17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50." -unknown
"The world is a comedy to those who think And a tragedy to those who feel." -Horace Walpale
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Rehab is for quitters.
YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Who is general Failure and why is he reading drive C?
Love will have its sacrifices.
Telling a teen-ager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.-Arnold H. Glasow
In a perfect world...all people could expect to be accepted.-John Gratton.
Man is harder than iron, stronger than stone and more fragile than a rose. -Turkish Proverb
Kids believe that death means falling down, getting back up and resuming play. To kids life is forever.-Michael Burkett
A cherry is impossible to resist. It is a world unto itself, and it is yours and yours alone, something you are not expected to share. -Molly O'Neil
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. -Henry Kissinger
Life is not a problem to be solved; it is a mystery to be lived. -Brian Drevets
GEORGE CARLINISMS
1 - If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2 - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
3 - Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4 - What's another word for synonym?
5 - Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"..
6 - When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7 - When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8 - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9 - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10 - Why do they report power outages on TV?
11 - What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12 - Is it possible to be totally partial?
13 - If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14 - Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15 - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16 - If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17 - If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18 - If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19 - If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20 - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21 - Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22 - If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23 - Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24 - If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
25 - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
26 - One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
27 - Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
28 - If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
29 - The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
30 - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
31 - Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
32 - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
33 - What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
34 - Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
35 - Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
36 - How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
37 - Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
38 - What was the best thing before sliced bread?
39 - One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
40 - To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
41 - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
42 - The older you get, the better you realize you were.
43 - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
44 - Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
45 - Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
46 - Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
47 - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
48 - Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
49 - Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
50 - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
51 - If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
52 - If God dropped acid, would he see people?
53 - If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
54 - If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
55 - If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
56 - If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
What did the hungry computer eat?
Chips, one byte at a time.
"Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little
cheese 'gems' from burglars."
- Jack Handey
"She gave so many people pieces of her mind that finally she had none of it left."
- Steve Allen
"Hugh Grant and supermodel Elizabeth Hurley have split up. Don't worry about Hugh, I'm sure he'll find someone else - it might cost him $100, but he'll find someone else."
- Jay Leno
"I used to wonder if eating animals was a sin. But then I realized that God could have made animals out of anything He wanted to, and He chose to make them out of meat. Sounds like an invitation to me."
- Unknown
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