AskCaptainDialtone

Sulekha 22 August 2001

ASK CAPTAIN DIALTONE!

tinmoorthy

..Agony  columns  are popular. Have they relieved anybody  of  their problems, we may never know. It is one way of sharing your worry. That there are others in similar plight and you are not alone -- can give some comfort.

How do you get that telephone call through, how to keep that  persistent caller away, how to appear convincing on the long distance  -- are  some issues nagging you. Here's a column on the subject. It has answers to many of your predicaments..
 
 

:: Where on earth are you speaking from subterfuge ::

Dear Captain Dialtone : It was a long long ring. I refused to get up  from  the bed. The ring repeated persistently for  the  thirteenth time. Then I decided to silence it by lifting the handset.

The distant voice inquired, " Where are you speaking from ?"   At two in the morning you are not in a mood to explain if you are answering  from  Alaska or Ankleshwar. I react  " I am speaking from Baroda". She is not amused. The  call is disconnected  and faithfully repeated. This time she  gets  a reply from Banasvadi. Successive calls elicit responses from  the Buckingham Palace, White House, Pentagon and Irinjalakuda. Having never familiarised any topology, she imagines they are all  suburbs of the Newer Delhi. Did I react alright, Captain Dialtone ? -- PS, Fraser Town

Dear PS : You are entitled to your opinion on what to say on  the telephone. The voice at the other end cannot force what they want to  hear. You should always remember we are living in an  age  of information explosion. Information is power. Never give it away to anybody. Never. That is the principle.

In  the  instant case, it was not okay to say you  were  speaking from White house, if your house was actually pink. You shall  not lie  to your correspondent. I am speaking from my drawing room  - is perfectly in order, if you do not want to give away information.  I am speaking into my newly acquired cellphone,  somewhere on the highway to Jaipur - is deemed more decent these days. -- Capt. D
 
 

:: Locked up in a Jammed Bathroom Ruse ::

Dear  Captain  Dialtone : First there was a delay  in  answering. Then she feigned looking for the wanted person. There was another pause.  Room noise had also been thrown in for effects. Then  she articulates  slowly, "I am sorry, he is in the bathroom. I shall ask  him to return your call. I suppose he is aware of your  number". And the call was quickly disconnected.  Am I justified in getting offended? -- QR, Avadi

Dear QR : Such conduct is considered  dignified. Because, your correspondent can actually be busy in the bathroom. You  did not serve advance information of your call to him,  you see! -- Capt. D
 
 

:: No, he is not available even to Nelson Mandela -- Maneuvre ::

Dear  Captain  Dialtone : A  sweet voice reacted with a hello."Could I speak to Mister Bhatia please ?" -- "Who are you calling ? "I gave the identity. The  voice reacted "He is not available". I hurried " When  will he become availa..?" Before I could complete my query, the line  was disconnected. This I consider as unfair. I am convinced  I was treated as a doormat. How do I get over the nagging  feeling of helplessness? -- RK, Mylapore

Dear RK : The receiving end is entitled to be announced as to who is calling. It is also customary to let the originating party  to lead  the disconnection. The behaviour of the called  end  curtly cutting the call short is however not pardonable. -- Capt. D
 
 

:: The Prannoy Roy Ploy ::

Dear Captain Dialtone : The next time I was careful. Asked -  who are you calling -- I said with calculated leisure, " I am  Prannoy Roy  speaking. We want to interview Mister Bhatia. Could you  ask him to get in touch with one of our boys and... ? "Before  I  could complete, this time, the voice  reacted,  "Don't disconnect please. I am getting Mr Bhatia on the line. Hold on.." I often drop names. But only to elicit a reasonable response.  Is this bad telephone manners? -- RK, Mandavalli

Dear  RK : No. Anything is fair in war and phone. You need to  be somebody  to be attended to. But after that you have to  be  your good self. -- Capt. D
 
 

:: Winner in the Lucky Draw Diversion ::

Dear  Captain Dialtone : Next time I did the same  refrain,  but the  trick would not work. "He is not available". I was not foolish to ask when he would  be back. I know, by now, what could happen. So I said, "How unfortunate!  He has been selected as the winner in the  draw.  He  is being  given twin tickets to Singapore with five star accommodation  for three nights and four days. If Bhatia is not  available we are obliged to offer this to the next man in the panel. Who is that? Mr Misra. Okay, we shall invite Mr Misra and family" and then I disconnected. Later  in  the  day, I am told I had visitors in  the  house.  Mr Bhatia had presented himself with his Mom, Dad and the  in-laws. But I wasn't available. When would I be available ? The door  was slammed shut without an answer. Did I over-react, Captain? -- RK, Madipakkam

Dear  RK  : Yes, of course. Mister Bhatia was  required  only  to bend.  To put his whole household in red alert, was  totally  uncalled for. Your conduct is reproachable. -- Capt. D
 
 

:: The Plain Dumb Tactic ::

Dear Captain Dialtone : "No, I don't know", I said. "What do you not know ?", insisted the caller. He was adamant and would not get off the line easily. "Whether my father is available or not ?", I said. "If  he  is at home, he must be available. If he is  not,  he  is unavailable. As simple as that, Baby!" -- "I don't know if he is at home" -- "Why, are you not speaking from the house of your father ?" -- "No,  I am speaking from Origami Hospital -- Casualty.  I  am the Receptionist" -- "Am I not speaking to Gopalsamy's daughter ?" -- "No, I am not sure" -- "What are you not sure about?" -- "If Gopalsamy is my father" -- "What do you mean -- you ought to be ashamed, young lady" -- "What can I do, if my Dad is a Rungasamy and not a Gopalsamy?" -- "Is it not nine triple five... ?" -- "No, it is a wrong number.." I was obviously relieved. Is there a more effective prescription for warding off such unrelenting callers ? -- Worried, Worli

Dear Worried : There is. For example, don't answer that ring -- Capt. D
 
 

:: Information is Power - Strategy ::

Dear Captain Dialtone : The telephone buzzed. It was the unlisted number. So I answer promptly. -- "This is six seven eight two nine. A good morning from Raju" -- "Did you say it is six seven eight two nine?" -- "Yes, Madam. I also added Raju is at your service. What can I  do for you?" -- "Normally when I dial six seven eight two nine, I get Archana and not a Raju. You must be a wrong number, I am certain" -- "You mean to say that Archana has the same number as mine ?" -- "No,  her number is actually six seven triple eight. But   you dial  that  number  you get Madhu. The listed  number  of  Madhu, however  is six and quadruple eight. I have a complete  list  as what to dial to get whom. I don't know who you are. But you  certainly  sound interesting. What are you doing this evening?  You can buy me a dinner. We could meet at Wengers and together  spend a quiet evening " -- "Okay, it is fine with me" --"Now tell me, how do I recognise you ? You plan to button  single rose, or something like that.." -- "It  wouldn't be necessary, Madam, I shall pick you up  from  the outer  office.  See, you are speaking on  my  key-telephone.  You forgot to dial zero or wait for the dialing tone." -- Did I do the right thing, Captain? -- GV, Noida

Dear  GV: Yes, this is how a tele conversation must  ideally  be piloted. The called party not only volunteers the line number but also  his  personal identity. He initiates the dialogue with  a pleasant note. That is commendable. He does not get offended when asked to repeat the tele number. On the other side, she is  ready to donate information and co-operate in the outcome of the  deal. The most relieving feature however is that the call culminates in an unambiguous course of immediate action -- which in fact is the essence of productivity.

It  has to be. Because, it is the style of my boss confirming a date with a new Secretary! -- Capt. D
 
 

Dear Di : There was then this call at three in the morning.

"Uncle, I’m extremely sorry to bother you at this time in the night. I am Navin speaking from Meghalaya. Is Mom fine ?"

"Yes, of course, Sonny ! Shall I call her ?"

"No Uncle! You please tell her I’m fine. I was posted here last week. I shouldn’t be troubling you . She should keep cheerful till I return. She must be ok, that is all I pray for.."

"Sonny, Your mother is fine. I shall go down and bring her. Can you call after, say, five minutes ?"

"Uncle-ji, I prefer to hang on. I got your line after enormous difficulty. I am not sure if I would be able to reach your line again. It tests so busy, you see .."

"OK, Sonny, please hold on, Chottu is already down to fetch your mother... Oh yes, she‘s here. She would love to hear your voice.. Speak on.. "

I like to contribute to such efforts. You give me a dozen phones. I can handle all the calls from the action fronts. I wish I can do something for the country. Have you heard of any volunteering organisation that feels similarly ? -- Ram Sevak, Varanasi

Dear Uncle-ji : You’re just doing fine. Keep it up. Do not bother about others. Carry on your service, the way you like. You lead. Others will follow you eventually. That is called patriotism -- a commodity hard to come by, these days ! -- Captain Dialtone

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