Sideshow Bob's Philosophy on Life

This collection of quotes only includes the best and funniest quotes from Robert..at least in my opinion. You can find complete quotes in my episode guides.

From "Krusty Gets Busted"

(Introducing the format for the Sideshow Bob show) "My young friends: For years I have been silent, save for the crude crescendos of this primitive wind instrument. But now destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here, but we'll also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts."

(Starting of the show) BOB: "Hello kids! Whom do you love?"
KIDS: "Sideshow Bob!"
BOB: "How much do you love me?"
KIDS: "With all our hearts!"

BOB: "Today's show promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit. But first, I regret to say I see a youngster who looks troubled. What's your name, young man?
BART: "Bart Simpson, sir."
BOB: "Well, perhaps we can shed some light on your problem in a new segment exploring pre-adolescent turmoil. I call it, 'Choices'."
BART: "I don't think so, sir."

BOB: "So, what's the matter, Bart, I'll bet the other children don't accept you."
BART: "True, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me. You see, my sisters and I have been doing a little investigating and it looks like to us like Krusty was framed."

BOB: "Bart, children. This whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us, but we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty not as a hardened criminal, but as that loveable jester, who'd honk his horn and put around in his little car."
BART: "And shot you out of a cannon."
BOB: "And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we? Bart, open your heart. I'll admit I have some might big shoes to fill..."

(At his arrest) "Yes, I admit it, I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years! I played the bufoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids."

"Treat kids as equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to catch me!"

From "Black Widower"

HOMER: "Gee, if some snot-nosed kid sent me to prison, the first day out, I'd find out where he lived and tear him a new belly-button! Grrr, unnh! Lousy snitch!"
BOB: "Ah, Mr.Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha."
HOMER: "Am not!"
BOB: "Yes you are. One, existence is suffering. Two, the cause of suffering is desire. In this case, my desire to do high-quality children's programming.

(To Krusty) "This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win you bantering Jack-in-the-Box!"

"Bart if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door....then what kind of guest would I have been?"

"Dear Selma, your latest letter set off a riot in the Maximum Security Wing of my heart."

"That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch."

(Talking to a sleeping Selma) "That's right dear, enjoy your rest... the wedding was very tough on you. And the honeymoon is going to be....murder!"

"I wanted a room with a fireplace, you brainless luggage monkey."

"Even murder has it's ugly side."

BOB: "Soon I will kill you."
SELMA: "Huh?"
BOB: "'Son pied sentit beau.' - french for, 'her foot smells lovely.'"
SELMA: "Oh."
BOB: "Prepare to be murdered."
SELMA: "Huh?"
BOB: "'Hai pa de babe mu' that's...sanskrit for 'Your toes are like perfume.'" (I think Bob made this one up).
SELMA: "Ah."
BOB: "Voy a matar a usted."
SELMA: "Wha?"
BOB: "That's Spanish for 'I'm going to kill you.'"

"Well, time for my walk...don't forget to die.

"I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets with all my criminal buddies!" - maniacal laughter.

From "Cape Feare"

LAWYER: "Robert, if you were released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?"
SIDESHOW BOB: "Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole?"
PAROLE PANEL: "We object to the term 'urine-soaked hell-hole' when you could have said, 'pee-pee soaked heck-hole'."
SIDESHOW BOB: "Cheerfully withdrawn!"

PAROLE PANEL LADY: "What about that tatoo on your chest, doesn't it say 'Die Bart, die'?"
SIDESHOW BOB: "No, that's German for, 'The Bart, the.'"
PAROLE PANEL LADY: "Oh! No one who speaks German could be an evil man!"

MARGE: "You awful man! Stay away from my son!"
SIDESHOW: "Oh, I'll stay away from your son alright - stay away forever!
HOMER: "Oh no!"
SIDESHOW: "Wait a minute - that's no good. Eeeugheeugheueoo!"
(Bob leaves, then returns): "Wait, I've got a good one now - Marge - say, 'Stay away from my son!' again."
MARGE: "No."
SIDESHOW: "Eeeugheeugheeoo..."

"The following neighbourhood residents will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson....that is all."

"Surely there's no harm in laying in the middle of a public street?" (at this point a marching band appears and runs over him.)

"Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed and ummmm....disembowel him! No, I don't like that 'bowel' in there....and....'gut' him. Ah! Le mot juste!"

"Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to Hell"

"By Lucifer's Beard!"

From "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican party. It's high time the public realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny-hatemongers and Charlie Bible-thumps, or even, God forbid, George Bushes."

"Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit! Huh! 'Attempted murder' Now honestly what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

"Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it."

"So sorry, Mr. Simpson, your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock expressway. Now I am a fair man. You will have seventy-two hours to vacate. At that time we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons."

"Oh, I don't mind, we want these children to feel justice has been served. That way they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent, motel pillows."

"Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! There, is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?"

"The truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!"

"Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud! And I have the records to prove it!" (pulls binders and disks out of his clothes and hair) "Here, just look at these! Each one a work of Machiavellian art!"

"...deep down inside you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a King!"

JUDGE: "Balifs, place the mayor under arrest."
SIDESHOW: "What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did."

From "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"

"Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal Television?"

"My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphillis and pinball combined. Oh how I loathe that box! Its omni-directional sludge-pump droning and burping, its..."

"Eugheughh..I renew my objection to this pointless endeavour, informally now, and by affidavit later! Time permitting."

"Airshow? Buzz-cut Alabamians spewing coloured smoke in their whiz-jets to the strains of "Rock you like a hurricane? What kind of country-fried rube is still impressed by that?"

WIGGUM: "Hey you, the state's not paying you five cents an hour to stand around, now get busy!"
SIDESHOW: "Oh, I'll get busy, I'll get very busy, indeed! Muahahahaha!!"
WIGGUM: "Heh heh heh - you've still got it Bob!"

COL.HAPABLAP: "Who's in my private washroom? McGukket? Let me in!"
SIDESHOW (imitating a moron): "The door already is closed!"
COL.HAPABLAP: "What? This is Col. Lelie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!"
SIDESHOW: "You say you're in the military?"
COL.HAPABLAP: "Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!"

"Oh, my utopia lies in ruins. How naive of me to think a mere atom bomb could fell the chattering cyclops!"

"'Best before November 1959.' Damn it, Bob, there were plenty of brand-new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50's charm."

"Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I'm fairly indifferent."

BART: "So Krusty double-crossed you. But your basic plan was pure genius. Where do you get your ideas?"
SIDESHOW: "Oh please, let's not embarras us both with that hoary old 'stall the villain with flattery' scheme!"
BART: "I should have known you were too smart for that."
SIDESHOW: "Really? What type of smart? Book smart? Because there are a lot of people who are book smart but it takes a very special type of genius to..."

SIDESHOW: "Ah for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit. Back before every Joe sweatsock could wedge himself behind a lunch-tray and jet himself off to Raleigh-Darhwa!
BART: "Are you getting lots of bugs in your teeth, too?"
SIDESHOW: "Yes."

BART: "You can't escape Bob! If the tennis rackets don't get you, the pool skimmers will!"
SIDESHOW: "Oh, I never planned to escape! You see, this is a Kamikaze mission! You and I are going to kill Krusty the Clown!"

"How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic, it could have spewed from the Power Book of the laziest Hollywood hack!"

From "The Brother From Another Series"

BOB (upon being recommended for work release): "Me? I'm touched, I really am, but you'll never find anyone willing to hire a five-time loser like me."
REV. LOVEJOY: "I already have."

CECIL: "I'm aware of your thelonious past, but you're still my brother, and blood is thicker than bread and water."
BOB: "You don't have to worry about me, brother, I'm all murdered out."
REV.LOVEJOY: "Praise the Lord!"

BOB: "I know I don't deserve another chance, but this is America, and as an American, aren't I entitled to one?"
CROWD: "Probably!"

"I hope they still make that shampoo I like."

CECIL: "Well, I am Springfield's Chief hydrological and hydrodynamical engineer!"
BOB:"Oh, hydrological and hydrodynamical? Talk about running the gamut."
CECIL: "Snigger all you like, Bob."
BOB: "Thank you, I believe I shall!"

BOB: "Oh come, now. You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?"
CECIL: "I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."

BOB: "Just the thought of all that raw, surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care."
CECIL: "Because, you'll be supervising the construction crew."
BOB: "Oh great, whenever a woman walks by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting: "Oh yeah! Shake it madam! Capital knockers!""

"Who is that? W-why it's Bart Simpson! HELLO BART!" (Bart hides) "He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times."

"To be fair, I never sucessfully killed anyone."

BOB: "That was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel. I hope you're happy."
BART: "I won't be happy until I find out what you're up to. Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting!"
CHIEF WIGGUM: "He says that, but I'll bet he gives up pretty quick."

CECIL: "Hello, brother. All's well I trust?"
BOB:"It most certainly is not! The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidentally blew yesterday."

"I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this. Rustic workmen have turned the sani-john into a smoke house, coveralls that don't quite 'cover all', and a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me - this little boy right here!" (he spins a pipe around, and we see Bart inside, glaring at him) "Sometimes I wish this dam would burst, and bury this cursed town."

BOB (to Marge): "Madam, your children are no more!...than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers."
HOMER: "Lisa too?"
BOB: "Especially Lisa! But especially Bart. If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions."

CECIL (explaining how he's going to blow up the dam): "Perhaps they'll blame it on the master criminal. You know, the one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield?"
BOB: "Now I know cousin Merle has had his trouble with the revenuers, but he's hardly a master cri - oh, you're referring to me."
CECIL: "Yes, I'm framing you, and I'm doing a really good job, too."
BOB: "Wait a minute, this is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?"
CECIL: "Off the record, yes. But officialy, I did it for the money!"

"Oh, I see," Bob scowls, "When it's one of my schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you - 'It's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.' Well if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself."

"Come on children, let's go thwart my brother!

"Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicicdal maniac without learning something about dynamite."

BOB: "You've brought shame to this family, Cecil. Oh I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year."
CECIL: "Nor I to read it. You know Bob, all this time I thought you were a bungler, but destroying the city is far tougher than I thought."

BOB (about to be put in jail again): "But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives. I'm a hero!"
CECIL: "Tell them they'll live to regret this."
BOB: "You'll live to regret this! Oh thanks a lot, now I look crazy."

CECIL: "You give me..."
BOB: "I'm the older brother, I get the top bunk!"
CECIL: "Oh, poppycock, I called it at the arraignment!"
CECIL (after finally giving in): "So, when do they bring us the menus?"

From "Day of the Jackanapes"

"Can it, you tired tot-sitter. I was the risible one in our dyad."

WARDEN: "Hey, hey lights out!"
BOB: "Oh, honestly. At Chino they get to stay up 'til nine!"
WARDEN: "Now Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino and that's just not true."

"Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books." (shows bruises to the audience), "These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although it's less painful than reading him."

RAPHAEL: "You wanna live in the box? Cost you two bucks a day."
BOB: "Oh thank you, kind innkeeper."

(After Gil asks what he's writing) "If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge."

"Phase one begins in...ten, nine, eight...Oh, I can't wait!"

SKINNER: "But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people."
BOB: "To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson."
SKINNER: "Good luck! That kid's like the Road Runner, he won't go down."
BOB: "Tell me about it!"

"No screams? Not even an eep?"

"Oh, believe me, I have a plan. Let's see..." Sideshow Bob pulls his plan out of his pocket and starts to read it, "Get job as school announcer...lure Bart to shed...secure same to chair, with a rope...ah, here we are! Have Bart kill Krusty."

"Watch the shiny quarter, Bart. That's it... oh damn it, where'd it go? I needed that for laundry!"

BOB: "Yes, that will do. Watch the spiral Bart. Let it entrance with it's twirliness, twirliness. You are in my power."
BART: "I am in your command."
BOB: "I didn't say anything about command. If you're in my power, say so."
BART: "I am in your power."
BOB: "Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No, power, power."

"Ah, the catwalk. The perfect vantage point...for revenge!" (sits down and opens a bag of chips) "Ah, kettle chips, the perfect side-dish...for revenge!"

BOB: "Well, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napolean Blownapart."
LEO: "Ugh, terrible!"
BOB: "Oh, hush up, Leo."

"Oh that sweet, funny man. Oh no! My boy bomb!"

WIGGUM (Brings in guillotine): "Okay, where do you want to do this thing?"
BOB: "Isn't it customary to have a trial?"
WIGGUM: "Oh, a wise guy huh?"

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