PART 14 - The Regional Trustee Meets me at ACoA and Suggests I attend the Forthcoming Al-Anon Regional Service Seminar
Around about the time I had been just banned from Al-Anon (1999) the local Al-Anon Information Centre suggested that I could contact the Regional Trustee to discuss my concerns. He had been approached and was agreeable to speaking with me. He also agreed to the passing on of his home address to me.
I was slightly surprised that he agreed to his personal address being given out but I suppose that was an attempt on his part to show that he had some level of trust with regard to me (but more on that later…)
I composed a letter and sent it to the Regional Trustee, making him aware that I had been banned from meetings and really needed to go to Al-Anon. I also referred to The Twelve Traditions and how they had been broken. (It is interesting to note that not yet has anybody in Al-Anon ever admitted to The Twelve Traditions having been broken by the groups. The groups insist that they have not, the Executive Director of WSO insisted that they had not been broken – I’ve stopped being astounded by the depth of denial that exists within Al-Anon).
I honestly believe that the critical period for me in my recovery were the four months after the 1999 Convention. During that time I was not allowed to go to Al-Anon (despite pleading with the local Al-Anon Information Centre, GSO and WSO). I shall never forget the emotional pain I was in (although thankfully I have managed to crush all my feelings down again and am able to function somewhat).
During the period December 1999 to February 2001 I did eventually manage to get to some Al-Anon meetings. These were the Al-Anon group near where my parents lived, the group near where I lived but which was not part of the local District (although the Al-Anon Information Centre had not told me about the existence of that group!), two groups in the local district who one year after the blanket ban lifted their own ban (groups, incidentally, I had never attended before) and then there was ACoA.
Now, bear with me while I share my experience of ACoA. A sadder group of people I never encountered in my life. These were people who were the closest to myself in how alcoholism can affect you. I believe there are three players in the alcoholic drama. These are:-
(a) the problem drinker
(b) the partner of the problem drinker
(c) the child of the problem drinker and the partner of the problem drinker
Broadly speaking the three fellowships for these 3 players are
(a) AA
(b) Al-Anon
(c) ACoA
I am well aware of the ACA fellowship which is separate from Al-Anon but the ACoA group I went to was a focus group for adult children of alcoholics within Al-Anon. I’ll never forget how the prissy office manager of the local Al-Anon Information Centre (you know, the bimbo who passed on my home address to the alcoholics who assaulted me and then instructed her solicitors to tell the judge that she had no obligation of confidentiality towards me) once corrected me when I referred to ACoA and said “That’s not part of Al-Anon!” ACoA is part of Al-Anon – in the form of the focus groups, ACA is the entirely separate fellowship for adult children which is not affiliated with Al-Anon (the reason being that there are adult children of drug addicts in that fellowship whose parents did not have a drink problem). But I digress…
ACoA was the first 12 Step program I ever went to (if you can call it that given that they never practised the 12 steps…) I first joined it in June 1998. Of all things, I had been to a novena at a local church (a relationship I had been in ended very badly, leaving me very hurt and as always, one usually turns to religion to seek some kind of consolation). I noticed a poster for Al-Anon.
As you know, the public relations policy of Al-Anon is based on promotion rather than attraction. I read the glossy advertising poster and was taken in by what I now know was a tissue of lies. I said “Problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend? Al-Anon can help.” I knew about Al-Anon previously because my mother had been to it nearly 20 years before and I though Al-Anon was just a place where women went to complain about a problem drinker and moan a lot (on subsequent experience my opinion has not changed on that one…)
I think it was the last word “help” which caught my eye. At the time I felt like I was falling apart and I knew I needed help. Al-Anon promised that. Al-Anon makes a lot of empty promises.
There was a woman from Al-Anon (well, it is a woman’s society) one could go to to find out more about Al-Anon. I went to where she was located that there was an recovering alcoholic who was also there to talk about AA. I’ll never forget the fuss both of them made about AA and Al-Anon being totally separate. I remember thinking to myself “but surely the point is to help everyone get better why all the fuss about them being separate”. It was just the fuss they made about them being separate from each other which I found somehow a bit strange.
I often thought it strange when I had been growing up that my mother and father went to separate meetings. I remembered the constant arguing that went one and I thought to myself “why can’t they go to the same meeting and learn how to live with each other”. For me that seemed to be the fundamental problem. They just did not know how to live with themselves.
The alcoholic didn’t know how to live with himself and the partner didn’t know how to live with the alcoholic. Surely if they went to the same place they would both sort themselves out. (I of course learnt later on that originally that is what exactly happened – both the alcoholic and his partner went to the same closed 12 step meeting and learned how to live with each other – Dr Bob, co-founder of AA, said he never would have got sober without his wife by his side, and by the way Anne Smith, wife of Dr Bob, never set foot in an Al-Anon meeting – the reason being Al-Anon did not exist until after her death – and she didn’t die in 1948 despite what Lois Wilson said in her autobiography…)
Anyway, I spoke to the Al-Anon member to find out what she had to say about Al-Anon. To be honest, at the time I felt a bit awkward talking to her because my father hadn’t had a drink in over 10 years and I remember thinking “what can Al-Anon offer me?” She told me about her own son and how he had been affected, and immediately I could identify with some of the characteristics, which up until then I did not realise I had acquired because of my background. I became interested and she give me a sheet of meetings. She referred to the ACoA group and told me to go to that one as it was a focus group relevant to my own situation. She gave me no encouragement to attend the ordinary Al-Anon meetings which I had learned later on would be necessary for my own recovery (I also realise now that she had her own motives for not doing so).
And so in June 1998 I took my first step on what would become quite a rocky road to recovery. A lot of people in Al-Anon talk about being on a journey, and as you know sometimes it is not the destination which matters but the way that you travel. My travelling would later prove to be quite painful…
I went to my first ACoA meeting. I was one of the first people there (I always have a thing about being on time, something which apparently was not shared by other ACoA members…) The meeting was due to start at 8.30 pm and I was there at 8.20 pm. Shortly before 8.30 pm another member arrived (and apparently it was only her second meeting). Eventually, the secretary arrived and he asked if it was my first meeting and I told him it was. He got out some literature (mostly leaflets) and said I could purchase whatever I liked. I picked up a few and started to read them. There seemed to be a lot of hope in the leaflets. You got a sense of people somehow or other improving their quality of life and that appealed to me too.
Other ACoA members started to arrive and the meeting began. The secretary welcomed me to the group and so did the others. I remember at the time feeling the first glimmers of hope. This was an environment I had never been in before. People talking about things that really mattered and listening to what I had to say. Nothing about the sharing particularly stood out for me but I do remember a sense of familiarity about some of the feelings that people shared about. When it was my turn to speak I talked mostly about the alcoholic. At the time I felt I had to justify why I was at the group otherwise they would not listen to me so I felt I had not choice but to prove that I qualified for membership ie talking about the alcoholic. Yes, those were innocent days then…
We went for coffee afterwards to a local coffee shop, people chatted and one member gave me a lift home. It was a very positive experience. I remember them saying to try Al-Anon for at least six meetings and not to make my mind up until I had attended at least six meetings. It was as well I had heard that. The second meeting was awful.
The secretary had given me his telephone number after the first meeting. I hadn’t called him because to be honest I did not feel the need to. It was still early days for me in Al-Anon and I suppose my situation was different in that the alcoholic was already sober. At the second meeting I went to I again met the secretary and I was just about to greet him when he pointedly snubbed me. He spent the whole evening giving me the cold shoulder. I was a little puzzled and spent most of the meeting wondering how I had offended him (I later concluded it was because I had not phoned him). None of the members welcomed me back which I thought was a little cold. They all shared in a very rambling way and to be frank I found the meeting boring, dull and overly long (it had been longer than the first meeting). After the meeting was over they all huddled into little groups talking with each other and I felt totally left out. I was a little puzzled by the behaviour of the group. They decided not to have coffee that evening but fortunately the same member who had been at the previous meeting gave me a lift home. Suddenly as I was leaving the mood of the secretary changed and he began talking to me and told me to come back the following week.
Being the kind of person that I am, I had made a decision to go to Al-Anon for six meetings. Based on that second meeting I thought Al-Anon was useless but I knew I still had another four meetings to go to.
I did continue to attend the group for another four months. It’s strange but as the weeks went by I did notice my self-confidence improving and it was a place where gradually I began to open up and be vulnerable (which inevitably left me open to being hurt by sick people…)
Some of the sharings from other members began to perturb me slightly. One woman had separated from her alcoholic husband. He was unemployed and she was working trying to raise her two children. Her baby sitter could not cover for the last hour of her workday and she had asked her alcoholic husband if he could look after the children for just that one hour (now do remember that he was unemployed and had nothing to do all day). Well, he told her “I don’t know if I can meet that responsibility”. She told the group “… and he’s really trying, he’s trying so hard, he’s really, really trying”. I was horrified. I thought “Oh my God, he’s not trying at all! What on earth is she talking about?” I of course realise in hindsight that she was heavily in denial, and seriously co-dependant. But at the time I could not understand her behaviour, which did alarm me.
I noticed that other members’ sharings were a bit off-the-wall and frankly I thought quite a few of them were a bit crazy.
However, one evening during a sharing of my own (as each week had gone by I became more open) I was particularly vulnerable and the group reacted quite judgementally. I realise now I was seeking affirmation from sick people who were incapable of giving it – an unreasonable expectation. The member who usually gave me a lift home gave me a little pep talk in the car and she was really judgemental making me feel very small. I decided to leave the group.
I did attend another 12 step program shortly after that but that is a totally different story and one which I will leave for now.
Suffice to say I began attending ordinary Al-Anon meetings again about six months later. These were entirely different from ACoA and certainly my recovery took a new direction there. Unfortunately, a chain of events unfolded which led to my emotional upset at the 1999 convention and the subsequent blanket ban.
The local Al-Anon Information Centre had told me that I was banned from all groups in the local district, which included ACoA. Of course there was that other Al-Anon group near me which was not part of the local district and which the Al-Anon Information Centre did not inform me about.
In January 2000 I made a decision to go to ACoA again. According to the Al-Anon Information Centre I was banned from that group but I was desperate at that time and decided to go to the group. I went armed with the booklet “Twelve Steps and Traditions” in case anyone tried to argue about upholding The Twelve Traditions. I’ll never forget the sense of fear as I approached the group meeting place “What if they stand at the door and don’t let me in, what if they physically assault me and drag me out into the street, what if? What if? What if?” As it turned out my fears were groundless.
The members looked at me with indifference, and there were a few there who I had not known from previously. The meeting began and the sharing started. It was my turn to share and I didn’t share all that much, just that I had been going through a difficult time. The next member began to share and suddenly I found myself crying. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I realise with hindsight that partly it was relief that I had been allowed to attend the group, and partly due to sadness that my experience with Al-Anon had soured so much.
But hey, what does not kill us makes us grow stronger and I am a stronger person today as a result of that pain, though perhaps a little bit too hard and unsympathetic, but that’s what Al-Anon does to you…
On my second return to ACoA I was even more aware that there was a certain craziness in the sharings. Nobody did The Twelve Steps and there was no sponsorship either. I'll never forget listening almost open-jawed to one particular member. This was a woman who was new to ACoA on my second return. She had a bit of an ego and did tend to monopolise the meetings. She was sharing that at one of the ordinary Al-Anon meetings she had been asked to do the chair (that is an expression for when a member opens the meeting by sharing for a few minutes [or longer depending on the member!] their own life story ie what is was like, what happened, and what it is like for them now). After the meeting some guy went over to her and said he could identify with something she said. Apparently he had misheard her and she hadn't said it (it was something so trivial I can't even remember what it was he thought she had said). I'll shall never forget how she made a real fuss about it.
She said "... and I hadn't said it. He said he could identify with it and... and... and I hadn't said. And I went home, and I went to bed, and I couldn't sleep ... and I hadn't said it. And it was too late, and I couldn't phone anybody... and I hadn't said it!" I was almost open-mouthed in amazement. I thought to myself, "So he misheard what you said. What is the big deal? If I had a nickel for everytime someone misheard what I said I'd be a billionaire." It was that kind of crazy over-reaction which used to make me feel very uncomfortable at ACoA. They were all carrying the disease and nobody was carrying the message. One ACoA member even snootily told me that The Twelve Steps were only for alcoholics and they did not have to do them.
Anyway, the Regional Trustee agreed to meet me at the ACoA group. He arrived late and during his sharing he referred to another member’s sharing and talked about it. I immediately noticed the annoyed expressions on some of the other faces.
ACoA was a very different place from an ordinary Al-Anon meeting. At the ACoA group they do not allow Crosstalk. This occurs when you refer to another member’s sharing or mention their name. I would have to say that this was one of the most beneficial elements of my recovery at other groups – allowing members to crosstalk. It allowed you to gain feedback from other members, sometimes in a spirit of love – sometimes hostility but hey – no pain, no gain!
After the meeting he spoke with me and said that he would like to meet me before the group next week which I agreed to. At these meetings he discussed my ban and basically that it was up to the groups alone to decide who could or could not attend. The discussion although amicable were ultimately futile. There was a Regional Service Seminar due to be held in about six months and he suggested that I go to it.
So I decided to go to the Al-Anon Regional Service Seminar. I filled out the application form and sent of the registration fee. I received the receipt from GSO. One would have thought it would have been a straight-forward matter.
However, the groups I had been banned from still wanted to further their revenge and extend it to the Regional Service Seminar…