Issues

There are many issues that survivors deal with the books listed and a trained therapist/psychotherapist can help. This is not an inclusive list; everyone is different and has different issues.

These are some issues that are keys to understanding and healing. The web sites and books that are listed and a therapist that has specialized training in sexual abuse can address the above list of issues and more. Some of these issues are addressed below.

Developmental Trauma explains how and why the survivor reacted to past abuse and may still react to current situations. “Trauma – psychiatry- a startling experience that has a lasting effect on mental life; shock.” (Random House Dictionary)

Developmental trauma is trauma that has occurred to a person early in life. As we grow we develop our bodies our personalities and our behaviors. Trauma at an early stage in life may cause a person to develop certain behaviors or a certain personality.

Life experiences always has some type of an impact on our development and development isn’t just for children, I believe we continue to develop as a person at every stage in our lives and our experiences shape us, influence our thoughts and our behaviors. However, trauma is a negative impact and a negative influence on our development so as to adjust to negative experiences, some may develop coping mechanisms or some develop certain types of behavior or personality. Now some behaviors may be good for a person or bad for a person. Some may not even realize why they react to certain situations or certain types of people.

Trauma is an overwhelming shock to the body and perhaps years of sexual trauma may cause anyone to develop emotional or behavioral problems. This isn’t an excuse it is perhaps an explanation of why we react the way we do. Some may react in ways that may harm ourselves, for example split second anger, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, eating disorders, self loathing and etc. Developmental trauma can explain the impact of sexual trauma on a survivor’s life. As an adult we do have choices, however, it is important to know how past sexual trauma has impacted a person and may still have an impact on the choices we make.

I believe the books listed on page 5 Books, especially the book by Babette Rothschild, “The Body Remembers” is a good resource for an explanation of behaviors and ways to develop coping skills. This is an issue that is best researched through professional means, trained therapist, books, and medical Internet sites.

Re-victimization is used to describe a person who was sexually, physically, emotionally abused as a child, and becomes a victim of abuse as an adult. This issue may be related to Developmental Trauma. The survivor who is confronted again as an adult by another predator, when there seems no hope of escape, may revert back to their known survival tactics of the child victim. Some survivors do not realize as an adult how they can protect themselves or escape from being sexually attacked again. Even if a survivor is big and strong they can become a victim. Being sexually attacked at any age is terrifying and the confusion of how to survive the attack compounds the terror.

The web site hosted by Sidran explains re-victimization and trauma. Also the books, “The Body Remembers”, “Repressed Memories”, and “The Right to Innocence” explains re-victimization and offers sound advice on many of these issues.

As a child the tools for defense and this includes the ability to recognize a predator was repressed, beaten out, lost or completely diminished. Also for some survivors certain survival tools, i.e. speaking up, fighting back, and etc., are linked to painful memories and/or emotions (even if the memories are repressed) therefore survivors may stay away from certain behaviors. Survivors have a great ability to block certain aspects of memory, (See repressed memory) therefore the necessary skills and realization are unavailable.

Sexual abuse - sexual trauma can cause survivors to lose self-awareness. It is like walking with blinders on all the time, and this leaves a survivor vulnerable. A survivor may be unaware of the dangers around them, thus leading into a trap.

Revictimization - it is not that we are weak. It is what we know to do to survive. Many survivors were drugged, beaten, given or forced to drink alcohol, threatened, blackmailed and tortured into submission. And for some who tried to refuse, attempted to escape or even fought back only made the female/male sexual predator escalate the sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and torture. For that matter just existing for some survivors seemed to make the predator escalate the attacks.

Many survivors forget that she or he was a small child abused by a depraved female and/or a male sexual predator. And this small child continues to live inside of us. (See Developmental Trauma.)So the options available to the Now adult may be lost, because these options, (escape or fighting back)failed us as a child. Even crying failed us. So some may still feel like there is no hope.

An open wound will continue to bleed until it scabs over, but if that scab is torn off the wound will bleed and ooze again. Unhealed, unacknowledged abuse is an open wound. We may not bleed on the outside but we have a weeping wound inside..

The size and gender of another sexual predator does not matter (small or large). You may even think that as an adult no one is going to hurt you ever again. You may be big, strong, smart, and skilled, you may even be filled with anger, but if an adult does not posses the skills necessary to thwart off attacks re-victimization can occur. And it does not matter how angry or violent you are or might become towards a predator. Predators know how to terrorize a victim into submission. See Types of Predator Behavior

For some survivors sexual aggression may invoke anger and/or fright. Which can cause one to react or escalate an already volatile situation. I realize that everyone has a right to protect him or herself against verbal or physical attack. However, be aware that protecting oneself can be used as a weapon against a victim.

If a victim hits a predator in defense, the predator may use the strike as a form of blackmail, hence the phrase, “Now all I have to say is you tried to rape me and now you have to do exactly as I tell you.” For some men and boys they can become a victim of blackmail rape.

Women and girls can also become victims of blackmail rape. Threats of false accusations, ruining a family member, hurting a family member, ruining the victim's life with lies, or any depraved means to blackmail a victim. Predators may escalate her or his attack no matter what a victim does to protect himself or herself or their loved ones.

Or the victim may go to jail for protecting himself or herself. (There is prejudice against male victims and victims who are not a so-called perfect citizen.)

Anyone can become a victim and it is a terrible ordeal for anyone to endure. However, re-victimization can occur repeatedly to those who are detached from themselves, their surroundings, from the past, self-awareness, from those who might protect them in the now, or from necessary skills to protect themselves. This is to be stressed to any one who might be around a stranger and in an unfamiliar area. (See Ways to Respond)

Self-awareness may not be an innate trait but it is a vital tool. Blackmail is no different then if a weapon was pointed at your head.

Dissociation – mentally leave the abuse, detach the brain from the attack, time, place, body sensations, A victim may think of another place or fixate on an object during the abuse. This is a tool of survival it is a means of escape. It is the brains way of protecting a victim during the terror. Dissociation like shock stops thought and feeling on the conscious level. The senses may seem to be away. However, what is stopped during the trauma can be remembered later without warning, such as triggers, body memory and flashbacks.

Dissociation is part of PTSD and truly needs to be addressed by the survivor. All the books listed can explain dissociation in detail and the many effects it has on a survivor's life.

Some survivors remember the abuse as if they are seeing it from above, they are looking down on the horrific scene (out of body). This type of memory may cause some survivors to doubt the reality.

Some survivors may have a sense of disconnection with others, memories and even their own body. Some survivors may become unaware of the association of their body in relation to other objects that surround them. Walking into walls or hands, arms, feet, head seem to always come in contact with doors, walls, draws, etc. And it may be difficult for some to have sensations such as hot, cold, soft or even pain, and etc. The body may even seem as if it doesn’t belong to the owner. A feeling of being a stranger in one’s own body and life is disconnection from the present and from the past.

Repressed Memory

Repressed memories are not currently assessable to the conscious mind. Children and adults can force themselves to forget and the brain will automatically put a traumatic memory out of the conscious. This is a survival technique and it is also a means of escape. Remembering horrifying memories can be just as traumatic as the attack. The book “Repressed Memories” has the better definition and explanation and offers help with this issue and the issues surrounding repressed memories.

Repressed memories can come back in dreams even if the survivor does not remember the dream or does remember the dream but can’t understand the dream. Not understanding the issue of repressed memory can cause some survivors to doubt themselves, disbelieve the memory.

Dream interpretation books may be elective but for traumatized survivors the quick answer of dream interpretation may not be a useful too. A trained therapist /psychotherapist is a very beneficial asset. Also the books listed, except the book “I know what You’re Thinking” are an excellent resource.

Please do not attempt to force recall of traumatic memories this could be very detrimental to the survivor. Memory work, like recovery should be taken at a slow safe pace.

The sensation or feeling of physical force or pain on some part of your body such as wrists being tightly held, (this is not a muscle twitch or spasm), without any excretion or anything present that would cause the sensation. There are some survivors who re-experience past trauma so intensely that marks, burns, swelling and etc., appear on the effected body part. The body stores memory for good and bad sensations. There is scientific validity to body sensations such as those that have lost a limb but yet these people still feel the sensation of pain in the amputated limb or feel the sensation of the limb attached to the body. Some survivors do bare the physical scar of sexual abuse and the body remembers the pain and emotion that is associated with the scar. Phantom pain the brain is conscious of pain even when there is nothing presently causing pain.

The brain and body are powerful machines and complicated. The book “The Body Remembers” explains this issue in scientific detail and layman terminology (this is a very good book for this issue). Also the books, “Abused Boys”, “Ghosts in the Bedroom”, “Right To Innocence” and “Wounded Boys Heroic Men” explain body memory issues.

Triggers - can effect any of the senses or it can be a similar situation. It can be very frightening and confusing to the survivor when something triggers a horrible memory. Triggers sometimes come out of thin air and can put a survivor back in the moment of terror. Triggers can be almost anything: a certain color, pattern, certain emotions, texture, taste, smell, i.e., cologne, food, musk, tool, silverware, similar situation, similar type of person, place, room, etc.

Triggers are very real and are part of PTSD symptoms. Triggers can be over come or lessened with the appropriate help and action.

Flashbacks are images, emotional or physical feelings/sensations. The images can be a flash, a bank of TVs, or rolling images that makes you jump or feel sick and this may not make any sense. Or it can be sensation of something on your body. When the images or sensation occurs the body is transported back to the very moment the abuse occurred. The terror has no past during a flashback.

Some survivors may have been drugged or forced to drink or given alcohol before and during the abuse, so the images are being viewed through a drug filter. And the garbled images and sensations may lead some survivors to doubt themselves as well as make the survivor have anxiety attacks or panic attacks. The book, “The Body Remembers” is an excellent resource for understanding and help with flashbacks.

Triggers, flashbacks, emotional distress, physical distress are only some of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Many survivors may experience PTSD symptoms but may not know it. PTSD is real and affects children and adult survivors. War veterans have PTSD due to trauma and children and adults subjected to trauma can and do develop this condition. PTSD has a large spectrum of issues and ranges in degree of severity. Some survivors suffered such sadistic sexual rape and torture it would make Hitler blush, some of which left physical scars as well as emotional ones. Female and male predators can be equally brutal.

PTSD, triggers, flashbacks are issues that truly need to be addressed by a survivor because it can overwhelm a person. Getting the appropriate help for PTSD is a serious part of the survivor’s mental health; again a trained therapist and books can help a survivor. The books “The Body Remembers”, “Repressed Memories” and PTSD web sites are very good resources to understanding the symptoms, problems and help.

There are various reasons why survivors hurt themselves and it is generally a combination of reasons, but it always comes back to past sexual abuse. Self-injury is an awful response to the past. Self-injury can be many things such as: cut, pick, claw, pinch, burn, etc. as well as drug and alcohol abuse. This is a very serious issue because permanent damage or worse can occur.

A survival tool that some survivors had as a child was to dissociate or numb themselves during the sexual attacks. This survival tool may have become a part of the survivor's way of living and coping through their lives. Therefore, some survivors have a difficult time feeling some sensations, pain, cold, hot, soft, etc. Existing without feeling is safe for some. Some survivors may hurt themselves to make them feel something.

Some survivors may injury themselves to stop feeling the past sexual abuse, or body memory. They would rather feel their own pain than relive the sexual trauma, replacement pain. It draws their attention to the now pain.

Some survivors may still blame themselves and will harm themselves for being victims. It is punishment for the past. Some do not realize they were never to blame for a predator's depravity.

Unfortunately, some survivors confuse pain and sex, because of the pain suffered as a child. This is a very sensitive issue for some survivors but it needs to be addressed. Pain and torture may have been continually accompanied with an orgasm or prior to being sexually attacked. Predators may have been violent and also invoke violence in the victim, to cause pain to the predator and to themselves, (sexual violence). Therefore, the learned response to pain and violence (as well as fear and anger) may be sexual or seem to be sexual, i.e., erection or dilation. This is a conditioned response. (See Developmental trauma and re-victimization.) This type of response is terrifying and unwanted for survivors and it is not that the survivor is strange, it is a sad reminder of the past. Also it is not that the survivor is actually aroused it is the body's learned response to anger, fear, pain, and many other forms of abuse.

This as with all sexual abuse issues is a difficult problem, but there is help. A trained therapist and the appropriate books, (see books) can help. The book, "The Body Remembers" is a great resource for those who need help with this issue. A learned response or conditioned response can be changed. Exercise, talking, painting and etc will also help.

There is help available - A survivor's life does not have to be ruled by pain - past or self inflicted. A survivor does not have to suffer through their life, there has been too much of that in their lives. With treatment and time a survivor can heal, even with scars there can be healing.

Anger is a protector; a friend, a wall, a driving force, an enemy and can lead to a trap.

Anger sometimes rest at the surface and at times can feel like it is the very essence of our existence. Survivors have a right to this anger; they have a right to feel, with the exception of not harming themselves (physically, mentally, drugs or alcohol abuse) or loved ones.

There are those who seem to get angry at the smallest of events, but to them even the smallest events are an attack on them. It also may be a response to a lack of control of the events surrounding them. Victims did not have any control; therefore, the lack of control may be a trigger,(terrifying) which may lead to an anger response. However, anger to some extent is fear.

Anger is a protection technique and it is also a cry for help, it is the wall that separates the survivor from everyone and this may seem to be a reasonable way to stay safe.

For some survivors the rage from being controlled by another and not being able to escape is an unbearable thought and if they sense someone is trying to control him/her or is angry at him/her a survivor may set off on a rampage. Anger shown against a survivor may be a trigger from their abuse as a child, because the predator was angry and violent toward a victim.

For some survivors, it is the lack of control inside themselves and events surrounding him or her that may cause an angry reaction or an explosive reaction. Which may lead to inappropriate decisions or the inability to properly protect himself or herself in serious situations, which in turn makes them vulnerable, to attacks and manipulation or control. Survivors never want to feel that helpless ever again.

However, anger can be a trap and an enemy. Anger can cause someone to react with violence to minor incidents either at a person or an object, even if it was an accident.

Anger can erupt if someone is being very sexually aggressive toward a survivor and the survivor has stated NO and made it clear that the sexual advances are unwanted. Sexual aggression is part of sexual abuse, therefore unwanted sexual aggression is terrifying and enraging for a survivor.

Reacting violently to all can make anger an enemy because it can lead to jail. And going to jail is scary enough for anyone. However, restraints and being bodily restrained by another may have been a part of the sexual abuse and torture; therefore, the thought of being restrained is not only terrifying but also enraging. And going to jail for becoming angry or violent toward a minor issue or any issue can cause a survivor to erupt in rage.

And there are some predators that realize that the survivor is terrified of going to jail or having restraints used on them and will trap them into submission - blackmail, ‘you do exactly as I say and I won’t call the police’.

The use of the police or jail as a weapon is used to control and further inflict fear and pain on a victim. The idea of being taken away from family or loved ones, is terrifying. Threats and blackmail will invoke anger and fear in anyone and predators know how to exploit the fear and anger of her/his vicitm. The cycle of fear and anger may stay with a survivor.

And the use of blackmail, jail and police, may reinforce to the victim that he or she will not be believed. Thus the phrase predators use, 'I will be believed, not you.' or 'No one will believe you.' It is the survivor's fear, that may later turn into rage. Therefore, some survivors, may not trust anyone and may stay angry at everyone.

Anger can hinder goals and career. If a survivor is deemed as always being angry their career choices may be very narrow, because most people do not like to work with an angry person.

Anger for some may seem to be the safest emotion. Also some survivors might believe that crying or showing weakness means the survivor is vulnerable to another attack. And crying for some survivors is associated with the sexual abuse he/she experienced therefore; the survivor will turn his/her tears into anger.

However, anger does not always work to the benefit of the survivor. Depraved predators see anger as a weakness to be exploited and disgusting still, some female/male predators see anger and violence as sexually desirable, sadistic and depraved behavior. Even if the victim only attempted to protect himself or herself against and during a sexual attack. (“Sadism - any enjoyment in being cruel.” (Random House Dictionary) )

The book, “Repressed Memories” examines emotions during and after a sexual attack.

The books listed and/or a trained therapist is very helpful in focusing the anger in the appropriate directions and appropriate levels. Anger does not have to be the only defining emotion of a survivor. Anger does not have to be in control all the time. Survivors will have anger and I believe that it is okay to have anger, but it is not ok to take it out on those who did not bring harm to you.

Through understanding survivors can walk through the barrage of human emotions without feeling like everyone is a personal threat. And learning how to read one’s own emotions and other people and situations before they escalate will help end the cycle of anger and violent responses. (The book “I Know What You’re Thinking” is an excellent resource for reading people.)

A safe alternative is to have an inanimate object such as a punching bag to take out the pint up anger also exercising is a great way to relive some anger. The books, “Wounded Boys Heroic Men” and “The Right To Innocence” are both good resources for anger issues.

Sexual abuse is a traumatizing assault in any form that the abuse takes. However, there are some survivors, who have suffered horrendous sexual abuse and horrific torture, it is utterly amazing that they survived. It is a terrible testament to their strength and truly sad that anyone had to endure unthinkable horrors. The survivors that have been exposed to extreme violence or sadistic cruelty need room and a safe place to express their rage.

Anger management courses may be effective. However, allowing oneself to deal with the underlying issues of the true cause of the anger will enable the survivor to understand how to effectively deal with their anger.

Shame – a painful emotion caused by a sense of guilt, unworthiness, or disgrace / to force by making ashamed.

Shame is an emotion that is taught to children at a very yearly age. However, the sense of shame for those who have been sexually abused runs deep. It might be a feeling of being dirty or never felling good enough. Predators will tell the victim anything to make them feel worthless. Shame is a punishing and submissive weapon. And it is what keeps us silent. It is what feeds the predators.

Survivors are ashamed of being abused, not telling, or not being believed. (The books, “Repressed Memories”, “Abused Boys”, “The Right To Innocence”, “Ghost In The Bedroom” and “Wounded Boys Heroic Men” are good resources.) Shame harms us and it always comes from outside ourselves. Shame can consume some survivors. It may lead some to isolate themselves from others; some feel ashamed of their own thoughts, or ashamed of their bodies. It can cause some to be hyper sanitary or to have poor hygiene or some may lose interest in his/her appearance; the mirror is their enemy, they cannot stand to look at themselves. These emotions are common among survivors.

The predator is filth and she/he had no right to touch you. There are no truths in a predator’s words.

The burden of shame does not belong to the survivor it is the predator’s shame. Survivors did not bring or cause the harm, we are not to blame for the depravity of a monster.

Some survivors were drugged and forced to drink alcohol prior to the sexual attacks upon him/her. Because of the early exposure to drugs and/or alcohol this may lead some to develop and addiction problem in their life. Or some may stay away from drugs and alcohol because it may have been associated with abuse.

Drugs and alcohol is an escape from the memories (even if the memories are repressed), the anger, the body memories, the shame, the rage, it’s just a temporary numbing effect. For some survivors temporary isn’t long enough. Some survivors would rather be addicts than deal or know the truth of what happened to them. They want to burn it out of or drown it out and neither will do this. It might allow you to forget for a moment but it also might lead to being re-victimized, by another female/male predator or jail. And survivors have suffered enough, drugs and alcohol only add to the suffering.

Appropriate medication, therapy, and/or counseling can help a survivor deal with the truth and all the emotional issues that are involved. Medication is a decision that a survivor will make it is their bodies. There is an array of different medication available as well as herbal supplements, however it is important that you find the one that best suits your needs. Discuss the issues of possible side effects or withdraws of each medication with your doctor.

Many survivors battle with this issue and for some it is a life and death battle. Food our Friend - our Opponent.

Eating or not eating is our control over our body image and, to us, protection; whether we are fully aware of this or not.

And many survivors battle with stomach or intestinal problems. We have held the horrors of childhood so tight within us and we do not want them to come out. And this leads to clinching our insides and our emotions. Because relaxing even for a moment means letting our guard down. And that means new attacks, this has been true for some survivors. (See Re-victimization)

Also for some survivors the bathroom is a room not to go into and not to trust, even in adulthood. Avoidance becomes the norm. And there are more horrific reasons survivors have issues with eating, stomach problems and etc.

The secrets of abuse, unhealed emotional wounds, (PTSD, Triggers), re-victimized, and protection translates to What, When and How we eat.

Becoming an adult, being thousands of miles away from the female/male predator and even the death of the predator(s) does not protect us. Being overweight, underweight or strong is our protection. We want to go unnoticed, we don't want to be an attractive draw to anyone. It is our way of protecting the adult and the wounded child inside.

Overeating may be an attempt to fill the sense of emptiness within. If we continue to eat our thoughts are on the food not the painful memories. – If we do not eat or limit the food intake that leaves more time to do other tasks, such as hobbies, exercise, and etc, our thoughts are on the task at hand not the painful memories. Either way it is the occupation of the mind on something else and we get the benefit of protection.

Whether under or over weight. Diet, exercise, appropriate foods and even radical surgery may benefit the appearance for awhile; ultimately it is the healing of the deep wounds that will truly benefit the survivor. The healing process is slow hard work but with healing comes change. The weight lose or weight gain did not happen overnight. Therefore, the gain or lose of weight will take time as well. Being the so called perfect weight is not the goal; Healing is the goal.

You are worth the time and effort it takes to heal. You are more than the abuse and trauma and more than the past. The future is yours. And most importantly, you are worth loving. If possible a specialized therapist, appropriate books, your own inner strength and hopefully a support person or group are a good defense for eating disorders and emotional healing.

Contents	Introduction	Perspective	Blame	Therapy
Books	Internet Resources	Issues	Types of Predators	Types of Predator Behavior
Ways to Respond and Warning Signs (for Adults and Parents)	My Path	Poem	Disclaimer	State List