PART 6 - Being Physically Assaulted at the Al-Anon Group
After the group conscience meeting held on 1 September 1999, which voted to ban me, I did not attend any Al-Anon meetings for over three months. I made this decision because that group had broken The Traditions and any trust I had in Al-Anon was seriously damaged. Part of the problem I had with Al-Anon in the first place, was that the idea of "Detachment" was wrong and had been misunderstood and overemphasised (as stated by Lois Wilson, co-founder of Al-Anon in her autobiography "Lois Remembers").
I couldn't just sit in the meetings and let them talk about Detachment when I knew that it was wrong. I now realise that they lacked the IQ to understand how Detachment was wrong. My expectations of them were unrealistic. However, I was horrified by the way The Traditions had been broken and the "couldn't care less" attitude of GSO and WSO. "Every group is autonomous" they kept saying. And I would say, "except in matters which affect other groups or Al-Anon or AA as a whole". Then I would be told that The Traditions were not rules but suggestions. However, there is no way I would permit myself to be vulnerable at meetings knowing I could be punished at any time because of something I shared at a meeting - I thought that was obscene.
Anyway, after three months I decided to attend another Al-Anon group. My recovery had been badly disrupted by the decision of the other group to ban me but I decided to risk attending Al-Anon again.
On 18 November 1999 I attended a different Al-Anon group. I had been a regular attendee at the group I had been banned from but this particular group I went to I had only been to about three times. I entered the room and sat down beside an Al-Anon member and began chatting with her.
As usual with Al-Anon, there were only women at the meeting. I noticed that the women were exchanging annoyed glances with each other. One woman in particular made it clear by her body language that she did not want me there. Just then, another Al-Anon member entered the room, stood for a moment and looked at me. The member then asked to speak to me outside. I felt a little uneasy but agreed to speak with her outside the room.
As I stood outside the room she informed me that the group had previously held a group conscience and voted to exclude me from the group. I pointed out that they were not adhering to The Traditions.
"Yes, we are", she lied. At that point the secretary joined us in the hallway and said, "I don't want him at this meeting". I produced the copy of the booklet 'Twelve Steps and Traditions' (I had come prepared) and referred to Tradition One explaining to them in simple language, and making allowances for IQ, that in order to ban a member you had to hold a group conscience first and provide them with an opportunity to change and that banning was only a last resort.
"Every group is autonomous" they said and then they complained that I was delaying the start of the meeting. I said that I was not delaying the meeting but that I needed to attend an Al-Anon meeting. The secretary told me to attend another group. I told her I did not have a car, and there were no other groups meeting nearby. I offered to remain silent at the meeting if they did not want to hear me share (Al-Anon members are bad listeners I had discovered).
It was at that point that I was physically assaulted (the bruises healed some time later), grabbed hold of and pushed out the door (which was already open).
I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I went to an Al-Anon meeting, was quietly chatting to another Al-Anon member and here I was being pushed out the door onto the street. I was hysterical.
I had brought a box of chocolates and a card, by way of apology, for the woman I had argued with at the end of the meeting at the convention. The members, who by this stage had congregated at the door and were watching me being pushed out, lifted the bag which contained the chocolates and card out of the room and passed them out to me. I asked that the chocolates and card be given to the woman I had argued with at the convention.
"Give these to Roberta".
"I don't know any Roberta", lied the Al-Anon member (Al-Anon members and Al-Anon staff lie a lot I had discovered).
"She comes here to this meeting" (although she had not been there that night, she had been there on the three previous occasions and was well known to the group).
"There are three Robertas who come to this group", lied the Al-Anon member. "What is her surname?"
"I don't know her surname. She comes here all the time."
After further altercation, they eventually took the chocolates and card off me and I was pushed out the gate, the padlock was placed on it and locked. At this stage I was absolutely hysterical. The Al-Anon member, who was putting the padlock on the gate and coldly staring at my tears, said she was going to pray for me (Al-Anon members tend to say that a lot - "Faith without works is dead" - they practise a dead faith). I told the Al-Anon member I was going home to cut my wrists and I staggered across the road, just avoiding the car which was coming down it.
I continued to walk, in a state of unbelief, I just couldn't believe that had happened. During a subsequent conversation with the Regional Trustee, when I told him about this episode, he just looked at me and said "Well, if that's what really happened." I had been telling the truth but I subsequently learned that the Regional Trustee had been lying to me (well, you do judge other people by your own standards) so naturally he would assume I was a liar by nature too. I'm not. Truth is very precious to me.
In my despair I thought of suicide. On my way home I tried to decide what was the best way to do it...