Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.

ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N) 

"I am logged in, therefore I am." 

The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL? 

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources. 

God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.

God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh.

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Life in a vacuum sucks.

What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A spatula.

RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user 

"Calm down. It's only ones and zeros." 

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. 

(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing 

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza. 

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> 

Computers can never replace human stupidity 

Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites) 

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed 

You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever 

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? 

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! 

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 

He who laughs last thinks slowest! 

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
screaming, terrified, like his passengers. 

When there's a will, I want to be in it. 

"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought
was H20 was H2SO4." 

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..." 

"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly 

"Suicide Hotline...please hold." 

"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00" 

Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove
all doubt. 

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer 

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened... 

Bugs come in through open Windows. 

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying
it. 

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. 

A pessimist is never disappointed. 

All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson 

All work and no play, will make you a manager. 

Alone: In bad company. 

Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty. 

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out. 

As I said before, I never repeat myself. 

BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding. 

Barium: what you do with dead chemists. 

Black holes really suck... 

Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups! 

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be
disappointed.

Brain dysfunction detected... 

Brain over - Insert coin 

Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer. 

Chess players mate better. 

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. 

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? 

Do not disturb. Already disturbed! 

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
expected? 

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up! 

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence. 

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 

FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue... 

Facts are stubborn things. 

Feel lucky???? Update your software! 

Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares 

Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks. 

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!! 

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! 

How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder 

I am built for comfort, not speed! 

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! 

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. 

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. 

I think, therefore I am. I think. 

I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS. 

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. 

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. 

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing. 

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand. 

If I save the whales, where do I keep them? 

If I save time, when do I get it back ? 

If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test. 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 

If in doubt, make it sound convincing. 

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 

If it works, tear it apart and find out why! 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention. 

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death 

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 

It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit! 

It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession! 

Just do it. 

Just did it. 

Just do me.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...? 

Justice: A decision in your favour. 

Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out. 

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener. 

My message above. Your response here ____________. 

NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing. 

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me". 

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist! 

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square! 

So many lawyers, so few bullets. 

So many pedestrians, so little time. 

Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty. 

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope) 

Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive. 

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. 

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. 

The rich get richer; the poor get babies. 

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions. 

This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is. 

This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0. 

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again! 

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. 

Was today really Necessary? 

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray 

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull. 

Who is "they" anyway? 

Why are you looking down here? The joke is above! 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 

You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 

You can't have everything...where would you put it? 

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? 

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. 

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
 

Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman.
Once inner...beauty!
  

Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.
   

She kept an air of mystery about her. When men asked her name, she'd
say: "Never Mind the chit chat .... let's screw."

You'll know if you married a virgin, as when she wakes she will ask you:
"Are you still stiff from last night?"

A recent study says that 90% of men masturbate in the shower: The other
10% sing.  Do you know what they sing? No! Oh, really?!  I wonder what
you do in the shower!
   

If Clinton is the answer it must been a stupid question.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
   

I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
   

Assassins do it from behind!
   

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
   

Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.

God may have made man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a
final copy.

The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the
taste.

I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.

Lottory: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

A man is not complete until he is married  --  then he is finished.

Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.

Im not as think as you drunk i am.

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.

Eat shit! A million flies can't be wrong.

You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.

Life is not a cabaret. It's a fucking circus.

Here's to all the kisses I've snatched, and vice versa...

Born an Asshole (The rest grew later)

Jesus is coming, look busy

Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of Clinton's diarrhea...
I'm sorry if I grossed you out.  I shouldn't have used Clinton..

Same shit, different day.

To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The name is Baud... James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

E Pluribus Modem

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!

Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!

To err is human; To moo is bovine.

Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to
kiss the boss's ass.

Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a
Peeing Section in a pool!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

REHAB is for quitters.

Men are like toilets: the good ones are taken, the rest are full of
shit.

Death to all fanatics!

Conserve energy... fart in a jar.

It's all fun and games,'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
	
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Single women can't fart: You have to get married to have an asshole.

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions.  The other half, just
doesn't care.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
	
I'm so horny, even the crack of dawn looks good.

Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns... ever notice how all our
problems begin with Men?

Concorde:
Breakfast in London
Lunch in New York 
Luggage in Bombay

Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.

It easier to meet girl in park than park meat in girl.

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.

Flies spread disease -- Keep yours closed!

Follow that car, Godzilla -- and step on it!

Electricians do it till it Hz. 

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.


I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.  Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.


Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.


We take drugs very seriously at my house.


FAQ (fah-Q)


Its hard to get a "head" in the world...


Support wildlife... throw parties!


1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman.


Contraceptives: To be used on all conceivable occasions.


f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.