Fair Game
Max: Who's ever after you are real pros.
Kate: I guess I should be proud. It would be embarrassing to be killed by an amateur.
Family Guy Presents: Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story
Lois: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since I qualified for
the Olympics.
Chris: You were in the Olympics?
Lois: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm pro-choice.
Peter: We all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thought
otherwise is just bogus.
Lois: Oh he's so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
Farce of the Penguins
Shrink: Remember - wisdom comes from suffering.
Carl: Who said that?
Shrink: My mother.
Melissa: Has she ever held onto a man?
Vicky: Only by the throat.
The Fast and The Furious
Dom: I live my life one quarter mile at a time. For those ten seconds or less I'm free.
Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Spicoli: If I'm here, and you're here, doesn't it make it
our time?
Businessman: (at fast food place) It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad: Mister, if you
don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!
Mike
Damone's Dating Tips:
1. Never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi."
2. Wherever
you are, act like it's the place to be. "Isn't this great?"
3. You call the
shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it."
4. When ordering, find out what she
wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "The lady will have
the linguini with white clam sauce and a Coke with no ice."
5. This is most
important of all. When it comes to making out, whenever possible, put on side
one of Led Zeppelin IV.
Fear
David: Everything could have
been different, Mr. Walker. You should have let nature take its course, in the
end it will anyway...SO LET ME IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!
---submitted by Renee
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Cameron: Pardon my French but you're an asshole!
Rooney: Absolutely! I most certainly am.
Ferris: Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you
could miss it.
--submitted by Emma--
Ferris: I do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So, who gives a crap if they're Socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. It's not that I condone facism. Or any ism for that matter. Isms, in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus, I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
Ferris: You can't respect somebody who kisses your ass.
Ferris: Cameron I'm sorry but we could never pick up Sloan in your car. Mr. Rooney would never believe that Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit.
Cameron: Piece of shit?
Ferris: Yes it is a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours.
Fierce Creatures
Son: You screwed up my childhood!
Dad: How could I? I wasn't even there.
Fight Club
Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now: should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.
Business woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Narrator: You wouldn't believe.
Business woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.
Narrator: What do you do for a living?
Tyler: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?
Narrator: Look, no one takes this more seriously than me! That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed. That was ME! (voice-over) I'd like to thank the Academy...
Tyler: I didn't create some loser alter ego to make me feel better.
--submitted by Deadiamtheone88--
Narrator: When people think you're dying, they really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.
--submitted by Melissa--
The First Wives Club
Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.
The Flintstones
Barney: You're afraid to tell Wilma, aren't you?
Fred: Afraid? Now let's get this straight, Rubble. I don't need permission from my wife to make a decision. In my cave, I reign supreme. SUPREME!
Barney: I won't tell her, Fred.
Fred: Thanks pal.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Aldous: If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show which, obviously, I can't now because it's been cancelled.
Peter: How did you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?
Kemo: Dwayne told me. Chuck told me. Even Rachel told me. I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it. It's like The Sopranos. It's over. Find a new show.
Forrest Gump
Lt. Dan: They say if I take Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, then I will walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? I will WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven!
Forrest: I'm going to Heaven, Lieutenant Dan.
Lt. Dan: Well, before you go, why don't you go down to the corner store and get us some more booze?
Forrest: (about Lt. Dan) He was from a long great military tradition. Somebody in his family had fought and died in every single great
American war. I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to.
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Andy: I may not have had sex but I could fuck you up.
Dave: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.
Dave: I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette.
Cal: Yes you are, man, 'cause your depression is boring me for one thing and it's actually making me
a little depressed, which is then in turn making me more depressed that you're actually affecting my mood.
(later)
Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb
guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out
of your funk.
Paula: I'll probably rewatch Gandhi...
Cal: Gandhi baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked cause I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot
and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.
Garden State
Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
George of the Jungle
Narrator: Don't worry kids, no one dies in this movie. They just get really big boo boos!
Ghostbusters
Mayor: What do you mean biblical?
A: Fire and brimstone raining down from the sky...
B: 40 days of darkness...
C: Earthquakes, floods...
Venkman: Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!
--submitted by Deadiamtheone88--
Girl, Interrupted
Lisa: (checking Daisy's arm) What's that huh? Trying out your new silver?
Daisy: Look at your own arm, asshole.
Lisa: I'm sick, Daisy. We know that. But here you are in so-called recovery playing Betty Crocker, cut up like a goddamn Virginia ham. Help me understand, Dais, cause uhh I thought you didn't do valium. Tell me how this safety net is working for you. Tell me that you don't take that blade and drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down. Tell me how your daddy helps you cope with that. Illuminate me.
Daisy: My father loves me!
Lisa: I bet... with every inch of his manhood.
Gone In 60 Seconds
DMV Examiner: You can't negotiate turns. You can't signal properly. You can't maintain speed. You can't parallel park. Hell, you can't drive, honey. Shit, I can't swim. I know I can't. So you know what I do? I stay my black ass outta the pool.
Good Will Hunting
Sean: (speaking to class) We'll be talking about Freud, and why he did enough cocaine to kill a small horse.
Billy: You're legally allowed to drink now so we figured the best thing for you was a car.
Will: Did you buy all these books retail, or do you send away for, like, a "shrink kit" that comes with all these volumes included?
Will: You people baffle me. You spend all your money on these fuckin' fancy books, you surround yourselves with them--and they're the wrong fuckin' books.
Chuckie: How about you give me the 16 cents that you got on you now and we'll put your fuckin' sandwich on layaway? We'll put it right up here for you and every day, you can come in with your 6 cents and at the end of the week, you get your sandwich. Payment plans. Like how you bought your couch.
Grease
Kenickie: A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card: "When you care enough to send the very best."
Groundhog Day
Phil Connors: So, did you sleep OK without me?
You tossed and turned, didn't you?
Rita: You're incredible.
Phil Connors:
Who told you?
Phil Connors: It's the same things your whole life. "Clean
up your room!", "Stand up straight!", "Pick up your feet!", "Take it like a
man!", "Be nice to your sister!", "Don't mix beer and wine, ever!", "Don't drive
on the railroad track!"
Gus: Eh, Phil. That's one I happen to agree
with.
Felix's Wife: Dr. Connors. I want to thank you for fixing Felix's
back. He can even help around the house again.
Phil Connors: I'm sorry to
hear that, Felix.
Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later
John: It just occurred to me that I've never celebrated Halloween before.
Molly: Why's that?
John: We've got a psychotic, serial killer in the family who loves to butcher people on Halloween. I just
thought it was in bad taste to celebrate.
Happy Gilmore
Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: ...No!!
--submitted by Sweetpea33--
Happy: (after punching Bob Barker) The price is wrong, bitch!
--submitted by Sweetpea33--
Harold and Kumar Escape to Guantanamo Bay
Harold: Why does everything have to be a huge argument with you, man?
Kumar: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech, no one's going to shut me up.
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guatanamo Bay
Harold: Why does everything have to be a huge argument with you, man?
Kumar: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech, no one's going to shut me up.
Heathers
Counselor: Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their
life.
J.D.: The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.
Veronica: This may seem like a stupid question....
J.D.: There are no stupid questions.
Veronica: If you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the earth they're
blowing us up in two days, what would you do?
J.D.: That's the stupidest
question I've ever heard.
(responding to same question)
A: If
I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent.
Veronica:
You're beautiful.
Teacher: I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word
myriad in her suicide note.
Veronica: My teen angst bullshit now has a body count.
Veronica: Teenagers want to be treated like human beings.
Veronica's Mom: Usually when teenagers complain they want to be treated like human beings, it's because they are being treated like human beings.
--submitted by Robert--
Veronica: I just killed my best friend.
JD: Worst enemy
Veronica: Same difference.
--submitted by Robert--
Veronica: Why are you such a bitch, Heather?
Heather Duke: Because I can be.
--submitted by Robert--
Veronica: If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today, that's about the least
private thing I can think of.
High Fidelity
Rob: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you.
Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?
Laura: Yeah.
Rob: [lying in bed imagining the scene] You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head.
Rob: Why'd you have to tell her about the store?
Barry: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was classified information. I mean, I know we don't have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing, not like, a business strategy.
Rob: "Let's get it on". That's our song. Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.
Laura: Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.
Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura: One - Sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all-time laughs in the history of all-time laughs. She laughs with her entire body. Two - She's got character...or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three - I miss...her smell...and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just...feel...like home. I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects. And it's not that she doesn't care, its just...she's not affected I guess. And that gives her grace. and Five - She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep. She kind of half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times. It just kills me.
Barry: Quick, Rob. Top 5 Crimes Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the 80's. Subquestion, is it better to burn out than to fade away?
Hijacking Hollywood
Do you know the difference between brown-nosing
and ass-kissing? Depth perception.
Hitch
Chip: I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: You can't get them to stop?
Hot Shots!
Admiral Benson: I look at all you fine lads, and think to myself, what I wouldn't give to be twenty years younger... and a woman.
Admiral Benson: I've personally flown over a hundred-ninety-four missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.
Topper: So... I guess you've been with a man before?
Ramada: I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.
Lt. Commander Bloc: Are you all right, sir?
Admiral Benson: Of course I'm all right! Why, what have you heard?
Admiral Benson: I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner last night. Cheryl and I thought the stroganoff was wonderful.
Lt. Commander Bloc: But sir, we didn't have you over for dinner last night.
Admiral Benson: Oh, very well. Then, where the hell was I? And who's Cheryl?
Hot Shots: Part Deux
Torturer: I see you're no stranger to pain.
Denton: I've been married... twice.
Harbinger: I can kill again! You've given me a reason to live!
President Benson: We'll settle this the ol' Navy way. First guy to die - loses!
Saddam Hussein: They've dicked with the wrong dictator!
Saddam Hussein: Sufferin' Succotash!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Grinch: Cute kid, bad judge of character.
Grinch: We did our worst and that's all that matters.
Grinch: One man's compost is another man's potpourri.
--submitted by KimberBee31282--
Answering machine: You have no messages.
Grinch: Hmmmm. That's odd. Better check the outgoing message.
Outgoing message: If you utter so much as one syllable, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you want to fax me, press the star key.
Grinch: Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! 4 o'clock: wallow in self pity. 4:30: stare into the abyss. 5 o'clock: solve world hunger - tell no one. 5:30: jazzercise. 6:30: dinner with me, I can't cancel that again! 7 o'clock: wrestle with my self-loathing. I'm booked! Course if I bump the loathing to 9 I can still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?!
I Could Never Be Your Woman
Rosie: Why can't we change things?
Mother Nature: Haven't you self-centered, pec-loading assholes changed enough? It's not natural!
Rosie: What's so great about natural?
Mother Nature: What?
Rosie: Think about it. Tobacco is natural, Prozac's unnatural. Earthquakes are natural, television's unnatural. Natural sucks!
The Ice Storm
Mikey: Because of molecules, we are connected to the outside world from our bodies. Like when you smell things,
because when you smell a smell it's not really a smell, it's a part of the object that has come off of it,
molecules. So when you smell something bad, it's like in a way you're eating it. This is why you should not
really smell things, in the same way that you don't eat everything in the world around you because as a smell,
it gets inside of you. So the next time you go into the bathroom after someone else has been there, remember what
kinds of molecules you are in fact eating.
Elena: My husband is probably passed out in the bathroom - or at least he wishes he were.
Idle Hands
Stoner Friend: Your parents are dead? (gets confirmation) Party at Anton's!
Anton: We are gathered here today because you're all dead.
Anton: Mom, Dad... What can I say? I mean, you brought me into this world, you put a roof over my head, you fed me... until I killed you.
If Lucy Fell
Bwick: (about his painting) It literally sucks.
Lucy: No, it symbolically sucks.
Joe: You're a girl who stands zero chance of ever being kissed by another man. (kisses girl)
Joe: This is the path where normal people run.
Lucy: I'd like to get her in therapy, fuck her up real good.
I'm The One That I Want
I love my gay male friends but when I was a little girl I always wished that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am and I should have been more specific.
I had sex with a woman on the ship. So I went through this phase: Am I gay? Am I straight? Then I realized - I'm just slutty! Where's my parade?
When I was drinking, I gave a lot of unnecessary head. I know that guys are going to argue with me. (male voice)"Oh Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head. All head is necessary. All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head." (normal voice) I just wanted people to like me so I extended that as a courtesy. It was my version of the mint on the pillow.
In & Out
Cameron Drake (to his model girlfriend): There's a diner on the corner. Eat something. I'm begging you.
[Howard is listening to his "Be A Man" tapes]
Tape voice: Now repeat after me: "Yo."
Howard: Yo!
Tape voice: "Hot damn."
Howard: Hot damn!
Tape voice: "What a fabulous window treatment."
Howard: What a fabulous...
Tape voice: That was a trick.
In Good Company
Morty: I gotta get home for dinner. My wife is slowly poisoning me to death and she gets very angry if I'm late.
Carter: I'm gonna have to let some people go.
Dan: Why do you say "let them go"? They don't WANT to go. Why don't you just say fire them?
Carter: Because it sounds better.
Dan: Not to the person getting fired it doesn't.
It's Pat: The Movie
Caller: Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I want to jump off buildings or slit my wrists or put a bullet through my head.
Pat: Well, have you considered drowning? They say it's like God giving you a big wet hug... forever. STOP CALLING HERE!
Jawbreaker
You're Fern Mayo, right? I'm Courtney Shayne. I don't think we've officially met, what with the cruel politics of high school and all.
Courtney: We just killed your best friend! Do you have any idea what that means?
Marcie: You're a shoo-in for prom queen?
Courtney: It's called thinking on your toes. A must if you're going to rule the school. I was thinking Fern, that's a plant right? Well, I don't know about you, but I would much rather be a flower. A Rose, too obvious. Never send a rose unless dyed black as a warning. And if one is sent to you, destroy it along with the sender. Emotionally of course. It's not like we kill people... on purpose.
Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay: I'm Jay and this is my hetero lifemate Silent Bob.
Jay: (typing to an internet board) You are the ones who are the ball lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit. Then shit out our shit, then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
--submitted by MakaveliThaDon5--
Willenholly: Why the hell are you shooting at me?
Chrissy: Two reasons. One - we're walking, talking bad-girl clichés!
Missy: And two - 'cause you're a man!
Willenholly: Only on the outside.
Banky: Thanks, that means a lot coming from the guy who claims to be Shaft as opposed to the guy that takes shaft.
Hooper: Uh-uh. I don't hear you complaining nightly.
(about working on "Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season")
Matt Damon: Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. I mean, talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but this is..
Ben Affleck: Look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers who ride horses and like to play golf touchy-feely picture you're going to do this week.
Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen "Forces of Nature".
Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What do I keep telling you? You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture. Then sometimes, you've gotta do the payback picture 'cause your friend says you owe him. (both look directly into the camera, then turn back) Then sometimes, you've gotta go back to the well.
Matt Damon: Yeah, and sometimes you do "Reindeer Games".
Holden: The Internet is a communications tool used the world over, where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Willenholly: Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner and then, when the guys come out with the monkey... Fuck beans! That was them, wasn't it?
James Van Der Beek: Doesn't anybody watch The WB? I'm a teen idol, damn it!
(Scooby Doo - sorta)
Fred: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks so we can know who they really are!
Velma: I don't think they are masks.
Daphne: I don't think they're hitchhiking girls either.
Velma: Ghouls, ya fuckin' moron...not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls...sexy hitchhiking girls.
Fred: Let's kick 'em out. We've got a mystery to solve.
Shaggy: The only mystery is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief.
Fred: Keep it up, beatnik. I'll feed you to the fuckin' dog.
Daphne: I can't take all this fighting!
The Jerk
Navin: The new phone book's here. The new phone book's here. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need.
My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now.
Jerry Maguire
Laurel: Don't cry at the beginning of the date. Cry at the end of the date like I do.
Dorothy: I love him for the man he wants to be and I love him for the man he almost is.
Jersey Girl
Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
Junebug
Ashley: God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to let you stay that way.
Juno
Juno: Everyone's just, like, grabbing my belly all the time. It's crazy, but I'm a legend, you know. They call me the cautionary whale.
Juno: I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.
Bren: Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Juno: As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.
Juno: [about her mother] She inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. I'm like, "Thanks a heap, coyote ugly.
This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
Juno: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
reading Want-Ads for prospective parents
Leah: All right, how about this one? "Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love."
Juno: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what they sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!
Mac: The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood,
bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind
of person that's worth sticking with.
Just Married
Tom: I met a woman at a bar, nothing happened...
Sara: You picked up a total stranger at a bar and brought her back to our honeymoon suite and took off her disgusting red bra?
Tom: Nothing happened!
Sara: No no no no it just jumped off her barenaked breasts.
Just One Of the Guys
Debra: (about her boyfriend) Deep down, he's insecure.
Terry: Up front, he's an asshole.
Buddy: Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've never had sex before. I've had lots of sex! It's just that now I'd like to try it with a partner.
Terry: You would love to spend your entire life using women's bodies.
Buddy: Yeah, all but the last sixty-seconds. I'd like a little time to reminisce.
Keeping the Faith
Anna: If God had hired me, He would have created the world by Thursday.
Brian: (in church, to congregation) OK, so who can name the seven deadly sins? (No response) People! It's a very popular movie with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate cliff note!
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Harry: Do you think I'm stupid?
Perry: I don't think you'd know where to put food at if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid.
Knocked Up
Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Ben: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you!
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't
last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that.
L.A. Story
Harris: Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.
Sara: Are you saying I'm interesting?
Harris: All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of
being interesting.
Sharon: Whatever you do, don't get dumped in L.A. I mean, it's not like New York, where you can meet someone
walking down the street. In L.A. you practically have to hit someone with your car. In fact, I know girls who
speed just to meet cops.
Ladybugs
Bess: She said it was a very good deal. And look, honey, it's a two-story house.
Chester: Two-story house! Before you buy it they give you one story, after you move in you get another story.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Larry: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
A League of Their Own
Capadino: If I had your job, I'd kill myself.
Harvey: Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Jimmy: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.
Jimmy: No, I just can't afford it.
Jimmy: Ballplayers? I haven't got ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls I want to sleep with after the game. Not to coach during the game.
Lowenstein: If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting?
Jimmy: Well, I could certainly use the money!
Jimmy: (pre-game prayer) Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is -- she kept calling Your name.
Doris: That dress don't fit you. It's too tight!
Mae: I don't plan on wearing it that long.
Doris: I don't know why you get dressed at all.
Doris: (Mae's in confessional) It's the second time he dropped that bible since she's been in. (Mae exits confessional) Mae! What did you say?
Mae: Everything!
Mae: Suppose at a key moment in the game, my uniform bursts open and oops...my bosoms come flying out. That might draw a crowd, right?
Doris: You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms?
Leap of Faith
Jane: You really don't care about anybody or anything except yourself, do you?
Jonas: Oh, Jane... I never pretended I did.
Lethal Weapon
Riggs: The guy who shot me? It's the same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.
Murtaugh: You sure?
Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure, man. I never forget an asshole.
Lethal Weapon 4
Chris Rock: You have the right to remain silent, so shut the fuck up. You have the right to a lawyer. If you cannot afford an lawyer, we will find the dumbest son of a bitch on earth for you. And if you hire Johnny Cochran, I'll kill you!
Liar Liar
Secretary: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
Fletcher's wife: You've gotta remember. When we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
Teacher: What's your dad do?
Max: Um, he's a liar.
Teacher: You mean a lawyer?
Max: Um yeah.
Homeless Guy: Do you have any spare change?
Fletcher: mm-hmmm
Homeless Guy: Could you spare some?
Fletcher: Yes, I could!
Homeless Guy: Will you? (Fletcher shakes head) Why not?
Fletcher: Because I believe that you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to the office without being hackled by the decaying mass of western society! That, plus I'm cheap.
Little Miss Sunshine
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap, high school and everything, just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a
book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down
to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, those were the best years of
his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing.
So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school -
those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
Living Out Loud
I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy
all the time. One day he tells me it's MY fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was HIS
fault I was stabbing him.
--submitted by Jeri--
Looney Tunes: Back in Action
(about those live-action Scooby Doo movies)
Shaggy: What kind of performance do you call that? You made me sound like a total space cadet, man!
Matthew Lillard: I'm sorry you feel that way. I was just trying to be real to your character.
Shaggy: If you, like, goof on me in the sequel, I'm coming after ya!
Scooby Doo: Yeah, and I'll give you a Scooby smack. (growls)
Mr. Chairman: (to Wile E. Coyote) What am I going to do with you? You've done nothing but screw up!
You've walked off mesas. You've been smashed by boulders. You've been run over by diesel trucks. Don't blame the
equipment. The equipment is good. It's ACME equipment. You're a coyote. Be wily.
Loser
Adam: You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed but her helpful friend, fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action too.
Noah: OK, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy machinery.
Love and Death
Sonja: To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down...
--submitted by Gary--
Love Potion #9
Paul: They say that power corrupts and that absolute power corrupts absolutely. You know what? They're right.
Major League
Lou Brown: I thought you didn't have any high priced talent.
Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn 'cause he's only high priced.
Major League 2
Harry Doyle (about player's acting career): I would've gone to see his movie, but it was only out for 2 1/2 hours. I was told, however, it was in focus.
Harry Doyle: The outfield walls now look like the yellow pages. And, any of you folks having trouble finding a proctologist might want to come down here and check out the area around the 375 foot sign.
Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.
Harry Doyle: Good news fans! The Indians seem to be showing signs of life for the first time this season! They
appear to be beating the crap out of each other! Looks like Willie Hayes is trying to hit Rick Vaughn, and why
not, everybody in the league's hitting him these days. Monty, Vaughn's carrying that left arm a little low. That
may hurt him in the later rounds!
Harry Doyle: Tanaka, formerly of the Tokyo Giants, knocks himself out cold for the third time this week. Maybe
in Japan that's better than actually catching the ball. Personally, I think he's just trying to get out of the
line up.
Mallrats
Brodie: It's like my grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free?"
---submitted by Kristen
Brodie: You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
Brodie: You look like the type of guy who would beg for sex. I should know, we can smell our own.
Gwen: Do you remember that costume party?
Brodie: Might that have been the party where you fucked Rick Derris on a pool table?
T.S.: Nobody remembers that, eh?
Gwen: How is it that you two always seem to remember the most trivial events in my life?
Brodie: I'll never forget it. How often do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Gwen: (grins) Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
Brodie & T.S.: Except for the mustache.
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gil: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gil: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gil: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them?
Gil: Yes... I mean, no
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!
T.S.: (reading Rene's break-up letter) Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints. "You have no direction, no college ambition, no
job prospects."
Brodie: It also says I have no dick. But you'll notice that follows the financial question, proving once more what women are
really looking for.
Man on the Moon
Andy Kaufman: You don't know the real me.
Lynn: There isn't a real you.
Andy Kaufman: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Meet Wally Sparks
Wally: Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up.
Message in a Bottle
Garrett: Loudmouth asshole.
B: What did you say?
Garrett: How'd you know I was talking about you?
Miami Rhapsody
Matt: Don't be cynical. Why do you always assume the worst about people?
Gwyn: Statistics.
Gwyn: I figure marriage is kind of like Miami: it's hot and stormy, and occasionally a little dangerous... but if
it's really so awful, why is there still so much traffic?
Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers
Mickey: Musketeers don't run from danger and, as long as we wear these uniforms, neither do we.
Donald: You said it. (rips off uniform) It's every duck for himself.
Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life
Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up you American.
You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you
something' and 'I just wanna say this', Well you're dead now, so shut up.
Mumford
Dr. Mumford: You must think positively. Are you positive your mother's a bitch?
My Best Friend's Wedding
George: It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.
George: You're probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth the way you do when you're really feeling down. Perhaps even looking at those nails thinking, "God, I should have stopped in all my evil plotting to have that manicure."
Jules: I have done nothing but underhanded, despicable, not even terribly imaginative things since I got here.
Kimmy: He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms.
My Girl
Vada: Today in Social Studies we learned how they kidnapped the Lindbergh baby right out of his house. I think I'll sleep with the window open tonight.
Vada: I'm not upset. I will never play with those girls. I only surround myself with people I find intellectually stimulating.
Vada:
Weeping willow, with your tears running down,
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day
Because he couldn't stay?
Weeping willow, stop your tears
There is something to calm your fears
You think death has ripped you forever apart
But I know he's always in your heart
Vada: I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls. Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas I got them a
camper and all they wanted to do was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset when they took that wrong
turn and went over the cliff.
Myra Breckenridge
Myra: (about the acting school) What you have assembled here are the national dregs, the misfits and neurotics. In short, the fuckups of our culture.
Buck Loner: That ain't so. They are the carefully selected candidates for future stardom.
Submissions and feedback are welcome. Send them to milburncreek@yahoo.com
Last Updated: February 15, 2009