THIS SITE WILL SOON BE SHUT DOWN, THE NEW LINK IS

http://www.legobeaver.com/joeann/joesangels.html

THANKS MARIA FOR THE NEW SITE
It seems so many years ago that our family began. The happiness that our children gave us was more than I could have imagined.

Our first child was a very handsome son. We named him John Jr., after his dad. John was beautiful he had the biggest, brightest eyes. Every day was an adventure with him. When he was almost 2 we gave him a sister. Not just any sister but the most spectacular little girl. I had the gold at the end of the rainbow, a son and then a daughter. We were truly blessed.

Twelve hours after her birth, our world came to an end. She was born with a D-Transposition of the Great Vessels, for which there was no correction. She died at 21 days old. This occurred before she had even begun to live. Her name was Sherri Lynn. She had ceased to be except in the memories of our minds. I could not hold, I could not touch her little body again. There would be no midnight feeds, or tears to hush. Our hearts were broken and would never be the same. We attempted to go on. Innocence had been taken from us. A cloud of reality hung over our heads. I was not yet twenty one and my child had died. My arms physically ached to hold my little girl once again. I had carried her inside my body for 9 months and now I had nothing but a few memories and the pain to show she had been here.

We had a third child, Kyle Allen. I never dreamed that lightening could strike twice in the same family, but it did. Without warning, without thought for how we might suffer, it struck once more. Kyle was born at 4 am and by mid morning our world again fell apart. The pediatrician came in to tell us that our son had a very complicated heart defect. I began to scream in denial, hoping it would end this nightmare, but it continued. As though it were some consolation, he explained that he did not think Kyle’s defect was as grim as his sisters.

In some ways it did help, but I wanted a perfect heart. He had a 3rd. degree heart block, PDA, a Corrected Transposition of the Great Vessels, and a small VSD. In the years to come we found out he had Ebsteins Anamoly. He was an active child from the start, always a smile on his face. He was strong willed. This would benefit him no doubt, in the future. He lived a very normal life for the most part getting yearly checkups.

Kyle was 4 and John 8 when I gave birth to Christopher Ryan. He was born without heart problems. He did have the cord around his neck but it posed no problems. Kyle had always wanted me to have another child but I was fearful because of the heart problems. Chris brightened our days, he was so full of life and hope.

While pregnant for Chris, I began to notice unusual behavior in our eldest son, John. He ended up having a cancerous brain tumor, at nine years old. I screamed praying that this was a nightmare and that I would soon awake from it. John was a good kid. Why did it have to be him? He would have done anything possible for you. He was loving, he was brave, he was MY son. After 3 craniotomies, chemo, radiation he died at 15yrs. Old. We were forced to give up another child and the pain of grief was once again upon our home. He was there and then, he was gone. It was devastating without a doubt. There is nothing in life to prepare you for the knife that cuts so deeply to the very depths of your soul, ripping you apart without any anesthesia. It’s a pain that is not easily described. Had it not been for my remaining children and most of all, my faith in God, I would not have been able to go on.

I must say, even with those two things to help it was very difficult. I watched Kyle as he faced his own mortality after watching his older brother die. Knowing that his sister had also preceded him in death only added to his fears. He did not let the concern stop him from living.

When Kyle turned seventeen, a pacemaker was inserted due to his heart block. It didn't change his way of life. Kyle was always active in school he was on the yearbook staff, MC for a talent show. He was a basketball manager for our team and loved it. They seemed to love him as well. He did not let life get him down but forged forward living each day as though it were his last.

There were ups and downs and he learned to deal with them by writing. He would write in the form of a poem, his feelings of depression, pain, or love. He did this as therapy. I will say they were done quite well. He went to college and graduated with a degree in psychology and became a social worker.

He had open-heart surgery in 1993 for valve replacement and nearly died on the table. He survived the surgery and went on to marry a beautiful young woman. She loved Kyle despite the medical problems. Their marriage was blessed with a beautiful redheaded boy. We were made grandparents and we couldn't have been happier. Kyle was extremly pleased to find the love he had waited for all his life. To become a father was just an added blessing.

Two months after marrying, he had a stroke. He told me then “Mom I don’t want to be a moron.” I understood what he meant. He had always prided himself on his ability to think and not on his physical looks, as he was very thin. Now his mind was compromised by the stroke. He had difficulty with short- term memory, and numbers. This would make his job more challenging for him, no doubt. He was more determined than ever to work.

He went into heart failure that year and suffered another stoke. He was put on the heart-lung transplant list at Pittsburgh. He died waiting for the transplant. With his death went another part of me.

We had always been very close. I will grieve for the talks we would never have, for the advice he would never give, for the love we shared. I will grieve for the hugs I would no longer receive. Life will never be the same. I try to lean on God, knowing he will comfort me if I allow him to. After all he is the GOD of Comfort. Faith is believing without always having the answers to all my questions. It is trusting in the good times as well as the bad times.

I will attempt to carry on with the same bravery my children exhibited in the trials they experienced. They amazed me with their strength and courage. Reminding myself of their courage has helped me to survive. I sound brave don’t I? There is not a day that I don’t think about my children, missing them with all my being. How I wish, how I pray that it would never have happened. I would have given my own life, if that were possible.

We are a family that has grieved from the onset of our lives together. You are left with the feeling that things are incomplete. The loss of a child can never be compared to the loss of someone who lived a long, full life. A parent should never have to bury a child.

I must say that despite the adversities that we have all had to face, we were truly blessed to have had such wonderful children. They gave us so much to treasure in our hearts. Though that is never the same as being blessed to share life with them as most parents are fortunate to be able to do. Thank God each day for your children, because life is so short.

Chris is now married and he and his wife have twin sons. Jenny & Nick (Kyle's wife and son) remain very close to us and I appreciate their love with all my heart. God knew that we would need them to help us as we grieved for our son. They mean the world to us.

There is so much more to our lives that I cannot express in this short story. I hope one day to be able to write something based on our lives with our children. My only intent in doing this would be to help others in their journey of grief. I also want to let the world know there is MORE to me than meets the eye.

We must band together to work thru this grief, for it lasts a lifetime. To love someone so deeply, means you also will grieve deeply. Grief is all comsuming. There are days you can't function, you can't think. You wonder if you will ever come out of this valley of pain, loss. Be patient with yourself, allow time to grief for your loss.

If I can say anything to others around grieving parents, don't offer advice, don't say they are better off.....just be there supporting us, loving us, never giving up on us. Be patient with us. It is a roller coaster ride, some days we are up, then the slightest reminder might bring us down again. Mention our childrens names, remind us of funnier, happier times, and if we should cry, allow us to shed those tears without judgement.

Click on the arrow below to see each of our kids. Before you go please sign our guestbook so I know you have been here, and thank you for stopping by to share our children with us. Though they are no longer here physically, the memory of them lives on in our hearts. It is so important for a grieving parent to be able to share that memory.

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