PART 13 - An Al-Anon Group refuses to hold a Group Conscience at my Request and Demand that I Leave
You may think it strange that I who battled for so long to get to an Al-Anon group should decide to no longer attend Al-Anon. Well, there were a number of circumstances which led to me taking that decision. I felt I had not choice - and to with hindsight I feel it was the best course of action.
I had been attending an Al-Anon near where my parents lived when I visited them every few weeks. I had been starting to find recovery there. However, it had not been without its difficulties.
While attending the group I shared about what was done to me by the groups in my local district and the effect the ban had had on me. As the weeks went by I grew increasingly frustrated by the attitude of the members in that group. Although they initially said what happened was wrong nobody gave any indication that they would try to help me resolve the situation. I suppose they were practising detachment.
One member suggested I contact the Area Delegate of their Area and see if she could do anything to resolve the situation of the groups not respecting The Twelve Traditions. (I since learned that their Area Delegate already knew and approved of me being banned).
However, there was another member at the group who resented the fact that I was expressing how I was feeling. I realise now that she just wanted to go to a quiet non-program meeting, where everybody just sat and smiled, and she did not want to hear me share my experiences.
In Al-Anon we are told to share our experience, strength and hope. If you have had a bad experience it is important to share that too. How else to do you recover if you do not have a chance to "talk out" what has happened to you?
Anyway, this one particular member starting to snipe at my sharings and I began to find her attitude quite tiresome. She was living with active alcoholism and if she had followed the specific advice written down carefully in exact detail in the chapter "To Wives" in the AA Big Book she would not have had to put up with her lot.
I remember one occasion when a member was sharing about the alcoholic being verbally abusive towards her and asking the group if anyone had any suggestions. They all sat like vegetables so I shared and mentioned "Boundaries" and trying to decide if certain behaviour is unacceptable and to actively make an effort not to put up with that behaviour. The bitter member, who disliked me, then sniped at my sharing and said "I don't try to give out advice especially when it is none of my f***ing business, and I think the person knows who I am talking about".
I was furious but I realise with hindsight that I handled the situation quite well. I then shared and said "When I attend a meeting I would never dream of sniping at another person's sharing if they are trying to be helpful or sharing honestly. If someone snipes at my sharing I just think to myself, 'Well, that's where they're at in their recovery'." (I then moved my hand in a condescending downward motion to signify how low the person was to snipe).
I began to get increasingly fed up with the fact that nobody seemed to be overly bothered that I had been banned, that traditions had been broken. I suppose they were too busy feeling sorry for themselves. I also suppose there was a strange kind of twisted loyalty in Al-Anon in that groups could never possibly be wrong or break traditions so it must be all my fault.
The final straw came when at the Area Assembly meeting for that Area I asked the GR of the group to ask the Area Assembly to discuss my concerns at the traditions being broken and to ask the Area Assembly if they would consider sending a letter to the Area Assembly covering the district I had been banned from to advise them that I had been attending meetings for a year in their own Area and had not been disruptive. The GRs of my own district had been telling the other Area Assembly that I was severely disturbed, extremely mentally ill etc etc and had destroyed my reputation.
At their Area Assembly the meeting went on as usual and then after the agenda had been followed the chairperson moved to close the meeting. Meanwhile the GR just sat there like a coma victim. I spoke up and said "Excuse me, but my GR has an item for discussion". The GR was roused from her sleep and said "Oh yes. aah... mm.. What was it you wanted me to say? You tell them I can't put it into words."
I sighed inwardly. I asked the Area Assembly to discuss if they would be willing to send a letter to the Area Assembly of the district I was banned from advising them that I had not been disruptive at meetings in their Area. Just then the Area Delegate of that Area piped up that this was a business meeting and I was raising a personal matter which was not a business matter. The chairperson of the Area Assembly was from my own group and she agreed most vocally with the Area Delegate. The GR sat and said nothing. I noticed some of the members of my own group exchanging smirks and a few were laughing at me. I was absolutely disgusted. Under Concept V the rights of appeal and petition are supposed to protect minorities and assure that they be heard but in Al-Anon groups and structure are a law unto themselves and have total contempt for Al-Anon principles. I got up and walked out, and never set a foot in that meeting again.
I subsequently checked with GSO and I did have the right to raise my concerns at that Area Assembly, and Area Assemblies do send letters to each other about individual Al-Anon members eg references for Alateen sponsors etc.
Regarding, the other group near where I lived but which was not part of the local district - why do I not attend that? Well, I had decided to join the Cursillo movement and they met on the same night that group met. I did very much regret having to make the decision between going to that Al-Anon group and going to Cursillo but felt that as Al-Anon had let me down (and Cursillo never has) I would go to Cursillo.
By a curious twist of fate, two of the Al-Anon groups in my local district (which I had never attended but following the instructions of the local District had banned me) help group conscience meetings and decided to permit me to attend.
I had attended a few of their meetings. One group was small (about 5 members) and the other much larger (about 20 members). At the larger group I found I could not share. My self-confidence had been badly damaged and I could sense hostility from some of the members so I was unable to speak. At the small group I was able to share but the members were hostile. They even had a rule at the small group that you were only allowed to talk about the chosen topic during your sharing. If you talked about something other than the topic the secretary would interrupt you and prevent you from sharing.
At one meeting the topic was "changing the things I can". I shared what I felt was a relevant sharing on "changing the things I can". There were a couple of newcomers who were quite supportive of my sharing so I realised there was nothing wrong in what I was saying. However, there were the usual embittered long-term Al-Anon members there too who were screwing up their faces in bitterness while I was talking. After I finished sharing the secretary turned to the next person asking them to share and pointedly reminded them in an angry, embittered voice "AND THE TOPIC IS 'CHANGING THE THINGS I CAN', OK?" I was a bit taken aback and the anger in her voice, and her implying that I had deliberately not talked about the topic. One of the things which has amazed me so much in Al-Anon were the amount of Al-Anon members who had such anger towards me, people who didn't know me as a person, people I didn't even know, people I had not had a conversation with in my life...
I realise that Al-Anon is different throughout the world. The Traditions are there to ensure unity that the Al-Anon program will be available at every meeting. However, because groups do not have an unwritten contract to adhere to The Traditions there is no guarantee what you will find when you walk through the doors of a group that uses the Al-Anon name. No Traditions = No Program. It's that simple.
Anyway, I no longer attend those groups any more - not since February 2001. The reason?
Well, I had attempted to again raise my Concept V appeal at the local district meeting (you know, the one who issued to edict instructing the groups to ban me). However, it was winter time. At the first scheduled meeting there was a sudden snowfall and it was cancelled. However, I was not advised and left standing in the snow for over an hour. There was an Al-Anon meeting due to be held after the District meeting. (All District meetings are held at an Al-Anon group venue - usually one hour before the scheduled Al-Anon meeting is due to start). The GR, who did not know me, asked if my name was -------- (ie my own name). I replied that it was and she said that I would have to leave as I had been banned from the group following the decision of the group conscience. I told her that I had to be present at the group conscience meeting for that to happen. She then said, "Oh, I didn't realise that..." I entered the room and sat down. She made me a cup of tea and sat down and chatted to me. Eventually, as a gesture of goodwill on my part I agreed to leave and she said she would discuss the matter with other members.
The following week I attended again expected the District meeting to be held. However, nobody told the person who had the keys to the room and we were left outside (typical Al-Anon incompetence). It was raining. Everybody had sat in their cars and watched me get wet. I had been standing in the rain for an hour. Eventually we entered the room. The District members sat down and debate ensued as regards whether to re-schedule the District meeting. The members of the Al-Anon group arrived and demanded that they have their Al-Anon meeting start on time. The District was left with no choice but to postpone their meeting.
I was thoroughly miserable and wet. A member of the ACoA focus group entered the room and I started chatting to her. I noticed some members huddled in a corner, whispering conspiratorially with each other. The GR then approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I got up from my chair, but memories of the physical assault at the other Al-Anon group were still fresh in my mind so I did not leave the room. She said that the decision of the group conscience was that I was banned from the group. There were other embittered Al-Anon members present who were nodding their heads.
I then asked that a group conscience be held to discuss my being banned from the group. One of the other Al-Anon members spoke up, and I shall never forget how she sort of curled up her nose and said, "No you can't call a group conscience because you are not a member of this group". Now it is worth noting, and this is important for the victims of alcoholism, that I know my rights and any Al-Anon has the right to call a group conscience meeting. I demanded to know why I was banned because I had never been disruptive at that group (the whole row emanated from what had happened at the 1999 Convention - not at the groups).
The members then said I was excluded in order to protect the anonymity of the group. I replied "Well, my anonymity is important too and that hasn't been protected". (The GR knew my name, even though she had never met me, and knew to prevent me from attending the group). I said "Look I have been to other groups since the convention and I have not been disruptive." Another member said, "Oh but other things have happened since then..." I was at a loss to know what she could be referring to (obviously malicious gossip about me).
I was totally fed up with their sick, irrational behaviour and returned to my seat. I said, "Look if I have offended or hurt anyone in this room I am truly sorry but I need to get to a meeting tonight." They insisted that I leave.
I then stated that I was not leaving the room and if anyone physically assaulted me I would report them to the police (I had already noted their car registration plates).
One member angrily said "Nobody is going to prevent me from attending an Al-Anon meeting". I said "I am not preventing anyone from attending an Al-Anon meeting. I am a member of Al-Anon and I would like to attend this meeting".
"OK, we'll have no meeting then", she snorted. The members then began to get up to leave. The Area Delegate who was there began shaking her head in disbelief, "As Area Delegate I have done all I can", she said. And so she had. She had asked them to hold group conscience meetings, which they did and continued to break the traditions by permanently banning me.
The member from ACoA said "Look, your not welcome here. You should leave." That really cut. Here was a member from ACoA and instead of speaking out at the Traditions being broken (the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend) she instead was reacting with indifference, selfishly wanting the meeting to go ahead without me.
I was disgusted beyond words. "OK then - I will leave". I got up and left the room. I have not set foot in an Al-Anon group since then. I made the decision that until this disgusting debacle is resolved, I will not subject myself to sick Al-Anon behaviour.
That was one of many low points in my experience with Al-Anon. However, surely the situation with the Regional Service Seminar must rank as the worst. It is the main reason why I am banned from contacting the lying WSO staff...