The worlds' religions according to Shit
Taoism
	Shit Happens
	If you can shit, it isn't shit.
	Shit happens, so flow with it.
	Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things
		generously and is without strife.

Confucianism
	Confucius say "Shit Happens"

Buddhism

	If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.

Zen
	Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
	Shit is, and is not.
	What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
	This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).

Islam
	If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
	If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
	If shit happens, blame Israel.
	We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam
	If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
	Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam
	WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
	If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam
	Don't take no shit!

Protestant
	Let Shit Happen to someone else!
	If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholic
	If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
	You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholic
	Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Presbyterian
	This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian
	It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine
		with it.
	If shit happens, hold a procession.
	It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Methodist
	It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice
		with it.

Congregationalist and Unitarian
	Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens
		to another.

Lutheran
	If shit happens, don't talk about it.
	Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
	Have faith that shit will happen.

Fundamentalism
	If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen!
	Shit must be born again.

Conservative Judaism
	Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism
	Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism
	Got any laxatives?
	Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism
	So shit happens, already!

Atheism
	Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
	No shit.
	What shit?
	I can't believe this shit!

Agnostic
	I think Shit Happens.
	Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
	Did someone shit?
	What is this shit?
	It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
		sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
	I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
	You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
	We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist
	Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist
	Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it
		doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's
		will and we know it...

Calvinism
	Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism
	No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism
	God made all shit.

Televangelism
	Send more shit.
	If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
	Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Amish
	Shit is good for the soil.
	This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism
	Shit evolves.

Christian Science
	When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
	Shit happening is all in your mind.

Quakers
	Let us not fight over this shit.

Unitarianism
	Come let us reason together about this shit.
	Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Utopianism
	This shit does not stink at all.

Darwinism
	This shit was once food.
	Survival of the shittiest.

Capitalism
	That's my shit.

Communism
	Let's share this shit.

Feminism
	Men are shit.
	This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism
	We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism
	Let's package this shit.

Impressionism
	From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.

Idolism
	Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism
	Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.
	What is shit, anyway?

Stocism
	This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism
	There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons
	If shit happens, the Church gets 10%
	God sent us this shit.
	This shit is going to happen again.
	Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology
	If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157.
	Feces occurs.

Jehovah's Witness
	Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens.
	May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
	Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall
		survive its happening.
	Knock, knock. Shit happens.
	No shit happens until Armageddon.
	There is only a limited amount of good shit.
	Here, we insist you take our shit.
	Shit happens door to door.
	Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
	Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Hare Krishna
	ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens...
	Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
	She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
		(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
	Please this flower and buy our shit.

Rastafarianism
	Let's smoke this shit.

Paganism
	If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold.

Stoics
	This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism
	Only really happy shit happens.

Zoroastrianism
	Shit happens half of the time.

Practical
	Deal with shit one day at a time.

Satanism
	SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism
	No shit.

New Age
	This shit has an aura.
	This shit is all ONE shit.
	Shit came to me in a vision...
	That's not shit, it's feldspar.
	A firm shit does not happen to me.
	This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
	I create my own shit.
	If shit happens, honour it and share it.
	Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
	Were all part of the same shit.
	For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology
	If shit happens, blame Saturn.
	Shit is written in the stars.

Wiccan
	An it harm none, let shit happen.
	If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
	The Goddess makes shit happen.

George Bush:     Read my lips, no nude shit. But a thousand points of shit.

Saddam Hussein:  This shit happening will be the mother of all shit
			happenings.

Martin L. King:  I have a shit...

John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Scheisser.

Vladimir Lenin:  The fastest and most complete way to destroy a culture is
			to make its shit happen.

Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, a happening shit?

Richard Nixon:   I am not a shit.

Ronald Reagan:   I don't recall if shit happened.

Nancy Reagan:    Just say, `Shit happened.'

Socrates:        I am shit.  But I know I am shit.

Aristotle:       Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens
			in its original shape.

Galileo:         They say shit isn't happening. Nevertheless it still happens

Blaise Pascal:   We are just shit.  But we are thinking shit.

R. Descartes:    I shit therefore I am.

A. Einstein:     God does not play shit.

W. Heisenberg:   The more accurately we observe when shit happened, the less
			accurately we observe how big the shit was that
			happened.

E. Schrodinger:  There's a 50% chance that shit happened.  And a 50% chance
			that it didn't.

F. Nietzche:     If shit had never happened, man would create shit.

Ayn Rand:        Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used, shit
			happens.

Sturgeon:        90% of everything is shit.

Yuri Gagarin:    Shit was blue.

Neil Armstrong:  For me, that was just a little shit. But when that shit
			happened, it was one giant leap for mankind.

Bart Simpson:    I will not say, `Shit happened' in the class.

Al Bundy:        This is shit.  This is shit when you get married and drop
			the shit on the ground.

Bill Cosby:      Shit is happening to _The Simpsons_.

Buckaroo Bonzai: No matter where shit happens, there you are.

HAL:             Dave, I'm in deep shit.
                 Dr. Chandra, will I shit?

Dave:            Oh my god!  It's full of shit!

Obi Wan:         Use your shit, Luke.

Marty Mcfly:     Don't ever never call me shit.

Gremlins:        Don't shit after 12 o'clock.

Jessica Rabbit:  I'm not shit.  I'm just drawn that way.

Robocop:         Please stay out of deep shit.

Michael Valentine Smith: Shit groks.

1st Law of Robotics: Robots should not shit or let shit come to happen.

Hari Seldon:     Each shit is random.  But mob shit is predicable.

Yuppie:          It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?

God:             Wholly shit!

THE GHOST SHIT
	That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the
	toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.

THE CLEAN SHIT
	The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is
	nothing on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
	The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
	unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and
	your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
	It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to
	your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or
THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FORHEAD SHIT
	The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically
	have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
	Self-explanatory.

THE LINCON LOG SHIT
	The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the
	toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

THE DRINKER'S SHIT
	That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of
	drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the
	bottom of the toilet.

THE GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT
	It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on
	the toilet cramped, and fart a few times.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
	That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it
	was leaving you sideways.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP:
	That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt
	cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE QUAD SHIT
	That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
	splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time,
	chronically burning your tender anus.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
	A class all of its own.

THE OTTOMAN SHIT
	The kind where the odour of the mess creeps out of the restroom and
	throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near
	evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys
	in the past few years especially.)

THE CROWD PLEASER
	This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have
	to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
	This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
	allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
	This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
	the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
	A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
	This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
	within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
 	This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
	A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
	Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to
	resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
 	A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage
	in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution
	is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
	This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
	putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
	Now you see it, now you don't.  This shit is playing games with you.
	Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
	A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
	inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
	are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
	A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
	frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
	This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
	competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close
	resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
	This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
	woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
	An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
	God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
	Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
	Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
	Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
	The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
	you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
	This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
	all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
	Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
	Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
	size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
	remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
	The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
	You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
	piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
 	When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
	your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
	When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
	and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
	Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
	warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand
	innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin
	and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
	Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
	drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
	place.

The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT
	You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking
	everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected,
	yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly
	normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.

THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
	You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving
	along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the
	next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants
	on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion,
	followed by the realisation that there's a new mottled wall-paper on
	the wall behind the bowl.

JACK THE RIPPER SHIT
 
      The kinda shit that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out.

THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE SHIT

      The kinda shit that pokes its head outa your asshole and then shoots
      right back into your ass.