If you have anything you would like to see added, please send it.SEXUAL TENSION QUIZ Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin. "CLUES" 1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. 2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. 3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. 4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. 5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. 6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. 7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. 8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. 9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. 10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. 11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. 12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. 13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. ******************************************************* Answers: 1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney[Back to top] [Back to Humour] There are three guys who have died. They are outside the gates of Heaven. Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can't let everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst and most tragic death would get in. The first guy starts, "I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I'd been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped on his fingers. That didn't work so I tried prying them off. That didn't work so I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped on him killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself." The second guys says, "Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony. This happened to me. However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell. I landed in a bush just in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died." "OK." says the third man, "Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy's wife. The guy comes home...you hide in the refrigerator..."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. Six people (one woman and five men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely --sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!! *On second thought.... Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, and the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so very bad that... (scroll down) (scroll down) (scroll down) they buried her.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain". "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be allright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] I can tell by the smell That you're not very well Diarhea, boom! boom! Diarhea. It's not very funny, In fact it's kinda runny, Diarhea, boom! boom! Diarhea! No pain No strain Just sit and let it drain, Diahrrhea...diahrrhea When you finally make it home And your pants are full of foam Diahrrhea...diahrrhea
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] The Shithouse Blues It could be early in the morning, or it could be very late When I hear my belly gurgling, and feel the urge to defecate Something is charting a course through intestines large and small It's a big as a damn horse, and from my ass it will fall I stop whatever I'm doing, or I'll be in a bind I stand up and get going, for a toilet I must find I walk with quickened pace, tightly clenching my butt Very red will be my face if I don't keep my asshole shut But now I have to run, or I risk the chance Of ruining this day of fun by shitting my pants Ah, but there's the bathroom--I see it just up ahead There my ass will go boom! and a few pounds I will shed I lift up the toilet lid--on the seat goes my runp I'm as giddy as a kid, for I'm about to take a dump! My sphincter opens slowly, like a flower in bloom Something big is leaving me, and it needs some room But coming out first is a fart--a deafening sound Rising between legs spread apart, the stench surrounds The odour is quite strong, and as I finish taking a piss I feel something wide and long, emerging from my orifice My anus gapes--causing pain, but it's over in a flash My rectum's width is normal again, and I hear a booming splash I wipe the sweat from my brow, and I utter not a word I feel much better now, after giving birth to a turd You're full of the food that my body didn't use Full of materials crude, and other refuse My mind forms a question: will you float or will you sink? It depends on your composition, at least that's what I think Will you stay intact, or will you break into pieces? But I should not ask, for it's a mystery of feces Now I've finished blowing gas, and I'm done shitting too But before I wipe my ass, I want to look at you Cylindrical and dark brown, you resemble a log I hope when I flush you down, the toilet does not clog Floating so gracefully, in waters yellowed by my leak You're a thing of beauty, but damn you fucking reek!! As I reach for the Charmin, a tear forms in my eye 'Cause once I finish wipin', we must say goodbye For now the time has come, and I must flush you away 'Cause once you leave my bum, there's nowhere for you to stay But if you had ears, I'd say it to your face While you were here, you made the world a better place.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] The Analysis of an English word: Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. Fuck can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Christine) and intransitive (Christine was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Christine really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Christine is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Christine is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Christine is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Christine). It can even be used as a conjunction (Christine is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Surprise "What the fuck are you doing here?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck...?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?" 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Awe "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Clinton!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from? -General Custer "That's not a real fucking gun." -John Lennon "Who the fuck is gonna find out?" -Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." -Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." -Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger," Mark Thatcher "What fucking map?" -Ulysses "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -Captain of the Titanic "Any fucking idiot could understand that." -Albert Einstein "That's one big motherfucker!" -David "It does so fucking look like her!" -Picasso "Okay, I know...we build this BIG fucking wall..." -Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty "I can't believe I just fucking said that." -Patrick Henry "How the fuck did you work that out?" -Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -Michelangelo "Fuck a duck." -Walt Disney "Where the fuck is McDonalds?" -Billy Clinton "Why?- Because its fucking there!" -Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." -Noah "Who left the fucking gate open?!" -David Koresh "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." -John F. Kennedy "Who the fuck are those guys?" -Sundance "Where the fuck are the Browns?" -Cleveland
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Energizer Bunny obituary It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation... Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her husband is impotent, and that they haven't had sex in over 10 years. The doctor gives the woman a bottle of pills and instructs her to give him one, and only one, pill per week. He then tells her to come back in one month to report on the progress. The woman returns home, slips one pill into her husbands dinner, and waits. Nothing. The next day she decided to give him another. Nothing. After 1 week of this, she decides, "To hell with this!, I'm tired of waiting!". That night she empties the remaining pills into her husband dinner and feeds it to him. Two months pass, and she fails to report back to the doctor. The doctor becomes curious and decides to pay her a house call. As he approaches the house he sees the woman's son. He asks the boy, "hey, how's your family doing?" The boy replies, "Mom's dead." "My sister's pregnant." "My butt hurts." "And dad keeps running around the house going, "here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] It seems this women has a gorilla on her roof and she calls someone to get rid of it. So this guy shows up and he has a gun, a pair of handcuffs, and a dog. The women asks what the items are for and the guy explains that he'll go on the roof and scare the gorilla down to the ground, where the dog will go for the gorilla crotch that when she puts the cuffs on the gorilla. So the guy starts up the latter and the women stops him and asks what the guns for. The man replies" If I fall off shoot the dog"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Michanum Beagan walks in a bar, and to his amazment just down the end talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Beagan thought to himself , this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick. So he goes up to him and says, Yo Hitler, What are you doing here, Hitler looks over at michanum then to the bartender then back at michanum and says "I came back to kill 100,000 Jews and Twelve clowns!" Michanum just stared at adolf in amazement and got very red in the face and angry and said "Why are you going to kill twelve Clowns?" Hitler just started laughing and said to the bartender "See, I told you nobody cares about the Jews anyway."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?" The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero: Social Engagements ------------------ You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons ------------------- You visit her parents: +1 and actually make conversation: +3 and stare at the television: -3 and the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday ------------ You take her out to dinner: 0 and it's not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: 0 and it's a small appliance: -10 and it's not a small appliance: +1 and it isn't chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 Thoughtfulness -------------- You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals -------------------------- You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -12 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just The Two of You -------------------------------- You go see a comic: +2 He's crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She's not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 Driving ------- You lose the directions on a trip: -4 and end up getting lost: -10 in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication ------------- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 Simple Duties ------------- You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 and it's nothing: 0 and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her father: -10
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] As reported by the San Jose Mercury News: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "UGH, Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief headdress was full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, Me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated: "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied: "You damned right me hung... Big like Buffalo, long like Snake." Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile! The Chief replied, "Hoss'style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH DEAR." The Chief said: "No Deer... me no fuck deer... Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone. Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning" complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes. The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A young man was invited to dinner for the first time at his girlfriend's house. He's very nervous about meeting her family and standing up to their scrutiny, to the point of developing severe stomach cramps. By the time he sits down to dinner, his stomach is belching gas like a volcano. Beneath the table, the family dog is crouched near him. Finally the young man can endure it no longer. He breaks wind. Immediately the mother scolds the dog: "Spot, get away from the table!" The dog skulks off to the corner of the room, his ears tucked down, disconsolate. The young man is relieved that the dog has gotten the blame. A bit later, after the dog has scrabbled slowly way back, the scene is repeated. Again the dog gets the blame. "Spot!" the mother shouts: "Get away from the table!" By the time the meal is nearly finished, the scene is replayed yet a third time. This time the mother jumps ups and shouts: "Spot! Get away from the table before this horrid man shits on you!"
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The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Room is spinning. Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool. Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A little Jewish boy was doing very poorly in school, especially math. So, his father, after much deliberation, decided to send him to a catholic school because he heard that they were very good. On the little boys very first report card he got all A's. His dad was mystified and he asked his son how he was doing so well. His son replied: "well, I really knew that they meant business the very first day of school when I walked into that room and they had that guy nailed to the plus-sign."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder... Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. "No thank you", the man said, "God will help me". As the waters rose, the man retreated to the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, "No thank you, God will help me." As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once more, the man declined and said, "No thank you, God will help me." Whereupon a mighty voice called out to the man, "You idiot! I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] The inspector is at the school and the teacher is asking the pupils questions in connection with the alphabet. "Give me a word beginning with A." And Franky's hand is up immediately, but the teacher knows that Franky has a swearing problem, so she asks someone else. As she keeps saying words, Frankys hand is always up and he is getting impatient. The inspector says,"Why don't you ask that little boy?" "Allright," the teacher says,and She thinks."Right, Franky, R." " Rat," and showing with his hands,"just this fucking big rat."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'" Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'" Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'" The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Two friends decide to buy a couple of dogs to help them at hunting. Before setting off the first one asks: - How are we going to tell apart my dog from yours? - I'' tell you what. I'll shoot one's dog ear away so it will be easy to distiguish yours. So he shoots the dog's ear away and they go for hunting.After a while they track some rabbit down and shoot it. The dogs go for it and both return one-eared. - Gee, what the hell happend? How are we going to tell them apart now? - Simple. I'll shoot the other ear away. He shoots the dog's ear away and they go on hunting. Later they find some other animal. They aim their guns and the dogs go for the chase. Now both dogs return having no ears. - Now we really 've got a problem. - Don't worry I'll shoot the dogs tail away. And so he does. After a while the story repeats. The dogs go for a fox and return tail-less. - Now there's no way we could them apart. - Mmmm...let me think. I know what we are going to do. You'll take the brown dog and I'll take the white one!!!
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A girl was sitting in a curch slightly whimpering when the priest came over to ask what was wrong. She said her boyfriend did something to her that was just bad to talk about. He said, 'Don't worry you can tell me anything, your secret is safe.' She responds that it's just too bad to talk about. So he takes her hand, rubs it and says 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' she replies. Then he starts to fondle her breast 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' Then he pulls up her shirt and starts to suck on them 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' Then he pulls her skirt down and procedes to eat her out 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' So he pulls down his paints and starts to screw her. He starts pounding her and asks 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' 'Worse' he asks 'What could be worse than this?' Then she says 'He gave me SYPHILIS!!!'
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A Catholic priest is in his confessional box. The sliding door opens. "Father, I had sex with a pair of loverly 18 year old nymphomaniac twins five times last week" "What kind of Catholic are you? " demanded the priest " I'm not a Catholic " " Then why are you telling me this? " " I'm telling everyone !!!! "
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice.You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a general bad ass. Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist. Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker.People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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