Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Cast:

Mark "I was in Guyver" Hamill is Luke Skywalker
Carrie "Hollywood Vice Squad" Fisher is Princess Leia
Harrison "A one armed man killed my wife!!!" Ford
Bea "one of the Golden Girls" Arthur is the singing bartender
Harvey "it's Hedly Lammarr from Blazing Saddles" Korman is several people
Art Carney is the Rebel trader
Diahann Carroll is wearing a silver wig
Jefferson "We'll build this city on Rock and Roll" Starship is the cheezy holographic band

What the box says:

What box? This is something George Lucas doesn't want you to see. He would start a jihad to destroy every copy if possible. So you really want to watch what a man who is embarrassed by Howard the Duck doesn't want you to see...

Plot:

The Millennium Falcon is being chased by Star Destroyers. Han wants to run. But, this is a very important day for Chewbacca. Jump to hyperspace...

We hear the narrator tells us why this is the Star Wars Holiday Special. The cast from Star Wars. Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, Art Carney, Dianne Carrol, and Jefferson Starship. What no Charro? It almost sounds like the cast for an episode of the Love Boat.

We are introduced to Chewbacca's family. Maala is his wife. His precocious son, Lumpy. And Chewie's grizzled short angry father, Itchy. Yes, children, Chewbacca's father is Itchy. It gives a new idea to the Itchy and Scratchy cartoons on the Simpsons.

The Wookie planet gives us our first glimpse of Wookie home life. In a tree condo, Lumpy is playing, while Maala is cooking.

Our Galactic Translator is broke, just growls for the next 8 hours. Oh, a lot of this special consists of growling. No hable ingles. Wookie growls. Lumpy takes the trash out. Everyone can tell Maala misses Chewie. Itchy starts the 3-d holojector to entertain the annoying little hairball. Lumpy is watching the acrobats totally mystified by them. It is turned off. Maala makes him do the dishes. More growling. With a family like this, no wonder, Chewie left... They call Luke...

Luke talks to them while they growl at him. It seems like he has no idea what they're saying and only guessing. Han and Chewie are late. Luke tries to keep their spirits up. He also is wearing a frighteningly large amount of eye makeup.

It's the 70s, let me experiment.

At Art Carney's trading post, Imperials are browsing. He gives a message to Maala that Chewie should be coming pretty soon.

On an Imperial Star Destroyer, Darth Vader is being briefed. Can James Earl Jones be considered an embarrassed voice actor for this holiday special?

Back at the condo, Maala is watching a cooking show where Harvey Korman plays the alien hostess of the show. Making Bantha surprise. Poor Banthas are ridden in freezing cold, having their stomachs slashed open to put comatose Jedis inside, and then eaten. They don't a break do they? Harvey gives the recipe and keeps adding instructions like stir whip and beat at the same time. Easy for a 4-armed Harvey Korman in a dress. Maala gives up which isn't a bad idea.

The Millennium Falcon is being chased by TIE fighters. Their hyperspace jump landed them in the middle of an Imperial convoy. Han has to manually use the gun like in Star Wars.

Back at Casa Del Chewbacca, We learn that the Imperials have declared a blockade. A knock is heard on the door. The wookies are very wary until they realize it's Art Carney. He has brought presents for the family.

Lumpy opens his present. It's a keyboard with some extra pieces? Not sure and not wanting to check what it is. Art has something really nice for Itchy. He hooks it up to the virtual reality rig.

Strange graphics and trippy music assault the senses. Some woman in a silver wig is talking about being Itchy's fantasy. Wookie cyber phone-sex.

We can party for 20 credits a cycle. Itchy is getting excited. She talks in a vaguely romantic manner. This is creepy because Itchy is watching this in the living room. The silver-wigged woman breaks into song. Finally, we get to hear some English instead of stupid Wookie growls. The song ends, thankfully. Itchy isn't smoking a cigarette but probably would be if the Galactic Empire hadn't raised the tobacco taxes.

Leia calls Maala wanting to talk to Han and Chewie. If she could understand Wookie, Maala would probably tear her a new one and make sure the old one worked too. Art Carney volunteers to translate. Why doesn't C3-P0? Too uppity. We learn that Art Carney is a rebel. Is he a rebel without a cause? No, he opposes the Empire. Rebel with a cause...

The Millennium Falcon is getting close to the planet. Wasn't the planet under a blockade which would be impossible to reach? It sounds like Chewie's household hears someone land. Stormtroopers are at the door. They enter and a couple of Imperial officers do, too. Want to know where Chewbacca is. The stormtroopers search the place. Art Carney manages to entertain one of the officers with a holographic concert from Jefferson Starship.

No one can resist a Scweatty Weinahhhh... In these days, it seems like that would entertain someone as much as having stormtroopers burn your moisture farm to the ground. Art Carney finally leaves. The stormtroopers are still searching. Actually, Lumpy is getting mad at them. Maala gets him to his room where he watches a cartoon.... A cartoon with Luke, Han, and Chewie...

Newsflash...

We interrupt this review for a review of the Star Wars Cartoon.

In an asteroid field, Han and Chewie are returning from a mission to retrieve a mystical talisman. At the rebel base, C3-P0 explains about the talisman. The base cannot contact the Millennium Falcon. They manage to get a video shot of Han tied upside down (kinky, huh?) and Chewie can't hear them.

Luke, C3-P0, and R2-D2 take a Y-wing to follow Han and Chewie. They land or float on the watery moon. The comlinks are dead. A sea monster starts eating the Y-wing.

They manage to escape. A strange figure in armor tasers the sea monster. He's riding a large sea monster of his own. Luke thanks him, learns the stranger's name is Boba Fett. Boba volunteers to help find the Millennium Falcon . We are starting to realize Boba isn't such a nice guy. He beats his sea monster.

Luke is happy to have Boba's help. C3-P0 is less than happy and downright wary of him. Well, they quickly find the Falcon. Luke sees Chewie trying to get rid of the talisman. Luke collapses. Boba rushes in immediately afterwards wanting to know what happened to Luke. It turns the talisman transmits a sleeping virus to humans. Boba knows that the Imperials have a cure for it. Chewie is going along with him.

They sneak into the city. Chewie isn't happy with Boba's attitude.

Mace Windu, you keeelled my father. Prepare to die... Boba gets the cure quick and then contacts Darth Vader. Back at the Falcon, C3-PO and R2-D2 search the city datanet and intercept the message between Vader and Boba. The plan is for Boba to infiltrate the Rebels security and locate their new base.

Boba and Chewie head back for the ship. Stormtroopers are following them. Lose the stormtroopers. Han and Luke get the cure. C3-P0 and R2-D2 tell Luke about the message between Boba and Vader. Boba overhears them reveal his identity and he escapes. The Millennium Falcon leave the moon and head to the Rebel base.

We return to our regularly scheduled review. That isn't already in progress.

Well, little fat Lumpy liked the cartoon. The stormtroopers are tearing the place and more specifically his room and several toys apart. Poor little Lumpy has to clean up the mess they made in his room. He starts watching the video with a present: a mini-transmitter. Watch as Harvey Korman instructs Lumpy on how to build a transmitter.

Downstairs, a special broadcast comes on that is mandatory watching for the Imperials. Real Must See TV. Why the Imperials think it is important to watch a special about Tatooine? One of life's mysteries...It is the cantina from Star Wars. The place has sunk lower with Bea Arthur as the bartender. A guy tries to hit on her. All together class... Eeeewwwwwwwwww.... The show is interrupted. An Imperial officer declares a curfew on Tatooine. Bea tells everybody the bar is closed. But, they all ignore her. One last round. Have you ever wanted to see Bea Arthur sing to drunken aliens? If you have, what kind of freak are you? Well, the musical number of hers starts. They all leave after the song. Probably to escape her singing another song...

The Imperials receive a message to return to base except one stormtrooper who is to wait on Chewbacca. Apparently, the Empire has a good census program and accounts for every Wookie but leaves defenseless exhaust ports on super weapons. Lumpy built the transmitter and faked the message. I don't want to get into the fact that a spoiled Wookie child managed to hack into Imperial communications protocols and fake a message. Think if the Rebellion could do that. Back to the special, the stormtrooper finds Lumpy with the transmitter. The little furball gets out of the house before the trooper catches up to him with a drawn blaster.

Chewie and Han show up and take care of the trooper. Big reunion. Lotta Wookie hugging.... They growl their Wookie love for each other. Chewie and Maala hug. Knock on the door. Who can that be? Why it's rebel trader, Art Carney. The Imperials call Maala to find out what happened to the dead stormtrooper. Art Carney lies. The trooper stole food and robbed him, headed for the hills. With his work done, Carney leaves.

So we get to see how Wookies celebrate Life Day. They all wear red robes. And march across the stars. Maybe, they take some kind of Wookie peyote. Drugs would help explain the most infamous part of this special which will about to attack your senses. The Wookies are gathered in a central place. R2-D2 and C3-P0 are there. C3-P0 talks about how he wishes to have been more than robot to understand this celebration or something like that.

Leia, Luke, and Han are there, too. Leia gives some speech about courage and opposing evil.

Which of those in the lineup shot your womp rats? Then she sings. Those are some of the strongest 3 words ever spoken. Then she sings. Somehow, William Shatner singing "Rocketman" doesn't seem that bad. This thing ends. A question after this comes to mind. If I could why not have Leia sing to the Imperials, if that doesn't cause mass defections or suicides, the Rebels deserve to lose. The Imperials have Death Stars. But with Carrie Fisher's singing, that truly is a weapon of mass destruction. Then she sings.

What I say:

"What do you get a Wookie for Christmas when he Already has a Comb?" is the recommended soundtrack for this review.

The Star Wars Holiday Special has been used as my ace-in-the-hole review. In case, something went bad that review was ready to be posted at a couple of moments notice. I had mentioned a mystery review was posted, and a link was hidden somewhere on my site to it. No one seemed that interested which was fine. I kept this review saved back without ever ackowledging it. I realized with Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith about to be released. Why not fix up and actually post it with the large amount of fanfare my reviews generate? So, you've gotten past my synopsis of Wookies at home cooking, building robots, and watching Jefferson Starship and Disco porn.

For the most part I felt I was kid without a decade. Born in the late 70s, I wasn't old enough to realize a lot of the 80s was truly awful. Some of the early 80s cartoons, I remember hating but didn't keep me from watching them like Pole Position, Rubik's Cube, and even Turbo Teen. Music? I have no idea when a single radio station was close to play something besides country music was within listening range. I must stay on target....

Star Wars was the greatest thing in the early 80s even better than the great 80s television shows like V, Street Hawk, and all those other action shows where a lot of things exploded. Oh, back to 1983, a 6 year old SideOrderOfNinjas remembers seeing Return of the Jedi at a Sunday matinee. Back then, I had this strange obsession with movies like Star Wars, Superman, Indiana Jones, and the Roger Moore James Bond movies.

Remember the kid in school you wanted to smack by saying there were 3 movies before Star Wars. I was and still am the stereotypical nerd. However, I knew there weren't any movies before Star Wars. Them were fighting words almost on par with repeatedly arguing with your cousin who kept claiming there was a Goonies 2 movie. It was just a Nintendo game. Years later, I did finally pay enough attention to the screen crawl to see the infamous "Episode IV" on Star Wars title. After all, it was titled "Episode IV."

It has gotten to the point where Star Wars bashing is accepted and expected. The mid 90s saw the Dark Horse comics and the start of all the Star Wars novels being released. I followed them until the novels seemed to get about 30 years after Return of the Jedi. The comics became nearly impossible to find after most of the comic book stores went out in the mid 90s. However, picking up the story of the Sith War was awfully sweet.

The past few years had a truly excellent trilogy: Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, a few awful ones were released too: Matrix. The original Star Wars trilogy were incredible for children and a lot of adults, too. I was at the theater to watch when the Special Editions were released in 1997. It was quite a sight to see how many other people in Arkansas flocked to it. The prequels just hasn't grabbed me like the originals did. Opening day in 1999, I was there. Same as in 2002, I'll probably be there about the time you're reading this unless you're in line in front of me. The trailer for Revenge of the Sith looks awfully sweet. If Anakin cuts off Jar Jar's head, George Lucas can be forgiven for Jake Lloyd as young Anakin.

I wish I could explain the history of this in the detail it deserves. November 17, 1978, is day that will live in infamy. Not the infamy of Decemeber 7, 1941. This is an infamy that sci-fi fans and George Lucas wish to erase and wipe off the face of the Earth. In 1978, all the kids watched it. Just one problem, the Special wasn't very good. But, a new fangled invention called the VCR, which was extremely expensive at the time, recorded a copy of it. Somehow a few copies from the first VCR survived long enough through the 80s and into the 90s where it was eventually captured and put on the net. It has proliferated to the point to not being hard to find DVD copies on ebay or possibly on the peer to peer sharing networks. However, that is wrong.

The mere thought of Star Wars having stock footage borders on blasphemy. The special effects were revolutionary in the 70s and still bordered on historic. Lucas seems hellbent on removing every old copy possible. Han Solo shoots first not returning fire on Greedo. I don't want to get into how the special editions were so chocked full of computer efffects that killed a lot of charm. The Special does have numerous stock shots taken from Star Wars. The Star Destroyers and TIE Fighters...

Imagine a universe where men are warm for Bea Arthur's form. I'm sorry but that has to be more frightening than anything in Necronomicon. (Don't worry. I'm going to be throwing a lot more Lovecraft referneces around before I'm done.) If men or male aliens attracted to Maude isn't bad enough, she sings. This is like the Banshee's sonic scream that would clear the room in a few seconds. This is song that slowly causes them to leave the bar.

Jefferson Starship. It is hard to believe they could sink lower than appearing as holographic band in the Special. Changing their name to Starship and singing "We Built This City on Rock and Roll" is surefire way to sink even lower. If anyone could explain the line about "Marconi playing the mamba" or whatever it is, I will gladly proclaim you to be a Temporary Third Class Junior Wisconsin Drinking Ninja Apprentice.

Well, Star Wars can't have a Christmas story with it being set in a galaxy long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. I don't remember the 70s Christmas Specials that had someone opening the door, and who should it be? At best, a second rate Hollywood celebrity. Why did they have to take that format and use Star Wars characters in it? I could understand why the hordes of kids that saw it were disappointed and angry for such a travesty to have happened.

With as bad as everything is, Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher should be thankful for not being in the Special very much. There is plenty of crap to share everyone connected to this movie. Most of their roles are little more than cameos. Those cameos are embarrassing enough. Mark Hamill has on almost as much makeup as that male cousin no one mentions at the family reunion. Carrie Fisher seems a few sheets to the wind. It seems sobriety and her had parted ways. If she were any higher, Carrie would have been trying to mainline a bottle of Coke-Cola. Harrison Ford escaped with the most of his dignity intact. The Star Wars Holiday Special showed us how to utterly render dignity limb from limb.

How reviled is the Star Wars Holiday Special? I could write about putting Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur in Star Wars was slightly worse than my last job interview. Most of the running time consisted of Wookies growling around there house. Homebody Wookies seems awfully embarrassing for large furry aliens that could give Wolverine a run for his money in the berzerker department. George Lucas has been quoted to the effect of saying, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it." Them are awfully hard words for a guy who was determined to cram Jar Jar down our throats.

How long was this thing? Less than 2 hours. The actual time is at least 4 hours. Ever run across any unsubbed or undubbed anime? Trying to guess what is happening. The Star Wars Holiday Special is a lot like that. It has somuch painfully unfunny comedy as to make you rather perform a root canal on yourself with a dull power drill than watch it. If you want to see Wookies growling at each other for a half hour at a stretch without a single English syllable, this has to be up your alley. Klingons speak English and only use a phrase or 2 in the Klingon language. I started thinking this was some strange reality TV show. Can't you imagine relating to the Osbourne family more if they were portrayed by Wookies?

All of the following conversation has been subtitled...
Maala roars: Oh Chewbacca won't you give up on that deadbeat Rebellion and work for the Empire?
Chewbacca roars: Shutup woman and bring me a bantha pot pie!!!
Lumpy roars: I hate you both!!!!
Itchy roars: Where's my Rebel Girls Gone Wild DVD the one with all of the footage of Leia in the slave girl get-up? Son, with that metal bikini, she's hot....
Chewbacca roars: Can't you shut up about your porn!!! Besides she's into her brother or Han
Maala roars: Do I detect a note of sadness when you think about Han and Leia?
Chewbacca roars: Quit nagging me you shrew!!! Don't I provide for you a good living?
Lumpy roars: So good a living the neighbors take up a grocery collection for us every week.
Maala roars: Don't talk to your father like that!!!
Lumpy roars: Like he's really my father. He shows up once a year and I supposed to be thankful for it. Where is he when I get awards for hacking into the Imperial communication network? Who does my 'father' leave with us? A Wookie so perverted none of my friends can come over here because their parents are afraid of the sick old pervert.

It's a work in progress. But, at least that would be entertaining....

A lot of people have blocked ever watching the Special. George Lucas had done his best to keep you from watching it. That simple fact is enough to get a good number of people to want to watch it. One must be strong sort of like Conan pushing that wheel around for 15 years. Beginning B-Movie fans need more experience before trying to tackle this behemoth. I wouldn't want any of my ten of fans injuring themselves by diving headlong into something this kitschy without the proper training.

I normally don't really like discussing my thoughts about why I give a movie a particular rating. I try to write enough without delving into the recesses of my mind that would scar 98% of the populace. To me, the worst thing a movie can do is to be boring. A bad movie can still have redeeming values or train wrecking values. The so-bad-it's-good moniker is a lame explanation. The Star Wars Holiday Special is a truly awful movie. It is dull and drawn out with unfunny comedy. While it isn't as entertaining as say Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space, the sheer insanity of somehow mutilating the biggest movie of the previous year with something so awful. It seems incredible that Empire Strikes Back was able to wipe most of the taint of the Star Wars Holiday Special away.

The horror of Carrie Fisher singing makes me appreciate the singing of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, and Finnish Death Metal bands performing "Ghost Riders in the Sky". I've seen terrible movies. I've heard terrible songs. Ever hear the Star Trek theme with the lyrics? The funny thing is it is almost the same thing. However, the Star Wars theme with lyrics for a fictional holiday vaguely based on Christmas is wrong at least 8th dimensionally. I cannot grasp how anyone wuld want a stoned Carrie Fisher to sing into this...this foul spawn of Cthulu, Dagon, Shub-Niggurath, and Martha Stewart (she's into some really freaky nasty stuff.) Wookie growling and singing. How did George Lucas think this was a good idea? Was he the victim of blackmail? You can take crap and mold and shape it lovingly. But, guess what? It's still crap. Anyone really interested in this should realize this isn't going to be like the trilogy. It's like an order of crap with a side of pain. Then she sings....

For those who love George Lucas being unable to escape the taint of this

Quotable Dialogue
"I hate fish."
"The loin is very tasty."
"Why all the long faces?"
"Go clean your room..."
Morals of the Story
Wookies like silver-wigged woman a little too much...
Imperial officers are big fans of Jefferson Starship.
I did something bad in life to listen to Carrie Fisher sing and for that I apologize...

Wait, I've got more!!!

Animated What I say:

What else could I say after as many scathing comments outside of a David Heavener movie? I thought going over the cartoon part should be separated. This is one of the sacred movies; the few search this planet to unearth. There have been other Star Wars cartoons. But, who really wants to watch Droids or Ewoks? I never really watched the Clone War cartoons to get a good impression of them. The cartoon is pretty funky looking and done in the same style as Heavy Metal's Harry Canyon without any displayed bippies. At least, slave girl Leia is in Return of the Jedi looked that metal bikini. "Oh, Jabba, please free Han and show me your salacious crumb..." I'm sorry I didn't meand for that to sound that dirty.

However, it is still interesting to watch. It makes a unique forgotten footnote piece of science fiction history. But, think about how the animated sci-fi has never faired too well. The Star Trek cartoon from the early 1970s only lasted a couple of seasons but is mainly forgotten today...Funny how a lot of the old American cartoons are ignored but we trip over old Japanese anime which the Japanese tend to ignore... Star Blazers is packaged in some swanky DVD box sets. While, the Star Trek cartoon is gotten at best on the grey market.

It is just 9 minutes long. This is a pretty fast paced cartoon. I am not as much of a Star Wars fanatic as I used to be. However, I enjoyed the cartoon. This was done to introduce us to Boba Fett, intergalactic bounty hunter. The first appearance of Boba Fett. Strange, for such what is considered to be a cool character to not do anything. I guess Boba picks it up from his father, Jango Fett. Why? Because, bounty hunters are cool. Ask Lee Major about the Fall Guy. Star Wars has a bad track record of cool looking characters dying fast and embarrassingly. The Boba Fett Syndrome named for the eminently cool looking bounty hunter. Boba was swallowed by the Sarlaac Pit. Jango Fett was dropped by Shaft. Darth Maul was swiftly slashed into several uneven pieces. General Grievous looks like the next emdobiement of the Boba Fett Syndrome.

I'm not sure if the cartoon is so much more entertaining as compared to the Special with hours of growling wookies. It does at least seem more connected to Star Wars. No singing Carrie Fisher can greatly improve anything. That is the problem with the cartoon. It just seems a lot better being sandwiched between untranslated growling Wookies who were living out the 70s Christmas Special.

Quotable Dialogue
"You are foolish to waste your kindness on this dumb creature. "
"He seems like a friend."
"The only way to keep them alive is to let the blood rush to their heads."
"Boba, you're a hero and a faithful friend."
"He just didn't smell right."
Morals of the Story
If you want to appear good, don't beat your sea monster in public...