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| PICTURES OF THE WEEK |
| If you allow these pictures time to load I will personally guarantee $38 billion for homeland security. |
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| New York Governor George Pataki shows Afghan leader Hamid Karzai how to keep order by using the Jedi mind trick. "You will weed out the terrorists," said Pataki. "I will weed out the terrorists," said Karzai. Pataki later told reporters "Do, or do not. There is no try." |
| Cuts in Medicaid force hospitals to use temps in the ER. "I thought I saw something in here about how to do a colonoscopy," said this woman. "You don't know how, do you?" |
| I can't tell if this person is male or female, but I do know that is one happy ass speed skater. |
| All the polishing in the world won't wipe the crap off that, my friend. |
| Noting the rapidly growing Canadian obesity problem, Ontario Premiere Mike Harris begins conducting all his press conferences on a treadmill. |
| Mark Kublecki of West Virginia shows off one of his many inventions - a combination icemaker and toilet. "Some of us take recycling more seriously than others," said Kublicki. |
| Good to see ole' Bubba hasn't changed a thing since getting out of office. |
| Queen Azkaba of New Guinea marries longtime sweetheart Fernando Pastillo. Azkaba is the oldest monarch in the country's history. |
| I finally make good on my threat to nail my dog to a board if he doesn't stop chasing his tail all night. |
| The graduating class of my hometown of West Brookfield, Massachusetts heads off to college with only the essentials. |
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| One of few actresses growing old gracefully, Andie MacDowell sees no need to draw undo attention to herself. "I got your golden globes right here," said MacDowell. |
| Likewise, Mike Tyson's advancing years have seen him learn more mature and sophisticated ways of expressing himself. "I am experiencing feelings of inadequacy," Iron Mike seems to be saying. "Please nurture and love me." |
| Donald Rumsfeld illustrates the thin line between the "humane" way of holding suspected terrorists, and the "American" way of holding suspected terrorists. |
| Not satisfied with the progress of the war, Bush hires Lakers head coach and zen master Phil Jackson as a consultant. "The Afghans are playing a triangle defense," said Bush. "And it's time to take it to the rack." |
| "Now, which one is your husband, the short bald guy or the spindly weaselman?" "Uh...that guy over there. The security guard." |
| Lucky mall patrons are selected for a preview of Bush's State of the Union address. "Too much talking," said one focus group member. "I'm not sure what that drunk guy was prattling on about, but he promised to send me $300 so I guess he's okay." |
| Too much hiding in an "undisclosed location" takes it's toll on Dick Cheney. "Sunlight hasn't touched my skin in three months," said Cheney. "High time Georgy Boy went into hiding, dammit." |
| The Secret Service is always sure to keep a small amount of "Shrub's Special Miracle-Gro" onhand to combat the President's nervousness before big speeches. |