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Thyself Known

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Zorknot

Chapter 1: I Must Be Dreaming!

DISCLAIMER: Characters and some situations originally conceived by Rumiko Takahashi.

~~~~~*~~~~~

“It's like a dream you try to remember, but it's gone,
Then you try to scream, but it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time, 'cause theway I rhyme's gonna make you smile
When you realize a guy my size might take a while
Just to try and figure out what all this is for.
Pinch me, pinch me 'cause I'm still asleep
Please, God, tell me that I'm still asleep.”

Fr. "Pinch Me" by Steven Page and Ed Robertson of Barenaked Ladies

~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~

Ranma is in a maze, a dark labyrinth of false hallways and dead ends, of hidden traps and all too visible obstructions, of pain, frustration, and misery. He comes to an intersection in the hallway. He turns left. "RANMA NO BAKA!!!" he hears as Akane hits him with a hammer. Through the stars in his eyes, he sees her turn away saying "How could I love such an arrogant, self-centered, perverted, JERK!" the words stab like hot knives. Though he's heard them before, now they are spoken without the tinge of playfulness Akane with which she usually says. And then there is that word. Love. How could Akane ever love me? Ranma despairs. He collapses onto his knees as he hears a familiar battle cry:

"PREPARE TO DIE, RANMA!" Ranma dodges Ryoga's attacks easily and manages to stay away from the debris from his Bakuzai Tenketsu. Seeing an opening, Ranma starts his modified Tenshin Amaguriken, punching the same spot on Ryoga's chest repeatedly and with nigh inhuman speed, when he notices that Ryoga isn't trying to block. And he has a sad look on his face. Ranma stops and stares as Ryoga speaks, "You put me through hell, and now you're doing the same to Akane. I may not be able to beat you Ranma, but I can't let you hurt her anymore. She's too good for you."

    "Oh like you're any better? Snugglin' up to her every night as P-Chan? The only time she can stand you is when you're a pig. Heck you almost killed her when you found that waterproof soap and finally got her on a date!" The words pour out of him in a wash of anger.

    "At least I never hurt her feelings. And you know I've been trying to find a way to stop being a pig for a long time now. I thought you would realize that, but I guess... you were never much of a friend either..." Ryoga turns and walks away as Ranma stands stunned.

    He tries to run after Ryoga, but he finds he can't move. He briefly wonders why, then he hears it... the laugh. "WAAAAHahahahahahahahahahahaha!" It's Kodachi. She bounds into view, wearing her green leotard and waving her ribbon around as she speaks. "Hello my darling, I'm glad you are no longer resisting me," she plants a long, wet kiss on Ranma's unresponsive lips, "now we shall be wed in perfect bliss! We just have to deal with that peasant Akane and her insipid family!" Kodachi embraces him in a manner that might be called loving by a casual observer but would seem upon closer inspection perversely voracious. It's as if Kodachi wants to eat him rather than marry him. When Kodachi mentions Akane and her family they appear, all of them sad... but Akane especially. Kodachi then proceeds to lop off the head of Soun Tendo with her ribbon laughing maniacally. NO! Next comes Nabiki, her face stuck in a scowl of disapproval as her head flies off her shoulders almost comically. NOOOOO!!!!! Next would be Kasumi. Gentle Kasumi. Kasumi who even when possessed by evil could never really bring herself to harm anyone.

    Ranma can't take it, somehow managing to speak he yells, "Kodachi you BITCH! When I recover, I don't care if you ARE a girl, I WILL KILL YOU!!!"

    "Oh but my darling, you won't ever recover! You and I will be together forever and ever and ever! Oh I forgot Ahahaha! I need to get my wedding dress! WAAAAHahahahahahahahaha!" and she bounds off into the darkness leaving a cloud of black rose petals and Akane looking hurt and dejected.

    "Akane you gotta understand! She drugged me! I can't move! I only just have been able to talk!" Akane just stands there with tears in her eyes. Tatewaki Kuno appears with his bokken carried casually on his shoulder.

"Greetings, fiend. Usually I disapprove of my dear sister's multitudinous and oft fervent methods to wed the foul creature that is you, but my sibling of the fairer sex will find that I am in complete agreement with this most recent technique. Foul sorcerer that you are, you have imprisoned many to your whim not the least of which the fair tigress Akane and the fiery pig-tailed girl. How fitting then, that you find yourself imprisoned in much the same way by one who you had thought to ensnare."

    "Shut up, Kuno! I ain't ensnarin' nobody 'specially not that BITCH sister of yours Kodachi!"

    "Ah but you are. You cause women to love you like moths love the flame, and your indecision doth make the flame grow hotter causing pain and brighter causing moths to gather closer. Yet each moth is in truth a spectacular butterfly that wants but to drink from what it believes to be a flowery vessel of the sweetest nectar. Only I know that the nectar they seek is poison and your bloom is like onto that thorny variety of Plutonian flower my sister implements as her namesake." Kuno's words are still characteristically pompous but now they seem to convey something. Something that Ranma is afraid... might be true.

    Before Ranma can come up with a suitable rebuke, Kuno fades away to be replaced by Shampoo, jumping off her bicycle and yelling "Airen!" in mid-glomp. "Is true! Ranma no can move. Shampoo marry Ranma for sure!"

    "Aw, get offa me, Shampoo!" Ranma tries desperately to struggle but, well, he can't move. Shampoo just hugs tighter and tighter until she almost suffocates him and finally, when it seems like he is about to pass out, she is gone, replaced by her great-grandmother, Cologne. Not an improvement as far as Ranma can see.

    "Hello, Son-in-law. I hope you're comfortable, seeing as you aren't going to move anytime soon. I have the antidote, but I'm not going to give it to you until you make a certain promise. I'm sure you know what that is."

    "NO! I ain't gonna marry Shampoo. I don't care how many years of Amazon history are at stake!"

    "Pity" Cologne says as she hops away on her wooden staff.

    Akane is still there looking angry through her tears. "Please, Akane, understand! I can' t help it! I just don't wanna hurt their feelin's!" That's odd, thinks Ranma. He had meant to say something about being paralyzed, but instead THAT came out. What's going on...?

    A worried-looking Ukyo runs up to Ranma. "Ucchan! Finally someone who I can trust!"

"Hey Ranchan! Guess what!"

    "What?"

" I was able to get that antidote from Cologne!"

    "That's fantastic, Ucchan! Now I can move again! You're such a good friend!"

"Just one moment." Ukyo Kuonji pauses with the antidote in her hand "Before I -give this to you I want ask you one thing"

    "What's that?"

    "Do you love Akane?"

    Ranma doesn't know what to do. There's Akane, with tears in her eyes, who will either explode... or merely break apart if he says no. Then there's Ukyo who was always his friend ...or so he thought, but he can see in her eyes that she wants more, and she will be similarly affected if he says yes. I can't decide I CAN'T DECIDE! Why can't people just leave me alone!!! He closes his eyes tight in frustration as voices from the past echo his feelings "Akane or the pig-tailed girl, the pig-tailed girl or Akane!!" "Should I tell Akane about being P-Chan or not? If I tell her she'll hate me if I don't she'll never love me as a man!" "Which one should I wear the red dress or the blue? What do you think, Ranma, the blue dress or the red?" Ranma opens his eyes to find his father standing with a bucket.

    "Make a decision, boy. You are acting like A GIRL!!!" he splashes Ranma with the contents of the bucket breaking a now female Ranma from paralysis. Onna-Ranma stretches for a moment glad to finally be able to move. Suddenly, she's surrounded by cats! They get closer and closer, and they all seem to yowl "Airen" or "Darling" or "Ranchan" or even "Baka."

    "Oh no not c- c- c- CATS!!!" Onna-Ranma turns and runs at full speed away from the furry creatures, entering the right side of the intersection. Suddenly, the cats are gone and there's a curious silence. What the hell's going on here? One second I'm running for my life and the next... nothing. Then in the darkness, three words are heard in a sickeningly familiar voice. "Suki da. I love you," it's Kuno. Then he appears...and he appears again, and again... like an image from another dream Ranma had when Kuno had first met his "pig-tailed goddess." The images grasp hands and circle around Ranma's head chanting, "I love you I would date with you I love you I would date with you IloveyouIwoulddatewithyou..."

    "Arrrrgggghhh I'm A GUY" Yells Ranma

    Then Mikado Senzenin of the Golden pair glides out of the darkness "You shall be my thousandth conquest!" he says as he puckers his lips.

    "Get away from me, you pervert, I'm a MAN"

    Nodoka appears and smiles proudly "You'll make a good wife someday, Ranko"

"But MOM! I ain’t a girl!"

    "Why would you say a thing like that? Really, Ranko, such words are not becoming of a lady"

    "That's what I'm trying to tell you I'm a MAN I'm your SON"

    The Kunos break from their chant to say in unison "Methinks the lady doth protest too much"

    "What the hell is THAT supposed to mean! And who're you callin' a lady?!"

    "It means," says Ryoga appearing out of the darkness with a smirk "that if you were really so sure that you were a man you wouldn't bother saying it so much."

    "Shut up P-CHAN!"

    "Oooh looks like I hit a nerve! Could it be true? Could it be that Saotome Ranma the 'man among men' actually LIKES being a girl?" Ryoga seems to be enjoying this immensely.

    "That's not true and you know it, Ryoga!"

    "If you like being a girl so much, why don't you just STAY that way!" It's Akane, a voice from the past, from a time when Ranma had almost considered that very thing. Ranma was pretty much frightened off the idea when his two halves were separated and his female half turned out to be an evil, soul-sucking demon. Still, it revealed in a moment the falsehood of Ranma's statement.

That reminds me, why isn't Happosai here? Onna-Ranma has only a moment to wonder why it is that Happosai SHOULD be here before her father's master glomps her.

"Oh, Ranma! I'm so glad! NOW will you wear this little number?" the demon midget said managing to pull out a silk teddy while squeezing Onna-Ranma's breasts at the same time.

    "No... I ... will... not... you... PERVERT!" yells Ranma as she dropkicks the master into oblivion. Ranma always felt... weird whenever the old lech did that. I gotta find some hot water! And there it is right in the middle of the intersection in the form of a piping teakettle. Ranma lunges for it and pours the rather painful contents on her head turning her back to a man. Well only one more direction to go... Thinks Ranma, newly male, as he walks down the middle corridor.

    He wonders briefly at how odd everything seems: people appearing out of nowhere, not being able to move, cats talking. There was something that all this meant if he could just figure it out. Wait, it has something to do with what you say when nothing seems to make any sense. What is that?

    Now he realizes he is approaching a gigantic mirror. The figure in the mirror becomes more discernable until he finds that it is himself, or rather, his female self.

Oh now I remember! "I must be dreaming!" That doesn't seem to do anything.

Wait there's something else I'm supposed to do, something stupid involving pain... ohhhhh! Before Ranma can pinch himself he pauses as he sees his female self raise her arm, pointing straight at him. The female Ranma speaks accusingly, confusingly, angrily. She says, " WHO ARE YOU?" Otoko-Ranma remains silent. "WHO ARE YOU!!!" Onna-Ranma demands. Then Otoko-Ranma remembers and pinches himself. Of course he feels nothing because he is dreaming.

"I AM dreaming!!!" Ranma says as reality starts making itself apparent once again.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Ranma woke up with a start. What a weird dream! , he thought. He tried to keep the events of the dream in his mind. Ranma had a feeling that the dream was important somehow, that it revealed some inner truth about him and perhaps foreshadowed some event to come...

    He sat for a moment on his futon thinking about it. He'd never remembered the pinching thing working before. He shrugged. I guess there's something to it after all. Ranma had always thought the idea of pinching yourself to find out if you were dreaming was pretty stupid. Couldn't you just dream there was pain after you pinched? And what if you dreamt you were a butterfly or something, like that monk in the old scroll Pops stole from that temple in China? How would you pinch yourself then? Yet it had worked. Weird.

Hmmm... Now what was the dream about? Something important... revealing some inner truth... Ranma couldn't remember a single thing about the dream. Well, aside from the pinching. Now why would that be important?

    He noticed it was still dark and the large furry creature he knew as his father was still snoring beside him. He had woken up early. "I must be dreaming!" he said as he pinched himself. This time nothing happened.

    Ranma was not the least bit tired, and he knew without trying that he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. He glared enviously at the soundly sleeping panda and got to his feet, grimacing as the aches and pains from the previous day's battles made themselves known once again. He stretched a bit, working out the little bit of stiffness in his joints, before he got dressed and went downstairs.

    There he found an extremely exhausted Kasumi trying desperately to wake up with a cup of tea. "Oh hello Ranma!" she said as cheerfully as she could manage while yawning.

    "Morning, Kasumi! Jeez, you look tired! How'd your date go with Dr. Tofu?"

    Kasumi laughed in spite of her self. It had been an experience. The poor dear was so nervous he almost couldn't walk. He had very nearly taken Betty the skeleton out instead of her! Then... then they had kissed. After that she was the nervous one! They laughed and talked all night. They shared stories about Ranma and his friends and some of the other things they had been through. Then she asked him what finally caused him to ask her out. And he said he had been wondering the same thing about her. They each took out the notes they received... They were both truly excellent forgeries. Nabiki really had a talent. Oh what a loving family I have! Thought Kasumi as she remembered, if only I wasn't so tired so I could fix a decent breakfast for them! "It was wonderful, Ranma, thanks for asking," She said out loud, smiling as she mumbled through the words.

    "What time did'ya get in last night?"

    "Oh about three hours ago," Kasumi responded drowsily. "Oh my! I really must get started on breakfast..." she seemed to lose consciousness for a second, "So I can... finish before the others come down." She swayed a bit as she struggled to get up from her sitting position.

    "Um... Kasumi?"

    "Yes Ranma?"

    "How about... how about I cook breakfast for a change? That way you can get some rest."

    "Y-you would do that?" Kasumi was surprised even through her stupor. She knew that Ranma could do it. Whenever he had cooked she had found that he had talent that rivaled even her own, although she would always be more experienced. The thing was, he usually only cooked when his mother was around and he was pretending to be Ranko. The only other time he had ever asked to cook was when he got that nasty knock on his head and thought he was a girl. He had always claimed it was "women's work." "Is something wrong?" Kasumi asked worriedly. She didn't think she could deal with anything that unusual today.

    "No, no I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm not about to start actin' like a girl or nothin'... it's just, well, you look so tired I'm afraid you wouldn't be much better than Akane in the kitchen, and I'm not about to ask HER to cook so...Just don't tell nobody okay?"

    "Okay," Kasumi mumbled as she staggered off to bed. She reflected on how nice Ranma was being. It was a side she wished he would show more often. Maybe then he and her sister would get along better. She really needed some sleep. It was so nice of Ranma to notice how tired she was. What she hoped he didn't notice was that she was quite a bit hung over too.

    She passed Nabiki in the hall, but was too tired to say anything. I'll have to make sure to thank her later. As she entered her room and climbed into bed she was barely aware of something being wrong. That there was something she was supposed to do. She might have realized what it was if she wasn't so worn out. Instead she yawned through another "Oh my!" and fell asleep almost before her head hit the pillow. She didn't wake up for another four hours.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Nabiki had, despite all attempts to stay asleep, gotten up early. As she entered the hallway and walked toward the washroom Nabiki passed Kasumi in the hall, but it was obvious she was too tired to say anything. I'll have to ask her how her date went later. Kasumi was evidently going back to bed. Nabiki smiled, She was probably too worn out from her date to stay up. Nabiki entered the washroom, answered a pressing call of nature, and splashed some water on her face to dispel the tendrils of sleep that had formed on her eyes from a night of wondering how her sister's date was going. Suddenly, a horrible, terrifying, and all around unpleasant question came to her mind: If Kasumi is going back to sleep... then WHO'S COOKING BREAKFAST???

    She jerked her head up with a start, completely awake now. She had to know whether to call a restaurant, or the paramedics. If no one was cooking, she knew a restaurant that would deliver. It was expensive but worth it. Just as long as Akane didn't cook. If Akane was cooking, and that was entirely possible she suddenly realized, then doom awaited everyone at the Tendo dojo!

    Nabiki sprinted quickly toward her room, careful not to make too much noise and disturb Kasumi (although she really didn't need to worry, Kasumi was out cold). Kasumi had always taken care of the culinary needs of the Tendo home without complaint. She deserved her rest this morning. Nabiki now had a mission: to make sure breakfast was served and that it was edible.

    First, though, she had to see what exactly the situation was in the kitchen. If Akane were cooking, she'd be extremely angry if Nabiki went ahead and ordered out. It would take several minutes of reasoning with the unreasonable before she would get Akane to relent. Unfortunately the kitchen was definitely NOT a safe place to be when Akane cooked. If she wanted to talk to Akane unscathed she had to know in which direction the knives were flying. Luckily, in the year or so since the Saotomes' arrival, Nabiki had amassed enough money from Ranma's frequent misadventures to pay for a highly advanced, nearly undetectable security system. A security system that could be monitored more or less completely from a small space inside Nabiki's closet. She went there now and turned on the laptop that showed the images from all the security cameras in the house.

The camera in the kitchen was angled so that a viewer wouldn't be able to see what was being cooked but could still tell what was going on. Nabiki didn't want anybody stealing Kasumi's recipes, but with the frequent appearances of Nodoka, the kitchen was one of the prime spots for action now. She didn't really intend to sell the rather embarrassing tapes of Ranma as Ranko, but she figured that if she really needed Ranma to do something... well Nabiki was never above a little blackmail to get what she wanted. She keyed up the window for the kitchen...Ranma was cooking! She watched as he picked up a bunch of pots and pans that had fallen and put them back in place. And then...Nabiki barely managed to keep her jaw from hitting the keyboard.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Ranma was a little too busy to realize her mistake. She had since changed to girl form because she found it easier to cook that way. Otoko-Ranma's longer limbs, while an asset in battle, proved to cause some clumsiness in the kitchen where Ranma was more used to the female form.

    Ranma was just about done with the spinach and rice and was ready to start on the soup, when Nabiki entered the kitchen with a very surprised look on her face... that couldn't completely hide the smirk. Ranma's going to be willing to do anything to keep this under wraps!

    Ranma stood, frozen, her eyes wide, looking more than a little like a deer suddenly realizing that it just walked out onto a major highway. Then she sighed remembering Kasumi. "Nabiki, before you get any ideas, I'm doin' this for Kasumi. You didn't see how tired she was. She could barely sit up straight! There was no way I was going to let her cook in that condition." Nabiki stared at Ranma. That last part sounded an awful lot like Nodoka. Ranma noticed too: "I mean, it ain't like she's gotten any breaks or nothin'" she recovered. There was a long pause filled with Nabiki's shocked stare "Well, if you are not going to say anything, I have got to get back to the grill or the rice will get burned."

    Nabiki squinted. She was reverting to Ranko. Nodoka was just too strict a teacher. As Onna-Ranma set about preparing the rest of breakfast she looked like any other girl. "Hey Ranko!" Nabiki called.

    Onna-Ranma turned and said with a look of mild annoyance "What is it, Nabiki, I am trying to work here." Then her eyes went wide. "Wait a minute- did you just call me-? Hey that don't mean nothin' It's just that I'm used to bein' Ranko when I'm cooking and..." she turned around and stirred the rice for a moment, as her aura suddenly grew very cold. I don't need to explain anything to her. She's part of the problem. What she says doesn't matter, I need to keep the others from knowing otherwise I might not be able to keep up the soul of ice "How much" she said quietly.

"Hmm?" Nabiki knew perfectly well what Ranma meant, but she wanted a clarification.

    "If Pops finds out about this, I'm dead. If anyone from school finds out about it, I'm REALLY dead, and if Akane finds out I did this 'cause her cooking is so terrible, she'll probably make me wish I were dead. So what do I have to do to keep you from tellin' everybody about it." Ranma took the rice off the element and started heating the water for the soup.

"About what exactly?"

Dammit she's so annoying! Calm down. Why is she annoying? She is asking about the obvious. Why would she do that? It makes no sense... unless it isn't that obvious. She heard what I said... so there must be something else. She wants to know what she can get away with., Ranma had mastered the soul of ice with great difficulty. It was hard to not care about... certain things. Once she had learned it, though it proved invaluable. Especially when Mom showed up. The increased ability to think logically was an added bonus. "About the cooking, and the Ranko thing..." Ranma said, responding to Nabiki's question ", but you know something else... don't you." Ranma turned around as she said this. She had a minute or so before she had to put ingredients in. She walked to Nabiki, who was still in the doorway, and noted the raised eyebrows "You do know something else!"

Damn, thought Nabiki, recognizing Ranma's "soul of ice" mode, ever since he learned that Hiryu Shotan Ha thing, he's been getting less and less gullible. "Yes," she said flatly, "It's not like you could keep it a secret for long, not in this house."

    "Keep what a secret?" Ranma demanded. Before Nabiki could answer, they were interrupted by a voice from the stairs.

"Morning Kasumi! I'm up a little early so I thought I'd- Nabiki? RANMA?" If someone had asked Akane which two people she would guess least likely to be standing in the kitchen doorway this early in the morning, she would have repeated those very names.

    Ranma grimaced, then spoke softly to Nabiki so Akane wouldn't hear: "She will probably figure it out anyway so tell her whatever you want, but in any case, if you want to have something other than toxic waste for breakfast you had better keep her out of the kitchen." She went back to the stove and started adding ingredients to the Miso soup, leaving Nabiki to fend for herself.

    "What's going on here? Where's Kasumi? Is Ranma COOKING? Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?" Akane was only half joking.

    "Calm down, Akane-chan, the pod people haven't gotten to me YET. As for Ranma... I'm not so sure. From what I gather, he evidently got up early this morning for some reason and he and Kasumi talked for a bit. Well Ranma noticed how tired Kasumi was so he... offered to cook breakfast." Spoken out loud, the idea of Ranma offering to cook seemed even more ridiculous. Nabiki paused for a moment, wondering again at Ranma's actions, then continued. "I saw Kasumi go back to bed and I came down here to... find out what was going on. What I found was Ranma, cooking away like he was raised in a kitchen. He even answered to Ranko once and spoke proper Japanese. Auntie Saotome must really have him whipped."

    "That's weird! But... why are you telling me all this?"

"Because, little sister, having a secret's no fun unless you tell it, and Ranma and I were about to make a deal to turn all this information classified when you came down the stairs."

    "Humph, okay. Well I guess I'll see if I can help with anything..."Akane started to enter the kitchen, but Nabiki hurriedly pulled her back.

"Eh... no."

    "What's wrong, Nabiki?" Akane asked.

    "I don't think it's a good idea for you to go in there right now," Nabiki said carefully.

"Why not?" Akane asked defensively.

    "Don't...make me answer that." The two sisters glared at each other for a moment. Akane knew why she wasn't being let into the kitchen. She was quite aware that her cooking was ...bad, but she felt she had to keep trying. Nabiki, on the other hand, understood Akane's wish to be a better cook, but wasn't too keen on the possibility of dying from one of Akane's creations. This formed a powder keg that would have ignited between them long ago if it hadn't been for-

    "That absolute, no good, dirty, rotten, perverted, JERK!" Akane was almost screaming. "I'm going to make him wish he was dead!"(Enter recognition of irony here) Nabiki saw the hammer starting to materialize in Akane's right hand as she once again headed into the kitchen.

    "Whoa, back off there, sunshine. He's almost done and there's one other thing I've got to tell you about."

    "What's that?" Akane paused, and her half-materialized hammer winked out once again into nonexistence.

    "Okay I was watching Ranma in the kitchen and-"

    "Excuse me. Since everybody is going to wake up now, we might as well go over the story we are going to tell our fathers" Onna-Ranma was back where Nabiki and Akane were standing having left the fish to cook for a while.

    Akane stared at Ranma for a moment: He really is acting weird! However Ranma was acting, though, Akane was still Akane: "What do you mean 'everybody is going to wake up'?"

    Onna-Ranma just looked at her, eyes level with Akane's, until Nabiki pointed out, "Well you've got to admit, sis, you WERE pretty loud when you were screaming bloody murder just now."

"Right." Onna-Ranma said, breaking her staring contest with Akane, her aura warming somewhat. "Now, Pops can't know I've been cookin' or he'll go ballistic. So what I'm gonna tell him is that I came down here when Kasumi was just about finished and-"

    "Uh... Ranma" Akane interrupted, pointing over Onna-Ranma's left shoulder.

    "What!" She was a little annoyed at being stopped in the middle of explaining what she had thought to be a pretty good plan... and then she turned around.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    If there was one thing Happosai had taught Genma well, it was stealth. He had managed to sneak past Nabiki and Akane with ease and almost went undetected, but all the stealth in the world won't make up for stupidity. When his son started talking he crept round the corner, now in full view to see what was going on Fade into the woodwork, that's the ticket! Akane of course had no trouble seeing a full-grown panda regardless of how much said panda was trying to look inconspicuous.

    Onna-Ranma saw her father. It was all over. "Ohhhh... uh... Hi!... er... Oh!... Ohayo Pops! Gotta get going... the soup..." she trailed off as she ran into the kitchen to check on the soup. So much for the soul of ice. It had pretty much fizzled out at that point. Nabiki was right: you couldn't really keep a secret long in the Tendo Dojo. Even, as Ranma would soon find out, secrets you didn't know you had...

    Genma, being unable to talk, was silent as Nabiki explained what Ranma had done, leaving out the Ranko business and the part that Ranma and Akane evidently didn't know yet. After hearing it, Genma was still a little worried, but he was also...proud.

    After a while Nabiki walked in the kitchen and noticed the teakettle full of water being heated on the stove. It was time to find out for sure if Ranma knew or not.

    "What's that for?" Nabiki asked innocently pointing to the kettle. Ranma gave her a quizzical look. "It heats water, you know, like for tea and changin' back into a guy and so on. Did Akane throw you into the koi pond or somethin'?" Getting thrown into the koi pond had become the favored explanation for odd behavior in the Tendo home, and Nabiki not knowing something that Ranma did would certainly be considered odd.

    He doesn't know... or maybe..."So you can only do it one way?"

    "Do what? Nabiki, you ain't makin' any sense!" Onna-Ranma gingerly felt the side of the kettle, decided it was warm enough, and raised it into position.

    "You're not telling me something," Nabiki accused.

    "I don't know what you're talkin' about," Ranma said as he poured the kettle's contents onto his head.

    Nabiki stared. It was true, he wasn't telling her something, but the reason he wasn't telling her was that he didn't know about it himself. <Not only does he not know, He's completely oblivious! > "Ranma baby, after school I'm going to show you something, and you're going to want to bring cash."

    Ranma grew pale. He knew from experience it would be in his best interests to follow Nabiki's "advice". "Sure thing, that is, if Pops hasn't disowned me by then."

    A paw grabbed Ranma's shoulder. He absently handed the teakettle to his father who promptly emptied it on his head. "Don't worry, son, I won't disown you." Genma had caught the tail end of the conversation once again, but for once, he was right on time.

    Ranma was shocked. That statement was the closest his father had ever come to saying that he loved him. It was even better than ten years ago, when he had said, "Maybe you're not so pathetic!" "But...but cooking... it's women's work and I have to be a man among men and..."

    "Cooking is a very useful skill on the field, boy, As long as it doesn't interfere with your martial arts... I see nothing... wrong with it. In fact, once you and Akane are married, knowing how to cook may mean the difference between life and death..." Ranma glanced around when his father made that remark, but Akane was gone. Damn! She's never around when someone else makes a mistake!

    "No," Genma continued, further cheered that Ranma hadn't reacted to the marriage reference "I'm not going to disown you. I'm proud of you boy. This morning you fulfilled a debt of honor. That girl Kasumi has helped the Tendos and us without any thanks. Helping her out if anything proves that you are a man among men and I think your mother would agree with me on this."

    Ranma could barely contain himself "You mean I can see my mother... as a guy?!"

    "No,” Genma shook his head sadly, “She wouldn't understand your curse, but if she could, I'm sure she'd agree."

    Ranma deflated a little at that. "But... I can cook... whenever I want to?"

"As long as it doesn't interfere with your martial arts training...yes." Ranma couldn't remember a time when he had been happier. Ranma had secretly felt that the only thing he was any good at aside from martial arts was cooking, and now he could do both with his father's approval! Ranma had always worked for his father's approval, and even after all Genma put him through it still meant a lot. A huge smile broke out on his face and he yelled out the first thing that came to his mind: "Yaa paa paa!"

~~~~~*~~~~~

    Akane turned to her older sister as she walked out to begin her morning jog: "What does that mean?"

    Nabiki shrugged: "Beats me." Akane stood in the doorway looking thoughtful for a moment before she left. "Hey, wait a minute don't you want to know..." Akane was gone. Oh well, Nabiki thought No one's paid me yet. Might as well keep this a secret for a while.

~~~~~*~~~~~

    "Prepare yourself, boy! You must continue your training!" Genma, resplendent in his white gi took his stance beside the koi pond.

    Ranma had stopped wearing a gi during his workouts a while back. Most of the time, he wore his black Chinese pants and a tank top. He was usually late for school, and it was quicker to just put the over shirt on rather than change out of a gi. He kicked his father into the pond. "Hey I'm all for training, Pops but couldn't we do this later? I mean what if Akane walks into the kitchen while I'm not there?"

    The panda walked out of the pond holding a sign “The life of a martial artist is fraught with perils,” it said. With that, Genma leapt toward Ranma and the two exchanged a flurry of kicks and punches.

    Some time later Akane came back from her jog. "Hey Ranma! You busy? I'll check the soup for you!" She ran into the house.

    A young man and a panda paused in their sparring and looked at each other. Then they looked at the shorthaired girl entering the house. The panda lifted a sign: “Go, son, before it's too late!”

    Ranma ran into the house. Luckily Nabiki was still running interference. "Hey look at this, Akane-chan," Nabiki was saying to her sister as Ranma came into the room. She was pointing to a finance magazine she had been reading. "It looks like stock in United Concrete Inc. has gone up since last month. You think you might have anything to with that?"

"Very funny, Nabiki. Oh hello Ranma you're done sparring already?"

    "Er.. yeah." Behind Akane, Nabiki was making circular motions and mouthing something... sa..ra? Huh? Dishes? Ohhhhh! "Hey Akane! Why don't you set the table while I get everything ready and heat some water up for Pops."

    "Okay!" Ranma ASKED me to help! Wait a minute... he probably just didn't want me in the kitchen that JERK! Grimacing now, Akane started preparing the table. "Well, I guess Daddy didn't wake up after all!" she said to Nabiki in an attempt to gain some satisfaction from Ranma being wrong.

    "Oh he came down. He went off to the dojo to meditate." Nabiki stated matter-of-factly as she put her magazine away and started helping Akane out of sheer boredom.

    "You don't think it's because of-"

    "When is it not?" the mood was suddenly serious. A moment passed, then a large panda walked in the room and headed toward the kitchen. If you've seen a panda then you know that despite being very large, they don't seem very threatening. They look like gigantic black and white teddy bears. With silly little tails.

    Akane started laughing, and Nabiki followed. “What's so funny?” the panda signed. The girls laughed even harder. Genma growfed grumpily and went into the kitchen.

    Nabiki suddenly stopped, her smile sad now. "You know, there won't always be a panda to lighten the mood."

    "Oh, Nabiki, you're no fun" Akane said brightly as she put the last plate on the table.

    "Me? I'm loads of fun!" Nabiki countered pulling a camera from beside her and snapping a picture of Akane's smile, "I'm having fun right now!"

    "Gimme that!" Akane said as she snatched the camera out of Nabiki's hands and took a few of Nabiki. They were both laughing when their father walked in. "Morning! How are you feeling?" Akane greeted him.

    Soun Tendo loved his daughters very much. His face was filled with a warm, loving smile as he looked at his youngest daughter, always ready to fight for those she cared about. He held that smile as he gazed proudly at his second youngest daughter, who would someday be a successful businesswoman. His face went slack and his mouth became a tight straight line when he realized his eldest daughter was missing. "Where's Kasumi," he demanded.

    "Relax, Daddy. She went back to sleep. She had a LONG night last night" Nabiki explained with a smile.

    Mr. Tendo was visibly relieved. "Oh yes... her...date." This brought on some Tendo waterworks: "My daughters are growing up!" Then he stopped suddenly. He looked at the food on the table. He managed not to look at Akane. "Heh heh heh so... who cooked?" He tried to sound as innocent as possible.

    "I did!" exclaimed Ranma, entering from the kitchen followed by his father.

"Ranma? You cooked?"

"Yep yep yeppity yep yep yep! It was me. I made breakfast. Hope you like it."

    Soun looked confused for just a moment, then relaxed. He had seen too many strange things in his life to be troubled too much by such a relatively small thing as...Ranma is cooking!? He looked confused again. Well, I guess the food will be edible enough. "Very well then... let's eat."

    With that the Tendos and the Saotomes ate, and for a moment things seemed almost normal. Almost. There were two remarkable differences. First, Kasumi was not there. She was missed. Not just because everyone was curious as to how her evening with Dr. Tofu had gone either. The breakfast table was often used as a place to discuss problems, and Kasumi had always found a way to put them in a better light. Ranma might be complaining about Ryoga trying to fight him all the time and she would say something like "Oh sometimes friends just disagree" and the situation wouldn't seem nearly as bad. It was the same with every other problem the Tendos or Saotomes had. Even if Kasumi's comments were unrealistically optimistic, more often then not, they helped whoever was having the problem immensely. Without her there, breakfast was uncomfortably quiet.

    The other difference was that it was Ranma's food they were eating. Ranma had cooked before, but always with Nodoka or Kasumi's help. Ranma cooked this without any assistance, and with each bite everyone was more surprised at how good it was.

    "Got to admit, Ranma..." Nabiki paused as she chewed her food, "This isn't half bad"...and I didn't have to spend 30,000 yen on delivery!

    "Thanks, Nabiki!" Ranma was surprised to receive a compliment from the ice queen.

    "Don't mention it."

    There was a long silence as everyone ate. After a while, Soun, having eaten a little of everything passed his judgment. "Yes, this is pretty good. Kasumi didn't help you with this?"

    "Actually she helped me a lot. I probably wouldn't have been able to make it if it hadn't been for her. But this morning I cooked. By myself" Ranma smiled widely as he said the last part. His breakfast was on a par with Kasumi's! He didn't even realize how modest he was being.

    Genma actually paused in his inhalation of food to say, "well done, boy." This was too much. Something bad simply had to happen. Ranma's eyes strayed to the other empty place at the table. A certain wrinkly, hyperactive and hyper-perverted senior citizen was due to make an appearance any minute now. Ranma didn't let it get to him. He was too happy. Nabiki, Tendo-san, and even Pops had said how good his cooking was. In fact the only one who hadn't said anything was...

    Akane was fuming. Oh sure! Everyone just LOVES Ranma's food! MY food is toxic waste, but not RANMA's. Oh and let's not forget he's cuter than I am, HE can swim and HE'S a WAY better martial artist. He's a MUCH better daughter than I am...AND HE'S A BOY!!! It's not fair, it's not fair, IT'S NOT FAIR!! Akane's battle aura was blood red and whipping about her head like a silk sheet in a tornado.

"Um...Akane?" Ranma asked cautiously.

    "WHAT." Akane replied furiously.

    "Is... something wrong?"

    "Oh NOTHING..." Akane answered in a manner similar to what the devil might sound like if someone said something bad about its mother, "You'll make a good wife someday, RanKO!"

    Everyone stared at Akane, except Akane, of course, who was glaring at Ranma, seeing how he would respond. Akane's eyes grew wide as saucers. Before anybody could say anything, they heard a familiar cry. "SWEETO!" Happosai practically flew form some unseen corner of the room and onto Ranma's chest.

    "Get offa me ya old coot!" Onna-Ranma exclaimed as she dropkicked the perverted master through the newly installed trapdoor in the ceiling. Nabiki absently noted that that had been a solid investment after all. Ranma shuddered. She always felt weird whenever he did that, and recently she had been having the feeling longer, and longer.

    Now everyone was staring at Ranma, except for Ranma who was looking at Akane to see if she was still angry. To Ranma's relief, shock and astonishment eclipsed her previous feelings of rage and hate. "Why'dya call me that, Akane? You know that's a low blow. And why do ya look so surprised all of a sudden?" Ranma noticed that everyone else looked the same way too. "Uh...why do ALL of you look so surprised all of a sudden?" Actually, by that time, Nabiki had stopped looking surprised. She knew about it already after all, but it was still hard to believe. Ranma didn't notice this, but she did notice Genma's expression turn from one of shock to one of grim seriousness.

    "How long have you been able to this, b-Ranma?"

    "What?" Genma didn't answer. Ranma tried for the last strange thing that happened. "Do you mean how long have I able to change?" Genma gave a small nod. Ranma gave him a confused look, "Since Jusenkyo, Pops, you remember. We both fell in the springs? You fell in the Panda spring and I fell into Nyannichuan." Ranma tried to stop there but couldn't help it. "Verrry tragic story of young girl who drown there one-thousand five hundred year ago."

    Ranma realized her father was still glowering. "Come on, did Happosai glomp me into some sorta parallel universe or somethin'? When we get doused with cold water we turn into our cursed forms. Hot water turns us back."

    "Ranma..." Nabiki interjected

    "What."

    "Do you need a towel?"

    "No, what would I need a towel...for." Onna-Ranma suddenly realized that aside from the residual dampness from the hot kettle water, she was completely dry. She had changed forms without water. "I... Why am I... What the hell's goin' on?"

    "We were kinda wondering the same thing." Nabiki offered.

    "I must be dreaming!" Ranma said as she pinched herself, but except for the small pain, nothing happened.

~~~~~[END]~~~~~
    End notes:

    It gets weirder.

    Thanks to John C Watson who pointed out some of the problems with the original.

    C+C welcome.

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