| JOKES IV |
| Here's to Accurate Translation A new monk entered the monastery seeking a peaceful and calm life. One aspect of monastic life that he enjoyed was copying manuscripts in caligraphy by hand. So, the abbot put him to work there right away. After a week or so, the young monk said to the abbot, "I've noticed, Abbot, that we are hand-copying from copies of original documents! Maybe we should check the original manuscripts to see if there are any mistakes!" The Abbot agreed. The originals, however, were in the vault and only he, the abbot, had access to it. Thus, he went down and began to check the documents. For a few hours, the monks heard nothing from their abbot, and, as it came time for prayer, he had not yet come up from the underground vault. Worried for their abbot, the monks broke down the door and entered the dark and dank underground vault. As they explored the many shelves of original works by Church doctors and scholars, they heard a muffled sound coming from the corner of the room. Sure enough, it was the abbot, and when the monks saw his face, it was evident that he had been crying for some time. They approached him, and they heard him mumbling some words. Creeping closer, they heard him and understood the reason for his grief. He was saying: "Oh my Lord! It says CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!" A Visit to the Doctor A man went in for his yearly physical. After being examined, the doctor came in and said, "I have some bad news. You are seriously sick." Before he could speak another word, the man said, "WHAT?!? I feel fine! That can't be true; I want a second opinion!" The doctor said, "O.K." and left the room. He came back with a dog, a Labrador to be exact. The dog sniffed him all over and came back to the doctor and barked twice. The doctor said, "There you have it. Two barks says that you have a problem." The man was stunned at such a method; he said, "That's preposterous. How can a dog know that I'm sick? I want another opinion!" The doctor said, "Fine." and left the room. He returned with a cat, who licked the man and meowed. The doctor said, "You must be happy with my diagnosis now; the cat said that you are ill, or else the cat would have purred!" The man was fed up. He replied, "O.K., so I'm sick. Look, doc, I'm in a rush so you can tell me what's wrong over the phone. I just need the bill; how much?" The doctor calmly replied, "$3,010." The man almost went into an apopleptic fit. He said, "HOW IN THE NAME OF CRIMONY DID YOU GET SUCH A FIGURE?" The doctor said, "Well, it's $10 for the office visit you know." The man noted sarcasm; he said, "What about that other $3,000?" The doctor said, "Oh, that's $1,500 each for the LAB test and the CAT scan!" To Science and Bad Puns After many years of imploring their respective governments for a grant to study grizzly bears in their natural habitat in Yellowstone National Park, a Russian and a Czech scientist received permission to go. Upon arrival there, the park rangers notified them that they could not enter their natural habitat because it was mating season; it would be too dangerous. Accustomed to pleading their case, the scientists implored the rangers to let them in. Finally, the rangers agreed. They gave the scientists a radio and instructed them to call in every night from their camp to make sure that they were safe. The scientists went out into the field for their studies. Each of the first two nights, they called in and said that they were safe. However, they didn't call in on the third night, and the same was true on the fourth. Fearing the worst, the rangers got together a large search party and went out to their camp. Sure enough, the camp was torn apart and there was no trace of the scientists, but there were some grizzly bear tracks, one set of which was female and the other male. They followed the tracks until, finally, they found the female. Hoping to avoid an international incident, they shot the bear and took her back to the rangers' station. When they cut her stomach open, sure enough, they found the remains of what turned out to be the Russian scientist. One ranger turned to another and said, "Do you know what this means?" The ranger said, "Yeah. The Czech is in the male." "Jesus is Watching You!" A burglar was creeping through a house without a sound late at night as he filled up his bag with all kinds of valuables. Suddenly, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" He stopped cold, frightened to death. Turning on his flashlight and giving a quick scan of the room, he determined that it was only his imagination. He turned off the flashlight and continued on his business. Just as he started again, he heard the same "Jesus is watching you!" He was really scared now, so he turned on the flashlight and looked throughout the room; he saw a birdcage in the corner and a parrot inside. Putting his fears to rest, he went up to the parrot and said, "Hey, parrot! Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you!' beck there?" The parrot answered, "Yes, it was." The burglar said, "Well, why did you do that? You scared the daylights out of me!" The parrot responded, "Well, I only wanted to warn you." The burglar said, "Yeah right. Say, parrot, what's your name?" The parrot said, "Moses." The burglar laughed and replied, "Moses! What kind of people name their parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus." What NOT To Ask at your Local National Park: GRAND CANYON N.P.: Was this man-made? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it? Is the mule train air-conditioned? So, where are the presidents' faces? EVERGLADES N.P.: Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? What time does the 2 o'clock bus leave? DENALI N.P. (Alaska) What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mt. McKinley weigh? CARLSBAD CAVERNS N.P. How much of this cave is underground? So, what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? YELLOWSTONE N.P. Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? Note: These are ACTUAL questions asked by ACTUAL people proving once again that there is no limit to human stupidity. |