Sometimes a Great Fanfic.
By Zorknot
An idea generated from an internet induced fever dream. I basically
made things up as I went along. Many parts of it are awful. Some are
sick. There are some parts that are alright though and maybe
sometimes it’s a great fanfic. For this reason, and because there’s an
extremely obscure reference to a line in “Goodnight Irene” by
Huddie Ledbetter we have the title.
Really though, most of it’s pretty bad.
Disclaimer at end of fic.
And now without a doodoo on fur, I give you...Sometimes a Great
Fanfic!
{applause}
~~~~~[START]~~~~~
“Believe in me Ranma! Please let me go!” Akane pleaded with the
pigtailed red-haired girl.
“But Akane the fish, its melting!”
“I know that, dummy! Why do you think I’m covering it with my
genitalia?”
“Your covering it with your...URK” Ranma fainted.
“Hmmph. Now then back to the docks!” Akane was going to swim
to China no matter what. She even bought a magical fish to help her
get there. Unfortunately it was made out of ice. She reflected on
why she was going to china.... She thought that if she could go to
china she could once and for all settle this business with the
Amazons. And maybe she’d have more luck with Jusenkyo than
Ranma did. After all, she had managed to be there twice already
with out getting cursed. Of course, she had drowned in a spring, but
maybe even that would help. She was sick of Ranma’s whining. The
springs were back to normal now and she was going to China.
Her father was in the hospital with a debilitating illness. Not that she
cared particularly, she hated the bastard. But it meant that she could
leave with out hearing about the porcupines and how they
threatened to take over the world some five centuries ago before the
goddess Urd shot them all with laser beams attached to rather
vicious sharks.
Akane had learned recently that she had been switched at birth with
the child of an eccentric business man who also happened to be the
leader of a faction of the Yakuza named “The bleeding Snorkels”
Their calling card was to leave snorkels sticking out of the orifices
of their victims with little epithets attached to them written in
English like “Never knows best” or “Everyone’s connected,” or her
personal favorite: “In the name of God, impure souls of the living
dead shall be banished into eternal damnation, Amen.”
Seeing as she wasn’t a Tendo, the marriage contract had nothing to
do with her. Ranma ran away with her to Kyoto, where Akane
discovered that while in any other martial art Ranma far surpassed
her, Akane could pistol whip Ranma any day of the week. The
Yakuza blood in her intimately recalled the functions and purpose of
even the most complicated long range weaponry. Preferring not to
think of how blood could remember such things, Akane took it at
face value. Holding a nine millimeter Glock loaded with hollow
point bullets in a fifteen round clip aimed at Ranma’s head she had
asked him politely to train her seriously. Now even without the gun
she was almost Ranma’s equal in martial arts.
Unfortunately living alone with Ranma in a tent on the top of
various buildings in Kyoto had its drawbacks. One of these was
Ranma’s constant whining. Inevitably it would rain or the fire
bucket would spill or some other silly thing and Ranma would turn
into a girl and start grumbling about his stupid curse and how he
couldn’t be full man and blah blah blah. Akane had tried to explain
to Ranma that she didn’t care about that. That she loved Ranma for
who he was on the inside and that nothing else mattered. That
besides, she thought his female side was cute. None of that worked.
Ranma kept whining like a little bitch.
Akane no longer wondered about why Ranma’s father had thrown
him in a pit of cats, and sold him countless times for food. The poor
man probably just wanted a few minutes peace.
So now she was going to china. Hopefully alone. Of course she
didn’t have any money, and the police were already on her tail over
the last four people she killed. The fuck heads didn’t believe it was
in self defense. They didn’t understand how reedy looking men in
business suits and scuba gear could be dangerous. They didn’t know
about the porcupines yet. They would soon enough. In the mean
time, Akane figured she’d lay low in Jusenkyo. Bide her time till
they forgot her crime. Find a cure for Ranma’s curse so his whining
wouldn’t get worse. Learn Chinese like shootin the breeze...
Akane realized she was dillydallying. Or was it lollygagging?
Dawdling maybe? It wasn’t procrastinating. She knew from English
class Procrastinate came from Pro, for in favor of, and Cras, for
tomorrow. But Akane wanted to go today. Just not this minute. So
she was Pronextminutenating. She wondered why she was thinking
in English. Nihongo motto ii desu... demo subete kakui mono ga
eigo de hanashi nakereba ikemasen... Or so she had learned from anime and her
father’s snorkels. So she kept on thinking in English. In this at least
she was her father’s daughter.
She had to go now, otherwise the magical fish, carved out of ice by
the weird guy with a glowing purple piece of glass stuck in his
forehead that she had stuffed down her bathing suit, would melt and she
wouldn’t be able to swim again.
Taking a deep breath, she picked up the backpack full of supplies
and firearms and ran to the shore. She jumped in and started
swimming out away from Japan and all her problems. Funny, she
hadn’t thought the ocean would be this cold. It was interesting, she
reflected, on how low temperatures could suck away the feeling in
your limbs, making them feel like floppy rubber. And you wouldn’t
think it would affect breathing and yet here she was gasping like a
mule after one too many aphrodisiacs shoved up the ass’s ass. And it
was actually pretty hard to hold up that back pack full of heavy
metal cd’s and firearms even knowing how to swim. And was that
the fish that just slipped out of the swimsuit?
Akane’s last conscious thought before drowning was “Mmmm.
Salty.”
~~~~*~~~~~
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the cows had just birthed chickens
and Farmer Bob, (or to be perfectly inaccurate, Faruma Babu,) was
calling the Guiness people to see if maybe he could get some money out
of it, when Ryoga happened by on his way back to Japan from
Istambul (not Constantinople). “Just you wait Ranma!” He yelled,
realizing that fic’s focus had shifted to him, “I’ll make you pay for
all those times you fooled me into sleeping with that Yakuza bitch!”
After Akane had found out about P-chan, she had been rather irate.
She had shot him once non-lethally for every night he had slept with
her. Despite this, Ryoga still thought fondly of the “yakuza bitch”
from time to time...
“Excuse me young Japanese sir.” Faruma said to Ryoga. “But it
might behoove you to wake Ranma up when you find him. Akane’s
drowned you see, and he’s too busy being passed out to do anything
about it.”
“Huh? How do you know that?”
“I gave Akane a fish a little while ago that allowed her to swim.”
Faruma said holding the receiver of the phone to his ear as he waited
on hold. He rubbed the ridge of his knows underneath the glowing
purple piece of glass in his forehead. “The fish saw everything.”
“Oh.”
“Wait.” Faruma said digging in his pockets for his spectacles. “I
didn’t do that properly.” Faruma put his spectacles on and tilted his
head so the sunlight would glare off them into Ryoga’s eyes. “The
fish saw everything.”
“Wow that was much better. I really got a sense of grave importance
there! I’d better get going! Um...where am I?”
“You’re on the planet Grooplewhatzit in the Flamwan sector of the
Nuugbar galaxy. Fifth star system to the right.”
Ryoga nodded. “I see. Thanks.” He waved and then ran off yelling
“Damn you, Ranma you were supposed to be protecting that Yakuza
bitch!”
Faruma shook his head. “Young fool, Japan is in the other direction.” His
cow nodded its head up and down in agreement.
~~~~~*~~~~~
SPLASH
Ranma woke up her head spinning around the concept of Akane’s
genitalia. “So THAT’s why it smells like...”
“You killed Akane! You bastard!” Ryoga yelled after splashing
Ranma.
“What? You mean she’s dead again?”
“You’re supposed to be protecting her!” Ryoga pointed at the
redhead accusingly.
“Hey look pigface! I ain’t got no control over what she does ya
know.” Ranma looked down at her breasts. “It’s bad enough I gotta
deal with this stupid curse without havin ta put up with freakin
yakuza tryin ta kill Akane and me all tha time. And I just about had
enough of you showin up ta rub it in.”
“Shut up Ranma! Because of you I’ve seen Hell!” Ryoga paused
remembering. Satan was a terribly mean person, but the worst part
about it was that dog, Cerberus. Apparently it had a crush on Ryoga
and kept chasing him around, humping his leg...
“What has that gotta do with anything?” Ranma asked ending
Ryoga’s musing before it could turn into a full-fledged flashback.
“How did she die this time?”
“She drowned in the ocean you moron!”
“Ah. Hold on a second then while I save her.”
Ranma trudged to the docks and called out across the water.
“Akane! I um...I love you and stuff. I couldn’t bear living with out
you. Um... so if you could hurry up and come back ta life that’d be
like real cool.”
Akane washed up onto the shore in the next wave and coughed up
the brine. She staggered to her feet. “Honestly, Ranma,” She flicked
some seaweed off her shoulder. “You take more and more time to do
that.”
“Hey look, I’m sorry. I can’t help it if the idea of you covering
things with your genitalia causes me ta pass out. What were ya
thinkin anyway?”
“I was swimming to China to get a cure for you, you dummy!”
“But ya can’t swim ya kawaikune, irokegane, otemba!”
Akane called an SKS semi-automatic assault rifle out from
mallet-space and leveled it at Ranma. “What was that?”
“Um...ya can’t swim ya uncute, unsexy, tomboy?”
“Much better. There are people out there who don’t know Japanese
you know.” She rested the rifle on her shoulder. “Now hurry up and
kiss me before I forget why I came back to life.” Ranma complied,
jumping in the air, doing a somersault and landing next to Akane
before bringing her down in a dip to kiss her.
A group of five thirteen year old boys (and one girl) gawked at the
public display of lesbian affection. They left somewhat mollified.
After seeing Ranma and Akane, they were now content to die,
saving their town from Pennywise the clown with all the Pokemon
they saved up while defeating the evil Dr. Wiley and his motley crue
of digital monsters.
Ryoga, seeing that the yakuza bitch was alright, decided to get lost
before she could shoot him again.
Ranma released Akane and smiled. His/her last words, (before the
sun went supernova and everyone on the earth was disintegrated
into little piles of ash that were then swept up by robots from the
eighth dimension), were, “Mmmm. Salty.”
~~~~~[END]~~~~
As you can tell it is not my intention to continue this. However that
is not to say I might not. There are other worlds in the universe. Pure
untouched paragons of perfection just waiting to be sullied by these
impure hands. Well I guess you can’t see the hands, but they’re
there. And they’re impure. And they’re really grabby.
I made obscure references to at least ten other
anime/movies/books/games/bands/shows Did you catch them all? They WERE
obscure...here they are.
Ah Megami-sama (Oh My Goddess)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
FLCL
Serial Experiments: Lain
Hellsing
Inuyasha
They Might Be Giants
South Park
IT( Stephen King)
Pokemon
Megaman
Digimon
In case you’re interested, the line I was talking about in Goodnight
Irene was this:
“Sometimes I live in the country,
Sometimes I live in the town,
Sometimes I get a great notion,
To jump in the river and drown.”
Not exactly bright and happy but then neither is a walrus wearing
pantyhose, and that’s pretty funny I think.
And what I was trying to say in the Japanese bit with Akane was “Japanese is better, but you need to say every cool thing in English.”
May fortune smile upon all those who give reviews, for they are
among the truly blessed.