| JOKES III |
| I Wonder What the REST of the Book was About . . . Every year, the Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded to the author of the WORST POSSIBLE OPENING LINE TO A BOOK. An inglomious honor indeed. Here's a TOP TEN LIST of recent winners. 10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were to pass gas in the sound chamber, he'd never hear the end of it." 9. "Just beyond the narrows, the river widens." 8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous, thick brown hair, deep azure eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty (here comes the ironic part) that defied description." 7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre . . . creep. Andre . . . creep.' " 6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store." 4. " Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detatched, but, then, penguins often do." 3. "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." 1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieveing the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "YOU LIED!" Interesting Anagrams Dormitory - - Dirty Room Slot Machines - - Cash Lost in 'em Animosity - - Is No Amity Mother-in-Law - - Woman Hitler Eleven plus two - - Twelve plus one (13 on both sides!) Here's an AMAZING ONE! To be or not to be: that is the question, whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. This' one's an "oldie but a goodie" President Clinton of the U.S.A. To copulate, he finds interns. Carlinisms Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up-over?" Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Does killing time damage eternity? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls, but day breaks? Why is it that when you're looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial lemons and dishwashing liquid made with real ones? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Daylight savings time - Why are they saving it and where are they keeping it? Do you think that iof they asked George Washington for an I.D. that he'd just whip out a quarter? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? If a jugger runs at the speed of sound, then can he still hear his walkman? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends? If peanut butter cookies are made out of peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout Cookies made of? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the blue whales look the way they do? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? The Ultimate Trick A magician was working on a cruise ship in the caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem, though. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look! It's not the same hat!" "Look! He's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey! Why are all of the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but he could do nothing - it was the captain's parrot. One day, the boat had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on the same piece of driftwood as the parrot as they floated in the middle of the ocean. For days, they did not speak to eachother. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said: "O.K. I give up. Where's the boat?" Can You Translate This? Mr. Strickland - have a load of this: "si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes." "If you can read this, you are overeducated." |