Ranma and Akane Wake Up
Fit in the second: The Morning After
A Ranma crossover fanfic by Zorknot
DISCLAIMER: Rumiko Takahashi owns Ranma. I'm taking quite a
bit from Douglas Adams's Hithhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'm
taking a little from Love Hina, a little from an obscure children's
story I read ages ago, and far too much from Sailor Moon.
Apologies to all I've offended. Now get over it.
PREVIOUSLY ON RAWU: Ranma and Akane suddenly woke up and
figured out how to solve all their problems. They got married,
ditched all of Ranma's fiancees and celebrated by going to a five
star restaurant with a credit card. Unfortunately the five star
restaurant was Milliways the Restaurant at the End of the
Universe. Hilarity ensues.
(further notes to follow fic)
Thank you for reading, share and enjoy,
~~~~~[START]~~~~~
If you have never been to Earth, consider yourself extremely lucky.
It's not a particularly bad planet; in fact, some parts of it are quite
nice. The problem is that it is populated by a race of absolute
blithering idiots. These idiots are the bipedal, ape-descendents
known to themselves as "humans."
It's estimated that almost half of the habitable worlds in the galaxy
are, in fact, versions of the same blue-green planet with the dull
name. The overwhelming number of Earths and, consequently,
humans, is now widely theorized to be the reason why so many of
the beings that populate the galaxy have two legs, two arms, one
head, and speak in British accents. This new theory has made quite
a lot of people upset, and quite a lot of people have been blamed,
but most point to three races in particular as culprits to this
completely unhoopy predicament.
The first is the humans themselves, for merely existing. There have
been one or two individuals who have suggested deporting the
humans to the Earths they came from or perhaps feeding them all
to the Bugblatter Beast of Traal. However, humans do not take
kindly to deportation attempts and the beings that acted on the
latter suggestion were all eventually fed... to the Bugblatter Beast
of Traal. Most non-human beings continue to do what they have
done in the past, which is stay as far away from humans as possible
and laugh whenever they do something stupid. There are quite a
few, however, which are not as nice.
Vogons are one of these races. While it is true that they aren't
especially nice to any race, they have a special hatred for Humans,
as Vogons are the second race blamed for the plethora of Earths. In
particular one Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. He had sought to destroy the
Earth in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass, but Earths
kept reappearing in various locations in space-time for each one
that was destroyed. So by the time Prostetnic had managed to
destroy the nine or so Earths that were blocking the way of the
bypass, thirty-three more were created which blocked other
bypasses The problem had caused a resurgence of the Vogon
version of science (which consisted of kidnapping groups of highly
intelligent beings and ripping off body parts periodically until they
figured out something) and consequently made their poetry the
second worst in the galaxy, beating out the Azgoths by their in-
depth descriptions of the anatomies of their audiences. It was
Prostetnic's daughter, Shabon Vogon Spray, who finally found out
what was going on. Shabon was a particularly enthusiastic poet
and she had managed to incapacitate a good number of a certain
race of hyper-intelligent Pan-dimensional beings, until finally, they
revealed what they knew.
These beings, the Mice, are, of course, the third race blamed for
Earth. After the first Earth was destroyed five minutes before it
could come up with the question of Life the Universe and
Everything, to which the answer is 42, they had decided to make a
second. Being hyper-intelligent and pan-dimensional beings, they
decided that this time they wouldn't just give Earth a mere four
dimensions, this time they would give Earth all of them. Just as the
small furry creatures with whiskers, large teeth and cheese
fixations are the protrusion into our four dimensions of space-time
of a race of humanoid pan-dimensional beings, so the Earths are
merely the four dimensional analogs of a single pan-dimensional
Earth. Each time a four-dimensional analog is destroyed the Earth
warps, allowing more versions of it to appear in space-time, and
thus we have the proliferation of Earths in the Galaxy.
The sale of pan-dimensional mousetraps has gone up considerably
in the years since this was discovered. Of course these don't work
at all, but they serve to send a message.
As the vastness of space makes all-out war a tricky business at
best, the end result of all this knowledge is an increased level of
antagonism in general, an increased awareness in the existence of
other dimensions, and an increase in towels, which have served to
balance the other two out.
Truly, if it weren't for towels, things would be pretty nasty indeed.
By a staggering coincidence one of the Earths that appeared as a
result of Prostetnic's shenanigans was in fact better known as the
legendary planet Mmagrathea ("Gamma Earth" if you take the
trouble to unscramble the letters). Magrathea, spelled with only
one 'm' by non-pedants, was in the business of large-scale custom
planet building and is the birthplace of both the original Earth and
the second. Which means that the Earth, in effect, created itself.
This is, of course, impossible.
What this also means is that the popular restaurant Milliways,
located for all time on Magrathea, can exist and thrive due to the
tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum caused by the time
paradox. Using this tear it can exist at any place and any time it
sees fit allowing its patrons to witness the very end of the universe
as they dine.
This is, of course, impossible.
Finally, what this means is that Earthlings, particularly those
sensitive to psychic phenomena, often come across Milliways,
mistake it for a normal restaurant and enter. Consequently they are
often neither seen nor heard from again. And so it is that Ranma, a
seventeen-year-old male martial artist who has defeated a god and
turns into a girl when splashed with cold water, and his wife, a
seventeen-year-old female martial artist who can call large mallets
into existence at will and has been turned into a small doll and
back again at least twice, are now sitting at a table in Milliways
having an argument over a glass of Nannichuan and non-yak
urinated apple juice with a space cow on whether or not they
should eat it.
This is, of course, impossible.
"It's quite simple," the space cow tried to explain, "Everyone was
tired of the controversy of whether on not it was morally right to
slaughter innocent creatures against their will. So they created me.
I'm animal that WANTS to be eaten!" The creature stuffed a wad
of lettuce into its mouth, gulped it down and smiled.
"But...but..." protested Akane, "you're smarter than an
animal...you can talk!"
"Well of course I can talk!" the creature chortled through his
lettuce, "How else could I let people know that it was okay to eat
me?"
"It just ain't right!" Ranma declared, "Having somethin' come up
ta ya and TELL ya ta eat it? That's just sick..."
The gluttonous space cow gave Ranma a baleful look through the
folds of fat on his face. "You would rather kill a creature that
DIDN'T want to be eaten?"
"That ain't the point!" Ranma argued.
The space cow grunted.
"Okay...maybe it IS the point. I don't care." Ranma crossed his
arms and contemplated his apple juice. He was wondering idly
through the confusion if there was some way to be sure that there
was in fact no urine in the beverage.
Akane gave her own "drink" a cursory glance before asking,
"Honestly, don't you want to keep living to experience all life has
to offer?"
The creature snorted "Madam, I've had a good life, better than
yours I imagine. Do you know why I bother to wake up every
morning? I think to myself, one of these days, some one is going to
eat me, and when they do I want them to say 'My what a good
tasting meat!' and not be concerned that they consumed something
that hadn't died of its own free will." The animal let out a
somewhat frustrated noise that sounded like a cow doing a sheep
impersonation. " I have learned to speak, listened to classical
music, got a degree in Xenobiology and Xenopsychology, invented
a new kind of plum sauce...all to make sure that I was that much
more palatable to the beings that would eat me. And now you
would deny me the pleasure of knowing that my life's work has
not been in vain?"
Akane tilted her head in revelation. "You really want to be eaten
don't you?"
The space cow nodded as he stuffed some more vegetables in his
face.
Ranma put his glass up to his nose and sniffed. His eyebrows
furrowed as he tried to detect the urine that might or might not be
there. He set the glass down and looked at the Nannichuan water in
front of Akane. "Are you going to drink that?" He was wondering
what it would do if someone drank it. Did it matter?
"Perhaps sir or madam would like to order now?" the elderly
waiter prodded. He had been standing patiently at Ranma and
Akane's table all this time and was beginning to understand why
that metal gentleman who worked in the car park was so depressed.
"I'll just have a salad thanks," Ranma replied.
"I know quite a few vegetables that would object to your choice
sir," the dish of the day admonished.
"Oh yeah, well how come you're eatin them then?" Ranma
countered.
"I assure you I eat only the most fatalistic and suicidal vegetables,
Sir. Besides I hate the bastards. Don't have any class- whining
about having too little sunlight, not enough water, fluctuating
gravity levels... They just wait around for other people to do things
to them. They never fully enjoy what life has to offer or try
something different." The space cow put a pudgy hand/hoof on
Ranma's shoulder: "They probably wouldn't be interested in a
luscious, juicy, steak dinner in the least."
"Hey wait a minute!" Ranma got up off his chair, "Watch what yer
sayin or I'll..."
"Kill me? Or perhaps you'd like to tenderize me a little?" The
space cow grunted, "That's all been taken care already, Sir.
Perhaps you'd enjoy a nice rump roast, I've been feeding myself
lots of grain, that area should be tender and juicy by now..."
Akane looked up at the tired-looking waiter and handed him her
menu: "We'll have two steak dinners, please."
"Very good, Madam," the waiter nodded respectfully to Akane as
he took her menu.
"Akane!" Ranma's head whipped to his wife.
"What? I'm hungry." Akane giggled, "If we don't eat soon you'll
start to look good."
Ranma sat back down. "That...ain't funny."
"Sir?" The waiter was waiting for Ranma to give him the menu.
"Yeah sure. What she said." Ranma handed his menu to the waiter,
a blank expression on his face.
"Thank you both so very much for allowing me to be your meal.
Do you plan on eating any brains this evening?
"NO!" Akane and Ranma yelled.
"Good. I won't have to worry about shooting me self in the head
then. I'm told laser pulse bursts can ruin an otherwise delectable
dish." And with that, the waiter wheeled the space cow off.
For a while both Akane and Ranma were silent. Every now and
then one of them would fondle their glass. Ranma occasionally
stared at the knife on the side of his plate. Finally Akane broke the
silence with a percussive nervous laugh. "Honestly, Ranma you
said yourself we're not in Nerima anymore. Well wherever we are,
apparently the food talks to you."
Ranma pointed to Akane's glass. "You decided what ta do about
that yet?"
Akane's eyes stayed on Ranma for a while then drifted down to the
glass in front of her. "I think..." Her eye flicked back to Ranma, "I
think I'm going to pour it on my head. It's just..." She looked off to
the side...at a fat, pink, tentacled alien in a Hawaiian shirt swaying
rhythmically to the music of the blue-skinned brass band... "I don't
know if now is a good time or not."
"Yeah, I know what ya mean..." Ranma brushed a piece of lettuce
off his shoulder. "Hey! I just remembered! When you turn into a
guy, you're gonna get bigger'n stuff. It ain't gonna be to
comfortable in that school uniform."
"That's right! But what can I do? I didn't bring a change of
clothes, you know."
Ranma looked at his apple juice. He shrugged. Then he picked it
up and splashed it in his face.
"Ranma! What are you doing?"
Ranma wiped her face with the dinner napkin and got up. She
walked behind Akane and placed a thin graceful hand on her side,
just above the waist. Akane felt Ranma's hand glide all the way
down her uniform past her waist, down her thigh, stopping at her
knee. Ranma could see the hairs on the back of Akane's neck rise
in goose pimples. Ranma smiled. "That's a nice dress, can I talk
you out of it?"
Milliways is a restaurant that serves (or to be perfectly accurate,
served, serves and will serve) all manner of being. Many of these
beings are leaders of super powerful star systems harboring great
flotillas of warships and big, nasty weapons. It is thus integral, not
only to the future (or rather, the proliferation in the future) of
Milliways but the very Universe itself that the bathrooms are
accommodating to all forms of life. Even stupid ones.
It is for this reason that the sign indicating the location of the
restrooms consists of a fairly realistic picture of a steaming pile of
dung. The area around the sign, in case a being does not have eyes,
is fragrant with the smells of every known type of excrement. For
those beings of a tactile persuasion the doors to each restroom have
knobs that mimic the precise consistency and temperature of the
feces to be found therein. If a being were to be of a mind to lick the
door... that being would no doubt regret it. Smaller signs with
sensory stimuli attuned to the brainwave patterns of beings in need
of relief are placed along the walls to lead these beings to the
correct area. All of this is done to make absolutely certain that it
is as easy as possible for any being to find the appropriate
restroom...at the appropriate time.
"So where is the bathroom?" Akane asked.
Ranma pointed to a doorway with a considerable amount of space
around it. "I think that's it."
"Hmm? What makes you say that?"
"Uh, well...the sign kinda gave me a clue..." It hovered above the
area in steaming, holographic realism.
"Oh I didn't even see that!"
"Jeez, Akane. Ya gotta be more obstinate."
"What?"
"Ya gotta be more obstinate." Akane gave Ranma a confused look.
Ranma rephrased, "Ya gotta pay attention to things."
"Oh! You mean observant."
"Uh, yeah. Whatever." Ranma kissed Akane on the cheek. "Let's
go. Bring your man juice."
Akane nodded and got to her feet with the Nannichuan. Together
she and Ranma went onward, through the tables of dangerously
jovial creatures, to the doors underneath the gigantic, glowing,
revolving, and steaming pile of shit.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Meanwhile, back in Nerima, a two days had passed, and Nabiki
was beginning to worry.
"I'm beginning to worry." She told Kasumi.
"Why's that, Nabiki-chan?" Kasumi asked.
"Well that whole business with Ranma and Akane...It all happened
rather fast didn't it?"
"What makes you say that?" Kasumi was rifling through her closet
as Nabiki sat on her bed. She was even more distracted than
usual...which was saying something.
"A month ago, none of the stuff Ranma tried would have worked. I
mean, every plan of his is lame brained to the extreme, but I
suppose one of them would have had to work simply out of
probability...but... all of them in one day" Nabiki picked up a book
that was sitting on Kasumi's nightstand. Synaptic Self: How Our
Brains Become Who We Are was the title. Nabiki looked at it a
moment and then put it back down. "The Kodachi plan sure...I had
a part in that, but why did that nonsense with Kuno work? The
guy's an idiot with an obsession. They should never have been able
to stop him!"
Kasumi pulled out a dress and smiled. "I'm happy for them."
"Well, sure. I am too...Ranma is so fun to tease, but he's okay.
He's good for Akane...but that's just it!"
Kasumi undid her robe and put a blouse on over her bra, "What's
just it, Nabiki-chan?" she asked as she was about to put on the
skirt.
"They should be at each others throats! They should be tearing the
walls down! They should be giving each other hell! And instead,
before they left, they were kissing...and hugging...and laughing for
no reason."
Kasumi finished dressing and started brushing her hair. "I don't
see what the problem is yet."
"Kasumi, the last I saw them they were going to a five star
restaurant...with a credit card. I can't remember why I gave them
that credit card, but I did. It's been two days and they haven't
come back yet."
Kasumi tied her hair and a bow, sat down at her vanity and started
putting on her make up. "Oh you're just worried about them!" She
said with a patented Kasumi smile.
"Maybe...But that makes me even more worried...about this other
thing." Nabiki watched for a while as Kasumi carefully applied
blush and eyeliner. Suddenly Nabiki realized that this was a little
odd. "Kasumi? Are you going out?"
Kasumi took a moment to put the finishing touches on her make up
and then stood up turning toward Nabiki. "Yes! How do I look?"
She put her hands up to show herself. The dress was much more
conservative than the current fashions but it was still striking. And
of course there was Kasumi's smile.
"You look...good, 'neechan. Great even. Who's the lucky guy?"
"Why Tofu! He's back from his sabbatical in Okinawa and he
wanted to see me!"
"Wow...that's great...great."
"Is something wrong?"
"Hmm? Oh no. Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all..." Now Nabiki
was the distracted one.
Kasumi stood for a moment, waiting for Nabiki to say something
else. When she didn't, Kasumi look of concern turned once more
to a happy smile, "Well I'd better get going- Ono-kun will be here
any minute." Kasumi opened the door to leave her room then she
turned back toward Nabiki "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
"Yes..." Kasumi started to leave, "it's just..."
Kasumi stopped, "Yes?"
"It's just everything today, and even the past few weeks just seems
so..."
There's a sound from downstairs. "Oh! That's Ono-kun! I have to
go, Nabiki. You'll tell me about it later won't you?" Kasumi leaves
and closes the door behind her.
Staring at the closed door, Nabiki heard Kasumi and Tofu
exchange nervous pleasantries with each other, and then leave.
There was no evidence of madness from the good doctor. After a
few moments of silence Nabiki laid on her sister's bed and stared
at the ceiling. "It's just...everything seems so damned...WAFFY."
~~~~~*~~~~~
"Aw Akane! What'dya do THAT for!"
"Baka! I couldn't help it! The smell..."
"Yeah, I know but did'ya have to puke all over ME?"
"It didn't get all over you it just got on your shoe," Akane pointed
out. As she spoke, several cat-sized robots were busy vacuuming
up the vomit. They seemed to be whistling an odd variation of the
Star Spangled Banner. "You're SURE this is the restroom?" Akane
asked for the third time.
The robots were giving Ranma bad vibes. She didn't want to stay
out here any longer than she had to; so she held her breath and
grabbed the doorknob. There was an audible squish. "Yeah,
Akane..." she said as she let the air out of her mouth. "I'm sure this
is the bathroom." After a moment of deliberation, Ranma turned
the knob, which passed gas loudly in protest, and opened the door.
When going to a bathroom on an unfamiliar planet, spaceship, or
five star restaurant, cleanliness is usually, but not always, the chief
concern. For instance on the planet Regfue the bathrooms are
absolutely crawling with dirt, slime and scum from beings coming
from all parts of the universe. Regfue is the home of the filthiest
bathrooms in the galaxy. Which isn't surprising, as the planet is
also well known for it's Feng Shui Defragmentation Beans with
Five Flavor Cheese sauce, so named because eating them is like
having your entire digestive tract explode, and then having it put
back together by a team of eclectic home decorators. However, due
to the use of holographic projectors, scent negation machines, and
hypnotic sound producers, the bathrooms appear to most to be
sparkly clean, winter fresh, and almost absurdly comfortable. The
fact that many leave the lavatory with several debilitating diseases
is unimportant for those seeking a truly enjoyable defecation.
Many beings have died in Regfue bathrooms, but they died happy,
and no one else even notices they're there.
Conversely, the bathrooms at Milliways are impeccably clean and
have no need of any such gadgets. This is because no one ever
goes to them.
"Wow!" Ranma said after closing the door and wiping his hand on
his pants, "Check out this bathroom!"
"I know! It looks bigger than the house!"
"I never seen a cha- sandr- one of those big light thingies in a
bathroom before!"
"It's a chandelier, Ranma."
"Yeah, whatever." Ranma looked around the large, well-lit room
for a bit. It was not so much a room as a long hallway. All along
the left and right walls there were large multicolored trees with low
hanging leaves. Closer to the entrance there were two large
fountains with eight shell-like basins aranged in a radial pattern
around their bases. On the wall to either side of the entrance there
were mirrors, only the image wasn't reversed and when Ranma
saw herself move, she had the eerie sensation that she was
watching someone else. Looking at the trees again, Ranma noticed
there were also strange brown sculptures next to each one. They
appeared to be of a man with two heads and three arms. Ranma
shook her head and turned to her wife "So...where are we goin ta
do this?"
"I don't know, I don't see any stalls, do you?"
"Nope. And I hope we find some, cause I got a few calls o' nature
comin in here and I'm thinkin it might be somethin important."
"Oh, well I told you this wasn't a bathroom...can you hold it?"
"Yeah...for now, anyway. I don't see any people here...let's just go
change over by that tree."
"The one with the green trunk and purple leaves?"
"Nah, I was thinking more like the one with the red trunk and
black leaves," Ranma said, and she and Akane walked over to the
big tree with its strings of black leaves like garlands hanging from
the branches. "Well," Ranma said with a smirk, "you wanna strip
first? Or should I?"
Akane smiled. "Let's do it together." She put her glass of
Nannichuan down on the white and black checkerboard tile and
started to undress. Ranma followed suit. Soon they were helping
each other needlessly with their garments, caressing each other,
fondling sensitive areas of their anatomies, and generally having a
good time. The light shining through the black undulating leaves of
the "tree" made for an extremely romantic atmosphere and if
anyone had bothered to tape Ranma and Akane in action, that
being would be able to make a fortune in the lesbian space porn
market. Except they would have had to have cut out the ending.
Because when both of them were naked...
Ranma separated from Akane after they had both managed to take
each others underpants off at the same time while keeping their
lips locked in a kiss. She stood in front of Akane with a nostalgic
look in her eye."This brings back memories, don't it?" Ranma
laughed. A black tendril of leaves stirred behind her.
"Yes it sure does." Akane giggled.
Ranma put her hands in a mock warding gesture as several strings
of leaves twitched suspiciously toward her. "Ya ain't gonna slap
me or nothin are ya?"
"Not unless you want me..." Akane began.
"URK!" Ranma shouted as black leaves attached themselves to
Ranma's private parts with a disturbing sucking noise.
"...to." Akane finished, her eyes wide...but not as wide as Ranma's.
Ranma's eyes were straight out of Stephen King. If she started to
move things with her mind it wouldn't have been that surprising.
Instead she started pulling at the leaves and yelling something
along the lines of "AAAAAAAH WHAA? GET OFFA ME!
HOW DO YA GET THIS THING TA STOP!
AAAARRRRRGGHH!" The last bit was more of high-pitched
scream than a yell, but then almost anyone in Ranma's unique
position would do the same.
This brings up an interesting question. Are we merely the product
of our environments? Granted memory and genetics are a factor
but if anyone with the same memories and genetics were to be in
the same situation would they not, in effect, be in the same
environment? Is it merely the amount of similarity of the total
environment that determines the similarity of the response?
Grunthos the Flatulent addresses this issue in his ten book series
entitled Zen and the Art of Going to the Lavatory. "Every being
eats," he writes, "Every being excretes. How many ways can this
be done? Count the different kinds of bellybutton lint. You'll have
the same answer. In the lavatory, we're all many, and we're all
one."
These were the last words written by Grunthos before his lower
intestine became sentient and throttled his brain. Most would no
doubt agree with the lower intestine's assessment of Grunthos'
talent, but he would perhaps be pleased to know that a mere thirty
seconds after Ranma started yelling, thrashing about and
screaming...Akane did exactly the same thing.
After all the commotion, Ranma and Akane took a moment to
collect themselves. They were both sitting sprawled on the cold
checkerboard floor feeling mistreated, violated, and somehow
strangely refreshed.
Ranma was the first to get up. She ran toward the fountains and
when she approached the one that said "oyu" in Hiragana, water
streamed out of it. She cupped the water in her hands and splashed
it on her face.
Akane stared at her naked spouse.
Ranma felt Akane's eyes. "What is it Akane?"
"Its...your curse..."
Ranma starting to get worried, looked straight into Akane's eyes,
afraid to look down. "W-what about my curse?"
"I never saw it this up close and...personal before."
Ranma checked himself quickly and almost fell over in relief. He
was male,"Jeez Akane! You had me worried for a second there!"
Akane stood up "Honestly, Ranma, you really can't tell what sex
you are?"
"Why is that so hard for you ta understand?" Ranma shakes his
head, "No, I can't. It's weird... it's like it's completely normal, like
nothing's changed...and then I realize Hey! I've got breasts! Hey!
I'm shorter for some reason! Hey! My voice is higher! It's so
damned normal...sometimes it pisses me off." Ranma gave the
"tree" a nasty look, "Like now."
"The Nannichuan is still over there by the...tree... You could splash
it on yourself, you'd be cured..."
"Yeah, that's funny ain't it?" Ranma sat down on the floor,
looking at the glass standing stoically admidst the rumpled mounds
of clothing. "After all this time...I could almost do it now...But I
ain't gonna."
"Why not?"Akane asked as she sat down next to him.
"The truth?" Ranma looked into Akane's eyes as if hoping she'd
say she'd rather hear a lie. When no such response came from her
he sighed, and continued. "The truth is I'm scared. There are things
that I did as girl, memories I got, lessons I learned...If I get myself
cured now...I'm afraid all o' that'll just slip away, and it'll be like
none of it ever happened."
"Ranma, that's silly!" But the hand that caressed Ranma's cheek
said that somehow, she understood.
Ranma's own hand fell onto Akane's and he gently pulled it off his
face."I know, Akane, but that's the way it is. I don't wanna get
cured anymore." Ranma held Akane's hand now between both of
his, and, like a priest at a benediction he kissed the tip of Akanes
hand and then released her. "I think someone would have ta force
me." Ranma said staring into his reflection in the glossy floor.
"They'd have to hold me down, keep me from movin. That's the
only way I'd take that Nannichuan now...Unless..."
"Unless?"
Ranma's eyes locked onto Akane's "Unless you asked me to."
Akane embraced Ranma tightly, her head on his shoulder. "What
did I do, Ranma? What did I do to deserve you?" She was crying.
Ranma put his arms around her "You were yourself. You were
Akane."
They separated for a brief moment, their eyes looking into each
other, then they rejoined in a long, passionate kiss.
They then proceeded in having wild, sloppy, unprotected sex on
the bathroom floor.
"Ranma?" Akane said after they were done.
"Yeah?"
"We were both just manhandled by a tree a little while ago,
weren't we?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well...I mean it was essentially rape..."
"Whoa..." Ranma sat up "Look Akane, that wasn't rape okay? It
was probably just how the toilets work around here."
"But it was against our will..."
"Hey we were standin under the thing...we were askin for it."
"No, Ranma. It wasn't our fault. You have to believe that it wasn't
our fault!" Akane was sitting up now.
"Akane, of COURSE it was our fault! The thing's probably on
some kinda mecha whatsit that can tell when somethin that's naked
and wants ta take a crap or a piss or whatever is there and just
sucks it out of them. If we just let it do its thing we'd a probably
been fine."
"Ranma, do you realize what you're saying? 'If we just let it do its
thing?' Ranma that...thing violated us!"
"But Akane! Its SUPPOSED ta do that! It can't help itself! It can't
read minds or nothin! It can't say 'ooh I guess I'll stay away from
this one, she looks like she'd like to carry her shit around with her
a little longer.'"
"Is that supposed to make it okay? Oh sure...It's in its nature, 'it
can't help it'...sounds like an excuse to me." Akane got to her feet
her fists were clenched. "Doesn't it make you angry? That
PARASITE took something from us and we'll never get it back..."
"What, Akane? What did it take? Our feces? Really, Akane, you're
makin more out of this than it is."
"No I'm NOT! It RAPED us Ranma, pure and simple."
"I'm tellin ya Akane it wasn't rape!" Ranma stood up himself.
"Oh and why not?"
"Cause I'm Ranma Saotome and Ranma Saotome don't get
raped!" Ranma smiled after saying this. It was supposed to make
Akane laugh and make her forget the whole uncomfortable
business. It didn't work.
Akane's mallet materialized in her hand, "RANMA NO..." She
stopped the mallet just at the top of its arc. She looked at Ranma
with anger and frustration. Then she stomped off toward the tree
and the glass of Nannichuan.
"Where are you goin?"
"You changed into a guy after it happened. I know why. It's my
turn now." Akane got to the glass and gripped it tightly barely
managing not to spill half of it on the floor.
"Akane you ain't thinkin! If ya do somethin like this when you're
all upset you're gonna wonder about it the rest of your life!"
"I don't care. I'm really angry about this. I'm going to become a
man. That will fix it."
"But Akane! That's stupid!"
"Yes, dear, it is." And Akane poured the water over her head.
When the change was over Akane was a good two inches taller
than Ranma. The jaw was more squared, the face longer, but the
most striking change to the face was the eyebrows. Instead of thin
lines above the eyes they were now deep, jet-black marks and they
were furrowed in anger. The haircut, which looked cute on a girl,
looked a little weird now, but was an acceptable style for a boy.
The neck was a powerful thing, its tendons clearly visible as
Akane's jaw was clenched tight. The muscles in Akane's arms,
tightened on the glass and on the mallet still in the right hand, were
no longer strangely out of place bulges in lily white skin... now
they were impressively veined things of power. In short, Akane
looked like a minor deity...and Ranma couldn't help but feel just a
tiny bit inadequate.
"N...n...now then," Akane said. The voice was a high baritone,
lower than Ranma's but a good bit higher than Genma's resonant
boom. "That didn't make things better at all."
Ranma didn't say anything. His mind was busy catching up on
current events.
"My voice...sounds weird...I'm taller...but you're right...I hardly
noticed it...And it doesn't change anything. Time to try something
else..." Akane gripped his mallet.
"You're goin ta beat the tree...with your mallet?"
"No, silly," Akane said, and the mallet disappeared. In its place
was a giant axe.
"Hey! I didn't know you could do that!" Ranma exclaimed.
"Neither did I," said Akane as she advanced toward the tree. She
wasn't one to look a gift axe in the blade.
At that moment Ranma took a mental snap shot of Akane. Akane
wielding a giant axe in an incredibly dramatic battle stance in the
middle of an alien bathroom about to do away with a glorified
toilet. He took this mental snapshot, blew it up to twice normal size
and plastered it on a wall in his mind so he could always look at it
and say to himself, "There's Akane, the one I love." The fact that
Akane was a guy at the time never even crossed his mind until
much later.
Out loud Ranma laughed and said, "Okay, Akane. I'm with you.
Let's pulverize this piss plant!" And so they did. Akane slicing it
with his axe, and Ranma separating it into tinier bits with his
Amaguriken. After they made short work of the first tree, they took
down a few more. Ranma would have blasted them with a few
Takabisha blasts for good measure, except he wasn't feeling all
that confident. What he said to Akane kept echoing through his
mind...only the words were twisted around. Ranma Saotome got
raped! The words said as he ripped a piece of shit tree with his
fingernails. Ranma Saotome got raped! It's a good thing he knew
that it wasn't true. Something like that could ruin a guy's self
esteem.
Akane for his part was too busy riding the acidic waves of
righteous retribution to wonder about the whys and wherefores of
the situation. In his mind he was still a woman, and she wasn't
fighting a tree, she was fighting every time Kuno or Happosai
copped a feel, Every time she found her undergarments missing,
every time a boy accosted her on the street, expecting her to fall in
love with them if they managed to beat her up. In the back of
Akane's mind he knew that 'pulverizing the piss plant' wasn't
going to make things any better, that it was just as bad...maybe
even worse than Ranma changing sexes to run away from it all.
But just at the moment, it felt good. So there.
After it was all over, they stood breathing heavily over the twisted
mush that was once a line of toilet trees and surveyed their work.
The trees were dead, their limbs already beginning to decompose
and fall apart. Every now and then the remains would twitch
sporadically. The pieces of herbaceous flesh oozed slimy guts
everywhere and over everything. They also stank a great deal.
Akane's axe dissipated.
Ranma, standing naked over the carnage walked over to the tree
that had attacked them and kicked a flopping piece of tentacle off
Akane's bra. "We probably shoulda moved our clothes first, huh?"
Ranma observed.
Akane slapped his forehead into his hand.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Nerima, one week since Ranma and Akane left...
Contrary to popular belief, Nabiki had feelings. She just dealt with
them a little differently than most. When she was happy she went
to the bank to check her account and maybe buy or sell some stock.
When she was angry she grabbed her camera and started taking
pictures. When she was bored she'd do yoga stretches. When she
was scared, she thought of math equations. When she was
depressed, she did something unhealthy, like eat junk food or
watch TV. Right now Nabiki was in a lotus position at the low
dinner table watching TV while thinking of math equations and
smoking one of her father's cigarettes. There was some stupid
game show on, the contestants had to perform dangerous stunts for
prizes...same old same old.
Multiply the initial investment let's say 30,000,000 yen by e to the
power of the rate of interest, I'm not really interested but I've got
nothing else to do so let's say 0.04, times the number of
years...18...leaving for college soon...
Nabiki contemplated her father's cigarette. She exhaled and blue-
white smoke writhed and curled from her lips as if she were some
occidental dragon guarding her treasure from hapless adventurers
and at any moment she would breath flames of death on them all.
Beautiful.
Point oh four times eighteen ... is the same thing as eighteen times
one over twenty-five, so I'm looking for e to the power of eighteen
twenty-fifths...and what does this power get me?
Nabiki was thinking of math equations because she didn't want to
think of why it was that she was smoking for the second time in
her life. Daddy was with Uncle Saotome and Happosai. They were
no doubt on their third round of sake already and it was only just
now getting dark. Kasumi and Doctor Tofu were on another date
("Ono-kun" was going to pop the question any time now), and
Ranma and Akane...
Nabiki coughed. Smoking was really such a nasty habit- she didn't
see why anyone would start it up.
She took a long pull off the cigarette and exhaled. Beware the
green dragon. Beware.
I need to take the twenty fifth root of e to eighteenth power. Now, e
is two point one eight...we'll say it's two. Two to the eighteenth
power is like the square of two to the ninth power. Two to the ninth
power is...8,16,32,64,128...256. If I died right now... how long
would it take someone to notice?
Nabiki sucked on the cigarette. She did some yoga breathing
exercises. In with the toxins and carcinogens. Out with the sweet
smelling smoke and good feelings...
Two fifty six squared is...40,000 plus 10,000 plus 1,2000...51,200
plus 10,000...61,2000 plus 2,500...63,700 plus 300...64,000 plus
1,200...65,200 plus 300...65,500 plus 36...65,536 Now then to find
the twenty fifth root of 65,536... Dammit where the hell are they?
Having reached an impressive snag in her calculations, Nabiki's
attention drifted to other things. On the television a man was trying
to find an orange flag in a tank of pit vipers.
Nabiki didn't care. She took a pull off her father's cigarette and
blew smoke at the screen. Her hand found the remote. She
switched to a nature show. The mating habits of the Asian
Elephant. Click. A soap opera "Do you take this man to be your
lawfully..." click. An anime. "...can't come with me. You must
stay here" "But why?" "Because...because I lo-" Click. A talk
show. "Today twenty-one happy couples are going to get married
on the air!" Click. The gameshow was apparently the only thing
on. The man now had a pit viper dangling from his nose, but he
was ecstatic. "Yatta! I got the flag! I got the flag!" The announcer
stepped in front of him with a microphone."You won the prize!
You get 30,000,000 yen and a trip to Hawaii! What do you have to
say?"The announcer shoved the microphone under the man's nose.
"Well I was going to wait till after the show, but I can't think of a
better time...Sayuri, will you ma-" Click CHUNK. Strike that.
There was nothing on. The picture squashed into a horizontal line
and then vanished.
Nabiki stubbed the cigarette into the ashtray. "This is stupid," she
said out loud, "My life doesn't revolve around them." She got up
to her feet but she didn't go anywhere, she just stared at her
ghostly reflection in the black of the TV screen. Because for the
last year and a half...her life had revolved around Akane and
Ranma. And now they were both beyond her. The game was over.
They got their prize and Nabiki... she was left with the vipers.
After Ranma and Akane left, Nabiki's vast empire of information
was quickly dwindling to the occasional question of when they
were going to come back. Nabiki, of course had no idea, so she did
what she always did when she didn't know something. She set up a
betting pool. Nabiki set the odds that Akane and Ranma would
return in a month. She felt she was being foolishly optimistic. She
didn't think they would be back at all.
Nabiki had less than a year in Nerima before she would be headed
for college. Right now the prospect of going out into the world
without Ranma and Akane seemed more and more bleak. They
were special to Nabiki. She loved them more than anyone else,
even more than Kasumi and Daddy... Of course no one knew this.
She showed her love for people by exploiting them.
Nabiki climbed up the stairs to Akane's room. This was where
Ranma and Akane had slept. This was where Nabiki was most
likely to find a semblance of the answer to the question that had
burning at her since the marriage...Why? This wasn't the first time
she'd come up here, but maybe this time would be different.
Nabiki opened the door. The room was impeccably clean. Kasumi
had made the bed that once had appeared hopelessly rumpled,
picked up the clothes that had once languished on the floor,
intimately intertwined, and put all the nicknacks that had fallen,
back onto the nightstand. Nabiki could easily rent the room out
now, and no one would ever know that it was once ground zero for
a sexual explosion.
Nabiki approached the bed. She wondered idly if Kasumi had left
any trace of the Akane-Ranma encounter under the bed. Nabiki
started to crouch down to look but then she stopped...did
something move? She froze for a second. It's probably just the
draft from the air conditioning... She went the rest of the way
down to the floor and bent her head to see. Oddly enough, instead
of a cool rush of wind she felt warmth wash over her face. There
was a sugary smell...something between freshly baked cookies and
cotton candy. It was hard to tell in the dark, but there seemed to be
mounds of brightly colored, fuzzy...things. "Okay now this is
odd..." Nabiki said... and then the fuzzy things attacked.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Akane finished draping the rinsed out clothes on the statues of the
man with two heads and three arms. She turned to see Ranma
poking something with his finger.
"Please stop doing that, sir madam or thing," The thing said, "If
you do not have the proper credits I'm afraid I cannot serve you."
"Ranma," what are you doing?" Akane was still a man, but he had
his hands at his waist and his head was tilted in a ridiculously
feminine stance of incredulity.
"Well it's gonna take a while for the clothes to dry...I thought I
might as well check out what this thing is." Ranma was at a
rectangular protrusion in the wall. It had several large buttons on it.
Three were glowing red, the rest were out. Ranma glanced at
Akane and chuckled "Um Akane, I really hate ta say this...but if
we ever get back ta Earth you're gonna have to learn to act more
like a man."
"What? This from the one who called me a tomboy every chance
he got?"
"Well," Ranma turned completely around in front of the rectangle
thingy and interlaced his fingers behind his head lazily, "you're
still a tomboy when you're a girl. But yer a bit of a pansy when
you're a guy is all."
"A pansy? I'll show you how much of a pansy I am!" Akane ran
into a flying sidekick aimed for Ranma's head...which Ranma
easily dodged. Akane's foot hit the rectangular thing with full
force.
"OUCH Owie owie owie!" The rectangular thing said, " SHARE
and ENJOY! SHARE AND ENJOY! SHARE AND-" there was a
surge of electrical energy and the mechanical voice distorted and
died away, "Doi." Shortly after this, gray rectangular cases with
multicolored tops fell to the ground out of the machine along with
towels wrapped tightly in plastic.
"Thanks, Akane!" Ranma patted Akane on the back as Akane got
up.
Akane, for his part wasn't interested in why Ranma was thanking
him. He was only interested in maybe finally getting a hit in now
that he was a boy. He came in with a punch.
"Hey..." Ranma exclaimed picking up one of the gray cases,
Akane's punch consequently flying over his head. "What's this
thing?" Ranma stood back up as he studied the case.
Akane followed with a simple roundhouse kick aimed at Ranma's
exposed sternum.
Ranma jumped backwards onto the wall and then pushed off the
wall, did a summersault in the air over Akane and landed on his
feet. "Huh? 'Don't panic'?" Ranma read. The words were
inscribed in large friendly hiragana on the case's surface. "Well, I
guess that's pretty good advice..."
"Arrghh!" Akane yelled and lounged at Ranma with a sidekick,
and when Ranma jumped to the side, Akane followed through with
a roundhouse with the other leg- which Ranma jumped over. Using
his momentum from the missed kick, Akane spun into a hook kick
that should have nailed Ranma in the temple but instead passed
through empty space as Ranma sat down on the floor.
Ranma pulled at the green top of the case. "Hey it comes open!"
He took out something that looked a little like one of Nabiki's
graphing calculators only larger with much more buttons and a
bigger screen. He poked at a few buttons as he rolled away from
Akane's axe kick, which would have broken his collarbone if he
had stayed where he was. After his roll he sat on his haunches
reading the display on the screen, "'Space is big, really big. You
just won't believe how mind-bog'... ba-gu-ri-n-gu-
ri...baguringuri?" Ranma jumped over Akane's leg sweep that
would have taken his head off and continued, "'...big it is. I mean,
you may think it's a long way-'" Ranma leaned his head to the side
barely avoiding Akane's punch. "'-off to the chemist's, but that's
just peanuts to space. Listen...'" Ranma bent backwards as if doing
the limbo to avoid Akane's roundhouse kick. He poked a few more
buttons on the gadget and then proclaimed "Aw it's just a stupid
electronic book." and tossed it onto the ground.
Akane was just about to "get serious" when what Ranma said
suddenly struck him as interesting. "What did you say Ranma?"
"Huh? Oh nothin just a stupid electronic book. I thought it was a
game or somethin. You can go back ta tryin ta hit me if ya want."
"An electronic book? I've got to see this!" Akane snatched the
book off the ground.
"Really, though, Akane, ya probably oughta get serious about
trainin and stop goofin around. Now that you're a guy people are
gonna wanna fight ya more... and I don't want ya ta get hurt."
Akane read the title, "'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'
Ranma do you know what this means?"
"Yeah. Ya gotta stop goofin around and start doing some real
trainin like standin under a waterfall ta increase your ki, or maybe
walkin on a fence to improve your balance..."
Akane's impressive eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What are
you talking about?"
"Trainin. Ya gotta get serious. I mean sparrin is fun and all but ya
ain't goin ta improve nearly enough. Ya gotta go beyond fightin
inta life itself...otherwise the Art ain't nothin but a hobby. Why?
What are you talkin about?"
Akane did one of his tilting head revelation things. "Ranma.... I
think that's the most profound thing I've heard you say." He shook
his head. "What I was talking about is this book. Do you realize if
we had something like this we might not have had to go through all
that with the tree?"
"Look I know you got it in your head that that thing raped us or
somethin but it was nothin. I guess it pissed you off pretty good so
it deserved it, but I ain't worried about it."
"Well I certainly wish it hadn't happened. Look," Akane moved so
that Ranma could see what he was doing. "I press the buttons o, te,
a, ra, i for bathroom and mi, ri, wa, i, su for Milliways and look
what I get..." Pictures appeared on the screen as the words scrolled
to the left. After a bit, Ranma pressed a button and the book started
talking.
-The bathrooms at Milliways are the easiesst to find in the galaxy.
Regardless of any handicap you may have due to species, accident,
or too much to drink you will always be able to find them by the
small signs along the walls of the restaurant and the large
holographic pile of dung above the restrooms themselves...
"Oh so THAT'S how you knew this was the bathroom!" Akane
exclaimed in revelation.
Ranma buried his forehead in his hand.
-This makes it possible to go directly to the lavatory without the
embarrassment of having to ask a waiter where it is. However,
before going there, there are a few things you should know.
-It is so easy to find the loo, as it weree, that even mindless
herbaceous creatures can find their way there, most notably the
Aragolian Suckstool. These plants, carelessly dropped as seeds by
tourists, inevitably find their way to the lavatory, where they feed
off the waste products of carbon-based life forms...often without
their permission. Many complaints have been lodged against
Milliways for the actions of these... enthusiastic creatures, however
nothing much is ever accomplished as the restaurant can simply
move forward in time to a point where no one remembers what
happened.
-One Krokarn the Well Endowed of Entleberrry 7 did manage to
confront Milliways on the issue by making his twenty-seven
children memorize the events of his assault. They were charged
with telling the story to subsequent generations, and so it was that
some two thousand years later, when a descendant of Krokarn,
Oodleburt the Fairly Well Off, found himself in Milliways, he
crouched on one knee, bowed his head in reverence and swore that
he would have vengeance on the terrible be-tentacled witches of
Milliways that did assault the tower of his ancestor, smiting off his
manhood and stealing his riches. Oodleburt, whose people were
fond of retelling old legends with the occasional poetic
embellishment, would have made good on his oath too... if the
head waiter had been able to find his name on his list. While it is
true that this usually isn't a problem as you can book reservations
retrospectively in advance by simply calling Milliways when you
go back to your own time, it was a problem for Oodleburt, as after
he was thrown out of the restaurant he was unable to find his
spaceship, which had been 'misplaced' by the valet. Consequently,
he died from the severe radiation of the destruction of the universe
and was therefore unable to book a reservation.
-In short, a meeting with an Alagorian Succkstool is not a pleasant
experience. Only one being in the universe has been known to
enjoy it, and this is most likely because the plants regard him as a
god, building intricate statues of him out of hardened, reprocessed
excrement. This being is Zaphod Beeblebrox.
-Unless you are Zaphod Beeblebrox, it is bbest you stay away from
the Suckstools and the lavatory of Milliways altogether. Firstly
because the experience of having your bowels and bladder cleaned
out by a tree is most often an extremely uncomfortable one,
secondly because the Suckstool, having little in the way of sensory
apparata, is often unable to distinguish between fecal matter and
living tissue, and finally because the Suckstools only exist
naturally in a hundred year period on Aragol called "The Age of
Tree Proctology." They are thus an endangered species and any
damage done to them is punishable by death.
"Shit!" Exclaimed Ranma after the Guide was finished.
Akane's eyes slowly left the book and found Ranma's. Then they
flicked over to their clothes, drying on the statues of Zaphod
Beeblebrox. They found Ranma's eyes again and Akane said,
"Exactly."
~~~~~*~~~~~
"The mosquito whines in the ear of those who would slumber. The
fly flits about those who would repast. So does this mercenary find
me on this night when I would be alone with this facsimile of my
new-found love...Matoko!" Kuno crouched and gestured at a
double-sized poster of the girl with the bokken Kuno had met
earlier. Kuno contemplated the image for a moment, and then
stood and faced Nabiki. "Tell me, foul creature, what business
have you with me?"
Nabiki didn't know. She looked around. She was in the Kuno
mansion. How did she get here? And why? She had wanted
desperately to see Kuno for some reason...what was it? Nabiki kept
her face emotionless as she thought these things. She had trained
herself not to show confusion. The best trick she had was to reveal
what she DID know. This made her look like she knew what she
was doing and had the added bonus of helping her figure out
whatever was bothering her. "The girl," Nabiki pointed at the
poster, "Is called Motoko. Not 'Matoko'"
"How is this so? For I did ask for her name and 'Aoya Matoko' did
escape her lips!"
"You caught her off guard. Her name is Aoyama Motoko. I could
give you more information...for a price." Something fell screaming
from Nabiki's shoulder. It was bright yellow...and fuzzy. Nabiki
noted its position and returned her gaze to Kuno. Stick to what you
know, Nabiki told herself.
"Name it! If I could find out where my love lays her head, I could
serenade her with a sonnet, or perhaps show off my prowess with
the blade!"
"Fifty-thousand yen." Nabiki was tempted to call Kuno's bluff, but
Kuno was a valuable client and she had to be sure her prices were
lower than those of the private investigators around Nerima.
With a speed that defied logic, Kuno took out his wallet, retrieved
fifty thousand yen and slapped into Nabiki's open hand. "Done!"
"She lives in a all-female dormitory named the Hinatosou in
Hinata city. If you want the exact address it will be extra."
"So far away! And yet only a week ago she traveled as far to reach
me. So must I journey the long road to her home, for the fates
surely have set this task before me!"
"Actually, she didn't come here for your sake."
"Is that so? Then tell me, oh nefarious oracle, what divine wind
pushed her delicate sail in my direction?"
"One hundred thousand yen." Nabiki demanded.
"You foul usurer of knowledge! Very well..." Kuno handed Nabiki
the money.
"She was chasing a boy named Keitaro. He is the kanrinrin of the
Hinatosou and he and another girl living there, a Narusagawa Naru
left town after they took their entrance exams for Tokyo
University. Motoko thought they might still be around and was
convinced that Keitaro was taking advantage of the girl."
"Ah... A noble beauty indeed. This Keitaro must be punished! You
say he's the kanrinrin at this Hinatosou? He no doubt seeks to
enslave every woman in that establishment to his evil whims!"
"No doubt." Nabiki repeated to humor Kuno. She wondered if she
was making a mistake. Kitsune, the girl she found nearby when
Motoko met Kuno, had told her all of this information and asked
only that she not be mentioned if Nabiki told anyone else. Nabiki
somehow felt she and Kitsune were similar spirits, that they had
something in common. Clients, even ones as good as Kuno, were
fairly easy to come by, but proper informants were precious.
Nabiki hoped Kuno didn't mess things up too badly. "I guess
you're not going after Akane and the pig-tailed girl anymore are
you?"
"Don't speak of such things! Everyone must have been laughing at
me! Pointing and saying 'there goeth Kuno the fool! See how he
doth lust after one that is taken, and one that is truly a man!' No
more! If someone had just explained the matter to me in plain
speech I would have understood! But nay, you did seek to twist
words around. 'Their mind and soul are one' you spoke, and I
believed this to mean they were lovers! I even felt that foul
Saotome change and considered it a trick of evil magics. Was I not
right? Was it not a curse that I did sense? But I had thought it was
Ranma spiriting his concubine away, as I have heard of such
things. Never had I suspected that both forms contained the same
soul in truth. Who has heard of such nonsense? My sister is in an
asylum now, and only yesterday I would have thought she'd be
joined by any that believed that a woman and a man could be the
same person, and yet I find that I have been the one in the wrong.
My honor is hopelessly sullied, the respect I once garnered
inhumed and blown to the winds. I have been brought down low
and all because no one sought to inform me properly of the truth.
Not my servants, not my fellow classmates, and not you."
Nabiki was impressed, Kuno almost had HER going, but she knew
that it was always Kuno who jumped to conclusions, and Kuno
who refused to listen to reason. And now he was blaming all his
problems on her. Nabiki's fingers itched for a camera. Suddenly
they found one. Akane could materialize hammers, Daddy could
make his head into a gigantic demon, and Kasumi could produce
fully cooked meals out of thin air. The only way Nabiki could tell
Kasumi was angry was when she did that. Nabiki's thing was
cameras. She was never quite sure why...it just was. This one was a
Polaroid. She looked through the eyehole at Kuno's somewhat
startled expression and pressed the button. Click FLASH! And the
picture came out at the bottom. Nabiki ripped it out and shoved it
into the pocket of her shorts. She could have killed Kuno just as
easily. He was just a means to an end. But though she thought this
it didn't make things any better. She was still angry for some
reason. Pissed even.
This hadn't happened in so long she had forgotten what it felt like,
or what to do. Normally after she used her camera she would walk
away, or...if someone asked about the camera she'd say, "Oh
nothing, a girl's got to have a hobby" or something equally light
and cheery all the while imagining that she just killed the subject
of her photography and wondering what would be done to the
body. Many times the people she "killed" would come back from
the grave and sometimes she'd have to "kill" them again, but just
as often they'd disappear from her life entirely, or would come
back as completely different people. And whenever she got a new
photo she'd put it in with the old ones in an album and she'd look
through the album with a mischievous fondness. But it wasn't
working now. Kuno wouldn't die.
"What do you seek to accomplish by taking my picture, woman?"
Kuno asked.
And before Nabiki could stop herself she replied, " Nothing, I just
wanted you to see what a complete MORON you are! Listen to
yourself! You're going on about how no one told you the truth.
EVERYONE told you the truth! You just didn't want to hear it!
You were content in your own little world where you were the hero
and everyone else was against you. Well maybe they were, and
then maybe you just wouldn't let them near you. I bet you knew.
You know that? I bet you knew long before Ranma and Akane did
their little performance, and you were looking for a way out of the
little rut you put yourself in. Ranma wasn't giving you the time of
day was he? Akane was just ignoring you wasn't she? They were
your closest friends and the only way you knew of talking to them
or getting them to notice you was by acting like an idiot. But
they're gone now. Maybe they'll be back, but even if they return
they aren't going to tolerate you anymore. And they're leaving you
with no one. No one! And now you want to blame someone for all
your problems because it doesn't fit into your little fantasy that you
could be the one that's wrong, that you could be the loser. I tried to
tell you. I warned you even but you didn't listen. You just wanted
more pictures, so I gave them to you. And I gave up."
"When was this? I do not remember any warnings"
"I said you were two-timing Akane. That is not anywhere near
what an honorable person should be doing. Do you know what you
said Mr. Shakespeare? Do you know what came out of the mouth
of the human vocabulary vault? 'Oh,' you said, 'So that's two-
timing.' And you kept on doing it. And now you want information
about this Motoko girl. You want information? How about this: If
you go after her like you've gone after all your other 'conquests'
you're going to screw things up just like you screw up everything
else. She, and everyone at that place will hate you and then
gradually as you fail to get a clue, they will start to ignore you.
This Keitaro may indeed be a perverted bastard, I never met him,
but the one thing I'm almost certain he is not is an evil sorcerer.
This is not one your fantasies Kuno. This as real as things here can
get. But as much as you enjoy pretending you are some samurai
hero, you never learned the most important thing that they
teach...Humility. You have been defeated, Kuno. Countless times.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are a loser.
You lost your reputation long ago. You lost Ranma and Akane this
morning and now..." Nabiki turned to leave she snatched up the
yellow ball of fur that had fallen to the ground and turned around.
"For what it's worth I think you might have a chance with Motoko.
But that's all it is. A chance." She turned and walked to the door.
Her back still toward Kuno, Nabiki said, "Good luck with the rest
of your life," walked out of the room, and slammed the door.
Kuno was finally dead. His servants would find him in his room.
They would call the paramedics, but they would just shake their
heads. He died so young. So young and alone. They would put him
in a plot of land close to the city. Only a few people would go to
her funeral. Maybe Akane or Ranma would throw dirt on the
casket as it went down. And they'd put on the headstone "Here lies
Nabiki Tendo."
Nabiki shook her head. When had she become Kuno?
Nabiki walked briskly out of the mansion. Most of the traps were
disabled, and the ones that weren't were easy to spot. When she
got to the genkan, she paused before putting her shoes on and
leaving the building. She took out the Polaroid of Kuno. His eyes
were slightly wider in the picture, but his features still held a smug,
aristocratic and naive handsomeness. Nabiki put a finger to Kuno's
face...then she threw the picture in the trashcan beside the door.
"Now you've lost me too." She murmured and then left the Kuno
mansion behind.
The world was falling apart. Everyone was separating in twos and
leading happy lives. And now Nabiki knew why
It was the yellow fuzzy thing. The same thing that was now dead
and growing cold in Nabiki's hand. It had force fed her emotions
she had suppressed for ages. She remembered now why she was
going to see Kuno. She was going to go on a date with him. Then
she was going to kiss him. Then they would get married and have
lots and lots of precious little babies. Thank the gods Kuno had
already started his Motoko worship or who knows what might have
happened!
Nabiki had a thing for Kuno, she always had. It was something
that wouldn't go away no matter how stupid he acted or how many
times he went after other girls. There was a time when she was a
little angry with Akane because Kuno was after her and not Nabiki.
Then she was angry with Ranma for not being a more intelligent
and available version of Kuno and then later for the same reason as
Akane. But she took a lot of pictures, "killing" them both a
thousand times, and eventually, she grew out of it. She always
figured if she really wanted Kuno she could have him, but that
there were so many better men out there, and that it really wouldn't
fit her lifestyle to get romantically involved with anyone at her age.
And that was usually enough for her. But then the warm fuzzy
things attacked her and all those suppressed feelings came out
again.
The things had to be stopped...but how?
They had to have been put under Ranma and Akane's bed by
somebody. Happosai would be the most likely candidate, but he
was still recovering from Kodachi's wedding present when Akane
and Ranma had their change of heart. Besides that sort of thing
didn't seem like Happosai's bag. There was Cologne, but why
would she want Ranma and Akane to get together? It had to be
Soun, Genma, or Nodoka. They were the only ones who definitely
wanted Ranma and Akane married. Daddy wasn't that desperate
and Genma wasn't intelligent enough...That left Nodoka. She was
a wild card. Nabiki knew next to nothing about her, and where was
she now? Staying at a friend's house in Juuban. Pretty convenient.
Yes, it was probably Nodoka, but if Nodoka had that big a secret,
what other secrets did she possess? Nabiki didn't want to take any
chances on confronting Nodoka without knowing what those
chances were. She needed information, and the person most ready
and willing to supply that information was Cologne.
Determined now to end the madness, Nabiki headed for the
Nekohanten....
Kuno watched Nabiki leave from a second story window. His
thoughts were a jumbled mess but the overall theme was pretty
clear just looking at his eyes. How did she know? Ranma and
Akane were gone and Kuno would have to move on but there was
Motoko now and... How could she have known?
~~~~~*~~~~~
A young man in a red Chinese shirt and black pants left the
restrooms at Milliways, followed by a young woman in a high
school uniform. The man was Akane Tendo, the woman Ranma
Saotome. They both carried what looked like large cigar boxes in
make shift slings made from tying the ends of a towel together
over the shoulder. The cigar boxes were, in fact, copies of the
Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"Are ya sure they ain't gonna try ta shoot us or nothin?" Ranma
asked, glancing suspiciously around.
"No, Ranma, I'm telling you, there's no way we can die until we
make our reservation. Didn't you hear what the Guide said?" They
walked back to their table as Akane explained, "Oodleburt died
before he was able to book a reservation! We had our names on the
list so we must have called....WILL call this Milliways place...and
we HAVEN'T yet...or rather we have...but not yet...I want that
book on time travel grammar the guide mentions. Anyway, until
we call Milliways we can't die."
"Hey look!" Ranma exclaimed as she uncrossed her eyes from
Akane's explanation, "Isn't that that Zippo bee's wax guy?" She
pointed to where a motley crew of four individuals were getting up
out of a fairly impressive puff of smoke. One of them was wearing
a bath robe saying something along the lines of "It's not so much
an afterlife, more a sort of ahutaaraihu." The one Ranma was
pointing to had a surplus in arms and heads.
"You're right!" Akane said. "That's Biibaruburakusu Zeihado-san!
Think we should say hello?"
"Um...Akane? He actually liked what those things did to him
remember?"
"So? Maybe he knows a way to keep them from being so rough.
The Suckstools are only innocent plants after all. I almost feel
sorry for them..." But he continued to walk to the table and Ranma
followed.
"Akane? Ain't you the one that said they raped us?"
"That was before we found out what they were. They're
endangered species, Ranma! If I knew that I wouldn't have killed
so many of them."
Ranma adjusted the too-tight blouse and put her hands awkwardly
at her hips to keep the alarmingly loose panties from slipping. "I'll
never understand girls," she said with only a small amount of
irony.
When they got to the table a younger waiter was busily putting out
their plates and new glasses of Nannichuan and non-yak urinated
apple juice. The plates consisted not only of a steaming hot slab of
meat, but also several multicolored side dishes, which were
presumably edible.
"That's right! I was so busy fighting that Suckstool that I forgot
how hungry I was!" Ranma and Akane sat in front of their meals
quickly and cut into the meat with gusto.
"Hey this is tender!" Ranma was amazed at how easy it was to cut.
"And juicy!"
Akane and Ranma, both a little awkward with the knife and fork
actually put the first piece of meat into their lips at the same time.
In one unified motion, they both spat it back onto their plates. "It's
also revolting." Akane observed.
Ranma nodded, "Yeah," she smacked her tongue a couple of times
on the roof of her mouth as she wrinkled her nose, "I think it's the
plum sauce." Looking up from her plate as she put one of the side
items in her mouth so she wouldn't have to see it, Ranma noticed
the ceiling. "Hey, I can't see the stars any more!"
The older waiter happened by at that particular moment. "Madam
needn't be worried. We have simply covered the restaurant with a
protective shield while this planet's sun goes supernova. Once the
radiation is back to acceptable levels we will pull the shield back
and you can see the rest of the Apocalypse at your leisure."
"Okay...Hey Akane, did you get that?"
"I think so, Ranma." Akane turned to the waiter, "Excuse me
my...wife and I were wondering if we could maybe get another
steak, without the plum sauce...and maybe cut up a bit more...on
rice...with chopsticks."
The waiter nodded slowly. "I'll fetch the chef for you immediately,
Sir," and the waiter left.
"Did you hear that?" Akane smiled at Ranma, "He called me 'Sir!'"
"You're gettin a kick outta this, ain't ya?" Ranma smirked. For her
own part, she didn't mind being called Akane's wife nearly as
much as she would have thought. "So what was he sayin about the
shield?"
"Oh. You see the sun is blowing up right now, and while that's
going on they need to make sure nothing gets damaged."
"That's what I thought, but what was that bit about the Alpo
calypso?"
"The Apakaripusu?"
"Yeah. That thing."
"The Apocalypse is from Christianity. You see the Christians
believe that at end of the world, Heaven and Hell will engage in a
terrible war on Earth."
"Why the Earth?"
"Well, that's where the people are. You see Heaven and Hell would
be battling over people's souls. And at the time they wrote the
Bible they didn't know there were people on other worlds. I guess
you could say by 'Earth' they just mean everywhere where there are
people."
"Why can't Heaven and Hell just get along? I mean, I thought the
Christians had a pretty neat system, good guys go ta Heaven, bad
guys go ta hell. What's the problem?"
"Oh there's no problem. That will still happen. You see there's
something called the Rapture, where all the good people will be
taken into heaven before all the fighting starts."
Ranma crinkled her brow. "Okay let me get this straight...There's
gonna be a big fight over who gets the souls on Earth, right? But
all the good people are still gonna go ta Heaven and all the bad
ones are still gonna go ta Hell?"
"I don't know that much about it. You could ask Kasumi maybe if
we ever get back."
"It sounds a little stupid ta me. I mean who ever heard of a fight
where no one ever wins anythin?" There was a pause as Ranma
thought of all the fights she ever had...fights with Pops, fights with
Ryoga, fights with Akane...she thought about how many of them
she could honestly say she WON... "Okay maybe it ain't that stupid.
Ya think it could be true?"
"I don't know, Ranma. I like to think that I and the people I love
are good enough people that we won't have to worry about it. But
who knows?"
"Yeah," Ranma said as she looked at the shield ceiling, "I think
we're good enough."
"You're BASTARDS!" exclaimed what appeared to be a giant,
pink octopus with a white chef's hat and a mustache. "You're both
evil, sadistic and deranged BASTARDS!" The creature was
wielding a long curved and dangerous looking meat cleaver in on
of its tentacles. "That space cow waited thirty long years for this
night. He gave his very life so that you INGRATES could enjoy
the meat off his bones! And what do you heartless worms say after
you taste the meal so much time and effort was sacrificed on?" He
did a whiny voice " 'Ew! THIS has got too much PLUM sauce I
can't eat THIS!' What the hell is wrong with you people?!"
"Hey look, I didn't even wanna eat him! He practically threw
himself at us!" Ranma defended. "All we want is to have a steak
without all the plum sauce. Just slice another piece off and be done
with it already!"
"'Just slice another piece off,' she says. 'Just slice another piece
off.' Have you no moral compass? Do you wake up in the morning
and wonder where the nursery in the hospital is so you can go
throttle some newborns? Or perhaps you bite the heads off puppies
so you can see how far you can spit them? You're talking about a
thinking, caring creature, not some inanimate piece of furniture!"
"He's dead now ain't he? Besides, you're the one that killed him."
"He killed himself. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his art. And
you people treat it like he was clipping his toe nails!"
A creature that looked like a black straw with string arms and the
head of a desk troll came up to the table. "Hello Sir, Madam, what
seems to be the trouble?"
"This Jerk is sayin that we're responsible for some space cow's
death. I just wanna have my steak without plum sauce."
The straw man bowed slightly, making Ranma and Akane wonder
if his head would come off. "I'm the manager here. I'm very sorry
about this. You see, your space cow was a very special space cow.
He was dear to all of us. Especially Edrag here," the straw man
gestured toward the pink octopus. "We were sad to see him go...
They're like children you know. Edrag gets all misty every time he
has to cut their heads off."
Edrag nodded and sniffed.
"If you'll just be patient. I'll be sure to raise another one of the
space cows from infancy, tell him stories, play games with
him...teach him to set the dials on the transdimensional flux
capacitor..." The manager broke down into sobs leaning on Edrag's
shoulder...s.
"You see what you've done!" Edrag quivered with rage, "You've
brought this good man down! He worked his fingers to the bone so
that this place would be the best restaurant in the galaxy. But that's
not good enough for you is it? You want more, don't you? You
want meat WITHOUT PLUM SAUCE!"
Ranma discovered to her surprise that she had somehow found a
bag of potato chips and was crunching them in her mouth as she
listened to Edrag's rant, no longer caring. Looking to Akane she
found that he was already on his second bag.
"It just makes me so mad," Edrag continued. "IT MAKES ME
SOOOOO MAD!" and with an inhuman scream of rage, Edrag
raised his cleaver high in the air.
"No, Edrag!" warned the manager, "Your war wound!"
But Edrag was already bringing the cleaver crashing onto the table.
Soon afterward Edrag followed, falling on the table and on top of
the manager, unconscious. The manager squirmed around for a bit
and then gave up and passed out as well.
AND NOW, THE PUNCH LINE
Akane finished his second bag of potato chips, wiped his face with
a napkin and said, "Good thing I didn't tell them about the dirty
knife."
Shortly afterward a very thin looking person got up on stage,
introduced himself and told some very bad jokes after which the
shield rolled back, revealing the universe in a less stellar position.
Right after the bad joke guy left, a team of about five gunmetal
gray stay-puft marshmallow men with laundry machines attached
to their chests burst onto the floor. "We have come for the
disgracers! Those heretics that dare harm the holy Suckstools of
Aragol shall taste our laser cannons!"
"Oh yeah?" said Ranma standing up, "Well you can't kill us! We
haven't made our reservations yet! How dya like THAT."
"Er, Ranma?" Akane grabbed Ranma's arm looking a little
worried. "I just thought of something."
"What is, Akane?"
"What if...Nabiki...reserved a table for us?"
Ranma slowly turned back to the militant team of natural life
preservers and smiled weakly. "Any of you guys know martial
arts?"
The one that first spoke fired a large burst of plasma from the
laundry machine in his chest. Ranma jumped over the blast flipped
over Akane and landed on her feet on the other side of the table,
next to Akane. "I guess that's a 'no.' C'mon Akane, lets get outta
here!" And they both started to run. Akane doing all he can to keep
up with Ranma. Ranma doing all she can to simply keep Akane's
panties up.
~~~~~[END]~~~~~
Now that it's not a spoiler anymore, the scene with the chef and the
manager is adapted from Monty Python's fork scetch in case you
didn't know.
NOTES FOR PEDANTS: I completely and utterly realize that I have
done things that should be illegal to the great work that is the
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I've tried as much as possible to
create scenarios that could happen, but I realize I have probably
messed up in a few places. Please let me know where and I'll be
sure to note it when I get around to doing a revision. Note
however, that I am going mostly by the TV series and Radio show
and that in these media, Milliways is, in fact, on Magrathea. For
any Ranma or Love Hina pedants the same applies.
Thanks again for reading and as always, C&C is appreciated.