Misc. Jokes; Page 2
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park. One day, an angel came down from heaven and said "Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, in which you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes. A good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of the bushes could be heard for the next fifteen minutes. When the two emerged from the bushes, they had wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen minutes." the angel said, winking at them. Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male and said "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on it's head!!"
Q: What do a "Dirt Devil" vacuum and Viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One leaves to go to the restroom, so three men are left. The first guy says "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local car dealership. Turns out that he got a break; they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful, he gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second man says "I was worried about my son too. He started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out, HE got a break and they made him a commissioned salesman; he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful, he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday!" The third guy says "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, he also got a break, they made him a broker, and he bought the firm. In fact, he's so rich, he just gave his best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday. " The fourth guy comes back from the restroom and the first three explain that they were talking about their kids... He says "Well, I'm embarassed to admit that my son is a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has several boyfriends. On the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a house, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it came her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step. Slightly embarassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. Again, she tried to make the step, but could not raise her leg. So, a little more embarassed, she gave the bus driver a little smile and attempted to unzip her skirt a little more. Much to her chagrin, she still could not raise her leg. With a coy little wink at the bus driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, but was again unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in line picked her up easily and placed her lightly on the bus. Rather than being grateful, she turned to him and screeched "How DARE you touch my body! I don't even know you!!" At this time, the Texan drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree, but I kinda figured you unzipping my fly three times made us friends."
A man was leaving a Stop N' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the pit bull and said "Sir, I know it's a bad time to ask, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, the first one is for my wife. My dog bit her and she died." He inquired further: "Who is in the second hearse??" The man replied "My Mother-In-Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died." A poignant and thoughtful moment passes between the two men. "Sir, could I borrow your dog??" he asks. The man replies: "Get in line."
A man was walking along the street when he noticed a ladder going up into the clouds. He decided to climb the ladder... When he reached a cloud, there was a rather plump, ugly woman there. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success." she said. Well, of course, he climbed on up. At the second cloud, there was a woman who was ever so slightly easier on the eyes. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success." she said. No contest, the man thought. He climber further...and when he reached the third cloud, there was a woman who was actually desireable... "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success." she said. He thought to himself "Man, this just keeps getting better and better. I'm going up." So he climbs to the fourth cloud. The woman there was an absolute beauty. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success." she said. Unable to imagine what awaited him at the next cloud, he decided to climb again. When he reached the top, there sat an UGLY 400lb. man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. The ugly giant's face brightens when he sees that he has company. "HI!" he said "My name's Cess!!"
When a mother returned home from the grocery store, her small son rummaged through the groceries until he found the small box of animal crackers his mother had bought for him. He spread all of the crackers out on the kitchen table, and started examining each one. "What in the world are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained "I'm looking for the seal."
One morning, a grandmother was suprised by her seven yeard old grandson. He had made her a cup of coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee she had ever tasted...and when she got to the bottom of the cup, she found three little green plastic army soldiers. She said "Honey, what are your toy soldiers doing in my cup of coffee?" Her grandson said "Grandma, it says on TV that 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!!'
One day, Mr. jones went to have a talk with the minister of his church. "Reverend", he said "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarassing. What should I do??".
"I have an idea", the minister said "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin. "
In church the following sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "JESUS!!" cried Mrs. Jones, as her husband jabbed her leg with the pin.
"Amen, Mrs. Jones!!" the preacher said. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. "Who is your redeemer??" he asked as he motioned to Mr. Jones. "GOD!" cried Mrs. Jones, as she was once again stuck with the pin.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones!!" the preacher said. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, the preacher did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his service, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife. He was just sticking his wife with the pin, as the pastor asked "..and what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked "You stick that damned thing in me again, and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!"
One day, God decided to check in on Adam and Eve. As he looked down into the Garden of Eden, he noticed Adam leaning against a tree, smoking a cigarette. "How's it going, Adam?" God said.
"Going great, Lord!!" Adam said, "Eve and I were just rolling in the hay, if you know what I mean."
"I see," God said, "And where IS Eve?"
Adam said "Oh, I told her to go wash off in the river."
God was obviously upset by this. "DAMNIT, ADAM!!!! NOW how am I supposed to get that smell outta' the fish!?"