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Sunday, March 31, 2002
Google searches yielding NEELPIMP on the first page of results..
robot prostitutes
"the secret to head sex"
boneable puritans
ride on vulnerable milfs
Find anymore? Leave a comment.
posted by Tyler 9:58 PM
Okay, my mom is roasting a ham or whatever it is when you put a ham in the oven until you can eat it and we didn't have potatos. She sent me to the grocery store... and as usual I was driving like a jerk, because I was watching TV and I was thinking "I wonder if I can make it before the commercials are over... no, but I can try!". I made a right turn and there was this group of punk kids on skateboards taking up the whole lane. So I creep right up on them and honk my horns (Yes.. I have TWO horns... TWO! and they work at the same time! it's pretty damn cool) and they get scared and a couple of them fall down and I laugh and continue on my way. Kids shouldn't play in the street... especially when they are kids with "skateboarding is not a crime" on their shirt. I see one flip me off as I drive away. Well, I wasn't going take any of that...after all, I was missing TV for this. I stop, shift to reverse and floor it. The kids see what's going on and run to the safety of the sidewalk, but one panicked and left his skateboard in the street. *CRUNCH* and my right rear wheel smashes it into little pieces. I then shift to drive, flip them off, and go to the grocery store. I didn't make it home in time, but I think it was a just cause.
posted by Tyler 5:06 PM
Friday I left, today I came back. Absence explained.
We went to breckenridge to go skiing in keystone. Here are memorable moments.
Friday:
Mom: Tyler, we're going to go walk around town, want to come?
Me: Are you getting dinner?
Mom: Not right now.
Me: No.
Saturday: We were in our condo and watching TV and we hear this thump from the place next door. This kept going on for about 10 minutes when there was an ever louder thump, followed by a crash, then followed by a small child crying. I thought it was funny... sounded like the kids were racing into a wall.
Sunday: Came home...
posted by Tyler 1:08 PM
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
We were walking by the doors and a group of morons was outside banging on the door, apparently every day they forget that all but the main entrances are locked after 8am. So chris says "You want in do you? Well, you're going to have to see my nipple" and he presses against the glass. I think it would have been easier to make them dance.
posted by Tyler 7:13 PM
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
I was thinking about robots... how they could help us by cleaning our homes, making our food, and washing our cars. But I think that's bad. I decided I will make money by hanging out at stop lights. Then I'll run up to stopped cars with a newspaper in one hand and an old windex bottle full of tap water in the other "I clean your window! I clean your window for one dollar!". These robot bastards are trying to put me out of work.
I think robots should only be used for war and clean efficient prostitutes.
posted by Tyler 9:57 PM
Monday, March 25, 2002
I missed my old design too much... it's like my #1 Sex Machine shirt... I just can't stay mad at it.
posted by Tyler 9:08 PM
We had a sub in US. Lit... i'm not sure if I made a good impression. She asked everyone if they watched the oscars last night and such.
Sub: Tyler?
Me: Hm?
Sub: Did you watch the oscars?
Me: No... I was watching porn.
Because I was...
posted by Tyler 6:26 PM
Sunday, March 24, 2002
Trying this out.. don't like it? Eat me.
I changed the music... the old music was out of place with this new design. Never fear, i've chosen the Hulk sad walking away music.
You can always hit stop, then click this link for the old music.
I'm still trying to get blogger to look all purty in frames. just bear with me, or i'll shoot your pa.
posted by Tyler 7:38 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2002
Pop up ads are gone now! My mighty 4.95 a month will keep them away. I could do better for 5 dollars a month but i'm too damn lazy to move.
posted by Tyler 9:49 PM
I started to make buttons but why make buttons when I can make nice pretty pictures? One is to your left and the other is in this post... if you can't see it you don't deserve too.
I call that one the "Alfred Hitchcock angle".
Today all I did was go to hooters with chris and bryan, matt didn't join us (we usually go every friday). Then we took bryans truck four wheeling. We found an old couch with a fold out bed so put it in the bed of bryans truck, but then we decided it would be more fun to drag it around and ride on it... that couch delivered a nice smooth ride until we ripped it apart. Then we shot pool in matts basement. I would have done more but I decided I'm too cool for that shit.
posted by Tyler 12:16 AM
Friday, March 22, 2002
Many people ask me "Tyler, you seem like a funny guy. Why are you single?". I can't really say. I think I should just expand my horizons to include vulnerable milfs who got through messy divorces and can use some lovin'. I must go to the produce and baby care aisles at the local grocery stores, to the bee mobile!
posted by Tyler 8:33 AM
Thursday, March 21, 2002
I was driving with bryan after blowing up stuff (nothing illegal, i'm sorry) and linkin park comes on my stereo. "Is he bobbing his head to this shit?" I asked, refferring to my bobbing head puppy doll on my dashboard. "I don't think so" answered bryan. "Good... because if he were" and I gestured how i was going to backhand the puppy if he were bobbing his head to linkin park.
Now some wankers out there might wonder why I don't like linkin park. Why don't I like scalding hot showers or being kicked in my groin? It's just plain painful. Same with Creed. God I hate creed... if Iron Man got in a fight with My Sacrifice... iron man.
posted by Tyler 9:14 PM
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Hehe... you know what's funny? When people talk shit about how they can take me on and then I go to their house and they won't come outside. Pissed me off. I wanted to knock him unconcious and leave him in a funny position.
posted by Tyler 7:43 PM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
It's a box social! says:
matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt
Matt Hergett says:
I saw you coming home from the job fair, Tyler. On dunbar, I would have stopped, but people behind me.
It's a box social! says:
matt matt matt matt matt matt matt
It's a box social! says:
matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt
It's a box social! says:
matt matt matt matt matt matt matt
It's a box social! says:
Tequila!
Bryan says:
hehe
posted by Tyler 9:40 PM
Many of my frequent readers know about my quest to see how long i could go without choking kojak (Thank you Romanza for the wonderful metaphor)... well, yesterday was also the day I quit... or shall I say started. That makes 23 days. I will spare you the details, but basically last night I couldn't sleep because of all my built up mojo.
posted by Tyler 8:41 PM
Monday, March 18, 2002
It's snowing. God damn it, I'm sick of snow. I wish I had some kind of weather altering machine, but instead it would be a giant laser. Then I would take this laser and use it to boil the oceans, ruining the fish stick industry and causing global economic hardship...
posted by Tyler 8:05 PM
Tyler gets pulled over for speeding on St. Patricks day.
Female officer: Is that a 1.6L DOHC toyota engine under there?
Me: Is it ever...
Female officer *strokes my leg*: I like a man with a fuel efficient car..*begin '70s porn music*Actually it went like this.*edited* Eh... it's too long, I summarize. Being saint patricks day they gave me a sobriety test.I failed the test where you follow the pen because for some reason I can't cross my eyes. They called a narcotics officer to make sure and searched my car. He shined a light in my eyes and said i was fine. The original officer just gave me a warning, probably because he did enough damage already.
posted by Tyler 5:34 PM
Saturday, March 16, 2002
I hate how my mom only buys skim milk. It pisses me off, she knows I hate it, she knows I like whole milk, she knows that the absence of milk fat makes for a dissapointing bowl of cereal, but she still buys it. "It's good for you".... "Well so is whole milk". "It's better for you than whole milk". "Fine, I'm going to eat a can of frosting you dairy nazi"
You know what I learned? My mom hates me. Otherwise she'd buy me the whole milk my growing body needs. I look through the fridge in search of food. I find a carton containing "Silk" a soy beverage. What the fuck is that? Not only does she not buy me whole milk, but she buys this soy subsitute that's all grainy and not.. good.. tasting.
I have a low-flow showerhead. I hate it so much. Mostly because I am too tall and have to duck to wash my hair, secondly, no matter how long i take a shower I still feel dirty. I need a shower when afterwards I can proclaim out loud "I am the cleanest little boy in the world". Damn environmentalists. You can't fucking run out of water... we don't shoot it off into space when we flush our toilets.. I live on the eastern slope in colorado. If I want to pour dangerous chemicals down my sink, that's nebraskas problem not mine
Why the hell do people buy SUVs when they still slow down to go over railroad tracks and come to a complete stop before going over a speed bump?
Since when is it illegal to catch and release prarie dogs by means of a loop of rope over their hole but I can still shoot them?
Why am I angry? It's 815 pm on a saturday and I haven't done anything yet.
posted by Tyler 8:19 PM
Friday, March 15, 2002
As saint patricks day approaches, I felt the need to plan. So far it goes like this.
1) Wait until the women-folk get drunk
2) Pick up drunk, vulnerable women
It's so simple... it can't fail
posted by Tyler 10:08 PM
Tyler at best buy
Clerk: May I help you sir?
Me: Kind of... I noticed you have the entire Girls Gone Wild series on DVD. Tell me, how wild do these girls get?
Clerk: I really can't tell you
Me: I'd like to speak to someone who can...
Clerk: I'll look
Me: Thanks.. I don't mean to be a bother, I just really hate substandard nudity
Moments later...
Clerk2: You finding everything alright?
Me: Oh i found it, but I need some help.
Clerk2: Okay.
Me: I was talking to an employee named stacy, you know them?
Clerk2: Yeah
Me: She was trying to help but... just couldn't. She said she'd find someone else
Clerk2: Well, let's see if I can help you
Me: How wild are the girls on Girls gone wild? Any naked tickle fights?
Clerk2: I'm not sure
Me: Damn it, she said you'd know.
Clerk2: Well.. I don't.
Me: Well, perhaps you can help me elsewhere.
Clerk2: Sure...
Me: I noticed this DVD says some french word, then lesbos... how about that?
Clerk2: I don't know
Me: Well look at the back... I think that looks much more wild than this "girls gone wild" shit
Clerk2: It does
Me: So why the hell do you carry girls gone wild? I want to see more french lesbians
Clerk2: You can fill out a suggestion form at the front of the store
Me: I don't know... that's kind of far. Can I try out this lesbo porn on one of your DVD players?
Clerk2: I don't think you're allowed to do that
Me: How about that thing there... with all the speakers set up? Come on... surround sound porn
Clerk2: Better not
Me: You're just saying that because i want porn aren't you? You think you're sooo big with your not buying porn... but one day you'll get off your damn high horse and watch emotionally disturbed ex-cheerleaders wearing french maid outfits with the rest of us. I bid you good day sir.
I think it's funny how they have porn in the "Sports/Fitness" section of their DVDs
posted by Tyler 6:25 PM
Thursday, March 14, 2002
I was very dissapointed with celebrity boxing... I wanted to see Vanilla Ice fight Ice Cube... or Mr. T... or both.
posted by Tyler 8:48 PM
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
Bob lives in the mountains... and bob's house is surrounded by dried up plant life.
Matt, chris, and I went to bob's house and were shooting off fireworks because it's fun. We lit off one of my huge ass bottle rockets and it went boom and made sparkly and then I noticed a lot of embers landed up on a small ridge right by bobs house. "Chris, go look for fire." I said. Chris and bob climbed up and I hear bob say "There's fire". Me and matt ran up immediately. I was expecting a tiny fire, but I was wrong. There was about a steady 15-20 wind pushing the fire from dried grass to dried up shrubs. "I have to pee on it" I thought to myself... because I've accidently started many a blaze. But it was cold, and tyler jr was not up to the task. So I had to resort to stomping it out. Bob, being the quickest on rocks, ran to get a bucket of water. Matt was working on the grass and me and chris were stomping out the shrubs. Chris had a jacket and used it to smother the flames while I resorted to using my big feet to smash the bushes down and stomp them into oblivion. We stopped it from spreading and bob came back with water to finish it off. At the end all that was left was a patch of charred plants about 12 feet by 4 feet.
In a way, I'm a hero for telling chris to look for fire. Then again, it was my bottle rocket that started it. I think the real hero is chris, he sacrificed the jacket he never leaves home without to save us from a 750 dollar fine and up to 6 years in prison.
posted by Tyler 10:53 PM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Want to join the Party?
Email me with a link to your blog... if I like you, you can join.
If I don't like you, don't take it personally, I don't like your family either.
posted by Tyler 11:04 PM
I was puppy sitting for a couple hours for a family friend and decided to use the puppy to my advantage and meet some women folk. So I took her to the park. I walked around and realized how great puppies work at meeting womens. Eventually I met the really cute girl who looked to be about 16. We talked and talked and really hit it off. After about an hour she asked how old I was. I said 17. She said "so where do you go to school?" I said "Rocky". I asked where she went... "Blevins". Dear god... that's a jr. high. That means she's not 16... she's 15 at the oldest. I thought to myself "Calm down tyler... maybe she was held back. may-" "Do you drive?" she interupted my thinking "Yes. Do you?" "No... I want to get my permit but I'll have to wait a month until I'm 15." Sweet Jesus she's 14... 14! NO! I wanted to yell "You can't be 14! Look at your boobs for christ's sakes!".. oh my God I was looking at her boobs! As I was mentally freaking out, a small child ran up to her and said "I want to go home" and we said our goodbyes.
I should card people before I talk to them.
posted by Tyler 10:33 PM
Monday, March 11, 2002
I hate 15 year old kids. Sure I was once 15... and it tears me up inside. But you know... I hated 15 year olds when I was 15 so eat me. Since I hate 15 year old kids, I naturally loathe going to the mall. Today I had to go because I needed a hand vacuum pump to bleed the brakes on our pig (74 Harley) and sears has them the cheapest.. Sears is in the mall. I was walking to sears and see a girl with a shirt that says "Don't Label Me" walking into Hot Topic. I hate hot topic. Greasy haired anime dorks and goth queers painting themselves pale and listening to shitty music whining about how no one loves them because if my son wore a black shirt and a spiked collar... well, I'd take him hunting, shoot him, and say it was an accident. So back to this girl. She's walking in and I say "Don't go in there...". she called me a freak. "did you just label me? You just went against everything your shirt says. If I were Jesus, I would refuse to die for your sins." She cleverly replided "The shirt says don't label ME.. I can label you." To which I responded "So I can't label you but you can label me, right?" "Yeah". "I'll see about that you stupid cunt. Would you look at that, I CAN label you. Isn't that something?"
And then I went to sears and all was good.
posted by Tyler 9:43 PM
Sunday, March 10, 2002
I was thinking... more importantly I was thinking about the movie Tron....
If you haven't seen the movie, good for you. It really sucked. But that's not what I was thinking about. Tron could have easily been a porn flick. Same with the movie AI. Robots and videogames make for good porno.
p.s Day 15...
posted by Tyler 9:09 PM
I think bike shorts should not be sold to men. Every time I see a man in spandex riding a bike, I lose a little bit of my mojo.
posted by Tyler 8:13 PM
Saturday, March 09, 2002
I went to Wyoming and bought a 10 strips of black cats about 20 bottle rockets, but not the tiny ones... the big ass ones. These things are about 1.25 inches in diameter... huge ass bottle rockets.
I then drove around in the mountains and whenever I saw a car full of pot smoking kids and/or horny lovers... I'd try to send some fiery hell into their car. The first car contained teenagers who were going at it... so they didn't notice me place a strip of 200 black cats on their windshield, until it went off. Nothing says I love you like wetting your pants. Towards the reservoir I found a truck with a bunch of rowdy snot nosed punk kids in the back. A bottle rocket to the bed of their truck showed them.
This was all between 8pm and 9pm... I guess those kids have to be home before bedtime.
*cut out because it was too long.*
posted by Tyler 9:23 PM
Friday, March 08, 2002
Celebrity boxing on Fox... now that is some quality entertainment. I look forward to watching Tonya Harding wail on Paula Jones., but you know, they don't look that tough. I bet I could beat both of them up.
posted by Tyler 11:59 PM
SPRING BREAK!
I said to my young friend chris "Chris, I'm taking you to Hooters." He eagerly agreed. I decided to teach chris the physics of hooters. When we paid ,chris put down 11 dollars and I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of quarters, chris is perplexed. Amber, our busty waitress says "Is that the money?". "And then some.." I said . She smiled. She scooped the quarters into one hand, bills in the other. "keep watching chris... keep watching." As she turned and started to walk away, she dropped a few quarters and bent down to pick them up. When she was out of earshot I said to chris "See that? I invented that... you see, I have big hands. A handful of change for me is too large for a womans hands, and they are likely to spill...". Chris replied "You're my hero... teach me your ways". "When you are ready grasshopper..." "But I want hot wings and booty!" chris whined. "heh heh... you remind me of a younger hornier me
posted by Tyler 6:28 PM
Thursday, March 07, 2002
I'm driving home and I see a young lady by her car at the side of the road struggling with a jack. I pull up and get out. "Need help?" I ask. "No.. I'm just out here for fun... of course I need help!" I could tell she was a bitch, pretty, but a bitch. "Okay... let me get something first." I go in my car and get 35 cents, "Find a pay phone you ungrateful bitch!" and I threw it at her and flipped her off as I drove away.
Who says chivalry is dead?
posted by Tyler 6:47 PM
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
Quote of the day!
"All I want the Girl Scouts to give me are cookies and oral sex"
--Christopher English
Don't worry folks, he's 15. Okay, you can worry. Our dear chris e. is a shining example of how fast being friends with me can warp a fragile mind.
My dashboard looked pretty lonely so I bought me a Bobbing Head Puppy Doll for it.. the bobbing head puppy is probably the greatest invention known to man... besides pornographic jigsaw puzzles ("I think I've earned this").
At 1pm today I officially beat Simon's record for voluntarily not jerking it contest. I'm going to try to go on some more for good measure.
This shows that when it comes to not masturbating, Catholic always beats Mormon. Always....
Jesus probably stopped loving me right about now, oh well... he likes me as a friend.
posted by Tyler 9:50 PM
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
Day 10... so close...
Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory is one of the most perverted movies ever...
Do you like what you see charlie?
posted by Tyler 6:42 PM
Monday, March 04, 2002
I was thinking about something...
Ever single movie on Lifetime goes like this...
1)Anorexic figureskating teenage girl and her mother are terrorized by their drunken father/husband figure
2)Drunken father/husband beats mother
3)Daughter and mother escape one stormy night
4)Drunken father persues them and dies somehow
5)Daugher and mother find refuge in a place I call "Femminonia" and live happily ever after.
posted by Tyler 8:47 PM
Day 9 and feelin' fine... actually not but day 9 and going insane doesn't rhyme...
Simon is out of the running, quitting friday on day 11. Why? He explains "It was a snowday, no one else was home, and I thought I could look at some porn without incident but I was wrong, I was dead wrong".
3 more days and victory is mine... I'll try to go a bit longer to give myself a greater edge. Next week is spring break though, and I'm going to have a lot of free time. I don't think I'll make it, but we'll see...
I've noticed for awhile that our schools dress code says nothing about being required to wear pants. There is a limit on how short shorts and skirts can be but nothing mentions being required to wear pants/pants like clothing. In theory, I could come to school wearing only underwear and be within the dress code. Unless underwear counts as shorts... I could go without underwear or pants but there are laws against that.
Okay... I can go to school wearing only a shirt and boxers that are the minimum 6 inches...
It's odd, girls can't wear spaghetti straps but I can come to school without pants.
posted by Tyler 8:27 PM
Sunday, March 03, 2002
I hate it when people tell me how to drive. My mom was with me and she says "brake lights". I wanted to yell "God damn it i can see them too". instead I slammed on my brakes and made a delightful skidmark about 10 feet long and stopping about 100 feet away from the car in front of me. "What the fuck was that for tyler?" "There were brakelights mom, I had to stop... thats why you warned me, right? I was going to hit them? Or were you just saying that to piss me off?" Yesterday matt was in my car and he said "there are chicks in that car", reffering to a car pulling into a gas station. "Oh boy! chicks!" and i turn at 40mph into the gas station. Showed matt... Yes, I can tell if there are girls in a car or not, no need to point that out.
And my little 15 year old sister... who has yet to even study for her permit, already thinks she's a better driver than me, my dad, my mom, or my older sister. i am waiting to make a left turn and I hear her say "Go", what the fuck is that? I know when I can and can't go... She once told me to "go" when there was no car in sight. I knew I could have made my turn, but since she said go I would make my turn and I would have to put up with her smart ass smirk all the way home.. so I decided to wait... and wait.. and wait... "Go tyler." "hm?" "go" "what?" "GO!" "how about you shut the hell up before I smack your mouth". It just pisses me off so much when people tell me what to do when it's my car, my gas, and their decision to ride with me. if you are in my car and i decide i am gong to hit someone, you are going to like it.
posted by Tyler 9:46 PM
Bryan kept a giant chocolate easter bunny in his room for four freakin years. We decided it was time to send mr. bun bun on his way, and that his work on this world was completed. But how do you get rid of a giant four year old chocolate rabbit? You can't eat it but at the same time, to throw it away would me meaningless... almost as meaningless as keeping the damn thing for four years.
I noticed the rabbit was hollow, and there was a hole melted into it, how? I don't know... but i had an idea. I took some fireworks from my car and decided to use two m100s with the fuses tied. The streets were still covered in snow so we set Mr. Bun Bun in the midder of the street, lit the fireworks and put them inside. We then stepped back and watched. He was sitting there smiling, holding his little basket and then...*B-Bang* and Mr. Bun Bun was blown into little tiny pieces. the largest piece was his basket, about the size of the bottom of a pop can... the rest were smaller than postage stamps. We never found all of the pieces, but I think we did a good thing.
posted by Tyler 9:09 AM
Saturday, March 02, 2002
I kid you not
21.71% of my readers typed "caitlyn was naked" (minus quotes) into google.
Try it, you'll be pleasently surprised.
posted by Tyler 1:03 AM
Friday, March 01, 2002
Why I am a better person that Matt HergettI like baby ducks Matt likes bondage porno
posted by Tyler 11:57 PM
I got a foot of snow at my house... and school is cancelled... and I have nothing to do... day 6 is going to be quite a challenge.
posted by Tyler 11:34 AM