One Liners
Subject:
Southern Fried Humor to start the day
Date:
Mon, 1 Jun 1998 09:20:33
Top 20 things a Southerner would never
say:
20. Duct tape won't fix that.
19. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch
Michael.
18. Come to think of it, I'll have a
Heineken
17. We don't keep firearms in this
house.
16. You can't feed that to the dog.
15. Wrasslin's fake.
14. We're vegetarians.
13. Do you think my hair is too big?
12. Who's Richard Petty?
11. I just couldn't find a thing at
Wal-Mart today.
10. Trim the fat off that steak.
9. The tires on that truck are too
big.
8. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
7. I've got two cases of Zima for the
Super Bowl.
6. She's too old to be wearing a
bikini.
5. Does the salad bar have bean
sprouts?
4. I don't have a favorite college
team.
3. I believe you cooked those green
beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little
longer, Darla.
#1. ELVIS WHO?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympic?
Computer Gender Lists
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE 5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection. 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own. 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system. 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention. TOP FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE 5. No one but their creator understands their logic. 4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Van Gough Relatives
>Van Gogh Family Tree > After much careful research it has been discovered that the >artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: > > His obnoxious brother.............................Please Gogh > His dizzy aunt ...................................Verti Gogh > The brother who ate prunes........................Gotta Gogh > The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh > The grandfather from Yugoslavia...................U Gogh > The brother who bleached his clothes white........Hue Gogh > The cousin from Illinois..........................Chica Gogh > His magician uncle................................Wherediddy Gogh > His Mexican cousin................................Amee Gogh > The Mexican cousin's American half brother........Grin Gogh > The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh > The constipated uncle ............................Cant Gogh > The ballroom dancing aunt.........................Tan Gogh > The bird lover uncle..............................Flamin Gogh > His nephew psychoanalyst..........................E Gogh > An aunt who taught positive thinking..............Wayto Gogh > The little nephew.................................Poe Gogh > A sister who loved disco..........................Ahgo Gogh > And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh > > > >
Dough-boy Dies
This is a hoot! >> Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a >severe yeast >> infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, >Fresh was an >> avid gardener and tennis player. >> >> Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in >recent years. >> Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, >the California >> Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess >Twinkies, >and > Skippy. >> >> The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend >Aunt Jemima >> delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never >knew how much >he > was kneaded. " >> >> Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was >filled with >> many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, >wasting much >of > his dough on half-baked schemes-conned by those who buttered him >up. >> Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for >millions. >> >> Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children >and another >> bun in the oven. >> >> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. >> > > > > >
One-liners
03:41 PM 04/13/1998 >> Random Questions >> >> Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? >> >> Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people >> appear bright until you hear them speak? >> >> If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as >> cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? >> >> Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery >is >> dead? >> >> Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? >> Shouldn't they be called builts? >> >> Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? >> >> Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them >> what time it is? >> >> Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? >> >> Why does sour cream have an expiration date? >> >> The light went out, but where to? >> >> Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they >> already know you don't have? >> >> Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? >> >> Why is the alphabet in that order? >> >> If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is >> expanding, what is it expanding into? >> >> If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would >> the taxi driver end up owing you money? >> >> What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? >> >> If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the >> other trees make fun of it? >> >> Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? >> >> When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It >> sounds like a near hit to me!! >> >> Do fish get cramps after eating? >> >> Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? >> >> Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge >of >> everything outdoors? >> >> Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? >> >> Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell >> him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. >> >> How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked >> when someone threw a gun at him? >> >> If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of >> progress? >> >> Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid >> contains real lemons? >> >> Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? >> >> Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? >> >> Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? >> >> Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? >> >> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? >> >> Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? >> >> What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? >> >> Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? >> >> Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? >> >> Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM >> longer? >> >> Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More One Liners
-- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. -- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? -- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. -- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. -- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. -- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. -- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. -- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. -- Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. -- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. -- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. -- Budget: A method for going broke methodically. -- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. -- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. -- COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key -- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. -- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. -- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL -- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN -- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. -- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! -- Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! -- C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. -- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. -- ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) -- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. -- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. -- Windows: Just another pane in the glass. -- SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . -- All computers wait at the same speed. -- DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. -- Press -- to continue ... -- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... -- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... -- E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. -- Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! -- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. -- DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS -- Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS -- Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! -- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... -- Read my chips: No new upgrades! -- Hit any user to continue. -- I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! -- Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? -- Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. -- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup -- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic -- (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? -- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -- Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. -- Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. -- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. -- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. -- ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... -- A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. -- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... -- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. -- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! -- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? -- Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. -- Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. -- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. -- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. -- <-------- The information went data way --------> -- E Pluribus Modem -- Does fuzzy logic tickle? -- 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. -- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. -- RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?A: Pregnant
Subject: Rum Cake Date: Thu, 20 Mar 1997 19:07:05 -0600 THE BEST RUM CAKE EVER! 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 cup butter 1 tsp. Sugar 2 large eggs 1 cup dried fruit Baking powder 1 tsp. Soda lemon juice brown sugar nuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead and select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again...it must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glas dan drink it as fast and you can. REPEAT... With and electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspeen of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open a second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (It really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar or whater color you find. Wix mel. Grease oven and tuen cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pur the whole mess in the coven and cake. Check the rum again...
Thank You For Your Time
Credit for the background to Rose's Background Links for the link to SDSU bg archive . Thanks, folks.
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