty, a knockout even, that's why the photos sell so well."

    Ranma always took a certain pride in that. If you had to be a girl half the time you should at least be a pretty one. She smiled in spite of herself.

    "Thank you, Nabiki, you may ~leave~." Nabiki left with an odd expression on her face. Happosai turned to Ranma "You're feeling very feminine now aren't you?" Happosai's words were said flatly, with a tinge of finality.

    "Yes." Ranma said without thinking.

    "Good. Now, take that feeling, and try to push it all into your right hand."

    Intrigued, Ranma did as the old master asked. She closed her eyes and concentrated, trying to manipulate the odd tingly feeling in her chest. She pushed it to her shoulder, down her arm... It tried to snap back to her chest but she was persistent until finally it was all concentrated in her right hand. Slowly, she opened her eyes. Her hand glowed a soft pink.

    "Well done! Now take my hand." Happosai's hand glowed a pastel blue.

Male ki. "Yes, sensei." She grasped the small wrinkled hand. There was sucking sensation in her palm. Instinctively she pulled her hand away... to discover an apple resting in Happosai's.

    "Thank you, my dear." Happosai nonchalantly took a bite out of the fruit. He chewed and swallowed while Ranma stared dumbfounded. "All things," he said holding the apple as a model to his student, "exist in the boundary between opposites: Light and Dark, Good and Evil, Yin and Yang, Male... and Female. There is no perfect light, nor a perfect dark. No absolute good or evil. The same goes for all the others. A coin cannot have only one side. Until you have both sides you have an idea, an imaginary thing, a potentiality. An apple is formed naturally from the male stamen of its flower pollinating its feminine pistol. I provided a completely male apple, and you supplied the feminine ki needed to make it whole... It's quite tasty if I do say so myself." The old man took another bite, smiling.

    "I...I don't understand. How can an apple be male or female?"

    Happosai swallowed. "How can a coin be heads or tails? It doesn't matter, except to show that the apple can only exist when both the masculine and the feminine are present. That is what you must know: that your femininity as well as you masculinity is not only a part of you, but an essential... and very powerful part."

    "I guess that why you glomp me all the time huh?"

Happosai's eyes thinned as he took another bite of the apple. Just when you think the kid's a brainless twit... He took his time chewing as he thought of how to answer. He let the sweet juicy pulp slide down his throat, infusing his body with the excess healing feminine energies from Ranma's ki. "Do you know why I tend to leave Nabiki and Kasumi alone?" he asked Ranma finally.

    "No, I don't. I wondered about that a couple times, you know, when I wasn't busy kickin' your ass...er...sensei."

    Happosai let Ranma's boast pass. "I'm going to tell you this, because I might be required to, but before I do you must swear on your honor you will tell nobody and I mean NOBODY about it. Do you swear?"

    Ranma was learning to hate making promises. Promises always had a tendency to bite you in the ass when you weren't looking. For instance: the promise not to reveal Ryoga's curse. Result: Akane thinking Ranma was even more of a pervert than before. And though Ranma had little to do with it there was always that damned promise to commit seppuku that loomed over her head every time her mother visited. This made Ranma consider very seriously not swearing as Happosai wanted, but... she was more than a little curious. Still, she would be careful: "I, Saotome Rank- RANMA... swear on my honor that I won't WILLINGLY blab about what you are about say to anyone... UNLESS keepin' the secret could hurt someone."

    "I suppose that will do" I'll probably see more of this annoying carefulness in the future, between his mother, Nabiki, and the Amazons... "I don't bother Nabiki and Kasumi because they don't have enough masculine ki."

    "You mean fem-"

    "I mean masculine ki."

    "Girls have masculine auras? I thought you said..."

    "Auras are masculine or feminine depending on which type of ki is more dominant, but no one's ki is completely masculine or feminine. Nabiki and Kasumi don't have enough masculine ki to discharge the feminine ki. They won't fight back. Nabiki might actually have a lot of ki, being a former martial artist and all, but she simply looks disgusted or... amused and goes about her business if I glomp her."

"And Kasumi?" Ranma couldn't imagine someone glomping Kasumi, but wasn't she a former martial artist too? And wasn't Happosai a perverted bastard?

    "I am honor bound not to answer that question."

    "There you go again. Look, I'm still confused. Why do you bother Akane and me so much? There are plenty of other violent girls out there. What about Shampoo?"

    "It has to do with how the ki is released. Feminine ki is very cohesive. I can absorb all I want but if it isn't cut off from the rest of the feminine ki by will or a spurt of masculine energy, I can't pull it away from the body. On the other hand, if I get attacked right away, I don't have enough time to collect enough feminine ki. Shampoo has a lot of ki, but she won't let me get near her usually. You may easily beat Shampoo in most martial arts, but when it comes to avoiding a glomp, she has you completely outclassed. And before you ask, Ukyo is far too masculine unless you're around, and Kodachi's ki is tainted with madness. Not that I wouldn't glomp them if the opportunity presented itself, but why would I if I've got you or Akane? Of course there are other ways of getting feminine ki. Panty raids for instance. I could also just infuse a completely masculine apple with feminine ki from a willing assistant, but that gives me a massive amount of ki and I only do that if I need to heal myself or something." Happosai bit out of the apple and chewed for a bit. "Besides," he continued, "the other ways are more fun."

He was manipulating me all along! Ranma was starting to get angry "But why do you even need feminine ki? Don't you have some of your own?"

    "As the body grows older, ki levels drop. It is ki that keeps the body from degradation, and it is most effective when all of its energies are balanced. There are different ways of balancing ki energies. Some people use their work as a way of burning off the excess ki. Others find a mate that compliments their imbalances with equal and opposite imbalances. People who have near perfect equilibrium, usually priests and nuns and such but not always, live longer, but eventually their ki levels drop too low and the stress on their bodies causes them to die. I was always severely deficient in female ki, and if I didn't pursue my passion, I would have died long ago. Since I learned to absorb feminine ki I have managed to live a normal lifespan, and since absorbing all that ki gave me so much excess energy, I have lived longer than any human on record. Now, however, I need feminine ki to survive. I'm just lucky that I had learned the Amazon method of hibernation by the time your father and Soun had tricked me into that cave."

    "Yeah... lucky... Still, surely there are other girls that respond the way you need them to."

    "Well, I don't want to abandon the inheritors of the School of Anything Goes, but the main reason is that you and Akane have the highest ki levels of anyone I've ever met in my long life."

    "Me... AND Akane?"

    "Yes she actually has slightly more ki than you but is just a little too masculine for my taste."

    "Wait, no you're turning it around right? I have more ki but I'm more masculine..."

    "Well then why would I have 'bothered' you so much more? Akane's always been female and she's used to people groping her so she gets angry and fights back right away. You, girl, never got used to being female and so when I fondled you there were always a few more precious seconds of feeling violated before you punted me, completing the ki transaction. You keep your femininity so locked up, it's like opening the floodgates whenever I glomp you. Then your masculine ki practically slams it all into me... exquisite." Happosai finished the apple and tossed it into the brush by the koi pond.

    "You're a monster...sensei."

    "You don't need to call me that anymore, the five minutes are up." And with that Happosai leapt onto his perfectly healed legs and started bouncing to the house

    Ranma gaped for a few seconds. Then she recovered, "Hey wait! How do I do the apple thing? How's what you said s'posed to help me?"

    "I'm not you're sensei anymore. I don't train girls." Happosai called back

    Ranma ran catching up to the master. "Hey, I ain't a girl!"

    "....." Happosai replied, stopping in the doorway of the house.

    "And even if I were..., what about Hinakosensei? You trained her didn't you?"

    Happosai stopped for a moment in the doorway his back still toward Ranma: "That... was a mistake. I thought she was too young for it to matter." Good, now he'll try to contact Hinako and when he finds out she doesn't know anything he'll practically beg me to train him. This is going to work... just as long as Cologne doesn't get her hands on him. I'll have to be careful though. The bitch broke my legs! Just like a woman... That whelp really gets me sometimes. But however much I wish it were otherwise it's just too damned dangerous for me not to train him... or should I say "her?" Happosai smiled. One thing's for sure, after this I'm taking a vacation. Maybe to America. This "sexual harassment" sounds interesting...

    "Can't you at least tell me how to change back to a guy without water?" Ranma knew it had to do with feminine and masculine ki now, but she wasn't sure, and she was still generating feminine ki, despite her attempts to stop it.

    "Yes, I could..." Happosai turned toward Ranma and smiled evilly, "But I'm honor bound not to."

    That was it. That was the last straw. Ranma was officially pissed. "Fine then! Be that way! I never wanted be your student to begin with!" Ranma huffed off to her clothes.

    The small old man started walking into the kitchen again, ignoring Ranma.

    "Just when he was makin' himself useful..." Ranma blurred into her Chinese outfit. "He had to start callin' me a girl and being his usual perverted self." She got back to the doorway and walked inside, storming through the dining area where Happosai now sat eating and to the foot of the stairs. "He shows me something really cool then doesn't tell me how to do it. The nerve of that... PERVERT!"

"Akane?" Happosai looked up, then he remembered. "Damn Ijuu," he mumbled and then went back to eating his cold breakfast.

    Ranma reached the top of the steps. "What am I doing up here?" She looked around a bit then stomped her way back down the stairs grumbling "He thinks I'm a girl? Well I'll show him, with his stupid 'honor bound not to tell you anything important' crap." Ranma walked through the dining room again and into the kitchen, oblivious to Happosai and his glare. Ranma started the range and put the teakettle on with a slam. Ranma paused. There was something missing... "Water, it's always water..." she seethed as she took the teakettle off the range filled it unceremoniously with H2O and slammed it back on the range causing water to slosh out and extinguish the range flame. " 'Akane has more ki than you do' he says. 'Akane's more of a man than you are' he says. Well I'll show him. I'm better than that tomboy any day of the week! I'm a much better martial artist, I can cook, heck Akane can't even boil water!, and I don't lose my temper nearly as much! WHY THE HELL ISN'T THIS WATER HEATING UP!!?? Oh." You could say Ranma's subconscious was trying to tell her something. Not that she was in the mood to listen. She re-lit the range, causing a medium-sized explosion. Luckily this was not enough to cause any real damage (the stove was made in Nerima, with martial artists in mind), and after recovering from the shock, she carefully prepared the teakettle and range again and waited impatiently, grumbling about Happosai and feeling the kettle intermittently.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Meanwhile, Nabiki came down the stairs in her school uniform wondering what was going on. Happosai paused between bites and asked, "Nabiki, this food tastes a little different, is Kasumi feeling alright?"

    "Actually she came in late last night and was really exhausted this morning, so Ranma made breakfast instead."

    "Is it true? Ranma made this???"

    "Yep, true as the gleam off your bald head." Nabiki said with a bemused smirk. She was still probing this weakness in Happosai from when he revealed it during the Dragon's whisker fiasco.

    Happosai retaliated by spitting his breakfast all over Nabiki's uniform. "You mean I'm eating something that SHE made?"

    "Don't you mean 'he?'" Nabiki asked idly as she picked the pieces of cold rice and fish off her dress with a look of mild annoyance.

    "No I mean 'she' as in the red-headed whore who broke my legs." Happosai was not happy with Ranma and he had to vent some of his anger.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Finally the water was hot enough. Ranma lifted it up and got ready to pour it on herself. "Now we'll see who's a girl..." with that, she emptied the contents on her head.

    Ranma screamed. A few pieces of glassware cracked and shattered. It was an extremely pathetic "Help! I'm scared and I don't know what's going on!" kind of thing.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    "What was that?" asked Nabiki to no one in particular. Her ears were ringing from the sound.

    "I think Ranma just found out that water doesn't work anymore," Happosai replied smiling.

    "Oh." Nabiki frowned. "When you told me to leave earlier... that was mind control wasn't it?"

    Happosai nodded.

    "Don't suppose you could teach me that, could you?"

    "Yes, but I won't. You're scary enough as it is, my dear."

    Akane ran down the stairs in her uniform. "Ranma where are you?! We're going to be late AGAIN! Hey did anyone hear that scream? It sounded like some girl was in trouble."

    Ranma shuffled out of the kitchen, wet and confused. She wanted to go back to bed. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be allowed not to think. She wanted to be still just for a moment so that she could make sense of the changing patterns around her.

"MOVE Ranma! What are you THINKING, that EVERYONE'S going to wait for you? Baka, if you're so tired you shouldn't have gotten up so early!" Ranma looked at Akane quizzically, the words not quite registering. "Come on, Ranma! School starts in TEN MINUTES!"

    Oh yeah, the fifth circle of Hell. Ranma had forgotten...

~~~~~[END]~~~~~

    End notes:

    It gets weirder.

    Thanks to John C Watson, Necrovore, and Thermopyle, who helped me out immensely during the revision process.

    C+C welcome

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