PART 8 - The Al-Anon Information Centre Circulates Home Address Amongst Alcoholics
Looking back on it now I realise that my mental health suffered a great deal because of what happened to me in Al-Anon. I have since received therapy and my therapist has advised me that he believes I went through some kind of nervous breakdown after I had been physically assaulted at the Al-Anon meeting in November 1999.
I had gone to the meetings, had become vulnerable and opened up in my sharing, and because I had been honest in my sharing (instead of the usual platitudes one hears at meetings "I am so grateful to this fellowship" etc) people did not want to hear my honesty, they preferred to stay comfortable in their denial and in consequence I was punished with the ban. A lot of members were using the meetings to dump and were not sharing with any real honesty about themselves but instead complained about the alcoholic or their ungrateful children.
It does say in the literature that punishment runs counter to the spirit of Al-Anon. The groups were punishing me by denying me my recovery because they said I had "ruined the convention".
Sometimes when I read the literature I think to myself "Wow, isn't this Al-Anon must be a wonderful fellowship" but in actual fact the descriptions of Al-Anon in the literature do not even bear a passing resemblance to what it is like in reality. Some people have told me that if that is how I feel about Al-Anon why do I wish to go to the meetings. Well, the simple truth is having grown up in an alcoholic home you learn to make do with what you can get. Therapy is expensive. There are no dues for membership of Al-Anon. And, to be honest, there is no alternative. Al-Anon is the only worldwide organisation that provides meetings (or not as the case may be) for the friends and relatives of alcoholics. You make do with what you can get and always keep your options open (number one rule for survival).
Anyway, what happened after the blanket ban was that, to put it simply, I could not cope. Attending Al-Anon had awakened a lot of buried emotions within me and without the support of the meetings (if one can call it support - well to be honest, there were a few supportive people in Al-Anon who did make it worthwhile going to the meetings but they were unfortunately outweighed and outvoted by the sick majority who did not want me there).
I began sending letters to various representatives in Al-Anon. These ranged from the Office Manager of the local Al-Anon Information Centre, the Regional Trustee, the Area Delegate, GSO, WSO and even the New York headquarters of the other fellowship which dare not speak its name.
Sending the letters was the only way I could cope. The Executive Director of WSO did comment on the length of the letters and the volume of the correspondence by stating that they were repetitive and contained nothing new.
Basically the letters said:-
"The Groups broke The Traditions by banning me from Al-Anon - HELP ME!"
I recently read some of those letters, and with the benefit of hindsight and some therapy, my initial reaction was "My God, I was totally off my head", and no wonder given that I was banned from every Al-Anon meeting at the time (this included being banned from Al-Anon groups I had never set foot in).
What did I expect by sending the letters?
Well, I suppose it was a cry for help. I was banned from Al-Anon and nobody in the local Al-Anon structure, GSO or WSO could give a damn. "Go ahead and cut your wrists - that would be your choice" was their attitude. Such heartless people.
I have learned that my expectations were unrealistic.
I thought Al-Anon was a recovery program (it is not - the word "recovery" does not appear anywhere in The Twelve Traditions, although the word "recovery" does appear, and this is important for the victims of alcoholism, in The Twelve Traditions of the entirely separate fellowship which Al-Anon has an intense hatred for.
I expected somebody in Al-Anon to realise that I needed to attend Al-Anon and do something about the ban instead of repeating "every group is autonomous" at me.
Attending Al-Anon had begun a process, an emotional awakening if you like, and the process had been interrupted by the blanket ban from Al-Anon, and emotionally I was left in free-fall.
Well, I expected them to do something about it. Meet with me, talk with me, try and figure out how to resolve the situation.
Instead, what happened?
The local Al-Anon Information Centre forwarded the letters onto some sick alcoholics (you know, the really sick ones who never do The Twelve Steps, the really sick ones who never recover and tarnish all other alcoholics with the same brush). The letters contained my home address. The alcoholics threatened me, they threatened my family, they physically assaulted me and ... well, you kind of get the picture.
Maybe I was insane, but I continued to send the letters. I kept thinking that eventually they would try to do something to help me. Another unreasonable expectation. I now realise Al-Anon is not here to help - it is here to make money (eg from literature sales, registered trademarks etc).
So the Al-Anon Information Centre reported me to the police as a stalker. The police turned up and my workplace and I had to deal with their intimidation. I made an official complaint against them to the appropriate authority and got them off my back (eventually). The police officer treated me like I was some kind of ogre and he was going to be the knight in shining armor who was going to protect all the little frightened women in the Al-Anon Information Centre from me. It was pathetic really. I spoke to his superior officer who assured me that there would be no repeat of his intimidating me at my workplace.
I also spoke to another senior officer within the police force who was a little bemused by his behaviour and muttered "I wonder was this his first case." This was in relation to the time I had called at the Al-Anon Information Centre to purchase some literature and the staff had the police waiting inside, who duly ran out to me in the street and began shouting and harassing me. I think they were trying to scare me. It was pathetic really. After that episode, I made the formal complaint and he pulled in his horns and became the meek and compliant little boy after that. Well, I do pay my taxes and therefore his wages so he should show some respect for me as a law-abiding citizen.
Anyway, much to the chagrin of the police officer, I took a civil action against the local Al-Anon Information Centre because they had passed on the private correspondence to the alcoholics who assaulted and threatened me. At the pre-hearing, their lawyers (I was doing my own representation) told the judge that the Al-Anon Information Centre had no obligation of confidentiality towards me. I pointed out to the judge that under Tradition 12 "anonymity is the spiritual foundation" of Al-Anon. I shall be looking forward to my day in court.
Anyway, I stopped sending the letters - they had been passed on to the alcoholics and I had been reported to the police as a stalker - so that approach had not worked.
The letters of amends which I had sent to the Al-Anon groups? You wonder what their response had been? Well...