Romanji
-By Zorknot.



Ranma ran along the fence, his mind on his last fight with Akane. Why couldn’t she just 
listen to him? Suddenly he skidded to a halt- a difficult manuever on a fence. 

A large hulking monster was sitting in his path.

“Pantyhose! What’re you doin’ here!” Ranma asked the gigantic humanoid with a bull’s 
head and hind legs, a crane’s wings,  the arms of yeti, an eel for a tail, and oh yeah 
octupus tentacles growing out his back.

“Ughh!” The monster grunted. He was rather stuck in the chain link fencing he had fallen 
on. Curiously he seemed to be waving Ranma back. Ranma walked closer.

“Hey how ‘bout I get some hot water for ya ‘kay?” Ranma slapped his hand on the 
monster’s massive shoulder.

“UUUaarrghhhh!” the monster seemed to be deeply frustrated about something. Luckily, 
they weren’t that far out from the dojo. Ranma ran back inside, ignored Akane’s glare, 
picked up the steaming teakeattle (it was always on the range for emergencies) and ran 
out. He was back in about ten minutes or so. “Ugh!” the monster grunted angrily at 
Ranma.

“Jeez, what’s your problem?” 

“Ugh.” The monster informed him.

“Yeah, I figured that much.” Ranma said as he poured the water on the monster. The 
monster was replaced by a naked man about a sixteenth his size. Where all the mass went 
is one of the great mysteries of the universe that no one pays attention to. 

“Arghh! Why did you have to TOUCH me Femboy?!” Pantyhose yelled.

“Jeez, I was just tryin’ to help! It’s not like I have some disease or somethin’”

“You do NOW.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“ARRGgggh! I should have just let it go, but NOOOO I had to find a way to change my 
name…”

“What does this have to do with…”

“EVERYTHING, femboy.”

“Hey, watch who yer callin’ femboy PANTYHOSE!”

“That name doesn’t bother me anymore… It’s the other one.”

“Tarou?… EW! where’d that U come from?” 

“Arghh! Now you see the hardship I have endured!!!”

Ranma sat down on the fence above Pantyhose, stunned. “How’d this happen, Tarou?”

“STOP CALLING ME THAT!” Pantyhose yelled launching a kick at Ranma who 
dodged. Pantyhose landed on the fence. He turned, head bowed and grimacing. “I was 
wandering the forests of China searching for some way to make the old freak change my 
name, when I heard a scream.”

“Oh c’mon! Don’t tell me you saved a girl from a horrible beast AGAIN!”

“Yes, only this time, I… I told her my name.”

“Really? What happened?” 

“She laughed of course! But then, just when I was about to leave, she told me hers.”

“What was it?”

“Jockstrap.”

Ranma really tried not to laugh. In the end though he couldn’t help it. 
“BWAAHahahaha!”

“Heh. You laugh now, but you haven’t heard the rest of my story. The elders of her 
village told me of an old woman who could change my name by mere touch. I search for 
her for weeks on end until finally I came to her hut. She came out and touched me and 
ever since then I’ve been cursed with an insidious U at the end of my name!”

“I still think its pretty funny, Tarou”

“Is it really, SAOUTOUME!”

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Now whoever you touch will have a stupid U in their name where only a an O would 
suffice!”

Ranma ran away as fast he could. First he was going back to the dojo but then he 
realized. The Tendos! They’ll be susceptible!  and 
with that he wheeled around and headed toward the Nekohanten. 

“Prepare to die Ranma!”  Ryoga said as he stepped into Ranma’s path. 

“Please, Ryoga get out of the way while there’s time!”

“Ha this is just another one of your tricks! Well it won’t work!” Ryoga tackled Ranma 
knocking him down.

“Now you’ve done it, Ryouga I hope you’re happy!”

“My name’s not Ryouga its Ryouga! I mean its Ryouga I mean…”

“Stuff it p-chan there’s nothing you can do” Ranma got up and walked deliberately 
toward the cat café, leaving a bewildered Hibiki.”

“But…but… FOR CHANGING MY NAME SO TERRIBLY I WILL KILL YOU 
RANMA SAOUTOU…me”  Ryouga looked confused for a moment as he watched 
Ranma leave. Then he decided to do what he always did when he was confused. He went 
to see Akane.

Ranma entered the cat café, unintentionally changing its name from the Nekohanten to 
the Nekouhanten. “Airen!” a buxomous purple-haired amazon exclaimed as she attached 
herself to Ranma seductively.

Ranma stiffened and looked around. When he saw no one he kissed Shampoo on the lips. 
Shampoo, shocked by this, stepped back. “Damn its good to be free of Akane for a while! 
It almost makes up for getting this stupid name.”

“What wrong with Airen?” Shampoo asked.

“Well, I always thought you were the cutest fiancee, but the others were always around. I 
love all of ya for different reasons. You I love mainly for your physical…assets. I’d even 
marry you if it wasn’t for your stupid Amazon rules. Oh yeah, and you can be a psycho 
bitch sometimes.”

Shampoo’s eyes narrowed. One of the reasons she liked Ranma was that he didn’t glomp 
her all the time like some OTHER people she knew. Maybe Akane was right. Maybe 
Ranma WAS a pervert… “What you want?”

Ranma’s eyebrow arched at Shampoo’s change in attitude “What’s wrong, baby? I just 
wanna talk to the old crone ‘bout somethin’ is all.”

“Great grandmother in kitchen. Mousse in cage. Why you acting like pervert?”

“Aw come on! Not you too now! Ah well I’ll just talk ta the ghoul and then I’ll make it 
up ta ya what dya say?”

“Not sure. You talk. Shampoo wait.”

Ranma went into the kitchen. Cologne was mixing something in a pot. She had 
headphones on and the raucous notes of a heavy metal band were easily heard. “HEY!”
Ranma yelled.

“WHAT!” yelled the old lady back. 

“I want to talk could you take your head phones off” Ranma was smiling, when did 
Cologne start listening to heavy metal?

“WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TAKE MY HEADPHONES OFF!” Cologne 
had heard everything Ranma said, but she was feeling good and she liked jokes. She was 
just a girl when she had heard that one. Only it was a bannana in someone’s ear instead of 
headphones. 

Cologne is very old in case you have forgotten.

“Oh great high elder grand poobah muck-a-muck person! I have a favor to ask!” There 
that should be polite enough.

“What do you want, son-in-law? Are you prepared to marry Shampoo?”

“Sure, but before I do you gotta fix somethin’. See, I was getting some things for Kasumi 
on a count of Akane being sick and then I met Pantyhose on the fence and well he…”

“Wait a minute, did you just say… that you’d marry Shampoo?”

“Uh… yeah if you help me out.”

Cologne fainted.

“Shampoo!”

“Yes?”

“Your great grandmother…”

“Yes?”

“The honored elder of your tribe…”

“YES?”

“The protector of thousands of years of Amazon history…”

“What is it???”

“She’s out cold on the kitchen floor.”

“Is true?” Ranma nodded. Shampoo hurried into the kitchen.

“Hey watcha doin’?”

“Ancient Amazon secret. You no look.”

Ranma turned around so he couldn’t see what Shampoo was doing. After awhile he heard 
strange squeaking noises. Curiosity got the better of Ranma and he looked back. “Hey no 
fair! I wanna doodle on her too!”

Shampoo smiled. “Since Ranma airen, Shampoo guess is okay.” She handed him the 
black marker. 

 “What do you think you’re doing?” Cologne grabbed Ranma’s arm.

“I’m…getting ready to sign a contract!”

“Really? So you’re prepared to marry Shampoo?”

“Yeah, I just want my name changed. Oh and it’s alright if I only want her for her body 
right?”

“Akane right. Ranma IS pervert! Shampoo not so sure she want Ranma now…”

“Quiet, granddaughter! Ranma, as soon as you marry Shan pu you will be given a proper 
amazon name.”

Ranma looked thoughtful “Hmm...and what would that be?”

“Well first off all Amazon names have one syllable. First and last. So normally if you 
were a girl being initiated into the tribe your name would be Ran Sa. BUT since you will 
be marrying Shan Pu  you will take HER last name so your name will be Ran Pu.”

“Lamp? My name would be LAMP?!”

“You're right, it doesn’t quite fit does it? Maybe So Pu?

“I think... I need to think about this a little more.” Lamp ran out the door.

“The fool... doesn’t realize he already agreed.” Cologne smiled.

“Great-grandmother?”

“Yes child?”

“Shampoo no sure want marry Lamp.”

“Don’t worry dear...” Cologne pulled out a book from...somewhere. It said 
CHARACTER DISCRIPTIONS on the cover. She turned to the S’s. “See, here is 
Saotome Ranma- lovable unrefined martial artist, often mistaken for a pervert due to 
circumstances beyond his control.”

“Shampoo no can read that. It in romanji.”

“I thought I told you to study that!”

“Shampoo try but is hard. Why can’t peoples write in Kanji like normal?”

“Nevermind. Here’s the entry for Saoutoume Ranma...”

“Didn’t grandmother already read that one?”

“No that was for Saotome this is Saoutoume.”

“Shampoo no hear difference.”

“Which do you prefer, Saotome or Saoutoume?”

“Saotome, Shampoo guess.”

“Exactly.”

“Shampoo confused.”

“Anyway the entry for Saoutoume Ranma goes like this: a dispicable, perverted wart on 
the ass of society, often mistaken for being nice through his dark machinations.”

“That sound bad.”

“Indeed, lucky we found Lamp when we did. Now the entry for Lamp is this: A loyal 
amazon. A proud warrior when female, and a dutiful husband when male.”

“That more like it” Shampoo smiled.

“Yes so you see all we have to do is wait until Lamp’s brainwave patterns change from 
this,” Cologne pointed at the entry for Saoutoume Ranma, “to this,” Cologne pointed to 
the entry for Lamp, “and he’ll be the perfect addition to our tribe and...” Cologne paused 
for dramatic effect,  “give us all the access codes to Zion’s mainframe.”

“Shampoo think great-grandmother watch too too many american movie.”

“Hey, Yuen Wo Ping’s the bomb no matter what country he’s in.”

~~~~*~~~~~

Lamp ran toward Uchan’s which was in the opposite direction from the Tendo dojo, so it 
was inevitable that he ran into Ryouga. 

“How dare you destroy my happiness again Lamp!” Ryouga paused. “...Lamp?” Ryouga 
started laughing. 

A bucket of water came out of nowhere and splashed Lamp. Buckets do that sort of thing 
from time to time. “How dare pig boy laugh at Lamp! Ryouga you I kill!” 

Ryouga stopped for a moment…then laughed even louder.

"Wait minute...why Lamp talk funny? Why Lamp still Lamp?" 

~~~~~*~~~~~

"Oh! I forgot something!" Cologne exclaimed

"What is it, Great Grandmother?" Shampoo asked.

"Amazon law states that all female Amazons under the age of forty-two must speak like brainless bimbos!"

~~~~~*~~~~~

Meanwhile, Tarou ponders on nakedly through the streets of Nerima. A man in a business suit yells at him, "Hey get some clothes on ya freak!"

Tarou smiles. "My name's Pantyhose. What's your name?"

The man looks confused. "Sato," he says with a slight nervous bow,"Sato Sataru. Yoroshiku."

"Yeah...Youroushiku," Tarou says...right before slamming his fist into the man's nostrils. Tarou quickly dresses in the man's clothes and then turns to leave. "See ya later, satou. Sayounara."

As he's going down the street he decides to take care of some yelling he needs to do. "That blasted Lamp! I'll get him for this!"

He pauses

"Lamp?"

He proceeds to laugh his ass off.

~~~~~*~~~~~

"Akane?" Nabiki asks her sister as she enters the kitchen. "Where's Lamp?"

"It's in the hall where it always is, Nabiki."

"No, not THE lamp. Lamp. You know...Lamp..."

"Oh you mean Lamp!"

Nabiki looks at Akane.

Akane looks at Nabiki.

They both start laughing uncontrollably. When they're finished they're asses fall off.

    Source: geocities.com/zorukonotsu