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| I SOMETIMES PANIC WHILE MAKING SANDWICHES. |
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| Please give these honkin' chompdaddies a little time to load. Your patience is appreciated. Buy American. |
| Archaeologists are thrilled as they unearth what is believed to be the first redneck backyard, built around 1023 AD. |
| Arkansas resident Larry Franklin invites the boys over for NASCAR action, but leaves them in an airtight room with too much Nattie Light and Alabama Sticky Pork. |
| New York Governor George Pataki surveys art that was recovered from Nazi war chests. "Good lord," said Pataki, "You can see her breasts! This clearly belongs in that wierdo museum with the turd Jesus." |
| Distracted military strategists repeatedly make shadow puppets during a top-secret briefing. "Look, a bunny is eating Kabul!" said one general. |
| Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld tells the press corps that the U.S. will soon begin using lightsabers in their battle against bin Laden. "The force is with us," said Rumsfeld. |
| Secretary Rumsfeld says that if he ever meets the Wizard of Oz, he will ask for two things. "Well, one is really for Mrs. Rumsfeld," said the Secretary. |
| J. Lo, Q.E. II...Q.E. II, J. Lo |
| Britany Spears promises to let God look down her shirt if He gives her just four more weeks of popularity. God refuses. |
| Let's forget the fact that Dr. Richard Sharpe is accused of killing his wife. This guy made a living as a dermatologist. This guy! I wouldn't trust a guy who looks like that with my dry cleaning, much less my epidermis. |
| New York Senator Chuck Schumer with a bad case of bitter beer face. |
| It's another Taliban sunrise. |
| Miami mayoral candidate Manny Diaz declares that by the power of Grayskull, he has the power. |
| Looking slightly worse for the wear, I survive another Thanksgiving with the in-laws. |
| Pacers guard Reggie Miller complains about his underwire bra. "I'm just not getting the comfort and support I need," said Miller. |
| Some people will do damn near anything to get out of plunking down $40 for a Christmas tree. |
| McDonald's introduces the "McJamaican," a tasty sandwich that a spokesman says "tastes just like chicken." |
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| With Dick Cheney out of the mix due to heart trouble, the Dalai Lama wants a shot at Lennox Lewis. "I am number one contender," said Lama. "Who's your daddy? I can't hear you! Can I get a what what?" |
| Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien congratulates Dudley Doright on thirty years of faithful service to the Mounties. "Buddy, you've done your country proud, eh?" said Chretien. |