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| PICTURES OF THE WEEK |
| PICTURES OF THE FREAK |
| Jesse Helms beats Strom Thurmond and Robert Byrd in the "Incoherent Senators Who Should Have Called It a Career Twenty Years Ago" motorized cart invitational. |
| "Now what we have here is a brain sucker. Now this brain sucker, because of his inability to find the brain, is starving. A starving brain sucker. Let me elucidate and elaborate..." |
| Tired of putting off the inevitable, Amtrak begins crashing their cars as soon as they're produced. |
| Scientists are embarrassed when it is discovered their artifical heart is in fact a broken tennis racket taped to a nine-volt motor. |
| The new Ford Taurus is shown with optional Navacomputer for blowing up Tie Fighters orDeath Stars. |
| The fourth jewel in racing's Triple Crown, the 7-11 Derby, features the top cab drivers in the country. |
| Realizing the fire situation in Northern California is hopeless, Smoky knocks off for a cold one. |
| Lucent's last $6 are locked in a hermetically sealed chamber. The employee in this picture will be laid off as soon as he closes that door. |
| With ASPCA funds rapidly declining, many stray and abandoned dogs must take matters into their own hands. |
| A British woman breaks a world record by pole dancing for 24 hours. Despite her perseverance, she is disqualified for not getting a single dollar bill stuffed in her bikini. |
| You can pick your Vice President, you can pick your wedgies, but, well.... |
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| Sears begins a radical new ad campaign in which they break into people's homes and photograph them urinating. |
| Bush tries to be subtle as he walks into a Kansas City Target store to buy underwear. "Cripes," said Bush, "a man can't get skivvies these days without everyone thinking he's the president." |
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| Bush makes nice with a Texas job bank, assuring them he'd be back "sooner than later." |
| A visit to Texas doesn't stop Bush from his weekly book club meeting. "I didn't really get Happy Little Catepillar," said Bush. "Not enough pictures." |
| Following the advice of the classic film Billy Madison, George Bush Senior tells Dubya he can't run the country until he successfully completes grade school without the aid of massive payoffs. Bush is shown here with his first grade classmates. |