My Boyfriend

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In case you haven't already figured it out by the button to the left of your screen that says boyfriend, I'm not exactly what society would consider the norm. Then again, I have two words for society. Fuck you! I'm who I am, and there's nothing that can change that, nor would I do anything about it even if there was the option of doing so. I used to think that there was something wrong with me. Indeed, after my last encounter with another guy before I got into high school, I felt like Hell. I was shaking and felt such guilt that it was impossible at the time for me to think straight. All I could think was, "My god, what have I done? What's wrong with me?" But from then on, things were never the same. For me, anyway. Don't get me wrong. I didn't wake up one morning, smack myself in the forhead and say, "Of course, I'm gay! That must be it!" No, it wasn'tlike that at all. Through junior high, I had been somewhat atracted to other guy's bodies, but only in a physical sense. I didn't think at the time that I could ever love one, let alone have a relationship with one. After all, let's face it, being in the Bible Belt and all, that kind of thing is not exactly acceptable here. Which gives me pause to point to the beginning of my second paragraph. But I get ahead of myself. At the time, I was frightened by my feelings. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And there was no one I felt like I could talk to, which was the first step in a very long journey of my bottling up my feelings, which I have only this past year began to step off the path I have tred for so long. But I digress again. The last time I really remember feeling very strongly for a girl was in my 9th grade year. She played soccer (as did I), and I thought I was in love with her. I realize now that it was merely an infatuation, but at the time, I was truly conviced I loved her. The rejection I got the last week of school when I tried to profess my feelings for her broke my heart, and once more and for the rest of high school, I did not allow myself to have feelings for anyone for fear of being hurt like that again. It also was another nail in the coffin of my not talking to anyone about what I was thinking or feeling.

I was the guy that you all know one of who never went out on a date on the weekend with a girl. Nor, did I go out with a guy, because I had not yet come to terms with those feelings. So I sat at home, and occasionally went to a dance or two. The only school dances I ever enjoyed myself at were my junior and senior prom, and I took the same girl to it two years in a row. I did go out on an occasional date later in high school, but it was always as friends. Even though the girls I went out with were friends, I felt nothing more for them than I do for any other close friend. There was no emotional attachment, nor did they arouse any physical desire. And all the while I grew more and more confused about my feelings. But still I had no one to talk to, for I felt that no one would understand what I was going through.

I guess it was the past summer that I finally came to the conclusion that I was bi. Don't jump down my throat about the boyfriend thing; I'm not finished yet. When I went away to Oglethorpe Univeristy in Atlanta, it was there that I finally came to terms with what I was. I did consider myself to be bi, and indeed though I could have a relationship with either a guy or a girl. Meanwhile, none of my family or friends knew about me until this past Easter. It was then that I told my best friend Matt that I was bi. However, I have always been more strongly attracted to, and though it possible I could fall in love with, a guy. How can I consder myself to be bi, you ask? Simply for the reason listed three sentences back.

It was also during this past summer of 96 that I finally started knocking down the walls I had built around myself and finally started allowing myself to feel again. This is due in a large part to a friend of mine in Maine, to whom I owe a debt I can never repay for helping me realize that I can still care for people and that there are people out there who will listen if you are only willing to take the time to talk to them. Our relationship is really another story though, and none of your business. It is enough that I tell you that all he is is a very close friend, for my heart belongs to another. Which brings me to the present.

On Wednesday, May the 28th 1997, I flew out to California to meet a friend of mine that I had been talking to for a long while on IRC on the Internet. I stayed out there a week and left the following Wed, but my heart stayed behind. Until I saw him, I thought I was capable of falling in love with either a guy or a girl. Now I know that the only person I have ever really been in love with is him. Which, I suppose, shatters the belief that I hold that I am bi. So be it. I do not care what anyone thinks of me for loving him. As soon as I saw him, something just clicked. There's really no other way to describe it. I didn't know what I was feeling for him until he himself brought up the question of whether or not I believed it was possible to know when you have found the right person because it just feels right to be with with them. In essence, you click with that person right off. It was at that moment I knew. I knew. And my life has not been the same since. Although we are sepearated by many, many miles, I know we will be together soon. As they say, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Since retruning home, I have taken several steps in the direction I feel that will make me happy. For that is all that matters. I dearly love my family and understand that this will hurt and confuse them, but in time they will come to understand and see Cody as I see him: a beautiful, caring person whom I want with all of my heart to be with.

Update: July 13, 1997: I flew back to California to be with Cody on this date. As I figured it would, my decision confused and hurt those closest to me. However, my parents and friends have come to understand and accept that this is where I want to be, even if they do not necessarily agree with my being so far away from home. I plan on being here for a while, and this update is my testimony to that, as I am still here and the date is now July 27th. If anything changes in the status quo of my situation, I'll fill ya'll in. :)