I asked my friend why his clothes always looked like they could use a washing. He answered: "I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
6. Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
10. I can see clearly now, the brain has gone.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
13. Mental floss prevents Moral Decay.
14. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
15. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
16. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
17. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
18. Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
19. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
20. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
21. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
22. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
23. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
24. Do witches run spell checkers?
25. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
26. Dain bramaged.
27. Department of Redundancy Department.
28. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
29. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
30. 24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case..... coincidence?
First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex. Multiply this number by 2. Add 5. Multiply that number by 50. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746.
Last step: Subtract the four digit year you were born. RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you wanted to have sex per week). The second and third digits are your age!
If Alexander Graham Bell was connected to the telephone, was it Alexander Graham Bellski that came up with the telephone pole?
Because if he were a teenager it wouldn't be any sacrifice.
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