My lawyer bought me a dozen Wilson-pro golf balls for Xmas.
My note of thanks included my surprise when I wrote: "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first surgeon said, "I think that accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "I think that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "I think that electricians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon said, "I think that lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"One hundred dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven year old?"

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..).

"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!"

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non ) damned lawyer to make it up here!"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A judge in a semi small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Using the same line of thought:

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and say: "That's Strange!"

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"

"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.'"

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world is there as good a cigar and we have so much of them that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

A few days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
And a second answer… You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

And also:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

ARIZONA STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Arizona State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut throat 2
8. Back stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy assed Civil Libertarian 7

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.

Two attorneys were sitting on a park bench. A really beautiful young woman walks by. First lawyer's eyes follow her a ways and he says to his companion, "Boy, I'd like to screw that!!"

Second lawyer looks at the young woman for a minute and asks the other guy, "Outta what?"

The lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery and said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"Ah, the reason. Well there is a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure," replied the physician.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs, "Where you going to find a lawyer? They are all down here."

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bedside.

"I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said, "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now, and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral, and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess: I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too must confess: I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could do that, At least I threw in a personal check for the full amount..."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney cross examined a pathologist. It went something like this:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Atty.: Did you listen to the heart?
Cor.: No.
Atty.: Did you check for breathing?
Cor.: No
Atty.: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Cor.: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty'. So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."

"Well then", the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"

"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.

"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.

"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", and then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement, which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out a thousand Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

After starting her own business, an investment counselor found she was doing so well, she needed to get in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers. "In this business," she stated to one of her first applicants, "our personal integrity must be beyond question. Do you consider yourself an honest lawyer, Mr. Ford?"

"I certainly do!" replied the lawyer. "I'm so honest that after my father loaned me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, I paid back every penny after my very first case."

The investment counselor was impressed. "What sort of case was it?" she asked.
The lawyer pressed his lips tightly for a moment before finally answering, "He sued me for the money."

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least five hundred thousand dollars, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. " . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . . ."
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.

"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.

"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

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