Thursday, January 10th, 2002 I just got done listening the Picard's flute solo from the ST:TNG episode "Inner Light"..or "The Inner Light"...one of the two @.@ I love that song so much! I can seriously listen to that piece over and over and never tire of hearing it. I must have listened to it hundreds of times and it still gets an emotional response from me each time. I feel my heart tighten sometimes and it makes me want to cry..other times it'll put me at a total peace..sometimes it'll even fill me with joy listening to it. It just depends on what's going on in my life at that time. This time it made me want to cry.. I love hearing the song but I'm really torn right now about Dustin. I miss him so much. I'm usually able to shrug off the fact he's gone, you know, just think "Ha! I get the whole bed to myself the loser!" or something. Yesterday and especially today, though, I can't shake the pain I feel. I think it's because of the dreams I've been having. Two nights in a row of the same message from a dream can get to you. The first one was actually a little funny..in a weird way, lol. I dreamt that he came home from boot camp and he had "something to tell me." So we sat down and talked and Dustin was saying he was with his bunkmate and they got onto the subject of his chest and how cut it is..and strong it is..and how good it feels. As he's saying this I can see it happening, the guy's running his hands along Dustin's chest and he's fully enjoying it. More than I've ever seen him enjoy when I touch him. So basically he turned gay or something 9.9 that's the Navy for you, LOL! But of course as a result he was leaving me for that guy. The second dream (the one I had last night) was one where this one guy wanted to be with me but I wanted to be with Dustin. The guy was doing all these shady things trying to make it so he owned me or something and I kept trying to escape it. I finally stole the guy's horse and rode off with Dustin to hide and for us to be together but when we were together he was..it was like he wished that I hadn't succeeded. He had a sour look on his face and his voice was cold to me. *sighs* Of course I get these dreams NOW when he's away and I can't just wake up and see him next to me and hug him and have him hug me back saying everythings okay. I can't even talk to him on the phone! And my letters aren't reaching him! And I barely get any letters from him either. I know that's not his fault, Im sure he's super busy but it doesn't make it any easier on me. It hasn't even been a full month yet... And when he's in active duty he'll leave for 6 months straight every 4 years or something. He said at least then we'd be able to talk on the 'net but even then it would only be when he wasn't running around performing the various tasks he would have to do. Meanwhile I'll be sitting at home alone. I don't even really see my friends so it's not like I can just go do something with them to take my mind off things. That and I wouldn't have the money to anyways considering how all these bills keep pouring in. The only friends I talk to are over the net and I just need a hug >.< I can't get that electronically and even the friends I DO have over here..they're not like that. I'm prolly the most openly affectionate of the group. I'm at that stage where I'm right on the verge of tears but I know I won't cry unless something else really provokes it. And until I cry and get it out Im going to be depressed. On top of these dreams I find myself constantly being drawn to someone else. I know better than to think we would ever even get together. But it distresses me to have any sort of thoughts about someone else at all! Im married! I shouldn't think of anyone but Dustin. Yet my mind always has to find a way to wander. And I always find myself drawn to these really sweet guys, hurting myself in the process coz I know I can't act on my feelings and unable to shove them aside. And it's not like Dustin's here so I can re-enforce how happy I am around him. Instead all I have are my dreams and right now those are anything but happy. In fact they only serve to push me from him. I was looking through my honeymoon pictures this morning and there was a cute picture of Dustin looking over his shoulder at me as I snapped the photo, catching him off guard. When I saw the photo it made my heart catch in my throat. It wasn't because of love or from missing him though. It was the look he has in his eyes. This annoyed look. Annoyed with me! It's prolly just the state of mind I'm in as I look at the picture..seeing something that isnt there. But it still didn't make me feel any better. But the way I feel about this one guy...*sighs* Im afraid to even say to much for fear he figures out it's him I'm talking about if he ever reads this.. We're close friends..and he's so sweet and caring and just..he always wants what will make me happy. He always seems to place my needs in front of his own. Dustin used to do that..and he still does sometimes..but not like this. It's like Dustin's reason for doing things for me was for the gratification. He needed to hear me say thank you and give him sex or something. This guy though..it's like..for him just to know that he made me happy..without me even having to say anything..that's all he needs. It's so selfless. This guy does so many things for me. Just talking to me and trying to keep me happy. Things Dustin used to do when we first started dating and seeing eachother. I've tried so many times to tell Dustin how I feel. How he seems so selfish sometimes. I try and say it in a way that doesn't make him defensive or anything but he just doesn't see it. He says he does and he says he'll change but a few days later he's back to the way he got used to being. It's like he feels he has me so there's no point in keeping me happy anymore or something. He cares that it hurts me but not enough to fix things. The way things are with this guy..I'll find myself totally just fawning over him sometimes but other times I shove the feeling aside. I don't know if I do that out of guilt or what. *sighs* I don't know what to do..I don't know if there's anything I even CAN do. I feel so cornered. I wish I could just tear my heart out so I don't have to feel anything. Sometimes the joy really isn't worth the pain.