The Way the Crumble Cookies
Fit in the first: Six Impossible Things
By Zorknot
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ranma1/2, Love Hina, or the
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. This is done without permission
and without profit for the sole purpose of educating the masses
about the health benefits of tea and cookies.
NOTE: I decided I would have a crack at the old Ranma
solves everything genre. Rather than agonize over how
to do it I just wrote whatever came to mind that
seemed to make some sense. As a result this probably
won't make any sense:-)
"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six
impossiblethings before breakfast!"
-The Red Queen fr. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis
Carrol
"If you've done six impossible things this morning, why
not round it off with breakfast at Milliways the
Restaurant at the End of the Universe!"
-fr. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
In case you don't know... the kanji for the the first part
of Ranma's name (Ran) means Chaos and the first part
of Genma name (Gen) the meaning is Darkness (or at
least that's my understanding)
~~~~~[BEGIN]~~~~~
“eeeYAH” Ranma-chan screamed, her voice reverberating through
the house.
Nabiki climbed out her bed, bleary eyed. Ranma and his father
must have been sparring early again. She wondered idly what
Ranma had done wrong this time. There was no point in trying to
go back to sleep. Even though it was Saturday and there was
absolutely no good reason for anyone to be up at...Nabiki checked
the digital alarm clock next to her bed...5:33 in the morning.
Nabiki gave a slight moan, staggered to her feet, and stretched her
arms. She plodded downstairs, past the kitchen, past the dinner
table where Kasumi was sitting with a cup of tea, to the bathroom.
Eight people, one toilet, Nabiki mused. It was amazing everyone
got along as well as they did.
Nabiki thought about it as she entered the inner bathroom and got
ready for what was probably going to be a long day. Eight people.
The Saotomes, Aunty included were in the guest room at least until
their house could be repaired. Happosai was taking up the largest
room in the house with his panty collection even while he was
recovering in the hospital, and then there was Daddy, her two
sisters, and herself...and no one was paying rent!
Bills were skyrocketing, stocks were plummeting, and on top of it
all Ranma and his father just HAD to get up early to train. Nabiki
splashed some water on her face and composed herself.
“EEEeeeeYAH!” a voice screamed from the koi pond. It wasn’t
Ranma though, it was Akane. The scream was punctuated by a
sound of breaking wood.
Evidently Akane had opted for training with Ranma instead of
going on her usual morning jog. Somehow this made Nabiki even
more irritated. Ranma and Akane blamed Nabiki for the failed
wedding, and maybe they were right, but it was their fault too for
being so idiotic. Ranma calling Akane names and Akane hitting
Ranma so much...Everything would go so much better if they’d
just wake up and realize they love each other. Fat chance of that
happening though.
“Die, you murderous BITCH!” Akane screamed again and another
piece of wood broke and thumped to the ground.
“Okay,” Nabiki spoke to her bedraggled reflection in the mirror,
“now I HAVE to see what’s going on.” Nabiki smiled. She knew
just the thing to take her mind off her troubles. It was time to take
some pictures. Maybe she could even doctor them so it looked like
Ranma and Akane were doing something naughty.
Nabiki grabbed her camera and walked toward the front porch. She
stopped at the dinner table where Kasumi sat. “Ohayo ‘neechan,”
she greeted.
“Ohayo, Nabiki-chan!”
“They wake you up too?” Nabiki asked gesturing toward the koi
pond. Ranma and Akane still couldn’t be seen through the right
wall though.
“No, actually the hospital called. I was just having a cup of tea
before I started breakfast.”
“What did they have to say?”
“Oh Grandfather Happosai is coming out of his coma! He’s still
very weak, but they say that with his constitution he should be on
his feet again in about a week.”
“A week? Not longer? I was just getting used to him not being
here...”
“Nabiki! That’s not very nice! It could have very easily have been
Ranma or Akane or any one of us who opened that gift!”
Nabiki was about to respond when she remembered who she was
talking to. She would not win this argument. Besides Kasumi was
right. It could have very easily have been Nabiki herself who
opened the wedding gift. She would have had to eventually check
the gifts to see if anything was worth keeping or selling, and the
idea that there might be a concentrated poison gas in one of them
would not have crossed her mind either. She had no idea the
fiancees were that dangerous. That’s what she kept telling herself
anyway.
“Would you like a cookie, Nabiki-chan?” Kasumi asked with a
smile. There was a plate of them in front of her now and Nabiki
could swear there wasn’t before. “They’re fresh.”
“No thanks, Kasumi.”
“eeee SATZ!” BANG CRACK thud! Akane broke another piece of
wood.
“How long have they been at it?” Nabiki asked.
“Hmm?” Kasumi had just taken a bite of one of her cookies. She
swallowed and sipped her tea before answering. “Oh...about an
hour I guess. They’re getting along so well!”
That response from Kasumi could, of course, mean any number of
things. Nabiki simply nodded and went outside.
Nabiki lifted her camera to her face so she could click off a shot
before Ranma or Akane realized she was there. What she saw
through her lens almost made her forget to press the button.
“That was great!” Ranma said approaching Akane from the side of
the house. “You’re gonna nail that bitch!” then, as if their lips were
powerful magnets they fell into each other and kissed powerfully.
They were two starved animals, devouring each other for
sustenence. They were also both girls.
Click SHASHIN! Went Nabiki’s camera once she regained motor
control.
Akane and Ranma finally released each other once they heard the
camera. “Nabiki!” Akane yelled.
Nabiki just grabbed the picture from the slot as it came out. This
one picture could put me through four years of college!
“You’d better give us at least ten percent on the profits of that
picture,” Akane demanded.
“Hey yeah, that’s right! We oughta get paid somethin!” Ranma
agreed.
Nabiki said nothing. Akane had just demanded something...and
Ranma agreed.
Something was very wrong.
Nabiki just nodded numbly at their request. “Ten percent...sure.”
Ranma snapped her fingers and pointed. “Hey, Nabiki! Maybe you
could help us out!”
“You want my help?”
“We want to get back at Kodachi and maybe some other people
while were at it,” Akane explained, “We could really use some
strategy. Do you think you could help us?”
Nabiki had invited Kodachi and the others, it was true...but she had
invited them because she had thought that the event needed
witnesses, and because she could get some money from it. She
hadn’t taken the psychosis factor into account. She was just as
angry at the interlopers as Ranma and Akane appeared to be.
Maybe more. The prospect of revenge made Nabiki smile and
forget for a moment how weird Ranma and Akane were acting.
“Sure, little sister, I’ll be happy to help. I’ll even do it for free.”
“Really? Great!” Akane exclaimed. “Oh! I almost forgot! Ranma
and I are getting married tomorrow.”
Nabiki did not manage to close her jaw until Kasumi called for
breakfast a good half hour later.
~~~~~*~~~~~
The day after the second wedding, which was held privately with
only Ranma and Akane’s immediate family in attendance, Ranma
and Akane were on their way to school. Ranma could see Shampoo
coming from a mile away. He dodged her bicycle of death easily
and made sure he was between her and Akane.
“Airen go on date with Shampoo yes?”
“Sure, Shampoo, but only if my wife comes with us,”
“What you mean ‘wife?’”
“Akane and I are married. I’d still like to be friends and lunch
sounds great. Why don’t you bring Mousse and we’ll do a double
date?” Ranma smiled. His eyes were issuing a challenge though.
“Ranma no BAKA!” Akane’s mallet hit Ranma’s head
unexpectedly.
“Oooph! Gomen! Is that okay with you, Akane?”
Akane smiled and retracted her mallet. “Sure Ranma sounds good.
How about you
Shampoo?”
Shampoo looked extremely worried. “But…but…Ranma
Shampoo’s airen! Is Chinese Amazon law!”
Ranma sighed, “I guess that’s a ‘no’ then?”
“If Akane Airen’s wife then Shampoo must kill!” Shampoo got
into a fighting stance.
“Shampoo...stop this. I know you can’t kill Akane. It just ain’t in
ya. You’re a good person. In another life...maybe it would have
worked between us, but I love Akane, not you.”
Shampoo shook her head, moisture welling in her eyes. “No!
Ranma already Shampoo husband! No can marry Violent Girl!”
Ranma put a hand on Shampoo’s quivering shoulder. “Shampoo,
in that case I want ya ta do somethin for me.”
“What Ranma want?”
“I want a divorce.”
The Amazon looked up at Ranma stunned, “Ranma no love
Shampoo?”
“Not the way you want me too.”
“If Ranma want divorce, must talk with Grandmother...” She said
sullenly. “Why not ask for one before? Why lead Shampoo on!”
“Wait a minute,” Akane interjected, “You mean all Ranma had to
do was ask for a divorce and you would have gone away?”
Shampoo nodded. “It make no sense no have divorce. What if
mans impotent? Or too weak? Or slow in head? If no have divorce,
warrior stuck. You no know this?”
Ranma’s eyes thinned, “Hey! Wait a minute what are ya tryin’
ta...”
Akane elbowed her husband in the ribs.
“Ugh...er I mean...So you’ll give me a divorce? Just like that?”
Ranma asked.
Cologne hopped over the fence and between Ranma and Shampoo.
“It must be cleared with me first.”
“Cologne-sama...” Ranma bowed, “I’m sorry for treatin ya like
crap, I don’t know if I ever thanked ya for all the help ya gave me;
so I’m thankin ya now.” Ranma bowed again. “ I wish things could
be different, but I just ain’t got any feelins for Shampoo.”
Cologne appeared taken aback. “Son-in-law...I see you have
matured since last I saw you. So you accept that you are married to
Shampoo?”
“Akane?” Ranma looked to his wife who shrugged. “Um, yeah I
guess, as long as I can get a divorce.”
Cologne smiled. “Ranma, do you realize this is all I ever wanted
you to do?”
“Huh?”
“You see, you are an Amazon now by marriage. Even after
divorcing Shampoo, you shall remain part of our tribe. It is only
because of this that I can teach you our ways. But it was not
official until you accepted Shampoo as your wife.”
“Why didn’t ya tell me that before!”
Cologne looked confused, then turned to her great-granddaughter
while still balancing on her cane. “You didn’t tell him of our
laws?”
Shampoo shook her head. “Shampoo tell! But...Shampoo no so
good at Japanese. Shampoo give Ranma book of Amazon law.
Figure he read rest.”
Cologne smiled, “No wonder you were so adamant about not
marrying her! It all makes sense now! And here I thought you were
deliberately insulting my heritage...Ha! In all my years...” the
Great Elder cackled.
“Um, Cologne? Didn’t you teach Ryoga the Bakusai Tenketsu?”
Akane mentioned.
“Well yes, child of course.”
“But he isn’t an Amazon, and I thought you said...”
“Oh, that technique is a secret of the Bayankala range, not
necessarily of the Amazons in particular. It’s mostly used by
miners to get to the iron deposits in the mountains.” Cologne
waved off Akane’s comment. “Besides, I was trying to show Mr.
No Commitment here what we Amazons had to offer.”
Ranma smiled and scratched the back of his head, “So all this was
just a big misunderstanding!”
“It appears that way, Son-in-law.”
“And I can divorce Shampoo and there’ll be no problem right?”
“Hmm, there is one problem,” Cologne replied somberly.
“Huh?”
“Shampoo must give her consent. We are a matriarchal society
after all.”
“DAMMIT! YOU TRICKED ME!” Ranma grabbed Cologne’s
collar and cocked his right fist back for a strike.
“Ranma, stop!” Shampoo yelled.
Ranma whipped his head to the younger Amazon. “What is it,
Shampoo?”
“Shampoo give divorce. Shampoo no want marriage without love.
Shampoo thought...but it no matter what Shampoo thought. Was
wrong. Only wish Shampoo see sooner.”
Ranma released Cologne and coughed. “Erm... sorry about that.”
He said to the irritated looking old woman.
Cologne whacked him on the head with her cane. “Don’t let it
happen again.”
“There just one thing before give up marriage.” Shampoo stepped
close to Ranma and put her hands on either side of his head,
turning it so that Ranma and her were looking into each other’s
eyes for a brief electric moment. “Wo de Airen” she said, and
kissed the pigtailed boy.
This wasn’t the kiss of death. This wasn’t the kiss of marriage.
This kiss was a kiss of hunger, of need, of voraciousness. Ranma
found himself melting into it before he could think to stop. Akane,
for her part, was caught between wanting to beat one or both of the
participants...and taking notes.
Finally Shampoo disengaged from Ranma’s face and said. “Ranma
do what want. Shampoo no care.”
Ranma stared at her dumbfounded.
Cologne raised an eyebrow, smiling mischievously. “Are you sure
you want a divorce? Polygamy is not illegal in Nyuuchezu you
know.”
Ranma was silent for a moment longer his mouth and eyes open
wide. Finally though, he shook it off. “No. It ain’t right. My heart
belongs ta Akane and no one else. It wouldn’t be fair ta her OR
Shampoo. I’m sorry, but I still want a divorce.”
“Very well. By the power vested in me by the Amazons of
Nyuuchezu, I now pronounce you divorced.” Cologne smiled.
“Heh. I guess it’s kinda like a backwards weddin ain’t it?”
“Then maybe you’ll agree to make some vows?”
“Um, okay.”
“Do you swear to protect the well being of the Amazon nation in
times of hardship and to follow the ideals of womankind as long as
you remain alive?”
“I ain’t so sure about that last part...”
“A simple yes or no will suffice.”
“Alright. I do.” Ranma smirked.
“And Akane, do you agree to protect your husband and the well
being of the Amazon nation in times of hardship and to follow the
ideals of womankind as long as you remain living?”
Akane blinked, not expecting this. “Um...sure...I do.”
“Great. Now I don’t have to kill you both” Cologne said with a
slight chuckle.
Ranma and Akane somehow didn’t find it all that funny.
“Come, Shampoo, we have a business to run” Cologne called to
her great-granddaughter who complied woodenly.
“Sayonara, Cologne-sama,” Ranma bowed, “I learned a lot from
you, and don’t worry I ain’t gonna blab about any Amazon
techniques.”
Cologne turned around on her stick. “Why ‘sayonara’ former son-
in-law? I’ll be seeing you and your wife again soon enough. Your
training is just beginning!” And with that she bounded off,
Shampoo close behind.
Akane and Ranma shared a mutual shudder at that before starting
once more toward the school.
“Akane,” Ranma said after a few awkward moments of silence. “I
want ya ta hit me. Right now, REALLY hard.”
“Why?”
“Shampoo...she was very...convincing”
Akane snapped her fingers. “Oh that’s right! I almost forgot.” A
mallet materialized in her hand and she lifted it up for a swing.
“RANMA NO BAKA!!!!” Hard wood met hard head with a
satisfying thud.
“OW! DAMMIT! Eager ta please, aintcha?” Ranma rubbed his
head ruefully. “Thanks though Akane. I think I needed that.”
Ranma looked back over his shoulder. “Do you think she’ll be
alright?”.
“I’m sure she’ll be fine. As long as she has someone she can talk
to. I remember when I realized I could never be with Tofu…It’ll be
rough but she’ll get over it I’m sure.”
“Heh, I guess you’re right.” Ranma said thinking. A splash of
water hit his side changing him from male to female. Ranma
turned to see the ladle lady. “Good mornin!” She said sunnily.
"Good morning, dear," the old woman replied. "Sorry
if I splashed you, I'm afraid I've been almost
completely blind since the eighties. Would you like
some tea? I always keep some hot water handy, you
know."
"Oh that's okay. I'm running a little late, but maybe
some other
time." Ranma and Akane started to walk on.
"Wait!" The woman squinted, "Is one of you Ranma?"
Ranma and Akane turned around. "Um...yeah. I'm
Ranma," Ranma replied.
"And you have a Jusenkyo curse. Is that right?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh thank goodness! I've been trying to get your
attention for a year now! I have something for you!"
“Well I guess that solves that mystery!” Akane
exclaimed with a laugh.
"Huh? What is it?"
The woman hobbled into her house and was gone for a
minute. Just when Ranma and Akane were about to
leave, she came out with an envelope. "I found it!
The guide over at Jusenkyo is an old friend of mine.
In my younger days I helped him out of a few
predicaments. He was a...curious little boy, you
know. I was only in China a few years, but I learned
a lot."
"Heh, its hard to think of the Guide as a kid..."
Ranma thought.
"Even so, he was one once. Did you know he was once
cursed?"
"No...I didn't."
"Indeed, he was cursed with the most vile, most evil
curse in the whole of Jusenkyo."
"What was it?" Akane asked.
The old lady turned to Akane, her eyes not quite
meeting Akane's due to her blindness. She bowed her
head down in severity as she uttered the name of that
most horrid spring. "Ashikaibuchuan," the lady said,
"Spring of Drowned Tentacle Monster."
"No way!" Akane exclaimed.
Ranma snorted, "Well, it can't have been much worse
than if there was a spring of drowned Happosai."
"I assure you, young one, it was bad enough." The
woman said somberly. "After I cured him, the boy
swore to study the springs and make it his life's
work to keep as many people from falling in as
possible. That is how he became the man you know as
the Jusenkyo Guide. He has since told me in his
letters that this is impossible, but that he still
tries to help out those who are cursed. "
"Wow! I never knew that about him!" Ranma exclaimed.
Ranma glanced around the street nervously "We better
get goin, ne Akane?" Ranma nudged her wife. She
turned to the woman, "We'll talk later maybe, Right
now we’re runnin a little late."
"Wait," Akane frowned, "Did you say you cured him?"
she asked the ladle lady.
"Yes, of course I cured him! I was thirty-five and he
was only ten. It was just wrong for a relationship
like that to...nevermind." The old woman blushed, and
Ranma and Akane tried not to look too disgusted.
Akane shook her head free of the image. "No I mean,
honestly, you can cure Jusenkyo curses?"
"Oh did I forget to tell you? I'm something of an
herbalist. I specialize in curses. I traveled around
the world, which wasn't easy for a girl back then.
There was a small nomadic tribe I studied with that
lived near the boarder between the U.S.S.R. and
China. Interesting people really. They believe that
we are all animals like any other and that the gods
are hunting us, but since we can think as they do and
also as an animal does, they can't find us as easily.
When we are struck by a disease, or a natural
accident, or a curse, then one of the gods has found
us and only time will tell if we will manage to
escape."
"What does that have to do with Jusenkyo?" Akane
asked a little confused.
"Oh nothing really."
Akane's eyebrow twitched. "Then WHY did you MENTION
it?" She smiled, "If you don't mind my asking."
"Aw come on, Akane, we're late already and...I'm
sorry what was your name?"
"Hishaku Fujin" the ladle lady informed Ranma with a
slight bow.
"Thanks. Hishaku-san is probably tired anyway so we
should go," Ranma was smiling nervously.
"Oh I'm not tired at all," Hishaku smiled, "I've
actually been wanting to talk to you for some time.
You see, when I arrived in the Quanghai region of the
Bayankala mountains and had my first meeting with
Gurei Pu, that's the guide's name, I immediately
wanted to see if there was some way to cure him..."
Hishaku paused just long enough for Akane and Ranma
to remember what form Gurei Pu turned into and then
continued. "I was rummaging through my wares, trying
to find anything that might work, when I found one of
the two remaining Spirit Pills."
"Spirit Pills?" Akane asked.
"Remember those Gypsies I was telling you about?"
"Yes?" Akane was somewhat distracted by Ranma’s
nervous movements. Either she had to pee or she
really didn’t want to be here.
"Well they created two pillars of medical knowledge,
based on their philosophy. The first was composed of
the God-thinkers, who would study nature and invent
new remedies for ailments. They also studied the mind
to the point where they could tell just by having a
conversation with you what your path in life would
be."
"So basically they could read minds," Ranma
translated.
"Yes...I guess you could say they could..." Hishaku
said as if considering it for the first time.
"What was the other pillar, Hishaku-san?" Akane
asked.
"The other pillar was made up of the Animal-thinkers,
who studied primitive feelings and instincts. The
animal speakers would hold an elaborate ceremony
called the 'unnaming' where adolescents coming into
adulthood and new members of the caravan would be
stripped of their names and possessions and cast into
the forest for a year. When they came back they were
given a new name and a new position in the caravan.
The Animal-thinkers were the hunters and the people
who did the manual labor. While there was some
tension between them and the God-thinkers at times,
most of the time they coexisted peacefully."
"Heh, how'd they manage that?" Ranma asked.
"Well, the God-thinkers didn't have to work as hard,
but the Animal-thinkers had better parties."
Akane crossed her arms. "And what does this have to
do with my husband's curse?"
"I'm getting to that. There was one very special
ceremony performed whenever a member of the caravan
became ill and the God-speakers could not figure out
why. It required active participation by both the
God-speakers and the Animal-speakers. The animal-
speakers would dance around the patient lulling him
or her into a half-sleep. Then a God-speaker would
give the patient a powerful broth that lowered ki to
the levels of an insect or a worm. The Animal-
speakers would then each place a hand on the
patient's forehead, transferring part of their ki to
the patient until they woke up. Their idea was that
an illness without a known cause had to be a curse
and that in order for a curse to thrive it had to
have human ki. So if they reduced someone's ki
temporarily to that of a simple organism, the curse
would dissipate."
"Fascinating. Whatever happened to them?" Akane asked
“I don’t know...They’re gypsies, so I imagine they’re
still around somewhere. But as to where I do not have
a clue.”
“Hey ya know? That’s too bad. Neat story, though. My
wife and I have school...”
Akane bonked Ranma on the head with her mallet.
“Ranma! Stop that!” Akane put her mallet away and
looked at Ranma in concern. “What is with you? You’re
acting...ruder than usual.”
Ranma sighed. She turned to Hishaku, “Alright. I’m
sorry Hishaku-sensei.” Ranma bowed, “Please tell me
‘bout Jusenkyo and what this Spirit thingummy has ta
do with the curses.”
“Of course dear.” Hishaku paused for a moment,
staring into space. Then she said, “You two are good
for each other, you’ll go far in this universe.”
“Huh?” Akane and Ranma asked in unison.
The old lady chuckled and waved her comment away,
“Forgive an old woman her conceits. Yes, young ones,
I will tell you of Jusenkyo. I lived in that region
for several years studying its magic, its effect on
different creatures... You know Jusenkyo is almost a
litmus test for ki?”
“Why would a ki wanna test its lit mousse?”
“No, dear. Ki as in the energy, not the tree. A
litmus test is how you measure the acidity or
causticity of a solution...” Hishaku couldn’t see
anything other than a blur, but she could swear she
FELT the red-head’s eyes crossing.
“Ranma,” Akane said after Hishaku trailed off, “You
know how you break a board or a block of concrete to
see if you can break a bone in a fight?”
“Yeah?”
“A litmus test is kind of like that.”
“Oh...” Ranma turned to Hishaku, “So yer sayin ya can
use Jusenkyo ta see if somethin has ki or not.”
“Yes. Of course all things have some ki but in more
complex creatures the ki is more concentrated.”
Ranma looked to Akane.
“More of it’s heaped in one place, Ranma.”
Ranma nodded in understanding and returned her
attention to Hishaku.
“Yes. I’m sure you’ve noticed that you don’t need as
much water to change if you pour it on your head?”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“That’s because your head is one location where
there’s a larger concen—where more of the ki is
heaped up.”
“Oh! You mean like Chakras!” Ranma exclaimed, “Sure I
know ‘bout those. Yeah I figured the curse had
somethin to do with the chakras seein as I can dip my
entire arm in water and still not change.”
Hishaku nodded. “There’s not enough ki for the water to
react with. That’s why when insects or fish or even small
amphibians fall into Jusenkyo, nothing happens.
Akane’s eyes lit up. “So the spirit pill...it cures the curse by
lowering a person’s Ki!”
“Precisely.”
“And that’s what’s in that envelope?”
“Yes.”
“Ranma! This is your cure! It’s been right here all along!” Akane
was practically jumping up and down with enthusiasm.
Ranma sighed, “Figures.”
“Ranma, why aren’t you happy about this?”
“I don’t know. Why are you happy about it?” Ranma quipped.
“Baka! I love you! I know you’ve wanted a cure more than
anything!”
Ranma turned to Akane and kissed quickly but passionately on the
lips. “I don’t need it,” She said afterwards, “...unless you changed
your mind?”
“No, Ranma...I haven’t. I’m sorry...I didn’t realize...”
“Hishaku-san,” Ranma addressed the ladle lady, “I’m sorry but I
can’t take this. I know of at least three people who need it more’n
me.”
Hishaku nodded, “Yes...but you see that is exactly why I must give
it to you. I can’t reach these people. Please take it and allow me
this one good deed before my death!”
“Aw come on, can’t you...I don’t know, put an ad in the paper’r
somethin?” Ranma stalled.
Hishaku’s eyes didn’t quite meet Ranma’s, but Akane’s icy stare
more than made up for it.
“Okay okay, I’ll take it, jeez.” Ranma snatched the envelope from
Hishaku’s hand. Remembering herself, she bowed, “Thank you
very much, Hishaku-san. I’ll make sure this gets into the right
hands.”
“Thank YOU, Ranma-chan. You can’t know what this means to
me.”
“Yeah whatever,” Ranma said as she motioned Akane to follow
her away from the ladle lady “C’mon Akane. I know ya don’t like
bein late. Maybe we can still make it.”
Akane nodded and they both left, Ranma’s wife only taking a
moment to turn around and wave...which of course the blind old
lady didn’t see at all. Akane giggled.
“What is it, Akane?”
“That was kind of a switch wasn’t it? Me worried about the curse
and you worried about school...”
Ranma smiled and giggled herself. “Yeah I guess it was.” Then
Ranma’s face went serious.
“What’s wrong, Ranma?”
“Ah...its just...well it still bothers me how easy it is ta be a girl
sometimes.”
“You have a cure now...You could...”
“Dammit Akane! That ain’t what I meant!”
“But...”Akane took a breath, “okay, Ranma...what do you mean?”
Ranma smiled, “Thanks, um...well you like school right?”
“Um...yeah...”
“Well how dya decide when ta do school work and when ta do
trainin?”
“I’m not sure, Ranma, where are you getting with this?”
“Okay...suppose ya got a big test comin up...but there’s also this
bad ass dojo destroyer out ta challenge ya and for some reason I
can’t help ya...do ya study or do ya train?”
“I don’t know Ranma...that’s a tough call...I suppose I’d train
though...I mean family’s more important.”
“It’d be a tough though right? And suppose you never quite got
back ta doin school stuff...like there was one challenge after
another and ya were getting more and more behind...”
“Ranma...that’s exactly what IS happening!” Akane exclaimed,
somewhat irritated at being reminded of it.
“Heh, Yeah well...that’s kinda how it is with me and bein a girl.”
“How’s that, Ranma?”
Ranma blushed a little, “Akane ya gotta understand this is all new
ta me. I just got around ta thinkin that maybe part of me...is a girl,
and now... well I’m worried...I’m still a guy too ya know and I
don’t wanna...”
“You’re afraid you’ll lose sight of being a boy...like I’m afraid that
I won’t catch up in school.”
Ranma nodded.
“Is it really that bad, Ranma?” Akane asked.
“Sometimes...Look, don’t get me wrong, I know bein a girl ain’t
no ticket to easy livin, but...well people do things for ya, they don’t
look at ya like it’s your fault somethin happened all the time...you
don’t gotta be serious nearly as much...sometimes...aw hell Akane
let’s face it. If it hadn’t been for you and Pops I’d probably have
gone girl a long time ago.”
Akane remembered the night before Happosai’s personality splitter
incense, the days when Ranma thought he was a girl, the contest
Ranma had with Tsubasa, even how Ranma compared her...his
body to Akane’s that first night...and she slowly nodded. “Do you
think you’d be happier as a girl?” She asked, the worry betrayed by
her voice.
“That’s just it. I know I’d be miserable if I were a girl full time.
But sometimes I’m not sure...if can stop myself.”
“I... I’m sorry, Ranma, I never knew how bad the curse was...”
Ranma looked at the envelope in her hands as they walked a few
minutes in silence. Lowering the ki. That’s all it took. Ranma
laughed suddenly. “Y’know its funny...if I had just let Hinako-
sensei drain me I’d have probably been cured accidentally. Course
she’s been holdin back otherwise Ryoga...nevermind.” Ranma
stopped herself.
“Otherwise Ryoga what, Ranma?” Akane asked.
Ranma looked at her wife askance. It was almost as if she were
testing her... “Look, Akane, Ryoga an me got this private matter
between us kay? Now if ya really want me ta tell ya I will. An if
Ryoga does...certain things...I’ll tell, but otherwise...I gave my
word on somethin and I aim ta keep it if I can.”
Akane’s eyes went wide, “You and he didn’t....” she made
suggestive wiggly motions with her two index fingers.
“NO!” Ranma yelled. “There ain’t no way I’d do somethin like
that! Jeez, Akane, and ya call ME a pervert!”
“Well you’re the one who said you were acting like a girl
more...and you did flirt with Ryoga a lot...”
“That wasn’t nothin, Akane! I was just usin Ryoga ta get closer to
you! I wasn’t doin nothin wrong!”
“Ranma PREPARE TO DIE!” A bandanna clad martial artist
jumped in front of Akane and Ranma.
“Oh great. Speak of the devil!” Ranma grumbled.
“How dare you call me a devil in front of Akane!” Ryoga yelled,
throwing his wrought iron umbrella in a spin towards the couple.
Ranma and Akane both easily dodged this attack. Simultaneously
wondering, not for the first time, what the point of throwing the
umbrella was.
“And don’t think I didn’t hear you, Ranma!” Ryoga said pulling a
multitude of bandannas from his forehead and tossing them as the
umbrella came in a curve towards the backs of Ranma and Akane,
who both dodged it easily again. “I don’t know how you used me
this time, but I swear I will make you pay!” And Ryoga let loose
with a volley of razor sharp clothing accessories.
Ranma sighed and using the speed he gained from the Amaguriken
training simply caught all the bandannas. “Jeez, Porky, whatcha
doin usin these old attacks?”
“Arrgh! I can’t use the Shi Shi Hokodan since me and Akari...Its
all your fault! DIE RANMA!”
“Hey look, Spam-for-brains, can ya knock out the futility display
for half a second? I got some news for ya!” Ranma said with a
smirk.
“What is it, Ranma? Is there something ELSE you can’t handle
with out me?” Ryoga returned the smirk.
Akane looked between the two martial artists and pieces started to
fall into place. “No...it can’t be true...”
Ranma dismissed Ryoga’s barb, “Feh, I never needed ya for
anythin. Nah, I just thought I’d let ya know I got a cure to the
Jusenkyo curse.”
“Really! What is...” Ryoga took notice of Akane’s presence, “I
mean...Why the hell would I care about that!”
“Oh that’s right! You’ve got Akari now! She probably bathes you
every day, feeds you plenty of slop, lets you sleep between her
breasts...”
“Grrr!” Ryoga clenched his face as he prepared another attack, the
sound he made sounding oddly similar to a pig snort.
“RANMA!” Akane yelled, “Stop it! Ryoga and Akari are good for
each other!”
Ranma sighed. “Okay Ryoga, I’ve had enough of this. I want you
to apologize to Akane right now.”
“Apologize to Akane?”
“She trusted you and you continually betrayed that trust. I know
ya had your reasons but I can’t let it go on anymore. If ya don’t
tell her than I will. Promise or no promise”
“Tell me what?” Akane asked.
“Damn you, Ranma!”
“Tell me what, Ryoga?” Akane prodded.
“Akane,” Ryoga started, nervously putting his hand behind his
head, “I…that is…you know how Ranma’s always…” Ryoga shut
his eyes tight and balled his hands into fists as he raised his voice
to the heavens: “I’M P-CHAN!”
“Oh I knew that already.” Akane replied, smiling sweetly
“NANI?” Ranma and Ryoga asked.
“Oh sure. I knew it as soon as Ranma chased you out of the furo
that day. I knew it made him jealous and you were a pig so it
wasn’t like you would do anything. I figured the best revenge I
could have on you was to pretend that you were just a normal pig.
If you ever did anything really mean to Ranma I might have gone
to the vet…”
“But why didn’t say something...?” Ranma asked, perplexed.
“I gave you every clue I could think of, I mean I purposely ignored
it each time you called Ryoga P-chan and when he had the
Charlotte collar on. And I would always treat Ryoga just like P-
chan except without allowing him near my breasts of course.”
“Why couldn’t ya just tell me?” asked Ranma, a little downcast
now.
“I made a woman to woman promise with Nabiki that I wouldn’t.
She said that I’d find out why later.” Akane laughed, “I guess now
I know.”
Ranma looked at Akane incredulously for a moment and then
started laughing herself. “I guess I should have known!”
The only one not enjoying themselves was Ryoga. “You mean I
never had a chance?”
Akane stopped laughing. “Well, if you had told the truth to me
earlier, if you ever actually asked me out, if you didn’t almost kill
me those couple of times, who knows? But you just don’t think
before you act, do you, Ryoga?” Akane tilted her head, just
thinking of something, “You just plow straight through life without
paying any attention to where you are or where you’re
going...Funny, I never thought of it like that before.”
Ryoga looked stunned. A strange energy filled the air. Ranma
could tell what he was about to do... “Oh no ya don’t, bacon
breath! HAPPY thoughts. Think about Akari, man.”
Akane sniffed.
Ranma and Ryoga both turned to Akane who was wiping a tear out
of her eye and trying to hide it, “Whatcha cryin ‘bout, Akane?”
Ranma asked.
“You love him, don’t you?”
“NANI?” both Ranma and Ryoga yelled.
“Come on, Ranma...You insult him just like you insult me, I saw
how you were smiling at him...and...and...you haven’t mentioned
that we were married once!”
“I was gettin around to it!” Ranma protested, “ Look, Ryoga do ya
want this cure or not?”
“Wait a minute...you married Akane?” Ryoga asked pointing at the
two of them.
“Yeah, happiest moment of my life, even if she IS an uncute
tomboy...”
“RANMA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US! I mean ME...er
AKANE!”
“Aw crap, why can’t things just be normal for once!” Ranma
screamed at the heavens.
“You DO love him! Don’t lie to me, Ranma!” Akane had her fists
in her hips now, but there was a good bet they’d be in other places
fairly soon.
“Look, Akane, I’ve thought about it alright? Maybe had one or two
really creepy dreams. If I had to get with a guy to save you, or the
world, or somethin like that, Ryoga would be my first choice
okay? But unless somethin like that happens Ryoga is dead the
moment he touches me Okay?”
“And, Ryoga? What about you?”
“The same. If I had to be with a guy to save you, Akari, or the
world, Ranma would be the one.”
“HAH!” Ranma yelled, “You’re like fifty percent gayer than me!”
“What, Ranma, because I like another girl? That doesn’t make
sense. Besides you turn into a girl, any man would go for you
under the same circumstances,” Ryoga pointed out in one of his
cruelty-spawned moments of eloquence.
“He’s got you there,” Akane stated a smile now forming on her
lips, “But seriously, you find him...attractive?”
“GODS Akane! Can’t you just let it go? We ain’t gonna do
anythin!”
“You think he’s cute don’t you!” Akane accused pointing at
Ranma, and barely able to contain a giggle.
“OKAY FINE! I THINK HE’S CUTE! SEXY EVEN!
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’D LIKE TO FUCK HIS BRAINS
OUT! ARE YA HAPPY?” Ranma’s eyes went wide and she
pointed to herself, “did...did I just say that?”
Akane and Ryoga nodded dumbly.
“Um...” Ryoga, started, “You know that time...with the koi rod...I
remember thinking...”
“Don’t you dare, Ryoga! This is sick enough as it is!” Ranma
cautioned.
“Well its just if it weren’t for you, I’d never be able to talk with
Akari...you’re the first girl I ever had a relationship with ...I
mean...crap.”
Akane smiled, rubbing her chin, “You know, we would make a
near perfect three-way...”
“AKANE NO BAKA!” Ranma yelled and bonked Akane good and
hard with a mallet she got from...someplace.
~~~~~*~~~~~
As it turned out, Ryoga didn’t want the cure.
As it turned out, Ryoga had gotten to like being a pig.
Go figure.
Kuno was waiting for Akane and Ranma when they got to school
which, by a streak of fortune, was opening late that day due to
another renovation on the part of Principal Kuno.
The principal’s son, clad in kendo hakama that billowed in the
breeze, rose his bokken into the sky, and he did say “Hark! The
sun and moon do rise in tandem! My goddesses approach!”
Ranma and Akane smiled at each other. Then Ranma spoke,
remembering the spiel Nabiki had him memorize “But oh noble
Kuno! Which of us will you serve! Surely I, the moon, am your
only paramour!” she leaned into Kuno and put her fists under her
chin cutely.
“Nay, gentle Kuno! Swear not by the moon!” exclaimed Akane,
adapting a line from the part she always wanted to play as she too
leaned into Kuno. “The inconstant moon that…by water…changes
in her circled orb, lest thy love prove likewise variable.”
Ranma put the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically
“Indeed, should steaming water touch my skin I would become
that man you hold most vile! It’s true! Our love could never be!”
“Is this so?” Kuno had the look of revelation “This…explains
much…I never fully understood how the sorcerer could hold such
sway over you! Alas! Until such time as you are free of that wretch
I could no more serve you than he. But what of the sun! Yes the
ever present sun shall forever be my love! I have decided!”
Ranma pointed at Kuno “You would turn from me so easily! But
know this: the Sun doth leave you nightly and even as she burns
today she doth burn for another. She too is under the thrall of that
dark demon that did smite a fiery god!”
Akane gave Ranma a half lidded expression and then continued
“Yes, and even though he is brash and full of himself…he yet
keeps my heart in check. Alas good Kuno…I cannot in good faith
accept your love.”
Kuno knelt in front of Akane “But…but surely I may free your
heart from his insidious clutches! There must be a way!”
“Alas! It is too late!”
“Too late!” Ranma echoed Akane in the manner of a Greek play.
“Too late! For the Sun is forever tied to Darkness and Chaos.”
Akane continued.
“Chaos and Darkness!”
“Chaos and Darkness bind her in truth. For she is the daughter of
Darkness.”
“Darkness’ daughter? ”Kuno asked bewildered.
“The daughter of Darkness!” Ranma repeated.
“She is the daughter of Darkness in truth. For to Chaos, she is
wed!”
“She is wed to Chaos?!” Kuno asked, incredulous.
“To Chaos she is wed!” Ranma and Akane repeated.
“But this cannot be!” Kuno protested.
“It can and is, Oh noble Kuno of the sword! In truth the Sun and
Moon cannot be yours!” Ranma enthused with a slight smirk.
“But cast thy nighted color off! There are others for whom your
affection will not be wasted!” Akane said worried.
“But who? Who worthy of my love would accept it?!”
“I dunno, what about her?” Ranma suggested pointing at a girl
with long black hair wearing a red and white hakama and sporting
a sheathed katana.
“I’m not sure about this, Kitsune, shouldn’t we too a...less public,
public place?”
The smiling short haired girl in kimono shook her head,
“Nonsense, Motoko, a public high school is the perfect place to
demonstrate!” Kitsune turned to the “crowd” “Attention ladies and
gentlemen, boys and girls, you are looking at Aoyama Motoko, a
legendary girl!”
No one paid much attention.
“This girl is the seventh generation descendant of the great
swordsman Yagyu Jubei!”
“That’s not right at all,” Motoko seethed under her breath.
In the crowd Hiroshi turned from staring a Ranma’s breasts for a
moment to see what was going on, yawned and refocused his
attention on the breasts. Daisuke never let his eyes wander.
“Not only that,” Kitsune continued a little frantically, “On her
mother’s side ten generations back you’ll find the great Himura
Kenshin! Slayer of thousands and great defender of the peace!”
Motoko buried her head in her hand. Not only was Kitsune making
a mockery of her bloodline, but only the daftest of fools would
believe a word of it.
It was of course at that moment that a rose whizzed toward Motoko
at an alarming rate. Using tightly honed reflexes, Motoko
unsheathed her katana and sliced the projectile in half...lengthwise.
The two halves stuck into the ground on either side of Motoko.
Now people were starting to watch.
In the crowd around the school, a fault opened up and through this
a young man boldly marched, carrying a wooden bokken. This was
of course Kuno Tatewaki. “Truly these mortals be a boorish lot if
they cannot appreciate the splendor of your magnificence. I know
of only one thing that could defeat your prowess.”
“I hope he ain’t talkin bout me.” Ranma muttered to her wife.
“SHH!” Akane responded and they both continued to watch the
scene.
Motoko pointed her sword at Kuno. “Is this a challenge? What is
your name?”
Kuno bowed elegantly, “In truth it is the custom to reveal one’s
name before issuing a challenge. Very well. Know that I am Kuno
Tatewaki, age eighteen, magnificent star of the Furinken High
kendo club and second in the martial arts to none save a foul
demon who uses insidious magicks to achieve his victories. In
these lands I am known as the Blue Thunder!” Kuno lifted his
bokken into the air and thunder rumbled in the distance.
Actually it was the sound of a garbage truck but it was still a nice
effect.
Motoko lowered her weapon. “Impressive. But what is this thing
that you say can defeat me?”
“Why, I speak of nothing but your great beauty,” Kuno said as if in
surprise that Motoko didn’t know.
The sword-wielding girl’s face blushed as red as her hakama under
her long black satin hair.
“You have to admit, Kuno can be pretty suave sometimes” Akane
said, as much to herself as to anyone else.
“Yeah,” Ranma agreed, “I mean, he almost got ME!”
“What’d you say?” Akane whipped her head to her husband.
“Aw crap!” Ranma moaned, “Why can’t I just keep my mouth
shut?”
“Well, you opened it. Now what’s this about Kuno almost getting
you?”
“Look, okay? It was just for a moment. I was stressed out, I just
moved in, didn’t even know you all that well, much less anyone
else, and he gives me this big ole bunch a flowers and tells me he
loves me. I mean, no one had ever told me that before. Not that I
can remember. Gave me nightmares for weeks.”
“Ranma...I...”Akane began, then looked at the ground for a
moment. She looked back up into Ranma’s eyes. “I need to tell you
something...not now, but...soon okay? Don’t let me forget.”
Ranma slowly nodded, somewhat baffled, and turned back to the
scene with Kuno and Motoko.
“I see you doubt the veracity of my words.” Kuno said. “Fine then!
I propose a test. A challenge between your beauty and your skill!
We shall spar. If you win, than your beauty has stayed my hand
and is a force onto itself and I must ask you to date with me. If,
peradventure I should best you in our spar, then your strength has
surpassed your beauty and forced me to fight you as an equal, in
which case I must allow you to date with me.”
Motoko’s eyes thinned at Kuno’s Hobson’s choice. “Interesting.
Then I shall strive for a draw!
“Well,” Akane said as the two sword fighters came together in a
clash, “It looks like we’ve been dumped.”
“Yeah, that wasn’t hard at all!” Ranma exclaimed.
“We aren’t out of the wood yet, though. Remember Ukyo.”
“And Nabiki.” Ranma added. “Hey look school’s openin up!” she
noted as Kuno cut through the branch of a giant tree ineffectually.
“Shall we?” Ranma offered the crook of her arm.
Akane slipped her arm in Ranma’s “Oh you’re so gallant!” Akane
laughed. They both entered the school. Neither of them particularly
caring how the fight turned out.
However just as they got inside, (Through the doors fashioned to
look like a giant replica of the Principal’s smiling toothy mouth)
Kuno came crashing head first through the wall.
“I guess beauty won.” Akane noted as the dust settled around the
cross eyed Kendoist.
“Heh, yeah. One should never overestimate the great Kuno
Tatewaki” Ranma quipped. And with that they went on to class.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Ranma slept through her classes while Akane tried to learn
something, which was difficult, considering one teacher talked in a
perfect monotone and the other spent half the time playing
children’s games and eating candy, and the other half draining
random students of the life energy with little or no provocation.
At lunchtime Ukyo confronted Ranma and Akane. “You too are
awfully…close to each other. Why aren’t you fighting…what
gives?”
“Well, I guess you could say we both sorta woke up.” Ranma
explained. “A coupla nights after Jusendo I had this weird dream
and after that everything just sorta became clear ta me. I realized
how silly I was bein’. I’m just glad Akane changed too…I don’t
know what I would’ve done if she was still inta her jealous tomboy
routine…”
“RANMA!” Akane protested.
“Aw come on Akane, ya gotta admit you were ta blame sometimes
too.”
“I guess your right…but I still think you deserved it most of the
time.”
Ukyo looked a little worried. “So what about OUR engagement,
Ran-chan?
Ranma looked a little uneasy.
Akane spoke “You’re not serious are you, Ukyo? You don’t
REALLY want to be MARRIED to this jerk do you?”
“Hey!” Ranma protested.
Akane ignored her. “Think about it. Do you think he’d just let you
make Okonomiyaki in peace? No! Sooner or later he’ll start
complaining ‘Why is it Okonomiyaki again tonight! Why can’t we
have something else!’ Until sooner or later he says he hates it.
Could you really live with someone who hates Okonomiyaki?”
“But Ran-chan loves my Okonomiyaki, don’t you Ran-
chan?”Ukyo smiled sweetly at Ranma
“Well, actually, Ucchan ta tell ya tha truth it does get old after a
while…” Ranma admitted sheepishly. Ukyo’s smile dissipated.
“See! And I hope you don’t plan on passing on your fighting style
to your children, because Mr. Anything Goes over here won’t
allow that for sure.”
“Alright, I’m on your side, Akane” Ranma said, causing Ukyo to
grit her teeth, “but that’s not a very good reason. I mean I’m sure I
could incorporate Ukyo’s style into Anything Goes without any
problem.”
“Incorporate…” Ukyo murmered, “INCORPORATE! The Kuonji
School of Raging Okonomiyaki is not some kata you can adapt to
your own ends! Okonomiyaki is a way of life! It must be followed
religiously or NOT AT ALL!”
“Jeez, calm down, Ucchan I ain’t gonna marry ya.”
Ukyo looked a little confused. “Then why…did you LEAD ME
ON all this time?”
“When did I lead ya on? I mean I kept tellin’ ya I liked ya as a
friend every chance I got. I mean the only reason I let all that stuff
with the sauce happen was cause I didn’t want ya ta hate me.”
“But you called me the cute fiancee!”
“I was tryin’ get back at Akane! I thought you’d realize that! How
was I ta know you would take me serious! I mean I still thought of
you as a guy fer cryin’ out loud!”
“But then, you asked if I loved you…”
“Aw come on, Ucchan can we not talk about that please?”
Akane raised her finger in the air. “Actually I’m a little bit
interested in that myself.”
“Aw jeez, I was feelin’ bad okay? Think about it. How would you
feel if Tsubasa started hating you. I mean you don’t even like
Tsubasa right? But what if he actually hated you? Now you see
Konatsu. Wouldn’t ya want some reasurance that…”
“Well I certainly wouldn’t…” Akane offered.
“No…Akane, I think I see what he means...”Ukyo started to
chuckle then she pointed accusingly at Ranma “You just wanted to
feel attractive! You can’t stand the thought of not being pretty!”
“Um…well I wouldn’t put it quite like that…”
Akane bopped her forehead with her palm “Of course! It makes
sense! Ranma can be SUCH a girl sometimes!”
“Hello? I’m still here ya know. ”Ranma interjected.
“Oh don’t worry Ranma, that’s one of the reasons I love you.”
Akane hugged her currently female husband tightly.
Ukyo’s mouth went slack “Did you just say…?”
Ranma put her arm around Akane’s waist, returning the hug.
“Ukyo you’re my best friend, even like a sister or somethin but I
couldn’t marry ya. I don’t love ya like that. I only love my wife
like that.” Ranma looked at Akane affectionately.
Ukyo was at a loss “I…you mean?…I guess … congratulations,
JACKASS!” Tears welled up in her eyes and she ran off.
“Well, I feel like crap now.” Ranma said.
“I know, Ranma, I do too, but it had to be done sometime. We did
the best we could.”
“I s’pose you’re right.” Ranma got up and walked to the door.
“Ranma? Where are you going?”
“I think I need to be male now…”
“Well that’s fine with me, but why now?”
After they got married Ranma and Akane agreed to be open and
honest with each other at all times. That included this one. Ranma
hesitated, then responded, “It’s ’cause I think…maybe you and
Ucchan were right. That still sorta scares me ya know. I just need
ta… make sure I’m still a man.” The last part was almost a
whisper.
Akane nodded and sat back down. When Ranma came back, male,
class was just starting again. When Ranma got to his seat next to
Akane, she angle the sheet on her notebook so he could see. “I
want to go back to Jusenkyo,” it said.
“Huh? You don’t mean…” Ranma whispered.
Akane nodded. Then she wrote more: “I want to share everything
with you, Ranma.” And she underlined “everything” several times.
Ranma sat back in his seat, wide eyed. He stayed like that almost
the rest of the school day looking at Akane from time to time and
thinking. He’d just as soon forget about Jusenkyo and all the
trouble it caused him, and he didn’t want Akane to go through
what he went through, but if Akane were to be cursed, they would
be that much closer. There was a selfish part of Ranma that wanted
that despite the consequences. There was also a mischievous and
disturbingly female part of him that wanted to see what Akane
would look like as a man.
The teacher was just happy that he could see Ranma’s face.
~~~~~*~~~~~
When class let out for gym Ranma wanted to ask Akane about the
note, but a certain crazed gymnast chose that moment to make an
appearance.
There was a sudden storm of black rose petals and a sound that
seemed to echo from the walls of the school and ring through the
metal of chain link fence. “AHhahahahaha! OHhohohohoho! Hee
hee hee! It seems the peasant Akane thinks she is worthy of my
darling Ranma-sama! Surely even one as dense as she can tell that
she is no match for the Black Rose!”
Akane eyes thinned and she raised her fists and advanced toward
Kodachi…until she was impeded by Ranma’s left arm.
“Wait, remember what we rehearsed with Nabiki.” Ranma said
softly so that Kodachi couldn’t hear. He walked to Kodachi and
bowed low to the ground on his knees. “Oh Kodachi-sama! You
are so right, you’re blood is so noble you deserve what’s rightfully
yours! But first, please grant me one request?”
“What is it my darling Ranma?”
“It’s just that since our relationship is going to change into
something more…beneficial for us both I thought that we might
start using pet names.”
“What a delightful idea! But what should I call you if not my
darling?”
“I’ve always wanted to be called…Little Pony. It’s a fantasy of
mine. My name you see.”
“How fitting! But then what would you call me?”
Ranma hesitated “Princess…as befits your rank and stature
Kodachi-sama.”
“Oh that’s perfect! Rise, my Little Pony. You have no need to beg
for such a thing.”
Ranma stood up.
Kodachi moved to embrace him, but suddenly, he wasn’t there.
“Where did you go, my Little Pony?”
“She’s all yours,” Ranma whispered in Akane’s ear as he passed
her using the Umisenken. He found Nabiki hiding behind a bush.
He reappeared crouched beside her. “Are they coming?” He asked
quietly.
“They should be here any second now, little pony.” Nabiki replied
with a smirk.
“Hardy har har. You’re really doin this for free?”
“This one’s on the house, Ranma. The entertainment value alone
more than makes up for it. Plus I’ve got all sorts of bets on this
one. Besides… its fun having a little brother.” The last part was
said a little more seriously than intended. The wedding had
brought out the worst in Ranma’s fiancees. Even Ukyo used
explosive okonomiyaki on the pair, even if it wasn’t very
powerful. Shampoo’s arsenal was about ten times more lethal.
Tatewaki Kuno was actually one of more innocent of the suitors.
while he had brought a metal blade, he revealed later that it was his
family blade and that since the marriage was a matter of honor he
could use no less, but that he intended to only use the blunt edge.
Kodachi however, was by far the worst. There was a reason she
wore a black wedding dress, and it wasn’t because she happened to
like the color.
“What have you done with my little pony, harridan!” Kodachi
demanded of Akane when she couldn’t find Ranma.
“He is. not. yours!” Akane’s mallet winked into existence, and she
brandished it in righteous fury. Ranma had convinced her that
killing Kodachi wouldn’t be right, but for that wedding dress…she
deserved to SUFFER.
A couple of days after the wedding Happosai tore through the
wedding presents to see if there was any lingerie. When he opened
the one from Kodachi a poison cloud enveloped him. Even with
his supernatural constitution, he almost died. If the wedding had
gone as originally planned Ranma and Akane would have certainly
been dead. Kodachi was dressed for a wedding and a funeral. The
other fiancées and rivals had actually saved Ranma and Akane’s
lives.
Kodachi’s ribbon winked into existence as well. She lashed out
with it and snatched Akane’s mallet away. “Mallet-sama! I’ve
found you at last!”
The realization suddenly hit Akane. She had first found the mallet
after Kodachi threatened her before the Rythmic Gymnastics
match. She had gotten angry at Ranma, and it just was
THERE…Right where she needed it. She had never recognized it
from Kodachi’s attack so she never knew where it came from. She
just thought it was some ki technique she had learned accidently.
But where ever it came from…it was a part of her. She was, by
nature, a violent girl. It was time to show Kodachi HOW violent.
While Kodachi was distracted, Akane unleashed a haymaker into
the inside of Kodachi’s right arm, breaking the bone with an
audible pop. Kodachi screamed in pain. The ribbon and mallet
disappeared. “That was for trying to kill me and Ranma,” Akane
declared, “and THIS, “ Akane said as the mallet suddenly
appeared in her hand once again, “Is for the dress!” She swung the
hammer in an upwards motion, connecting with Kodachi’s jaw.
Kodachi was lifted four meters into the air and when she landed it
was with a meter long skid across the pavement.
Many people lost money today, but Nabiki wasn’t one of them.
Sure Kodachi might have superior skill, but the ones who bet on
her never saw Akane in full berserker mode. “The way I figure it,”
Nabiki muttered, “I still owe you.”
Ranma smiled. He saw the men in white coats come on the scene
just in time. “Nah, I don’t think so…Nabiki, I think it’s pretty cool
havin’ you as a sister too.”
Nabiki hoped Ranma didn’t see the tears that welled up when he
said that. She still had a reputation to protect.
“The PAIN! Ow! Mallet-sama! Why have you forsaken me!”
Kodachi moaned.
The men in white look at each other and the broken, bleeding girl
before them. “Looks like her,” One said to the other.
Kodachi crawled around aimlessly “Where are you my little pony!
Your princess needs you!”
“Yep,” said the man in white, “Definitely her. Help me get her to
the van.” They picked up Kodachi’s writhing form and with an ii
uu ii uu took her to the white van. The back doors were open,
welcoming Kodachi into the padded interior. When the men closed
the doors the lettering read: “Happy Holiday Sanitarium.”
Kodachi wouldn’t be wearing black again for a while.
Ranma and Nabiki walked out from behind the bush. “That was
awesome!” Ranma praised Akane, “Imagine if you actually knew
martial arts!”
Akane’s hammer lightly bonked him on his head. “Baka.” Akane
declared. She couldn’t keep from smiling though. Most girls would
be upset if their husbands left them to fend for themselves, but
most girls weren’t Akane. Ranma believed in her, trusted her. That
was worth any of his jibes, accidental or otherwise. In fact, the
teasing somehow made her love Ranma even more.
A bell sounded, signaling the school day was done.
“Well I guess we might as well get home and start packing huh?”
Akane said.
Ranma’s stomach grumbled in protest. “Er… I think we better go
get something to eat. I didn’t get to finish lunch and I think we
skipped breakfast.”
Akane’s stomach grumbled in agreement. “Yeah I guess you’re
right! Wait a minute! What all did we do today?”
“Well we got Shampoo ta stop botherin’ us…We found out why
the ladle lady kept splashing me…Then there was Ryoga, who I
don’t think’ll be botherin me as much anymore…”
“Right, then there was Kuno, Ukyo, and Kodachi… That’s six
impossible things isn’t it?”
Ranma smirked “Yes, my Red Queen”
Akane put her fist on her hip. “And where is that lovable dumb
jock I married? Honestly, if you’re going to make references to
English literature there’s no hope for your reputation at all.”
“Aw…as if I care about that! As long as I’m with you…I want to
be a better person. And you ARE kinda like the Red Queen. The
one in the second book I mean. You always put me back on track.”
Ranma looked away, “Besides, how was I supposed ta know it’d
be so good?”
Akane turned Ranma’s head around with both her hands and
planted a kiss right on Ranma’s lips. When they were finished she
said, “And you are the foul sorcerer that holds me in thrall.”
Ranma had a dopey grin on his face. “We should celebrate. How
about we eat over there,” Ranma pointed to a new restaurant that
dominated a street corner with the katakana for “Miriwaisu” “It
looks good and expensive. And if you remember Nabiki’s wedding
present…a ‘Credit Card’ was it? I want to see how this magic
works.”
“Sounds good to me!”
Ranma and Akane walked through the door hand in hand. The door
closed behind them with a curious whooshing sucking noise that
held a disturbing amount of finality...
When they were inside they saw an odd video display behind a
strange cylindrical aquarium that held about twenty little yellow
fish. The display seemed to show various types of beings pressing
a black button on the cylindrical aquarium, picking up a fish, and
sticking it into various orifices.
Ranma nodded, pressed the black button twice, took a fish for
himself and gave the other to Akane.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Akane asked.
“Stick it in your ear. Didn’t you see the display?” Ranma stuck the
little fish into his ear. There was small, audible pop. And Ranma’s
eyes went wide. “Hey it’s translatin’ or somethin’!”
Akane crinkled her nose at the fish, shrugged and stuck it in her
ear. Suddenly she heard what sounded like garbles and tweaks turn
into a calm mechanical voice with a cultured accent saying
“Welcome to Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
A server will seat you shortly.”
“Wow,” Ranma noted, “They sure pulled out all the stops here!”
Akane had to agree. The place was much, much, bigger on the
inside then on the outside, and the ceiling opened out into a star
studded space-scape. Oddly the stars seemed to be moving in a
slow spiral toward something. The entire restaurant was filled with
monsters, demons, and other types of youkai, all apparently
drinking and having a good time, except for a few that seemed to
have had a little too much, and were busy trying to keep all their
body fluids in one place.
It didn’t take that much of a stretch in logic to conclude that this is
what passed for posh in Nerima.
“No wonder the Kunos are so crazy!” Akane said.
“You said it.” Ranma agreed.
A dignified, elderly humanoid gentleman approached Ranma and
Akane wearing a tuxedo and holding two menus. He had an air
about him of polite snobbery, mixed with a touch of depression.
“Welcome to Milliways,” He sighed, “Please follow me to your
seats.”
“The service here is great! We didn’t have to wait long at all did
we, Ranma?”
“Nope,” Ranma answered dumbly. His eyes were still taking in the
sites around him.
The waiter motioned them to their tables and they sat down. “Sir
and Madam should not be surprised, as the reservations have been
made fifty billion years in advance,” the waiter droned.
“Huh?” This shocked Ranma out of his…shock. “How’s that
possible?”
“The universe shall be exploding for you momentarily,” the waiter
said, ignoring what was apparently an assinine question, “In the
meantime, would Sir or Madame like anything from the bar?”
Akane smiled “You wouldn’t happen to have any Nannichuan
water by any chance would you?”
The waiter wrote something down on his pad and asked “Would
you like that sparkling or flat, Madame?”
Akane jaw went slack “Uh…flat’s fine,” she said absently.
The waiter nodded and turned to Ranma, whose look of surprise
stretched the limits of human expression. "And what would Sir
like?”
“Um…uh…Just some green tea I guess,” Ranma ventured. He just
wanted something simple and soothing to calm his jangling senses.
Kasumi would have been proud.
“Tea, Sir?” The waiter questioned.
“Yeah, just tea, is that okay?”
“I’m afraid we do not have any ‘tea’ in stock. Perhaps if Sir would
stick to the more popular choices…”
“Wait a minute, you have Nannichuan water, but you don’t have
tea???” Ranma asked, incredulous.
“Sir has repeated my words admirably. Now if Sir would please
choose another beverage…”
“Well what do ya got then?”
“There’s the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, a very popular choice
among semi-sentient carbon-based life forms, Old Janx Spirit,
Vesuvian Vapor Emulsion, Death Reborn Revolution…”
All these drinks sounded to Ranma like they would do nasty things
to someone’s mind, “Dya have anythin’ non-alcoholic?”
“Yes, Sir. There’s Nannichuan water, Nyannichuan water, the
water of Lethe, water from the river Styx, Tears of a Dragon,
Blood of a Dragon, Unicorn Blood, Blood from the Bugblatter
Beast of Traal, and Apple Juice.”
“But no tea.”
“No, Sir.”
Ranma sighed “I guess I’ll have some Apple juice then.”
“An excellent choice, Sir. Would that be with or without the yak
urine?”
“Without. Please,” Ranma stated emphatically.
"I'll have him brought out shortly with your drinks Sir. Madame,"
the waiter droned, bowing slightly in deference to Ranma and
Akane before leaving.
Once he was gone, Akane spoke, "Do you think they really have
Nannichuan, Ranma?"
"I don't know. But if it's real...are you sure you want to use it?"
"Ranma, It's something I've been thinking about for awhile now.
Ever since...That Night. Its been an obsession even..."Akane
looked at her hands on the table, blushing.
"Akane...you don't know what you're saying..."
Akane looked up. "I know it will be hard, Ranma, but I've got you
right?... If you don't want me too I won't. "Akane looked straight
into Ranma's eyes questioningly.
Ranma held the gaze for a moment then looked at the space scape
out side as it swirled. "Well...if you really want to...we could get
some instant Nannichuan..."
"Ranma." Akane interrupted.
"What?"
"I'm bisexual."
Ranma stared at Akane stunned. "NANI?"
"You heard me."
Ranma was at a loss "Akane...I...for how long?"
"What do you mean 'for how long?' baka?"
"Well...its just...I wasn't...that is before I got the curse..."
Akane's eyes widened. "Gods! No wonder you hated the curse!"
She looked down at the table a little darkly. "Me, I had no one to
hate but myself...and you."
"Huh?"
"When I first learned about your curse...I was jealous."
"That long... but you never showed it or nothin'!"
"Ranma, what did I say about Shampoo when she first came?"
"You said..." Ranma's eyes widened in revelation "You said she
looked cute! And you would never mallet Shampoo...only me! You
wanted Shampoo to yourself!"
Akane's eyes thinned in irritation. "You don't have to put it quite
like that"
"Gomen gomen... I'm one to talk. I mean ya already know about
Ryoga..."
"So you don't mind?" Akane asked hopefully.
"Huh? The Nannichuan? No...ta tell ya the truth..." Ranma let the
corners of his mouth come up, "I think it might be fun."
Akane rose above the table and kissed Ranma , holding his head
with both hands. "I'm so glad!" She said after releasing him.
Ranma, red faced. "But why tell me this now?"
"You know that night you came into my room and told me that you
loved me?"
"I live in that moment eternally." Ranma said wistfully.
Akane smirked "Careful Ranma, you're getting poetic...."
"Aw, Akane I'll be more poetic than Kuno...for you. What were
you saying? About That Night?" The capitalization Ranma put on
"That Night" was audible.
"Remember I had a dream before you came in... It was in that
dream that I realized... that I really was a tomboy. That part of the
reason why I loved you...was that you were a girl."
"Wow! That sounds almost like my dream! Who did you dream
about?"
"Why you, silly! Who else would I dream about?" Akane lightly
whacked Ranma's arm smiling sunnily. Then her smile dimmed a
bit and she cocked her head in thought. "Wait a minute you had
someone in your dream too?"
Ranma nodded hesitantly.
"Well who did YOU dream about?"
"Cologne."
Akane paused and thinned her lips. "Ranma...that's sick. That's
extremely and utterly uber-sick!"
"Hey it ain't like I can pick what dreams I get or nothin'!"
Ranma was about to continue when suddenly he was distracted by
a large, vaguely pig-like creature gorging itself on vegetables while
it was wheeled toward his table by a younger waiter. The old
waiter followed with their drinks.
"Hello there," The pig creature greeted from atop a large silver
platter. "I'm the main course. Might I suggest something off my
shoulder?"
This was a little TOO weird. Even for Nerima.
"Akane?" Ranma asked as the old waiter set down their drinks in
front of them
"Yes, Ranma?" She respond absently, being equally distracted by
the pig-creature.
"How do you feel about leaving on our honeymoon a little early?"
"Um... okay, but why?"
"Because," Ranma said, looking at the stars outside and the other
creatures in the restaurant with a new respect, "Suddenly, I don't
think we're in Nerima anymore."
~~~~~[END]~~~~~
C&C appreciated.