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| PICTURES OF THE WEEK |
| Please allow a moment for the pictures to load. Not for me, but for your country. |
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| Tired of waiting for a national ID card, New York begins forcing all citizens to wear license plates. This young man is being cited for expired tags. |
| Citing a "real and credible threat" Attorney General John Ashcroft steps up security at Haagen-Dazs. |
| Donald Rumsfeld informs Uzbek Defense Minister Qodir Ghulomov that the U.S. will likely "have to pave over most of your country to make a landing strip. |
| Later, when asked how the war effort is going, a heavily medicated Rumsfeld responds "Smooooooooooooth......" |
| A young Afghan girl flees the Taliban regime in pursuit of a country with less stringent laws about music. "The new DMX is dope yo," said the girl. "Them punk Taliban byatches won't let me jam on it." |
| A massive group of lower caste hindus convert to Buddhism, claiming it's the only way to get a quality haircut. |
| Evidence of the world economy's disarray is shown when the value of the peso exceeds $439 American dollars. |
| Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian receives criticism for his new book, "Shuious Asswhuppin," in which he chronicles his exploits with over 20,000 concubines. |
| Congressional interns protest being quarantined and studied after opening potentially poisonous mail. "Is this worth a letter of recommendation?" asks one intern. |
| "Wait, you're listening to my meaningful, insightful lyrics and not just looking at these, right?" |
| New Boston Symphony conductor James Levine vows that his orchestra will become the most respected by wiping out its competition. "Woe to the sorry son of a bitch that tries to step up. Jimmy Levine's mama didn't raise no wussy." |
| Investors view Lucent's third quarter profits. |
| I celebrate my 27th birthday with cake during a quiet gathering with friends. |
| Dressed rather conservatively for a Saturday, my wife takes Grendel to the dog park. |
| LOST: ONE VICE PRESIDENT. ANSWERS TO "DICK" OR "MR. CHENEY." LAST SEEN IN VICINITY OF WHITE HOUSE. IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL GEORGE AT 202-456-1414. REWARD. |
| Desperately seeking a plan for peace, Yasser Arafat, Hosni Mubarak, Jose Maria Aznar and Shimon Peres are off to see the Wizard. "We will laugh and be merry," said Arafat. "Life will be a ding-a-derry." |