Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Cast:

Andrew Dice Clay is Ford Fairlane
Wayne "Mr. Danke Sche" Newton is Julian Grendel
Priscilla "Hail to the King baby!!!" Presley is Colleen Sutton
Morris "from Morris Day and the Time!!!" Day is Don Cleveland
Robert "Freddy Kreuger!!!" Englund is Smiley
Ed "Al Bundy!!!" O'Neil is Lieutenant Amos
Gilbert "Hitler from Highway to Hell" Gottfried is Johnny Crunch
Lauren "Red headed deputy chick from Picket Fences" Holly is Jazz

What the box says:

In this hilarious, high-octane whodunit, rock 'n' roll detective Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) is stunned when the king of shock-jocks, Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried), is electrocuted on air. After all, the victim was his only paying client! Crunch had hired Ford to track down a mysterious groupie named Zuzu Petals - a search that quickly finds Ford tangled up, and trading insults, with a ruthless record executive (Wayne Newton) and a merciless hit man (Robert Englund).

Plot:

On a beach, Ford’ voiceover explains why everything stinks worse than an overflowing septic tank in the dog days of summer. It all started 5 days ago…

At a Black Plague concert, their charismatic front man Bobby Black (played by Vince Neil) makes his entrance and has to be extinguished. The crowed goes wild, midway through the song, Bobby is gasping for breath before keeling over and dying on stage.

Ford enters the ultra-trendy LA club. Apparently, he is so cool, everyone lets him through. Women slap him then kiss him. Ford meets with record producer, Don (Morris Day) Cleveland. Apparently, Ford’s job is to catch a guy stalking an all girl group. Excuse, I can’t get my head around the notion every girl on the planet is after Andrew Dice Clay. How could you Kari Wuhrer? I thought you lost all your dignity after 8 Legged Freaks, not before.

Bartender fixes Ford a Flaming Moe (not really, but a Simpsons reference needs to be put in every so often…) Ford finds the crazed stalker, Sam. He breaks a bottle and is going to cut Ford like a pig. But, Fairlane easily disarms him and slides him down the bar like in wild western bar fight.

Sam tries running off in slow-motion. So, we know something will happen. Ford shoots a disco ball down and lands directly on Sam’s head. Those chicks surround and swoon over Ford again. In 10 minutes, Ford has been hit on at least 4 times…

Next day, a pair of twins leave Ford’s place. Jazz, Ford’s secretary, calls him. If this isn’t enough ego-maniacal yet, the Kid, imagine a foul-mouthed version of the Kid from Dick Tracy following Ford around like a puppy. Ford had Sam stuffed in his trunk over night. The Kid wants to be Ford’s partner. Ford drives off.

Before getting to his office, he raps with Tone “Funky Cold Medina” Loc. Sam is hauled into Ford’s office. The group he had been stalking identify him. A citizen castration gag ensues. Next time, Sam will be a little lighter in the trousers. Sam is thrown into Tone Loc’s crew. The band leaves Ford a watch. Ford complains how all the rock stars never pay in cash. He got a koala bear for another case. He starts an anti-Australian rant.

A phone call from shock Jock Johnny Crunch gets Ford to meet with him. It turns out that Ford and Johnny go way back. Johnny wants Ford to find his daughter, Zuzu Petals. He wants her found: $4000 to solve the case.

Ford is driving away when he hears on the radio Johnny being attacked. He manages to make it back in time to see Johnny being electrocuted.

Cops arrive on the scene. Lieutenant Al Bundy begins a round of playground insulting between him and Ford that elevates Peewee Herman’s “I know what you are, but what am I?” to something Don Rickles might say. Ford finds a note with the name Art Mooney. We learn that Al Bundy hates Ford for not promoting a song he did with his disco group. Have you ever wanted to see Al Bundy singing disco and doing the hustle?

Ford is on the beach remembering Johnny. The Kid pays him a visit, wants his father found for $100. Ford initially refuses to take the cash. Waking in the morning, He finds the cash in his hand. Colleen Sutton pays him a visit. She wants her younger sister Zuzu Petals found. Ford is paid up front.

Ford checks with Don Cleveland about Zuzu. Ford is insulting the singer who is recording. This guy makes Michael Bolton look like a Hell’s Angel. Suddenly, Wayne Newton appears from the darkness!!! Wayne is the slimy record company owner, manufacturing the newest singing sensation. Ford shows them what rock ‘n roll is really like. Apparently all the studio musicians are into it. Spastic dancing Diceman ensues.

Cooler than Ice... OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ford checks the boat where Johnny lived. We get a charming voiceover about gross-out contests. Johnny lived in what I’ve heard adult bookstores look like. Ford plays a video tape seeing Johnny role-playing as a pit bull with Colleen. He finds an invitation to one of Colleen’s parties. Crazy leather-clad Robert Englund attacks him. A few gun shots later the boat is doing a fairly decent Titanic impression without the hours of Leo. Ford manages to get away.

Jazz is called by Ford and is going to Colleen’s party. We get the ultra-swanky Beverly Hills party. Ford talks with Colleen how he is staying on the case. Jazz appears in the little black dress. She is to tail Colleen who slips Jazz a CD. Ford and Wayne talk a little while.

Ford gets the CD from Jazz. They try playing it, it’s a computer disk. Ford and Jazz have plumbed depths she now regrets. Ford is himself which is good enough reason for Jazz to storm off.

Later, Ford is watching TV and learns Bobby Black didn’t die from an overdose. He sees Zuzu Petals in the last video of Bobby Black.

Ford heads to the public memorial for Bobby. There are so many crying, mourning groupies. Ford manages to stumble across Zuzu. This girl makes Paris Hilton look like Albert Einstein. He wants to know who killed Bobby, etc…A nad shot later and Zuzu is off and running.

The great cemetery chase begins. Robert Englund grabs her. Why he has a bad English accent is anybody’s guess. He is running over tombstones with his stolen hearse. Ford takes another hearse to chase him. Demolition hearse derby ensues. During this, Jazz calls Ford. The data on the CD is worthless. And Colleen is the ex-wife of Wayne. We keep getting necrophilia jokes courtesy of the heavily endowed corpse continuing to fall in Ford’s lap.

Bobby’s corpse is knocked loose and rolls downhill being chased by a flock of groupies.

That's a coffin? Robert Englund crashes the hearse into an empty grave. The corpse wakes up. And Ford runs away screaming, ok that is funny. Ford finds Zuzu as the cops arrive.

Al Bundy arrives, from an anonymous letter learns that Zuzu killed Bobby and Johnny. We get some more playground insults about spam. Robert Englund escaped somehow. Ford gets Zuzu away with no problems.

Ford brings Zuzu to his place. He is trying to figure how Colleen and Wayne connect in the case. Ford finds his koala hanged. Zuzu turns on the TV which explodes. The Jimi Hendrix guitar he owns is gone and in its’ place is Colleen’s hat. The microwave is on. Ford gets Zuzu out of the house before it explodes.

The Kid staggers up, he was beaten by the koala hangers. The Fairlane is exploded, too. Ford isn’t doing too well.

Ford and Zuzu hitchhike and are taken to a sorority house. Kari Wuhrer, where is your dignity? Ford has an expression on his face as if he’s experiencing rapture, nirvana, and bliss simultaneously. We see chicks wearing next to nothing playing twister, aerobics, and deep throating corn dogs? Etc…

Ford calls Jazz to see how things are going as he’s being tended by the sisters. Jazz is being held hostage by the koala hangers. After the call, is over, they throw Jazz out the window. The sorority decides to induct Ford into it.

Koala hangers head to the sorority. Ford sneaks out and rolls a car down the hill knocking over their bikes. The bruised and battered Jazz shows up. They learn Zuzu has a CD, Bobby gave her. Ford knows that Colleen is behind everything and is going to visit Wayne.

Wayne and Colleen are visited by Ford and Zuzu. We get the exciting explanation how Colleen was stealing from Wayne who promptly shoots her. Koala hangers grab Zuzu. Colleen’s last words are “Art Mooney.” Wayne wants the 3 CDs: Bobby’s, Colleen’s, and Johnny’s. Wayne will torture Jimi’s guitar unless Ford gives him the CDs. Robert Englund is there with a power drill ready to strike. The infamous “Someone will send the information to the police unless I call back by a certain time” gag ensues. Has that ever really worked? Wayne will have Don killed before Michael Bolton’s wussier cousin is released upon the world like a plague.

Wayne will let the world know that Cleveland was involved in a record scam with the aforementioned CD holders. Zuzu is smacked around by Wayne who tosses the guitar out the window. Ford comes up with a plan to escape. Wayne leaves. Ford manages to distract the koala hangers and Judas Priest lead singer Robert Englund. Ford and Zuzu escape to the roof.

They are being chased by a motley crue (Late 80s hair rock demands a Crue joke) of evil henchmen. Ford and Zuzu slow climb down the building. One koala hanger falls off the building onto a tour bus. Robert Englund has Zuzu. It is Andrew Dice Clay versus Freddy Kreuger. Ford sees that Englund has the ring like the Kid. He can’t kill the Kid’s father.

Englund is holding onto Zuzu who is holding onto Ford. Ford finds his guitar scratched up. He kabongs Englund who falls on a piano. Ford and Zuzu finally reach the ground about the time Jazz shows up. They need to find the third CD. Zuzu finds a star for Art Mooney on the Walk of Fame just a few feet away. Ever hear the “Hallelujah Chorus” associated with Dice? He finds the last CD.

At the club, Wayne talks with Cleveland.

Ford uses the CDs and learns Wayne is pirating his own artists.

Wayne is going to have Don killed. The living koala hanger is run over by a Volkswagen driven by Ford. Jazz commences to beat the fire out of the koala hanger.

Wayne is about to introduce Michael Bolton’s wussy cousin when he sees Ford has the CDs.

Jazz isn’t doing too good against the koala hanger. She is rescued by Sam the sleazebag. Remember him? The crazy stalked from the beginning of the movie. He has discovered the forces of light and is dressing like Ford, too.

Backstage, Wayne gets the CDs from Ford. But, they’re only copies. Ford wants to know why Wayne did this. Wayne wasn’t making much money having to pay the artists. Bobby found out. Johnny was blackmailing Wayne. Zuzu is behind Wayne with a microphone as he confesses how he killed Colleen. He starts ranting about how he despises the music industry and is devote to making it a vile cesspool.

Jazz and Sam are getting a drink.

Wayne chases Zuzu onstage and grabs a gun from a nearby security guard. It is drawn of Ford. Jazz tosses him the non-Flaming Moe. Ford douses Wayne with it. The cool comeback as he tosses a match on Wayne.

Combustible Wayne Newton ensues.

How do you follow a Flaming Wayne Newton? Jazz leaves the club.

Zuzu has found a new band to groupie.

Al Bundy arrives. He wants Zuzu arrested. Well, if one nad shot is called for, another is needed. Ford hands the CDs to Al. Don Cleveland realizes Al sang “Booty Time.”

Ford can’t find Jazz. He heads to the burnt remains of his place. Robert Englund is behind him. Ford couldn’t kill him because he’s the Kid’s father. Englund killed the guy who had the ring.

Ford wants to go mano el mano with him. Englund drops the gun and pulls out the big frickin’ knife. Ford draws his gun and shoots him.

On the beach, The Kid finds Ford. He has the ring on claiming to be the Kid’s father. Kid knows that is crap…Jazz pulls up. She’s quitting. Ford professes his love for her. She knows that is crap. Ford wants to settle down with her.

Suckin’ face begins. Ford answers his phone and wins a million dollars.

Ford, Jazz, the Kid and Koala that didn’t die are taking a cruise.

What I say:

Andrew Dice Clay, where do we begin? Time hasn't been too kind to Clay's shock-humor. Some would think he's just a crude standup comic who's career has tanked several times. However, the fact can't be denied he had several sold out nights at Madison Square Gardens. Some of the biggest rock bands in the world don't sell out Madison Square Garden for a week. I wasn't impressed with the Dice Live comedy video. He does have talent no matter what some people think of his jokes. We've had more than 10 years of comedians dropping "F"-bombs, PA-EL (parental advisory explicit lyrics) albums, and plenty of tasteless humor to accustom ourselves to it. Looking back of him now, does he seem that much worse now than Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, or even Adam Sandler? Well, the proliferation of so many other comics has pretty much helped to ensure no more Diceman returneth.

The 80s had a handful of famous comic albums like Robin Williams Live at the Met and Eddie Murphy's Raw. While Dice didn't have an album that was as widely recognized as either of the aforementioned ones, he was known more as a foul-mouthed comic. I'm sure I saw part of one of the hour long news shows that did a report on him. Success never was visited on him anywhere near the degree of Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy.

He stared in a low budget movies that tanked. How he got to star in Albert Pyun's classic (non cyborg movie from the early 90s) Brainsmasher: A Love Story is another mystery? If you can believe quality truly ensues with Dice wearing a jacket with Brainsmasher emblazed across the back, fighting ninjas chasing a hot-pants clad Teri Hatcher(ok bless Pyun for that idea...), then I've got the alternate version of Godzilla 98 that doesn't suck. Would you be interested in the Die Hard rip-off where terrorists lead by Dice capture a beauty contest contestants and it is up to Scinmax's own Shannon Tweed to save the day? If the last sentence doesn't make you cringe, you truly arte stronger than most. Granted he kept getting back on the horse, trying to reinvent himself. Bless This House marked the debut of the clean and family-friendly Dice. It sank faster than the hopes of every guy watching Titanic for a short movie. Afterwards, Dice returned to his foulmouthed roots and seems to have vanished from the face of the Earth.

Very few good movies are written to showcase the talents of a comedian. For every Groundhog Day, there are 15 Little Nickys. And when you try to make action comedies, see the career of Eddie Murphy. For every Beverly Hills Cop, how many Adventures of Pluto Nash are there? Andrew Dice Clay is far from the easiest actor to showcase with all the controversy surrounding him or that did surround him.

Imagine the guy you know who is the personification of Rico Suavay. Someone who thinks he is a gift to womenkind. But, they don't seem to know it. I cannot really picture any time where Dice could be considered the coolest guy who ever lived with the worst pick up lines this side of Butthead's "Hey, baby..." Wait, Butthead is Tom Jones compared to the Diceman.

It can be said this movie doesn’t take itself too seriously. The end when Ford claims to be the Kid’s father and admits to loving Jazz. They both claim it is sentimental crap or the approximate fecal material. Ford claims he was banned from MTV, Dice was in actuality. The lead singer of the Pussycats is named Josie. How many times did Jazz arrive at the nick of time?

This movie oozes the excesses of the late 80s. But, we've got the hair metal bands, the clothes, almost a time capsule of period I'm still not sure should be remembered or not. But, probably most of those involved were hopped up on so many drugs they had no idea of what they were doing until in rehab. Can anyone explain where Shelia E is now? There were several actors I hadn't noticed before like the Tone Loc cameo. Finally, I realized who Morris Day was after seeing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Carnivore had the poofy hair and acid washed clothes of the 80s even if it wasn't released until 2002. But, Ford Fairlane is a better example of the excesses of 80s filmmaking.

Lauren Holly is the long suffering secretary. At this point, she hadn't been in many movies. Back to Riverdale, the live action Archie made-for-TV movie as Betty is almost her first movie role. It isn't like she has much to do in the movie. Of course, she had glasses and looked all frumpty for as long as the script required. But, then she becomes uber-hot. The back of the DVD box does have a shot where Wayne Newton is trying to look down her dress. I didn't realize it at first. But, it gets funnier the more you look at it.

I don't know why Robert Englund is dressed like Rob Halford of Judas Priest. How he managed such an English accent without pushing his tongue through his cheek is commendable. His biggest role had him in so much makeup you couldn't recognize him from his friendliest role of Willie the Visitor from V. Englund's role is almost like a psychopathic Wile E.Coyote. No matter what you do, he walks away from it to and will come after you again.

This movie was released in the summer of 1990, made in late 1989. I hadn't seen it until it was blared across television editted. But, I saw Die Hard 2 and remember the trailer for Adventures of Ford Fairlane. This was directed by Renny Harlin. It is strange to see one movie by a certain director and see a trailer for another of his movies at the same time. When we get Finnish directors in Hollywood, quality ensues. Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, Long Kiss Goodnight. He has done some entertaining films. But, then he's given us the opposite of entertaining, too: Cutthroat Island (Can you guess he's married to Geena Davis?) Deep Blue Sea, Driven. Yes, the movie that was beaten out by Travolta's Battlefield Earth for being considered the new low-bar for movies. He's doing an entirely new version of the Exorcist prequel which is the second version of this movie after the powers that be decided to scrap the previous version completely.

This isn’t going to be considered a cult classic: too mainstream. The action belongs in separate time zone than John Woo. Ford Fairlane would be roommates with Loose Cannons, the movie that teamed Gene Hackman and Dan Ackroyd. To be fair, this movie would live in the same neighborhood if Robin Williams played an oft-kilter detective.

Quotable Dialogue
“I’m so terrifical I even got my own toll-free number, 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.”
“Know the Pussycats? Big Dr. Seuss fans.”
“It’s called citizen’s castration.”
“Booty-time, booty time, across the USA…”
“Trans-testicle.”
“The kind of rich that offends minds. Nothing offends me.”
“But, then again, Julie Grendel thinks Jethro Tull is one of the Beverly Hillbillies.”
“You’re an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea.”
Morals of the Story
Late 80s rock singers look like David Lee Roth’s little brother.
A leather clad Robert Englund looks like he should be singing for Judas Priest.
Passing bad appetizers through a kiss is acceptable.
Rock stars are buried in well lit transparent cylindrical coffins.
Most grave side services are held at night.
Sororities have corndog-deep throating contests.
ΙΗΠ is a great name for a sorority. (actually Iota Eta Pi but I ETA PIE is funnier...)
UNPOOR is a great personal license plate for a convertible.
Hollywood stars on the Walk of Fame hide CDs capable of incriminating Wayne Newton.